Today Was Awful..

[Azure]

i feel absolutely crappy right now. had the opening to an exhibition today which my artwork is featured in.. i got a place through a contest in december. i had until this month to do my pieces, but i feel like i completely failed.

everyone else put so much hard work into theirs, and mine are just horrible and rushed. next to theirs, i feel ashamed of mine.

a load of my family are coming to see it on saturday and they're all really excited.. i just want to tell them it's cancelled- i can imagine their reaction when i point out which section is mine. oh god, i feel like i'm going to dissapoint everyone because i'm too lazy to even do the one thing i'm supposed to be good at. they were expecting to be so proud of me, but they're just going to look at it and know i didn't put any effort in.

why do i always seem to do these things to myself?? aaargh. i just want to tear down those pictures and shout at myself for not taking the opportunity seriously. i wish i could turn it back to when i had all those months to make my work half decent.. damn. i want to hide away until saturday is gone and over.

[roxyandboys]

are you sure this isn't you being nervous about the exibition? i know in the past when i am nervous i convince myself its all going to be crap awful so that i dont expect too much from it.

[Azure]

are you sure this isn't you being nervous about the exibition? i know in the past when i am nervous i convince myself its all going to be crap awful so that i dont expect too much from it.

no, it's just.. bad. because i put off the work for too long and rushed it all.. i always do that and i don't know why. when i got this place all my family were like, 'this could be your big chance. you've gotta put all your effort in.'

i was looking forward to doing a really good job and making them all proud, but as usual i just turned it into trash. i wouldn't normally be nervous if i worked really hard on something. =( i'm just really annoyed that i let myself down again.

[Miko]

Life contains those learning opportunities

With me it has been about relationships

When I had the chance, I didn't try

At over 50 if I get another chance I'll try. I'll act methodically and slowly and not pressure myself

My friend calls what we have been feeling 'exposure anxiety'

[roxyandboys]

well if that is true, then i am sure if you were good enough to get a place at this exhibit you'll be good enough to get a place at another and you'll get another chance to prove yourself. Have you had anyone else look at your work, it might not be as terrible as you think, sometimes even a rushed job is good enough, even if it isn;t upto your normal high standards.

[Azure]

Life contains those learning opportunities

With me it has been about relationships

When I had the chance, I didn't try

At over 50 if I get another chance I'll try. I'll act methodically and slowly and not pressure myself

My friend calls what we have been feeling 'exposure anxiety'

i suppose you could call it a learning opportunity. but i've had a lot of things like this happen before, and no matter how much i look back at my previous failures, i never seem to learn. it's like i'm weak against myself, i don't know. that's why i dropped out of college, because i couldn't take the blows to my self-worth when i never managed the work and then failed. sometimes it's like i actually want to make myself feel worthless.

is this exposure anxiety, do you think? :(

[roxyandboys]

i guess it could be a kind of self sabbotage (sp?) i do this to myself often in many areas of my life. There are times when i've not been able to cope with something going well so i make it go wrong, perhaps in a way ruining it before it has a chance to be ruined by someone else

[Azure]

well if that is true, then i am sure if you were good enough to get a place at this exhibit you'll be good enough to get a place at another and you'll get another chance to prove yourself. Have you had anyone else look at your work, it might not be as terrible as you think, sometimes even a rushed job is good enough, even if it isn;t upto your normal high standards.

yeah, lots of people see my work but it's never been in the public eye like this. it's definitely not up to my normal standards, but that's what makes me feel so awful. because all the other artists are just amazing, i feel like i'm mocking them. plus i feel like i'm letting all my family down.

sorry if i'm making a huge deal out of nothing lol.. it's just been a really stressful day and i need to get this off my chest

[roxyandboys]

This isn't a huge deal out of nothing. This is really important to you and you feel like you've failed and let people down, thats a big thing. Well, if people say your work is good, then perhaps, just maybe, people will also think your work at the exhibition is good. Have you talked about this with your family? Don;t know what kind of relationship you have with them.

[Azure]

This isn't a huge deal out of nothing. This is really important to you and you feel like you've failed and let people down, thats a big thing. Well, if people say your work is good, then perhaps, just maybe, people will also think your work at the exhibition is good. Have you talked about this with your family? Don;t know what kind of relationship you have with them.

well, my sisters and brother (who are my main family really) are all really supportive of me. i haven't talked to them about this- thing is, we've all been through a lot of problems with my mum in the past, and trying to cope with her recent death. she was an artist aswell. they all knew i haven't been coping too well, so they saw this exhibition as like my light at the end of the tunnel. because of the obvious connection between my mum and i, i feel like.. how to describe it.. i have a duty to my siblings to carry on her memory with my art. even though she's gone now, i was given her gift, and finally had my chance to prove myself with it. but i totally trashed it.. i feel like i've stomped on all their feelings because i'm so damn selfish.

i actually hope they don't think it's good, cause at least then i know i can still do better. man i'm ashamed of myself.

[roxyandboys]

yes, i can see fully now how much this means to you and it is so wrapped up in you mum stuff, so hard. Why dont you try talking to your brother and sister about your fears, they might be very understanding

[Miko]

We mess up the learning opportunities time & again - me for half a century over relationships & money

You are right there is a negativity about ourselves added in to the exposure anxiety

Or causing it

(self sabotage R & B calls it)

If we are methodical about everything we can lessen it

Including being methodical about how we calculate our self worth

And recalculate

And re-inculcate

Repeated self talk

Slowing down

No panic

No manic

Am just beginning to succeed in small areas when I talk them over with some people

Am lucky I have an excuse to talk over basic practicalities as I have told people about my low practical skills. That gives a framework to talk about how to think about issues and how to 'see' them

[axtell1080]

i agree u be fine im sure.xxxxxxit probley nerves........surley if it is bad the galley wont have it hanging there hunxxxxxxxx

milko.......50xxxxxxbless id would never thought that hunnie.xxxxxxx

[Azure]

thankyou

i don't know if my family will really understand.. i mentioned to my twin sister before that i was worried my work looked bad compared to the other artists, but she just said i was being too over-critical. maybe she's right.. i don't know.

and Miko, i'm sorry you've had to go through that. i have this problem in other areas of my life aswell, i agree being methodical in the approach does help- but it's hard to change something that's ingrained so deeply into your everyday life. it's fantastic that you've been making this kind of progress x x

[Azure]

i went to see my twin again today. i felt really down so she asked me what was wrong. i started saying about the exhibition again, and it all ended up coming out.. i think she must've got bored cause after about fifteen minutes of me beating myself up about it she started yawning haha

so i said, i was worried i was going to let everyone down, that i really wasn't happy with it at all, and also that i wanted to burn it down (luckily i was joking about that part. mostly.)

again, she did tell me that i am just way too much of a perfectionist, and i'm just over-critisising my work because it's a big event. after i kept explaining in more depth how i really felt, she did seem to understand. but she thinks none of them will care if everyone else's stuff is so good. in her opinion they are only interested in going to see my work, not comparing, which i found comforting to think about for a while. i feel actually a bit better about it now, but i know that nearer the day, i'm probably just gonna be getting bogged down in the negativity again. my brain is actually sub-consciously plotting up excuses to explain to them why it's so bad without admitting i'm a total failure. ha.. i'm just that sad.

and i had a job interview today. i hadn't really been thinking about it all that much until i was actually walking into the place, and then i suddenly realised i had to somehow make myself look like a brilliant person. oh, my god.. i don't even know if it went good or bad, or what. i was trying so hard to say the right things i just ended up rambling on and on, and spouting pointless crap. i thought i could whip out my old business persona, play it cool.. but it's apparantely gotten a bit rusty over the last few months when i've been doing nothing but laying in bed. such is life. at least the things i said were good i think, even if i couldn't quite get them out properly.

[thesloaneranger]

im extremely self critical of myself too, but at the end of the day you have accomplished something by getting your works into a gallery which is no mean feat. you did well to manage that and it doesnt matter what anyones elses work is like because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. i love jackson pollock - everyone i know thinks its just a mess! lol! everyone sees things differently, but no one will be more critical than oneself. so dont let the negative feeling bite *hug*

and good luck with the job. you made it to the interview and thats always the hardest part.

sorry im wittering a little bit, but slightly fruit-looped today! lol

[marc-74]

I just read about your art at the exhibition, I've had a few and they always put the shit up me, i think bang on the same stuff you do.

it aint about being techical, it's about the momet and feeling.

I'd love to see you art, I'm also thinking about putting on a show this summer in london if you would like to be a part of it in some way let me know,

from one paint brush butcher to another ...take cae ..

marcx

[Azure]

TSR, don't worry your not wittering lol. i have days like that aswell!

thankyou for your words, i didn't really think about that- i also love art that lots of people just kind of think, what the heck is that? but it means something to me at the end of the day.

hopefully people might see my work like that =)

here's a hug for you you made me smile

Marc, a hug for you too (i'm just dishin 'em out today! hugs for everyone!)

it's really relieving to know that other artists can feel the same way about this kind of stuff. i mean a lot of people say we're all naturally perfectionists anyway, but add all the other crap on top it's just crazy!

i would absolutely love to be involved in your show, even just to see it. if you like feel free to PM me some more details. i only live just outside of the city so it should be ok =)

wow, i'm feeling a little bit hyper today for some reason. i think i had too much fresh air :wacko:

[thesloaneranger]

glad i managed to make you a smile azure all the best for tomorrow *hug*

[b0bulat0r]

How did it go?

I bet you were just being hypercritcal of yourself and everyone else loved it?

Always interested in other peoples art

is yours posted on the net somewhere maybe we could take a look if you'd allow?

[Azure]

sorry i forgot to post about how it went, sorry guys! and i was going on about it enough huh?

gladly, it actually went quite well. my family were all really pleased with it even though i still had the niggling paranoia about the work itself. i think it's impossible to change my opinion on that lol!

it was really nerve-wracking because there were a lot of people there, including some aunts and cousins i didn't expect. i hadn't seen some of them in a long time and i felt quite nervous talking to them.. it was quite surreal, wasn't really sure what to talk about. and my dad even came along at the end, which is cool because i find it a lot easier to be around him with my sisters there. later on when they'd all left i found a nice note he'd written in the guestbook; i guess his way of telling me he likes it

it was just one of those manic days, when it was all over it kinda felt like i'd just dropped off a rollercoaster and my insides were still rolling around. but it did feel really nice to get all the sisters together again since it doesn't happen too often. makes me feel normal again for at least a while!

i do have a site with a selection of my work, although it's very spare since i don't have the facilities to get my current work uploaded onto the internet as frequently as i'd like. (i'm a comic artist so i do lots of sequential pages and not much portraiture kinds of pics.)

but if you're interested i can PM some snippets of stuff i'm working on- i'm always happy for others' feedback on my work

and thanks for everyone's replies and advice, you guys are the best *hugs*