I'm Sad......

[treacle14]

I've been fighting this since yesterday afternoon. I've been fighting crying and not getting pissed. It started when read the local paper and there was a story about social services and someone getting an aware for help with learning disabilities and help protect social services on a health and safety level. I had been feeling a little more confidenct in myself yesterday, and it was only while waiting for someone in a supermarket cafe that I decided to buy a local paper and read it! I wish I hadn't. I'm not angry at all with the people concerned in it, or this guy is getting an award, it just hurts that having a BPD diagnosis, and from what i've researched can be interpreted as one of the more dangerous of personality disorders, but then maybe I am interpeting that wrong in itself. All I know is that this article upset me, and I started feeling really low again.

I really wish they hadn't cut the funding to the mental health system in the part of the country where I live. I wish as I was about to go residential in a bpd unit that the funding hadn't been cut. I wish that I could stop hurting over my gorgeous sweet baby daughter, who i miss more than words can say. My tears are like taps at times, and this at this minute is one of those times. I really hate life sometims. I know the world doesn't owe me a living but for once in my life I wanted to be a good at something and that something was to be a good mum. I wish they had given me more of a chance. I wish that they took people's feelings into account as there are many members of my daughter's dad's family that are hurting too.

I think it has affected me so bad because i was so overwhelmed with love for my little girl when she was first placed in my arms at the maternity unit. It was something had lit up inside me that I had never known before. I was the most magical thing in my life. I feel guilty tho because her dad wasn't in the room due to the stress that social services had put him under when I was in labour that when it came to the birth I kept looking at him and at one point I thought he had fallen alseep, but he hadn't. I didn't know at that point that they had told her dad that we needed 24 hour supervision or else care. He is the most wonderful man alive toi love me and me love him. I will never forgive myself for him not being there. It's his first child and we didn't even think we could have kids, and we both so muich thought we would be given more of a chance than we did. I was a mum for two weeks, and now in my heart i'm saying good bye. Her dad is fighting to get her back, god bless him i really don't know how he's doing it. He's such a kind sensitive caring man, and he hurts too. He's not optimistic about getting her back, as he also was diagnosed with a personality disorder nearly 2 years ago. I really do wish that just cause I lose my rag verbally I'm not dangerous to anyone especially my beatutiful daughter. God bless her. She is and was the best thing ever to have happened to me, and i will never ever forget her. I know that the hurting and pain will disappear one day, but i'd like to know when. The pain in my heart is so much. Yes suicidal thoughts do cross my miund at the minute. I've not planned anything, if I was going to do anything i would have done it by now. Its just I would like to stop crying and thinking about her. I just want to be a good mum and girlfriend to we both have been denied being a family. I was my emtions were the type that could just ignore the contact workers and get on with it, but as I said in my introduction, they dented my confidence or is it me that let them? I don't know but I soon have to get used tothe idea that when people ask how many kids I've got, I've got to say. I still say 1 and then a smile comes across my face for a second until then I remember that no i'm no a mum anymore.

Why can't I have the courage to just end my life now? Because i'm always hoping that one day that when I do feel happy it was last. But when I find happiness it never does last, either due to just life events, or I mess it up somehow. Either way, I sorry to sound selfish but I honestly don't think I was meant to have a happy life. Life has ground me down so far now that I am struggling big time to bounce back like I used to.

Sorry this has gone on so long. If you took the time to read it, thank you.

[les66]

Hi treacle

I am so so sorry you are feeling so low at this present time, I really hope you feel better soon.

Never say never. There is happiness out there for all of us, we just have to find it, no matter how hard that may very well be.

Is there a doc or a professional person you can go talk to about how you are feeling? I find that it does help to talk openly about everything. I also know how hard that is as I do keep stuff back at times only to make matters worse.

You have done so well up until now, you are a survivor, please keep that going. You are not alone.

Take Care

Leslie x

[quiteemma]

hello treacle, i have read it didnt wanna read it and say nufin but les66 is right hun, your not alone in this keep talking and posting were listening

sending you some safe

Take care Em xx

[treacle14]

Thanks you so much for your kind words less66. Thanks for the supportive words. I'm so glad i've found a site where I can relate to what people say and how they feel. I do have a psychiatrist and see him at the end of the month. It's frustrating that they do this, (social services) and they leave you with no-one to talk to. I'm high and dry as they say, but not so dry! It upsets me and angers me at the same time.

Thanks again for replying.

Hugs to you mate x

[les66]

Hi Treacle

If you are feeling so bad then why not push it to be seen sooner? When I am really bad I ring them up being persistent that I need see psychiatrist sooner. Not sure how yours would be with that. But we cannot put a time and date on when we really need their help so surely they have to be flexible!!!

I have seen my psychiatrist ouwith my scheduled appointments on many occasions. It does help to talk to people, even if it is a professional. Keep posting on here also if it helps. We are here for you.

Take Care

Leslie x

[treacle14]

thanks you as well quiteemma. Thanks for the suport and encouragement to keep talking and posting. I have to admit that i'm new on forum sites, and did put a couple of posts in but I'm sure how things work and don't think i was in the right (forum room if that makes sense) to get replies. I'm getting there slowly with the site, and people are so supportive and kind, thank you all.

It helps when kind people do reply. I've replied myself a couple of times when i'm feeling "strong", but today, unfortunately is not one of those days. Thanks again.

hugs mate. x

[les66]

Never push yourself to do anything your not ready for. If you feel up to replying to support others then great, if not then that is ok as we are all human. We will help you on these days when your not strong Treacle. That is what this site is all about.

Take Care

Leslie x

[jades]

hey im jades and you have the right to feel the way you do jst to validate that for you but you also have choice you can choose to focus on the good things in lige may i suggest a gratitude journal? so maybe you can remember what your grateful for and begin to see the happy in your life more? i feel for you i do it must be real hard and woring on yourself instead of giving in could bring that baby home could it not? i could be totally wrong but working on yourself is never a bad thing anyway but start with simple things like i have a roof over myhead i got to have 9 months of that beautuful baby growing inside me for your enties then when you get down pull out that journal and look at it and itll pick u up hope that helps xxxxxxxxxxx keep on posting hun :wub:

[treacle14]

thanks leslie. I did used to ring my old psychiatrist 3 years ago, as you said we never know when we are going to need them. It went against me when my mum sectioned me 3 years ago. In the report for the tribunal it said that I bombarded his secretary with phone calls before I was sectioned. implying that I had innappropriat feelings for him. Of course this has now gone against me with the case of my daughter. Eveything that has happened to me in the past has all been one been negative towards me, to be honest from the start of the pregnancy. I was considering a termination after my first midwife called after she told me that social services would probably be involved.

I hear what you are saying, and it does sound great that you can see yours like that, but obviously I am very wary of doing this now, as I feel sometimes, even posting on here that I am making a nusciance of myself to people. I've felt like that on and off most of my life though, so nothing new there.

Thank you again for your support, at least the tears have stopped now, even just a reply to my post had made me feel like someone cares, and that means a lot. I know one person who does care and that is the father to my daughter, other than that its sad but no-one.

Thanks agains

Hugs x x

[les66]

With many of things and issues in my life I also feel as though I am being a nuisance but we have to push for certain things, no matter how much a nuisance we THINK we are. I discussed this issue with my psychiatrist and she told me that when I am feelin as bad then I have the right to be seen. I do not abuse that though, only when a real emergency.

I am pleased the tears have stopped now. NEVER thnik you are being a nuisance by posting on here. We help and support because we want to, that is our choice. Of course we care, would not be here if didn't.

Try be strong and always remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Take Care

Leslie x

[quietmorn]

treacle,

I'm so sorry to hear your story, it made me very sad. I can't imagine what you are going through. Please try to stay strong and keep fighting for her. Maybe one day soon you will be re-united. Thinking of you, take care of yourself.

[Ocean Wolf]

:grouphug[1]: :grouphug[1]: :grouphug[1]: :grouphug[1]: :grouphug[1]:

[stayaway21@hotmail.com]

hi ! i am very sorry to hear your story but im slightly confused ? or have i missed your previous posts ? your kid was taken away because you have BPD ? or was it because of other circumstances ? hope your ok.

ad.

[Roses]

((((((((((((((((((((((((treacle14))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[treacle14]

hi ya stayaway. Basically diagnosed in 2002. Brief 1 or 2 night stays in hospital and then 3 stays in 2006. My mum reported me to the police twice. Then on myself and my daughters father. Midwife came out as my mum had been telling me shouldn't have kids, wouldn't cope with kids, can't have kids since my dad died. Didn't think that me and my daughter father could have kids anyway. Me meds, him mumps 27. Fell pregnant, no-one to talk to. No siblings, dad gone, dont get on with my mum as she was a mental health staff nurse and is always coming up with some new mental illness for me. The lastest is asperges. Anyway more to the point. It broke in the press about baby 'p' two weeks before my due date. It broke approximately 1 week, no more than when she was born. No chance. They had to sharpen up quick and with totally unecessary calls to the polic about things I hadn't done? Dosn't look good.

I apologise to you if I sound angry, but I going through the crying and angry at the same emtion, so a combination of BPD and Baby 'P' I think. Being a mum was something I couldn't describe. It was the most magical feeling in the world, and she will always be in my heart, just like her dad is to me. They are my life and they have gone.

Thanks for reply and concern. Hope I cleared up the confusion and sorry again if its sounds angry, agressive, or sarcastic. I'm not to social services allowed to get verbbally angry yet they think i'm physically dangerous? I'm as dangerous as a fly. It hurts so much. They never gave us a chance. Always miss her and love her with all my heart just like her dad.

[treacle14]

I'm alone now. Getting used to nights on my own. It's awful. 10 years ago I had a house and a job. Now I have a bedsit but my daughter is priceless. All this pain. It hurts so much. I just wish the pain would stop. Wish I had the strength to go to contact, not burst into tears after 10 minutes and leave as even though she is 6 months old i don't want to cry around her. Don't want her to see me like that, even though she won't remember me in years to come. The most precious thing that her dad and me thought we couldn't have and yet here she is and going to be probaby brought up by somone else. My heart is broken and wish that god. if there is one, would help me get the strength to just finally kill myself as i'm sick of hurt and pain now in my life. My babies father and me were so happy and they never gave us a chance as a family. I'll never forget the fact I was a mum and breast fed her for a week before she went. Take care little one. Mum loves you and always has. I think we would have done a good job between us, me and her dad, and hope that social services and the mental health services are happy to cause so much pain through 1 precious, beautiful, gorgeous little girl. Taps are on again. Going to go for now.

I love you little girl. 24 weeks friday night and the best thing that ever happened to me. You dad saved my life, and now neither can get you back to where you belong. If only you knew how much you are loved and wanted by your mum and dad.

Thanks to anyone who reads this. Don't want to upset anyone, just need to let it out myself.

[Dani]

Inot imagine what you are going through or the pain that you feel.Please seek some help and support while you feel this way.

I know living with this pain seems unbearable right now...support and counselling will help you cope with how you are feeling.

xxx

[snowman]

I just wish I knew what to say. Please know that people are listening here so sound off, get cross whatever so you can focus your energies on your daughter.

[AveMaria]

So much of what you wrote struck a chord with me. Like stayaway, I am not sure I totally understand the situation, but I do understand how much you must be hurting. I never thought I would have children, I actually didn't want to. I had a horrible childhood and have almost no happy memories of growing up, so I never understood why anyone would want to have children. My family always said I shouldn't have children, ironic really considering they are the least maternal and paternal people I have met. My mother even offered to pay for me to be sterilized. I probably would have actually done it except I was pregnant when she offered, but hadn't let anyone know yet. From the minute I found out I was pregnant, I felt so blessed. When I met my first daughter it was like I regained hope and finally realized all that had been missing from my life. I fell instantly in love and she gave me something to live for, fight for, protect. I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best in your life and with your daughter. Don't give up, even if you may not be able to get a fairy tale ending, you can try your hardest to get the best possible outcome. You love your daughter and as long as you make sure you let her know that, everything else will take care of itself and be okay.

xxx

[treacle14]

Inot imagine what you are going through or the pain that you feel.Please seek some help and support while you feel this way.

I know living with this pain seems unbearable right now...support and counselling will help you cope with how you are feeling.

xxx

Please don't be offended by what i'm going to say, but I tried to seek all this help before and during my pregnancy. The psychiatrist due to see me when I was pregnant left, counselling at the new big NHS doctors was short term only, and have only just started to see a psychiatrist again which is every 6 weeks. So what help? I tried to prevent all this happening, please believe me, but it did anyway. So please believe me I have tried.

Thanks for your reply thought, and support its appreciated.

[treacle14]

So much of what you wrote struck a chord with me. Like stayaway, I am not sure I totally understand the situation, but I do understand how much you must be hurting. I never thought I would have children, I actually didn't want to. I had a horrible childhood and have almost no happy memories of growing up, so I never understood why anyone would want to have children. My family always said I shouldn't have children, ironic really considering they are the least maternal and paternal people I have met. My mother even offered to pay for me to be sterilized. I probably would have actually done it except I was pregnant when she offered, but hadn't let anyone know yet. From the minute I found out I was pregnant, I felt so blessed. When I met my first daughter it was like I regained hope and finally realized all that had been missing from my life. I fell instantly in love and she gave me something to live for, fight for, protect. I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best in your life and with your daughter. Don't give up, even if you may not be able to get a fairy tale ending, you can try your hardest to get the best possible outcome. You love your daughter and as long as you make sure you let her know that, everything else will take care of itself and be okay.

xxx

Hi ya, thanks for your reply. I tried my hardest at the contact centre, please believe me I did everything I could. I fell in love with my little girl instantly too, thats why it hurts as she gave me hope and a new beginning of a chapter in my life with her dad. Being watched 9-1 everyday, mon-fri, assessment twice a week, no real support when I tried to seek it out before I had her. I tried so hard to do everything right. She was so much wanted. I was only a mum for a week. Four days of that was on a maternity unit, and 3 at home. I breast fed her, talked to her, enjoyed every little smile she made. I cracked up and went down hill. Social services accused me of not co-operating, so I even agreed for them to see me labour. How cruel eh to me and her dad? Dropped it on him 24 hour supervision or care. Not really talking us but his oldest sister and mum. Treating us like kids, when actually he is educated to degree level, and i'm educated to HNC level, so we are not that daft. Stupid in some ways, yes, but as far as love, ideas on kids, (he has 9 nieces and nephews) we had it sussed so we thought. A woman of 35 and man of 38, one with a BPD, oh no we can't cope can we? Baby 'P' broke in the press the week she was born. It was all against us from the minute I visited the doctors and told a clinician I was pregnant who told me to do my own research on the internet when I was trying to talk to her about my fears and worries. Social services have given me conflicting information as well. They also told us it would be 3 months, and yet here we are in may now not knowing until june 24th if social services are going to recommend adoption. I honestly fought my emtions so hard but all I do now is feel guilty that its all my fault. Thats why I break down at the contact centre. If only I knew all the what I thought was natural instincts would click into place. The responsibility fear went too. She's gorgeous and beautiful I used to think on the maternity ward. I'm the luckiest person alive. Me, her and her dad are all i need in life now. But it all got snatched away and now i'm all on my own and it's all my fault. The guiilt, love, missing her, everything overwhelms now. I had a bad childhood too, and always felt responsible for my mum. (Long story). I so wanted different for my daughter and a baby brother or sister. But all that hope has gone. Social services have said because I have missed so much contact its damaged limitation now, so whats the point now? She will probably be adopted anyway, and I know I sound selfish here, but I don't want to hurt anymore. They didn't explain anything to us at all, and nothing ever changed about the contact centre. Weren't allowed out, only in a small garden. Couped up in a room about the size of a lounge for 4 hours solid. Always being watched, everything noted down,told when to wash your hands, told conflicting information. Christ I was nervous enough about being a new mum without trying to put me through this as well. I know I'm not an expert but mother instinct really had kicked in, or so I thought. Can't have can it? We would be a family if it had, if I hadn't got a BPD, if I hadn't kept hearing my mother's words whenever I mentioned having kids, "can't have kids, shouldn't have kids, wouldn't cope with kids". All that since my dad died 11 years ago, yet all I ever did was try to care for her, understand her, keep her happy, but nothing was ever good enough. Now I'll never get to be the proud mum I was once. Never get the chance to be a "mum". I'm not a mum anymore, and it hurts like crazy. This pain is worse than when I was waiting for my dad to die after a stroke at 57. Sorry to sound selfish, but why can't life ever turn out good for me?

[thesloaneranger]

treacle hun, ive read this thread and i just want to hug you. i dont have much knowledge about social services procedures im afraid, but i am a mum and could not imagine what your going through for one second. have you tried getting a lawyer involved as it sounds from your posts like you havent had a fair deal. its no ones fault to be ill and by the sounds of things, being a mum to your daughter would give you something to live for.

adoption is a scary thing - im adopted, so i know what its like years down the road. social services never look that far ahead, so dont give up your fight. i know they are probably trying to err on the side of caution after all the recent bad articles in the press but its wrong to tar everyone with the same brush.

good luck *hug*

[stayaway21@hotmail.com]

treacle hun, ive read this thread and i just want to hug you. i dont have much knowledge about social services procedures im afraid, but i am a mum and could not imagine what your going through for one second. have you tried getting a lawyer involved as it sounds from your posts like you havent had a fair deal. its no ones fault to be ill and by the sounds of things, being a mum to your daughter would give you something to live for.

adoption is a scary thing - im adopted, so i know what its like years down the road. social services never look that far ahead, so dont give up your fight. i know they are probably trying to err on the side of caution after all the recent bad articles in the press but its wrong to tar everyone with the same brush.

good luck *hug*

yes thesloaneranger has a point did you get a lawyer involved ? you dont sound sarcy or angry but even so it is understandable to be emotional right now. am i right in saying that your mother has reported you to the police because you have bpd and thought you would be dangerous to the child ? or have you had an incident with the police before baby was born ? i have 2 kids myself and i would like to understand your predicament.

my names adam by the way :-)

[treacle14]

treacle hun, ive read this thread and i just want to hug you. i dont have much knowledge about social services procedures im afraid, but i am a mum and could not imagine what your going through for one second. have you tried getting a lawyer involved as it sounds from your posts like you havent had a fair deal. its no ones fault to be ill and by the sounds of things, being a mum to your daughter would give you something to live for.

adoption is a scary thing - im adopted, so i know what its like years down the road. social services never look that far ahead, so dont give up your fight. i know they are probably trying to err on the side of caution after all the recent bad articles in the press but its wrong to tar everyone with the same brush.

good luck *hug*

yes thesloaneranger has a point did you get a lawyer involved ? you dont sound sarcy or angry but even so it is understandable to be emotional right now. am i right in saying that your mother has reported you to the police because you have bpd and thought you would be dangerous to the child ? or have you had an incident with the police before baby was born ? i have 2 kids myself and i would like to understand your predicament.

my names adam by the way :-)

Hi ya, thanks for your kind reply. During a bad spell in 2006 my mother reported me to the police twice. Once for blocking her way on the way back from one of my persoanltiy disorder unit assessment appointment, and the other for attacking her. Nothing came of it, but its still there on your CRB charged or not. Not that it makes any difference but in reality neither of the claimed incidents happened.

Yes there is a solicitor involved, but as I have broken down emtionally and totally lost my confidence at st.andrews contact centre to show that I am a capable mother as I am being watched for 4 hours constantly along with her dad. I feel shamed, guilty, angry with mysef for not having that fighting spirit in me as I know very little about kids not having been round them very much. That the last time I tried to visit her I just started to cry and left after 10 mins and in soical services eyes its me stomping off like a child who can't get their own way. In realityI don't want to just sit and cry around my daughter. She only 6 months but young and don't wish to do it in front of her. My mother didn't help by keep telling me i shouldn't have kids, can't have kids, wouldn't cope with kids, and that was for ywars until I fell pregnant with her dad.

Thanks again and thanks for wanting to understand my situation.

[stayaway21@hotmail.com]

treacle hun, ive read this thread and i just want to hug you. i dont have much knowledge about social services procedures im afraid, but i am a mum and could not imagine what your going through for one second. have you tried getting a lawyer involved as it sounds from your posts like you havent had a fair deal. its no ones fault to be ill and by the sounds of things, being a mum to your daughter would give you something to live for.

adoption is a scary thing - im adopted, so i know what its like years down the road. social services never look that far ahead, so dont give up your fight. i know they are probably trying to err on the side of caution after all the recent bad articles in the press but its wrong to tar everyone with the same brush.

good luck *hug*

yes thesloaneranger has a point did you get a lawyer involved ? you dont sound sarcy or angry but even so it is understandable to be emotional right now. am i right in saying that your mother has reported you to the police because you have bpd and thought you would be dangerous to the child ? or have you had an incident with the police before baby was born ? i have 2 kids myself and i would like to understand your predicament.

my names adam by the way :-)

Hi ya, thanks for your kind reply. During a bad spell in 2006 my mother reported me to the police twice. Once for blocking her way on the way back from one of my persoanltiy disorder unit assessment appointment, and the other for attacking her. Nothing came of it, but its still there on your CRB charged or not. Not that it makes any difference but in reality neither of the claimed incidents happened.

Yes there is a solicitor involved, but as I have broken down emtionally and totally lost my confidence at st.andrews contact centre to show that I am a capable mother as I am being watched for 4 hours constantly along with her dad. I feel shamed, guilty, angry with mysef for not having that fighting spirit in me as I know very little about kids not having been round them very much. That the last time I tried to visit her I just started to cry and left after 10 mins and in soical services eyes its me stomping off like a child who can't get their own way. In realityI don't want to just sit and cry around my daughter. She only 6 months but young and don't wish to do it in front of her. My mother didn't help by keep telling me i shouldn't have kids, can't have kids, wouldn't cope with kids, and that was for ywars until I fell pregnant with her dad.

Thanks again and thanks for wanting to understand my situation.

hi again treacle !

why is your mother trying to interfere so much ? i understand you are her daughter etc but she has no right ! this is the reason i have a problem with labels, the minute you are diagnosed with BPD the "normal" types just see you as a crazy person ? not a human being anymore !? this is why im so reluctant to seek help. we are all human with feelings and are capable of loving and caring for our kids ! i think you need to get the support of people who believe in you as a parent and get a petition started. see a lawyer or citizens advice about it no-one should have the right to take your child away ! you were only crying because of the situation and it overwhelmed you ! surely social services should understand seeing you have a mental illness ? no one has the right to judge you treacle you have had a hard time of things and i think you should have a little me time and charge your batteries so you can be ready for a fight !

p.s. are you from brum by any chance ? just noticed you said st andrews contact centre ??

adam.