Conflict In The Forum

[Sammy]

No not feeling angry with you at all. I'd never thought about their being a difference between empathy and sympathy...certainly given me something to think about there! Sorry I hi-jacked the thread, you seem to be quite street wise so was interested on how you would handle the situation is all. Obviously online is very different to offline. Although obviously the advice you give can be used in both online and offline situations, which was what I was trying to determine. I'll let you get back to the topic. Thanks Ross.

[hummm_mabbe]

Yes but the educated ones you can talk your way out of it using Ross's methods! The uneducated ones it goes over their heads!

The problem here has to do with your sense of threat, and as I said to Ocean Wolf, this can come down to deeper issues. If you have been abused and hurt a lot i life, then you will feel vulnerable to attack, be on the look out for it and guarded against it. Your view of the world will be coloured by the lens of threat, and it seems that for you this is an issue right now.

Whether this is online, or near your home, you are currently feeling that people intend to do you harm. This is not the same as verbal conflict, which has to do with two people with opposing aims or grievances. Not everyone who disagrees with you wants to hurt you, and not everyone who gets angry is about to wallop you - but if your past suggests otherwise, then you are going to see the world through that threat related prism.

You dont deal with thugs in the same way you deal with an irate customer, friend or family member. Its like the difference between politics and military action - diplomacy is about talking, which may get heated and angry. There are needs and desires on both sides that are important to those who hold them. Invadng a country is something else entirely, and you do not see diplomats manning the tanks. Once war is declared, then you are free to dish out whatever they give back. The problem seems to be that you are suggesting that the situation with your neighbour is always the same as online conflict, which is a very all or nothing view.

In the case of recent events here, you may see that what was said to you in PM IS the same as your neighbour. If the intent - to harm and hurt - is there, then I am tempted to agree and I would feel afraid as well. Of course, someone online cannot actually pitch a brick through your window and so its easier to say "ok whatever, I have no patience for you" and stop replying, or perhaps close their account down.

[Sammy]

I think we were both making the same point, that not all situations can be dealt with verbally and diplomatically, sometimes it takes other tactics. I was just interested on what other tactics you might know of as you seem to have a lot of information stored up in that brain of yours, although maybe I should have started a seperate thread?

[Sammy]

And yes in real life I am on the look out for it and jump at everything. I spend most of my time in my house and only leave if someone is with me when I absolutely have to, then feeling extremes of anxiety when I'm out and feel very much in danger.

However I have always felt quite safe online, hence why I am able to be so open. I was shocked by the personal verbal attacks made on me as it's not an every day occurance and very rarely do people online insult me in any way. In particular because I had been speaking to a different person, who had appreciated my honesty and openess and said as much in the thread and in a pm to me thanking me for the time and effort I put into talking to her.

I've been moderator and owner of other forums and never seen anything like what happened in that thread before. Yes of course people have disagreements and sometimes say things they don't mean. I've just never been on the recieving end to that degree before and I guess I was unequipped to handle it at the time.

The good thing is though that once we've experienced something we have something to look back on and draw on for future incidents, something to learn from and new methods to try. Also why I appreciate the things you've said on here because it's another option to look into for the future.

[hummm_mabbe]

I think we were both making the same point, that not all situations can be dealt with verbally and diplomatically, sometimes it takes other tactics. I was just interested on what other tactics you might know of as you seem to have a lot of information stored up in that brain of yours, although maybe I should have started a seperate thread?

In terms of dealing with actual threats, there is a great guy called Geoff Thomson who has written a great deal about life-preserving situations. He has a good book called "the art of fighting without fighting" that shows how to dissuade and escape from dangerous situations. He talks a lot about the fear response and how it affects us. If you have much deeper and ongoing fears about the world in general, or perhaps even suffer from generalised anxiety or agoraphobia, then it may be that some deeper therapy or exploration of that will be needed. You may like to look up "The Vulnerability To Harm schema" online as this covers the sense and belief that the world is dangerous and threatening. CBT can help with some of the same issues as well.

There are also many books on personal protection - a good and practical one is 'streetwise' by Peter Consterdine.

Dont forget that when it comes to neighbour issues, that citizens advice is there, as well as the newer anti-social behaviour lines of local councils.

[Sammy]

I shall look into all the books suggested for sure, both about verbal situations and the life threatening real life ones.

The police are currently trying to get asbo's on these people, and have asked us to keep logs. I'm thinking of talking to other residents to see what trouble they have and if there is anything we can do as a community working together as i think this would be much more beneficial to all of us. Unfortunately these people own their own homes so getting them kicked out is almost impossible, I don't know how an asbo helps (I've heard these types of people feel proud to have asbo's!) but maybe it gives the police more freedom to act against them if they have an asbo, I'm not sure.

Thanks for that!

Have written down the names of those books.

[Shellybelly]

yes i agree conflict should be sorted out of the board as i know i have had a issue with a certain abusive member on here

and they kept making post saying it me and getting a whole forum to gang up on me. yes a large group of ye did. i dont really mind as i know the truth

but people dont always know the truth and get given wrong information by certain people and then use it to judge others.

there are two sides to every story before you go calling anyone names. im lucky i was in a good place myself to deal with

this issue but i know it could lead someone who was in the bout of a serious depression to cause harm to themself. telling

someone to go kill themselfves and slit there throat then saying there the bully is wrong yet no one see things like this

as there hidden. i feel i have been let down by staff and i learned who my real friends are during this time. i know i have come

out the bigger better person. i think staff should take more action when a member is upset and been bullied and not wait

till it gone out of hand like was the case in my situation.

[lucy]

Yes but the educated ones you can talk your way out of it using Ross's methods! The uneducated ones it goes over their heads!

Pass me the cap marked D then

I uderstand whats being said but for me there is a huge jump between understanding somthing and doing. When i read a therpay book - of which i have read many - i can uderstand the concepts that they talk about but it still is a maassive struggle to work it out

Posts that attack people always have a mass readership, Yes it would be great if we could all get along and not have conflicts but this is life and it happens. Its about learning from it dealing with it and moving on.

I havent read all off the post that i think this is reffering to but the whole tone off the topic wasnt written with alot of concideration in the first place, it will then nose dive.

Lucy

[Barebones]

As another long standing member, like lucy. My interpretation of what is going on and say what? 1 year? since i was a full-time member, using the boards frequently ect. What is happening now to what i know is very minascule to compare to years back. This forem has matured and the people who is here from past and to present day and some new members is that we have learned that, me? i have matured, less sensitive and understand that me only! from past expereince is that BPD people have a intolerence to others with same condition and other mental illness. Why? me a BPD person is very sensitive to peoples mood and so that brings paranioa and being selective and confrontational when we! feel that well i am feeling this and it warrents others to feel my backlash if things is happening online or even in life moments.

We all have this thing in us and that is we feel any confrontation or a difference in what we feel or think is an attack. I can say that when you get older and you take the help that is offered with the the self survival in us is that we can get better and we do manage our moods and thoughts. This is our maturing phase meaning we are more inclined in listening than attacking or going to the extremes and also facing up to what our problem is and facing up to the challenge in working ourway around it. instead of extreme! self harming, suicide,shouting, selfishness, i am allways right syndrome or everyong is against me.

This behaviour can be changed, only if you are willing to up the challenge and forget or forgive past experiences. being BPD does not give us the right! to push or invlict others to out extriemeties or our well i cant help myself!. Sry to say we are all able to help ourself with the right meds, to controloing up to a portion and really stop punnishing ouselves. which leads to the recycle of bad feeling and all the things we go to.

Sry for this long winded reply.I just had to reply as from what ive seen and read is that this is nothing from what has happened before in past and this is down to paranioa and selfishness and just being a shit of a person., if that is how you feel someone giving you a honest opnion to somthing. REMEMBER LIFE DOES NOT ENVOLVE AROUND US! we and others have to adapt and work on changing. THIS FORUM IS ABOUT CHANGING AND GETTING BETTER AND HELP.

Some peeps may remeber me here, i know the staff will and others, my experience is i am BETTERING MYSELF, i am not going to be a stastitic in life, i am going to be myself and work with what i have and am. I am now at university, far beyond i thought i could do, also hold a job down, even with mental health and physical health reasons, trying to stop me.

Sry i will stop there, and (((huggles)))) to all i know, also to the new. LIFE IS HARD, WITH BPD OR WITHOUT.

[Ocean Wolf]

Hey, age isn't everything! lol My dad is over twice my age and still behaves the way you describe. So there.

Ok sorry for being silly.

I can't find my book from anger management. Apologies, I am moving and the place is a mess. I will reply with what we covered there when I find the book.

What Nick and I have been using during our arguments (and I'm pretty sure I got most of it from anger management) to help de-escalate the situation and our reactions are the following: keeping voices at a low to normal volume; thinking before speaking to ensure that we say things in the least accusatory way possible; if we accidentally say something that could be worded better, we apologize and say it with the better wording; listen to what the other person says (even if for not other reason than to find better come backs ); we take responsible for ourselves; and we assess which means more to us, the relationship or our goal. Also, and I would recommend this last one for couples, but anyone else might be weird.... If we feel comfortable enough to, we hug, cuddle, or sit/lay close to each other. It's hard to stay mad at someone if you're cuddling them.

[lucy]

As another long standing member, like lucy.

*smiles* i lke being called a long standing member

[Ruth24]

Hiya,

does long standing mean old? ha ha, only kidding )

I agree whith a lot of what you say, especially barbones. I have BPD and taking responsibility for our actions is very important part of recovery so although conflict is inevitable, we should try hard to resolve it. Easier said than done i know. however conflict can be upsetting and can trigger people to self harm, suicide etc and we should all remember that when leaving posts. again, with BPD impulsiveness is an issue which is why it is so important to think before leaving a post and if the post is anacceptable responsibilty must be taken to resolve the issue as quickly as possible. most of us here are trying to get better and yes, learning how to manage anger and deal with conflict is essential so thanks for all the advice about that.

I would just like to add, I don't think other topics should should be referred to in this because i don't want it to become an extention of an existing topic(s). This is all about resolving issues in the correct manner and trying to encourage those with mental health illness to stop and think before leaving a post that could be considered offensive.

Think i'll be quiet now before i ramble any further

xx

[Joshua]

What is happening now to what i know is very minascule to compare to years back.

Id like to endorse that comment, completely accurate.

[lucy]

does long standing mean old? ha ha, only kidding )

old! im only 36 - to to old i hope :0)

[hummm_mabbe]

I would just like to add, I don't think other topics should should be referred to in this because i don't want it to become an extention of an existing topic(s).

Agreed :)

[bibiddi]

What is happening now to what i know is very minascule to compare to years back.

Id like to endorse that comment, completely accurate.

I was reminiscing about some of the people that were fab at causing conflict.

Ahhh, them were the days.

[jades]

as long as were talking about anger when i get angry i alwyas stop myself before posting and read what has upset me and see their point of view and ask myself what is it im really feeling cause it ususlly more than just anger it could have something to do with my past that person has no idea about just a thought i wanted to put out there hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Ocean Wolf]

Hiya,

does long standing mean old? ha ha, only kidding )

Long standing means we need to get them a chair. :P

[Barebones]

actually give me a zimmer frame, " heads up to who reaches the top of the forum! lucy and march and all us oldies"

*im like a donkey with a carrot being put in front of my nose, or is that a bottle of drink? lol *

keep safe all, live life and prosper ( opps did i really say that? lol i just went and saw star trek with the family tonight , it was great! beam me up scottie!)

night night