Am I On A Path To Hell (again)

[SickAna]

I had Anorexia from around the ages 15 to 21. I spent a total of 9 months in hospital/clinics and 2 years in 'recovery' and reached an almost normal weight 3 years ago. But since I 'recovered' from the E.D have had massive problems with mental illness, Borderline Personality Disorder and all it's associated simptoms including drug addiction and self-harm. I honestly don't know what type of hell is worse and certainly romanticise the time I was anorexic because, although it was just horrible it was one that felt controlled, albeit deadly. But ever since I 'recovered' (from E.D that is) I have found myself inclined to 'dabble' in E.D type behaviour - starving, restriting, over-excersising etc. Because that has been the case for years, I'm not sure if it crosses the line... but am begining to feel a little worried, every time I come out of a few days of starving myself I find it harder to go back. And I made a HUGE mistake recently - bought a set of scales! I've lost 9 kilos... I feel like I may be slipping although it doesn't feel to bad, feels fantastic actually. I guess it's just this tiny voice in the back of my mind niggling at me - I'm worried I guess because after all I've been through with the underlying mental illness, if I do get really sick again, I'm not sure I'd have the strength to pull myself out...... um. what should I do? what can I do? If this a relapse it's the most inevitable one in the history of relapses and I wonder if i should just get it over with because it was going to happen sooner or later. And if that is the case, surely I'm better off telling myself I'm fine for as long as i can get away with it? ? ?

[Jinxsta]

........Ok hun these as you know are early warnng signs, the scales, feeling real good about the weight-loss..... you need to tell ur GP, PDOC, therapist, whoever you have, who you can trust, and nip this in the bud before it gets out of control.... this is your chance to stop a relapse, sooner the better.

Be stong!!!!

XxXxXx

[hummm_mabbe]

I had Anorexia from around the ages 15 to 21. I spent a total of 9 months in hospital/clinics and 2 years in 'recovery' and reached an almost normal weight 3 years ago. But since I 'recovered' from the E.D have had massive problems with mental illness, Borderline Personality Disorder and all it's associated simptoms including drug addiction and self-harm. I honestly don't know what type of hell is worse and certainly romanticise the time I was anorexic because, although it was just horrible it was one that felt controlled, albeit deadly. But ever since I 'recovered' (from E.D that is) I have found myself inclined to 'dabble' in E.D type behaviour - starving, restriting, over-excersising etc. Because that has been the case for years, I'm not sure if it crosses the line... but am begining to feel a little worried, every time I come out of a few days of starving myself I find it harder to go back. And I made a HUGE mistake recently - bought a set of scales! I've lost 9 kilos... I feel like I may be slipping although it doesn't feel to bad, feels fantastic actually. I guess it's just this tiny voice in the back of my mind niggling at me - I'm worried I guess because after all I've been through with the underlying mental illness, if I do get really sick again, I'm not sure I'd have the strength to pull myself out...... um. what should I do? what can I do? If this a relapse it's the most inevitable one in the history of relapses and I wonder if i should just get it over with because it was going to happen sooner or later. And if that is the case, surely I'm better off telling myself I'm fine for as long as i can get away with it? ? ?

Hi Ana

For me, this post very much ties in with your other thread about looking at the past and what is needed to get better.

Psychologists often talk about something called "symtpom substitution" which is when a person is able to stop a certain mental illness or emotional distress related behaviour, only to find that the problem pops up elsewhere. The most common example of this is in people who give up smoking only to begin to eat more and more, but this is only one example. In mental health it could be someone who overcomes depression, only to find that they become anxious or maybe even angry and abusive to people they were previously kind to, or someone who gives up taking a drug and starts compulsive shopping or sexual activity. There are different types of substitution - one is an outward coping mechanism, like gambling or sex, and the other is an observable symptom like depression, anxiety etc.

Many psychologists see eating disorders as a way that a person suffering deeper emotional pain copes with those feelings. It can provide a sense of control and reward - she is able to control the way her body looks and so fend off feelings of worthlessness or defectiveness for a time. The problem is that treating the eating disorder may not change the underlying feeling of pain, isolation or defectiveness that lead to the behaviour of purging and diet restriction. If you take away the eating disorder, she may well then be more exposed to those underlying feelings because you have removed her coping strategy. New symptoms and coping startegies will emerge, and these new responses may well be ones that are identifiable as some other disorder, say BPD. As you may be able to see, by working at this symtpom level its possible to simply stay stuck in a cycle of exchanging one problem for another, without getting to the root of it. As the person veers between different coping methods, so she is seen to relapse as those emotions begin to overwhelm her.

So again this comes back to your other post about dealing with the past: If there are things lurking back there that are the base for your sense of depression, or worthlessness, or loneliness / isolation, then bringing those into the light of day will help you deal with them. Many people continue to act in ways that actually contribute to their suffering because it is what they have learned - they may feel no one will ever truly be there for them, yet select depriving or selfish partners and friends. They may belive that people are abusers or cheats, but continue to select partners of friends who are abusive (though this may be consciously experienced as "eventually everyone leaves / hurts / abuses / sees through me"). In the long run, the persons emotional needs are not identified or met, and a vicious cycle is formed that keeps them stuck. The outward evidence of this cycle is symptoms, disorders - but the actual under architecture of them is emotional.

If you have had many years of therapy but not found the right approach to compassionately, patiently and understandignly help you work through the past and continue to relapse, then now would be a good time to look into longer term, emotions focused therapies. It is difficult though, because if you are actively angaged in self harm, eating disorders or substance abuse, most therapists and psychiatrists will want to treat those surface problems first because it is hard to get someone to engage with therapy if they have this coping mechanism - it may well be too tempting to fall back into that than to go through the difficult and sometimes painful effort of working with the past. An example of this is alcoholism - as long as the person can escape from pain easily by drinking, they are unlikely to want to face that pain.

There are many therapy types out there and hopefully there will be one that is right for you, that will take away those surface symptoms but also deal with the underlying emotional pain. Remember that your relationship with your therapist is very important - often this is overlooked, and especially in BPD, the person may not get on with the therapist and have relationship breakdown in therapy too. They may move from one therapist to another, with no one realising that the personaluty disorder itself is what is causing the ruptures. That is why very specific types of therapy and therapist are needed once you get to this very complex stage. If you have been passed from one therapist to another, its possible that this is what was happening for you. It doesnt mean you are incurable, only that you need a very speciic combination of things, the person, the therapy, life situation - in order to get better.

Do you still live with your family?