Am I Creating Myself An Ed?

[Jinxsta]

....Ok, I've always been passionate about food (im an ex chef too)....and I come from a family of mainly skinny, pretty and self-conscious women and even the men are fit and up together; the females have always been judgemental to me in the past about my "GOD! haven't you put on weight!", "your arse looks massive in those jeans!", "Fuckin' hell, what size are you now???"....i've always laughed it off, but kind of been aware that people see me as fat which did make me self-conscious, so i would keep myself well hidden in baggy clothes. Then about 2 years ago i saw a photo of myself and realised just how fat i was 5"5.5 and almost an 18. Since then i have put myself through periods of starvation, going anything from 3days up to a week living on nothing or maybe a packet of crisps every other day, then I had this idea of just eating when I was ACTUALLY feeling hungry rather than 3meals a day coz ya supposed to, to which i found i never really got that hungry, more just craved things, to which fighting the cravings became very hard and i would end up binging, (I ate 10 packets of walkers in a row before)...then the guilt and shame would start the starvation period. I've lost a lot of weight since xmas, due to my lack of eating...stomach screaming at me for food but i just wont give in, telling myself to be strong and not let my stomach control me. This does impact on my health, I was told i was borderline diabetic a few years ago too and refused any further treatment or tests and agreed to go to the doc's monthly for fasting tests, test myself if i felt my levels were low and eat 6 small meals a day... promptly i changed doctors and the new one never mentioned it. In hospital they checked my levels every now and then and noticed they were low, but i would just say "oh coz i haven't eaten yet", i've nearly passed out several times in the past week; feeling dizzy, weak and sick, i do then make sure i have something sweet due to not wanting to pass out in public.

Now things have progressed to me going to boots about 4 times a week to check my weight and getting terribly pissed off when I haven't lost anything, today I brought a hi-tech set of scales which measure everything, reason being it will save me time and money going to boots and i can then weigh myself whenever i like. Also stopped food shopping completely, because i hate to waste food whilst people are starving and it was just going out of date. But i did go to tesco today and it took me 2 damn hours to get 2 small bags of shopping coz i was checking the calories on everything, so basically ended up with two bags of veg, salad, prawns and orange juice. I've also noticed that i've been delibretly eating something when im at my mums or at a friends just so they don't notice anything unusual. And i love the reaction of people who haven't seen me for a while "wow! looks like someones pulled the plug out!", and my aunty asking if i was on drugs because of my pretty rapid weightloss. Im not currently underweight, im overweight (the machine says so!) my target is 10 stone, or a size 10 (not too far from that my new size 12s are loose). But I do not want to get myself there and then not be satisfied. Im also worried bout my DBT therapist noticing, coz she also runs the ED clinic, i think im managing to hide the loss quite well since she hasn't said anything. What do i do now? how do I stop this from going too far? will it just be another of my passing fads? Am i causing this myself? Is it just another way to self-destruct? or another form of self-harm? I don't know, what do u think?

XxX

[saphyreraine]

I think you could be heading down a slippery slope... People with BPD often use food as another form of self harm, is it something you could talk to your DBT therapist about? If she works in the ED clinic too she'll have a good knowledge base to advise you?

I know it's hard, but try and take care xx

[SickAna]

....Ok, I've always been passionate about food (im an ex chef too)....and I come from a family of mainly skinny, pretty and self-conscious women and even the men are fit and up together; the females have always been judgemental to me in the past about my "GOD! haven't you put on weight!", "your arse looks massive in those jeans!", "Fuckin' hell, what size are you now???"....i've always laughed it off, but kind of been aware that people see me as fat which did make me self-conscious, so i would keep myself well hidden in baggy clothes. Then about 2 years ago i saw a photo of myself and realised just how fat i was 5"5.5 and almost an 18. Since then i have put myself through periods of starvation, going anything from 3days up to a week living on nothing or maybe a packet of crisps every other day, then I had this idea of just eating when I was ACTUALLY feeling hungry rather than 3meals a day coz ya supposed to, to which i found i never really got that hungry, more just craved things, to which fighting the cravings became very hard and i would end up binging, (I ate 10 packets of walkers in a row before)...then the guilt and shame would start the starvation period. I've lost a lot of weight since xmas, due to my lack of eating...stomach screaming at me for food but i just wont give in, telling myself to be strong and not let my stomach control me. This does impact on my health, I was told i was borderline diabetic a few years ago too and refused any further treatment or tests and agreed to go to the doc's monthly for fasting tests, test myself if i felt my levels were low and eat 6 small meals a day... promptly i changed doctors and the new one never mentioned it. In hospital they checked my levels every now and then and noticed they were low, but i would just say "oh coz i haven't eaten yet", i've nearly passed out several times in the past week; feeling dizzy, weak and sick, i do then make sure i have something sweet due to not wanting to pass out in public.

Now things have progressed to me going to boots about 4 times a week to check my weight and getting terribly pissed off when I haven't lost anything, today I brought a hi-tech set of scales which measure everything, reason being it will save me time and money going to boots and i can then weigh myself whenever i like. Also stopped food shopping completely, because i hate to waste food whilst people are starving and it was just going out of date. But i did go to tesco today and it took me 2 damn hours to get 2 small bags of shopping coz i was checking the calories on everything, so basically ended up with two bags of veg, salad, prawns and orange juice. I've also noticed that i've been delibretly eating something when im at my mums or at a friends just so they don't notice anything unusual. And i love the reaction of people who haven't seen me for a while "wow! looks like someones pulled the plug out!", and my aunty asking if i was on drugs because of my pretty rapid weightloss. Im not currently underweight, im overweight (the machine says so!) my target is 10 stone, or a size 10 (not too far from that my new size 12s are loose). But I do not want to get myself there and then not be satisfied. Im also worried bout my DBT therapist noticing, coz she also runs the ED clinic, i think im managing to hide the loss quite well since she hasn't said anything. What do i do now? how do I stop this from going too far? will it just be another of my passing fads? Am i causing this myself? Is it just another way to self-destruct? or another form of self-harm? I don't know, what do u think?

XxX

Hey mate. You pulled me up and told me to get my ass to a doctor ('am I on a path to hell (again)? relapse?) - let me return the favour! It's a really tricky issue if you have been overweight at times, cos naturally dieting and wanting to lose weight is something that can be good for you if you need to.... but passing out is NEVER good for you! And i understand why you might worry that if you get to your 'target weight', you might be tempted to keep going - and it can get pretty scary when that happens. Having been there myself these are the questions I'd ask yourself if you are trying to work out with your weight loss is 'disordered'...

- Do you think about food all the time? To the point where it actually starts to drive you up the wall?

- Do you expereince negative emotional repurcussions if you take a day off your 'diet'? Have you tried doing that? How do you feel about doing that? What would you say to having a day off tommorrow, just eating when your hungry and not worrying about it? Does the idea of that scare you? Could you do it?

-Do you find yourself engaging in food/excersise/diet-related behaviour as a way to avoid thinking about painful things?

- If so, could you give that up?

- has the concept of 'food', 'weight', 'diet' etc become entwined with methods of emotional regulation?

- Are your thoughts/behaviours regarding the above taking over from other parts of your life?

And if the answers to those questions make you worry, may I suggest you ask yourself these ones:

- is loosing weight that important to you?

-Is it more important than work/school/uni or watever it is that you do that you need fuel for your body if you wish to continue?

-Is it more important than your health?

- Is it more important than your friends and social life?

-Is it more important than your life-goals and aspirations?

-Is it more important than your passions and your creativity?

-Is it more important than your lover or your hopes of finding one some day?

..... because I guarantee you that if you DO get to a size ten and keep losing weight you will lose, piece by piece, everything else that is important to you. You simply CANNOT maintain both a serious eating disorder, and a life. Wich is something I need to remind myself of too!

Sorry if that sounds at all harsh, i don't mean to be. I guess I just want you (and me) to make that all important decision that an E.D is NOT what you want. I think you must know that it isn' t. And I think this message is just as much a wake up call to myself aswell as to you! But if you do want to make sure you don't get in trouble, don't put all the pressure on yourself to work it out, it can be pretty damm hard. I think the best person you could talk to would be a dietician (that's assuming you already see a therapist?). It can be really helpful to talk to someone who can remind you what is 'normal', it is easy to lose sight of it yourself! Don't keep going, being a size ten isn't that great really. Honestly, anorexia is one of the worst things you can go through - I'd actually rather be FAT!!!

All the best, take care of yourself

[Jinxsta]

Thank you for your replies, i realise now it was a bit long winded. Like I say my DBT therapist is also an ED specialist, so would be the best person the world to talk to about it but, I don't know why but I really can't bring myself to talk to her about it, just don't want her to know, almost fearful of her knowing.

I think maybe thats why I was attracted to answer your post, i could relate, not sure what i was doing in the ed section anyways, don't usually visit.

- Do you think about food all the time? To the point where it actually starts to drive you up the wall?

NO NOT ALL THE TIME, ONLY WHEN IM GOING THROUGH A STARVATION PERIOD DOES IT DRIVE ME MAD.

- Do you expereince negative emotional repurcussions if you take a day off your 'diet'?

YES, I TEND TO MENTALLY ABUSE MYSELF, AND IT BRINGS ME DOWN.

Have you tried doing that?

I'VE ALWAYS TRIED TO KEEP SATURDAYS AS A DAY WHERE I CAN HAVE A KFC OR MCDONALDS OR SOMETHING, BUT CANT ENJOY IT COZ IM THINKING OF THE FAT THATS INVADING MY BODY...AND SOMETHING SIMPLE AS A KFC CAN SPUR ON A STARVATION PERIOD.

How do you feel about doing that? What would you say to having a day off tommorrow, just eating when your hungry and not worrying about it? Does the idea of that scare you? Could you do it?

I COULD EAT ONE MEAL THATS A BIT FATTENING BUT THEN WOULDNT EAT ANYTHING ELSE AT LEAST FOR THE REST OF THAT DAY. EATING WHEN IM HUNGRY WORRIES ME IN CASE I EAT TOO MUCH AND STRETCH MY STOMACH INTO NEEDING MORE FOOD TO FEEL SATISFIED. I WOULD BE SCARED THAT IT WOULD CAUSE ME TO GO BACK PERMENTLY TO EATING FATTY STUFF EVERYDAY, THUS GETTING FATTER..

-Do you find yourself engaging in food/excersise/diet-related behaviour as a way to avoid thinking about painful things?

NO NOT DIRECTLY, BUT WHEN I FEEL VULNERABLE COZ OF BEING STRESSED OF UPSET, MY ALTER WILL KICK IN AND KIND OF TALK TO BE LIKE A DRILL SARGENT IF I WANT TO EAT "RU GONNA GIVE IN, DO U WANNA BE EVEN FATTER? YOU'RE FUCKING WEAK!" AND ITS TIMES LIKE THAT THAT I REALLY WANT TO EAT BUT I WONT COZ OF THOSE COMMENTS, I'LL SPUR MYSELF ON TO NOT EAT "NO, I WON'T BE WEAK I WONT GIVE IN, I DON'T NEED FOOD"

- If so, could you give that up?

- has the concept of 'food', 'weight', 'diet' etc become entwined with methods of emotional regulation?

NOT QUITE SURE WHAT U MEAN BY THAT ONE.

- Are your thoughts/behaviours regarding the above taking over from other parts of your life?

DO MEAN TAKING OVER FROM OTHER PARTS OF MY LIFE LIKE; STOPPING DRINKING ALCOHOL THEN GOING ON TO THIS?

The psych at the hospital, asked for me to be referred to a dietician (not sure why i didn't say anything about food), but the staff didn't do it, oh actually i think it was coz he saw my blood sugar level results.

....And i dont think ur being harsh, just caring but factual...Thanks.

XxX

[jades]

hey jinx i pmd u

[Jinxsta]

.....Just got them scales i brought working (they were telling me i was much lighter than i knew i was yesterday).

I had to put my height, sex, age, so thats 5ft5.6, F, and 20+3 (sorry OCD, hope u know what i mean).

Then stand on it (obviously).... 11st 11Ibs,

then it flashes; Fat 36.9%, with "over fat" underneath (how rude!)

then TBW (total body water) 46.2- leaflet says it should be >56 (does that mean less than 56 or more than??)

and finally Muscle analysis ratio; 35.8% (leaflet says >34% is normal, again am i over or under???).

...And i just went on a BMI calculator website and it says the following;

Your BMI is 26.6 - overweight

Your weight is above the healthy range for your height. Losing some weight would be beneficial to your health and make you look and feel better.

......So there is my evidence, I am seeing a fat person when i look in the mirror and IT WOULD be beneficial to lose more weight.

TA DA!

11 stone would make my BMI 24.9, and my target weight of 10 stone would make it 22.6... which is healthy!

All good, well what i am isn't but what i will be is.

XxX

[jades]

jinx look at what u just posted .... come on now that sounds like udder crap to me no offence but i wish someone had said this to me when iwas were u are denial/ justification people without problems dont obsess sbout these things i bet u peed first and stripped down first too huh ive been there it led me to 84 lbs and dying literally i thught if i inhaled the aroma of food i would gain weight ud be surprised how fast it can go from a lil curiuosity to obsesion to addiction to taking your life take my advise and get sme counciling please xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

xxx

[Jinxsta]

.... well it is factual though.... and what you bet; yeah i peed and stripped .... okays maybe u psychic ... or u just knowing oh too well where my head could be heading, right?

Before I read your post I was about to go do something then the word obsess jumped out at me..... and i thought "Lou, what u were about to do, would have really looked like obsession"......can't believe im gonna share this; i feel dumb now but i was gonna write on the front of all the food packets/tins etc the calorie content of a portion of each thing.

Ok, ok, ok I know your right (she says, reverting to teenage-mode; pouting, frowning, slouching head on one hand).

XxXxXxXxX

[Roses]

You don't have to be underweight to have an eating disorder. An eating disorder can be defined, in it's very essence, as an unyhealthy relationship with food. I have body dysmorphia and have been anorexic and bulimic so my advice is just eat healthy and you'll be fine. Having a slight obsession is OK just if it goes on too long seek help as could be ed starting. We all go through phases. at 26.6 you are only just overweight so there is no way you should see a really fat person in the mirror.

[Jinxsta]

Thanks Roses, I think i need to point out aswell that obsessivness is in my nature, so i probably will become over obsessed with it, but it will pass... my therapist was thinking I was alcoholic about 2months ago (which yeah i was making a pretty good impression as one admittidly ((AAARRGGHH SP!!))), but i told her it would pass and move on to something else and it has..... hopefully im right again.

XxX

[Roses]

I'll be thinking of you. You can always PM me if you prefer to chat like that. Lots of love xxxxx

[Jinxsta]

:) Thanks hun. Lots of love back.

XxX

[Jinxsta]

...the Jinxsta diet... prawn salad.

Take a bag of ready washed bAbyleaf salad; spinach, watercress, rocket and chard, place in a semi-deep bowl, place prawns (any type) evenlly on top, sprinkle with vinegar and olive oil to ur liking... then sprinkle; paprika and salt to ur taste and...ENJOY!

XxX

[Roses]

I love prawns but I went veggie again about 3 weeks ago! Yeah paprika, mayonnaise and ketchup = seafood sauce! Love it. I have rocket in the garden, yummee. All healthy stuff Jinxsta!

[Jinxsta]

...Ah i was veggie for 4years, ment to post my pic on the last1, post it now.....

XXXXXXX

#

Was lovley!...olive oil a bit fattening though, but better than "oil!"

XxX

[Roses]

I like plum tomatoes, buffalo mozarella and avocado drizzled with balsamic vinegar - yummee

[Jinxsta]

Ooooooh that sounds good, got me salvating!

XxX

[Roses]

Guess you'll be down the supermarket later then. xxx Enjoy!

[Warrior Princess]

I think you are far better off losing weight by changing your entire life style, eating healthier and excercising more rather than just going on any kind of fad diet to get to a target weight. You will ONLY put the weight back on when the fad diet stops where as the change of life style is permanent. Losing weight by starving yourself will cause you to binge when you do eat because your body believes that you are in a drought or famine. Therefore it will eat everything in sight when you allowe yourself food. This is simply a natural self preservation reaction to starving. You can also cause yourself bodily damage by starving yourself. If you have a high risk for diabetes you are putting yourself at great risk. No use being skinny and dead.

I can understand very well your reasons for going down this path as I have gone down it myself before for very similiar reasons. I see photo's of myself and think "I'm so damn FAT!!!" Try to remember that the camera will make you look about 10 lbs heavier than you look in person. That's just the nature of the 2D effect. Also remember that what people say about you does not always equal your true value. People can be cruel and unthinking. They can often be insecure in themselves and therefore have to knock others to make themselves feel better. This is no reflection at all on who YOU are but more of a reflection on the kind of person THEY are.

If you are going to skip meals it's better to replace them with a diet drink which will give you the vitamens and nutrition you need. It's also better NOT to skip meals, especially breakfast. If you eat breakfast you will actually find that you lose more weight than skipping it. It's true! I was told this once and tried it and voila! I went from losing no weight at all to losing. Reason is, it raises your metabolism and the energy you take in of a morning is burnt off during the day. Eating less will LOWER your metabolism an cause you to lose weight slower. Your body needs something to keep going and if you starve yourself it will go to muscle rather than raw fat and can cause internal organ damage.

Not trying to give you a lecture here, but it does sound like you are getting concerned about your eating habbits. I've had terrible eating habits in the past and am still not perfect in them. My failing digestive heath has forced me to eat better these days.

Stay safe,

WP

[Jinxsta]

Thanks warrior princess, alot of it makes sense actually, I have heard the breakfast thing before but really really can't stomach it, so might get some of them drink things. Thought the camera thing was a falicey.....dont like shop mirrors. And i really don't wanna loose muscle, I would like more muscle so that im good in battle .

XxX

[Warrior Princess]

The camera thing is for sure true. I remember going to the Star Trek convention and seeing Marina Sirtus (Who plays Counsellor Deanna Troi) in person. She was as skinny as a bean pole, straight up and down with no figure whatsoever yet on the TV show she had a curvy appearance with nice rounded hips. There was a question and answer section and I was shocked when someone rudely asked her "in the show do you wear false hips" Her answer was "No, the camera puts on ten pounds." She was living proof of it and I never doubted it again.

I'd love to be good in battle too! I did Karate for a couple of years. That was great excercise and loads of fun as well as a great way to become more self disciplined. I got to second degree green belt. Would love to do it again some day.

WP

[Jinxsta]

...........never being filmed again then! Was black belt judo as a kid, remember very little now though...shame.

Lost 3 pound since saturday... and ive ate soon i'll be a lean mean killing machine!!!

XxX