Here It Comes Again

[catspiracy]

Urgh, as usual, I was doing so well, and then.....

You know the story.

Nothing major, just the hate seeping in, splitting me from the rest of humanity.

I've managed to behave myself pretty well, so I guess I'll take comfort in that. Yesterday, I tried to mother my daughter again and was snubbed again. We havent been fighting for weeks now, so I stuck my neck out and tried to offer her some mothering. She won a Letter and a Star in Academics! (That's like being the most valuable player on the football team, and earning a Letter to put on your Lettermans Jacket, only hers are both in Academics instead of sports.) We are so proud and pleased!!! So I tried to take her out shopping for something nice and new that she could wear to awards, hopefully wear to school as well.

Oh the pouting, sulking, and even crying at the store!!!! Nothing was acceptable to her, especially nothing that I took off the rack. Typical. What was atypical: I didn't fight with her about it. I just didn't buy anything for her and we left.

Silence all the way.

I know I'm not supposed to take her personally, but I get so sick of her calling me names like "unapproachable" when I try soooooo hard!!!!

(I was going to spend the water bill money on her clothing!!!! and risk my modeling check coming late and our water getting shut off, Just so she could have something pretty and cute and new, feel good about herself. God forbid we have a mother daughter bond!!!!!!!!!!

She didnt want to go to the awards ceremony in the first place, kept trying to get out of it, told the T she was only going to please a friend.

I stayed at home, let her go have a nice evening with her daddy. She hates me and only loves him anyway. They had a nice time.

I made a fancy dinner, still trying to mother her. I feel so vulnerable and un loved. The dinner took 2 hours to prepare and I picked fresh herbs from the garden and everything. I told Matt that I was feeling really low and was trying to be ok, but was having a hard time with rage bubbling up. He said he understood and wanted to help, gave me a hug and told me he'd help me take it easy.

When I called people to the table, no one moved.

Time passed.

I asked Matt, is anyone going to eat or what? and he got totally irate at me, and yelled "You're being TOTALLY AGGRO ALL DAY TODAY!!!!!!!!!!"

I hid in my room until dinner was over.

We had an ok night just the two of us. He apologized.

But I am in bpd mode and no apology feels good enough. I am full of hate and anger. I feel victimized and taken for granted. I am piling up all of these emotions and laying them on my daughter, which is so wrong! (it doesnt help that she dressed in skin tight jeans and the tiniest tank top I've ever seen). Like I said, I haven't misbehaved. I havent had a screaming fit, I havent spoken any of the hateful things blackening my mind.

Those are all reserved just for me, for in a bout half an hour, I'll be all alone at last and can hate myself unrestrainedly. Or something.

I dont know what to think or do. I feel stupid because I have a wonderful life and still I can't stop going into splitting mode and hating the people i love! I feel like running away.

I bought myself starbucks instead of stopping at the liquor store and buying a vodka. I havent been strictly sober, drank 3 bottles of wine in the past week and a half. Who am I? Who am I trying to fool??????????

[catspiracy]

I didnt even get started on my son, who I love so hard it hurts. I fear that we've spoilt him. He was a dream baby, the sweetest toddler with no "terrible two's" phase. So now the difficult phase is happening. He is going on 10 and still wets the bed every night. We are trying to teach him to wake up when he has to go, and if that fails, to clean up the sheets himself. That is what the experts have told us to do, just to make him responsible for the clean-up. He has a loft bed, and just kept sleeping in his urine night after night. This made me feel like I am some kind of animal who can't take care of her most beloved baby.

And earlier this week when i picked him up from school, the teacher told me he's refusing to write again and got a zero on the state test. He's being totally non compliant and had to be sent to another class all week. He's lying about homework assignments, too. He lied to Daddy's face about it yesterday and had to have a spanking.

Lately on the news, there have been extremely triggering news reports about child abuse that have made me have waking nightmares. And the spanking noises made me die inside. Last week in T, she told us that spanking is illegal in calif. but offered us no solutions for my son's behavior.

When I read Meme's posts about his mother, I worry about my son. He is getting way too spoiled and his sensitive nature makes us keep on spoiling him because it hurts me too much to come down hard on him. And all the T can tell us is to increase the positive time??? I already coddle him excessively! I need guidance.

Matt is just tuned-out. He took yesterday off and i hate that, I find it really hard to do my work when he's sitting next to me playing goddammed kongregate games and shaking his leg so that it feels like an earthquake.

everyone else's negative energy is making my head explode.

[Sammy]

I find that rewards work better than punishments, however when I've felt I have no choice but to punish, I take away tv, ds, toys etc....and they have to get back in my good books for a few days before they get them back. Also stopping older ones going out to see friends or go to a party. I do find that hard as my daughter feels isolated enough as it is, and so I get wracked with guilt for isolating her more, but she knows why and so if she wants to not be isolated has to respect the rules of the house.

She has said to me herself she knows a girl at school who gets everything she wants and never gets told off for bad behaviour. She said to me she doesn't think this is love because the girl isn't learning right from wrong and people don't like her because of how she acts, and if her parents loved her they would have taught her appropriate behaviour so that people wouldn't hate her. She said she recognises with hindsight that we discipline her because we love her, although at the time it is happening it doesn't feel like it.

(I am often amazed at how insightful she is)

The point I am making is that although I personally disagree with physical punishment, there is a need for discipline and many ways to do it, I've only listed a couple that I use, but I'm sure there are many more. As for your daughter I'd put it down to moody teens and she'll get over it eventually, sounds just like me at that age! lol

Rebellion during teen years is sooooooo common, and arguing for arguments sake, trying to push her own identity forwards, break free for independence, not to mention raging hormones! God help me, not long to go now!

[Sammy]

Oh yes, and the neg atmosphere drives me nuts too and I avoid getting involved at all costs hiding away till it's all over. And Martin hates that I do that, but it's my way of coping.

[successful_workthru]

Are consequences natural punishment?

Does smacking stop the child from learning naturally, every act has consequences?

Should they be taught self discipline, rather than being disciplined?

I'm not a mum, but have an interest in child psychology and childhood emotinal work.

[Roses]

Hugs to you Cat. You are a wonderful person and I am here for you even though I don't really know what to say right now.

A friend of mine had a child who wet the bed persistently and it turned out they had an undiagnosed urine infection.

xxx

[dawneywarney]

My daughter is just the same cat, she drives me mad (madder) sometimes, im told that she will get better and apparently its a hormone thing.

When Lucy (my daughter) plays up I ground her and for her its the absolute worse thing ever, but it gets my point across without arguing, cos she will kick off and i just say "right ya grounded get to your room", but everyone is different.

Im a fine one to talk but i feel u really give yourself a hard time, easy up hun, take a step back, im here for u x

[Sammy]

I think we have to enforce negative consequences for negative actions, for example if your child steals money from your purse and you don't discipline them how will they learn that it is wrong? If you allow a child to act badly, disrespectfully and rude to people without a consequence early on, how wil they learn that their actions are wrong? Better to nip it in the bud early on than allow it to become a habit or trait that is much harder to change later.

[catspiracy]

We have a chart system. on his door is a list of things he must do each day of the week and he gets to draw a star when it's completed, an X if we excuse him from doing it, or a 0 if he doesn't do it, or has to be forced to do it. Every day he gets all stars and x's, he earns allowance. Each 0 is supposed to be 25 sentences saying "I will _____(do the expectation)." He's already lost tv, videogame, and lego privileges for homework problems. He is in a dream world and the only way I can get him to accomplish any task I've given him is to follow him around and point to each thing and call his attention to it multiple times during the task.

When i'm in a good place, great. When I'm busy or in a bad place, it annoys me that he cannot do what he is told and constantly chooses to play with anything in sight. It doesnt have to be a toy, he doesn't actually need an object to zone out. I know it's because he's a genius (no, really, he is, he's off the charts). I try very hard to guide him positively, that's why I say i err on the side of coddling.

i want him to grow up not a mama's boy and once again we come back to my husband. who needs to be a man around here, not set the same example of zoning out, leaving a trail of mislaid items behind him, ignoring everyone around him and self-gratifying.

my daughter and I are doing ok on our truce. It's me that's struggling not to place my frustration with my husband at her feet, too. And I realize that the shopping drama is normal....my reaction of taking it personally is my fucking problem. It's a problem that seems to exist outside of my self, now. That's an improvement. My ill-will towards my daughter is like a pustule. And I pick at it like I pick at my face....trying to pry it out at all costs.

god i feel like a cauldron of malevolence! like a pressure cooker!

[Sammy]

I don't agree with shouting at my children and rather prefer to talk to them if there is a problem, even if I need to insitl some form of punishment, everytime Martin shouts at them, I feel so angry with him for ruining my plan of how to deal with the children. I feel shouting at them will lower their confidence and self esteem and so I seethe when he does it. It also doesn't matter how many times I tell him there's no need to shout, he still continues to do it. I also think this sets a bad example to them of how to deal with problems. So although he doesn't do the same thing your husband does, I can understand the frustration you feel.

[catspiracy]

Are consequences natural punishment?

Does smacking stop the child from learning naturally, every act has consequences?

Should they be taught self discipline, rather than being disciplined?

I'm not a mum, but have an interest in child psychology and childhood emotinal work.

I ask myself those questions every day, success.

I answer the smacking one this way: When words fail, it is human nature to take up arms. This truth can be witnessed globally at any phase of history. If you lie, cheat, steal, or harm, you are provoking violence because you have cut off diplomacy. The swats are administered formally, clothed, over a bent knee, and arent very hard. Personally, I've lost my stomach for them. I get too triggered about my own belt welts of yesteryear.

Just the other day in the car, the news was on and Ivan asked, "why do people start wars?" and I told him it was because words stopped working and people resorted to lying, cheating, or harming one another. There have also been fights at his school recently, and we've talked about them in the same terms. He and I communicate really well.

"use your words" has always been Mama's Law in this house. Being able to trust the words coming out of his mouth is imperative. We make a big deal about giving lesser consequences to the kids when they are forthright. Sometimes consequences are dropped entirely when the child tells a difficult truth.

He lies to his father. I think Matt needs to step up. I can't make him. I am so frustrated with him!!!

[Sammy]

I'm the same in my house about honesty. I have always emphasises that punishment would be less if truth is told, and I stick by that too, even if I do feel it necessary to punish the original behaviour, it will be less than it would if they lied, but also I will give them praise for owning up and telling the truth.

[catspiracy]

Dear Sammy, thanks so much for your help with this. I try to discuss things with them, too. With my son, it is perfect and wonderful of chats, but then he goes back to doing what for him is normal. The T tells us he is being developmentally normal with daydreaming. So I have to just take deep breaths and give him the supervision he needs.

My daughter, I can't talk to. I have to do what Dawney says and just give a rule, then ignore the drama that follows. I have to wall myself off from her and meditate hard not to take her personally. she is a scorpio and pulls no punches.

my husband. i don't know what to do with him. I feel very distant from him. His depression is really draining me to the core. He has started exercising at last, but continues to be depressed. He worries about money all the time. He is committed to home-brewing 40 gallons of beer to bring to a festival in June, and doesn't have some of the equipment he needs, so he is freaking out.

I need to be a better wife to him. I haven't been doing anything. I am self-centered and I"M THE SPOILED ONE!

[catspiracy]

Hugs to you Cat. You are a wonderful person and I am here for you even though I don't really know what to say right now.

A friend of mine had a child who wet the bed persistently and it turned out they had an undiagnosed urine infection.

xxx

Hi Roses!

Thanks for your support. <3 i appreciate it.

You're right...my kids are overdue for physicals because we have no medical insurance. I should check it out though. I feel like a terrible neglectful mother because I am poor. My son has dental problems too. His baby teeth aren't falling out and that means his body is absorbing the other ones which can lead to blood poisoning. or so my dental hygienist friend tells me.

I can't sleep at night worrying about my kids.

[Roses]

I used star charts and that when mine were younger and they worked really well for us. But as they got older I found the star charts were very black and white (which is good when they are young) but I didn't really want to carry that on as they got older. I always explain to them that it is not about being good or bad, it is about respecting other people and if they can't respect us why should we respect them? This seems to work for us anyway. We don't shout and we don't use corporal punishment or intimidation on our children.

[catspiracy]

My daughter is just the same cat, she drives me mad (madder) sometimes, im told that she will get better and apparently its a hormone thing.

When Lucy (my daughter) plays up I ground her and for her its the absolute worse thing ever, but it gets my point across without arguing, cos she will kick off and i just say "right ya grounded get to your room", but everyone is different.

Im a fine one to talk but i feel u really give yourself a hard time, easy up hun, take a step back, im here for u x

I don't know what to do...I just keep on keeping on. thanks darlin.

[Roses]

Sorry Cat you posted as I did! xxx

[catspiracy]

I want to do something different but I don't know what it is.

and I want my man to be a part of it because i think he's setting a bad example.

[Roses]

Perhaps research some new techniques on the web? If you want to sound off ideas here first then I'm all ears then maybe you could take these ideas to your fella and have an honest chat about how you see the future. Sometime when it is just you and him and you can really focus on each other.

[Sammy]

lol, you're not spoiled! The things you are feeling are normal human reactions to a given situation. Anyone would find it tough what you are going through and might distance themselves, to regain some sanity! It's so easy for others to drag us down when they are low, and we have to protect ourselves from that! What good would it do for both of you to feel that way? That doesn't mean you can't be sympathetic of him or when you are able try to help him, just that you need to put yourself first and take care of your own needs. If you can't do that then you will be no use to anyone.

As much as you love him, your children come first, and if you are thrown off your own stability by husband how will you cope with them?

I think it's wonderful you can talk to your son, my daughter has also been called 'dreamy' by a couple of her teachers. She always has her head in a book, can't go anywhere without one, not even when we go shopping! When we pick her up from school she's walking up the street reading not looking where she's going! We often have to wave hands in front of her face to get her attention because she's away with the fairies. We too have been told this is pretty normal at her age. Might be frustrating when you're trying to get their attention but overall it's not a bad thing.

My middle child is a scorpio too, but so far problem free....do I have this to look forwards to? lol

I find I also have to tell them 10 times before they actually do as they are told, but for me, personally, I'm no longer bothered by it, more raised eyebrows and here we go again! lol

I have found having family time to be working at improving their overall behaviour. We play board games one day and watch a movie another day. We make sure during this time (not during the movie or game) that we communicate with them, even if it's just telling jokes, tickling them or such. This quality time together as a family has really seemed to improve things, because they know we don't do it till rooms are tidy etc...so they have motivation to do it.

Also, as stealing is a particular problem for my eldest, if she goes all week without stealing she gets a magazine of her choice at the end of the week as a reward.

Every day I make the effort to ask how school was that day, what lessons did they have, what did they enjoy the most that day and what did they eat for dinner. Just a short conversation but lets them know I am interested in them and their day.

Once a week I will also make the effort (normally end of the week) to ask if either of them had any problems this week or anything they need to talk about. This is because I've found, in particular with my eldest, she doesn't tell me about the bad stuff unless I ask. All the stuff I've said about her being isolated at school, detentions, being lied about, and feeling picked on by her teacher at school, I found out through her friends mum, and so this prompted me to show more interest and ask more specific questions each week.

I have found this very useful as now both children will talk about things they are finding difficult, whether it be to do with school work, social life or teachers etc...

As for hubby maybe it's time for a heart to heart, together with forming some kind of action plan together? Maybe make some compromises, and ensure the plan is not unreasonable and achievable. You know how hard it is to be motivated when things are difficult! Remember baby steps, maybe encourage your husband with some of those baby step ideas too and take one day at a time. Also I like what Roses often says about confronting people about problems, use I feel statements rather than accusations.

[Sammy]

My daughter also used to wet the bed till she was much older, but she got diagnosed with urine infection and after further investigation a duplex kidney with refluxing ureter which needed operating on. I felt so guilty then for having followed advice to make her change her own bedding etc...and still take her to school when she said she felt unwell, because doctors had told me she was making it up to get out of going to school etc...

Are there no free medical centers that could take a look at the children?

[catspiracy]

Thank you sammy for that post, you gave me some food for thought.

Talking this through is making me see that I have some very unreasonable expectations that come from my own childhood. I certainly don't want to do what they did to me! I feel so lucky that I have this forum to work this out instead of freaking out and going off like I used to.

I really want to increase family time. I am so sick of cajoling my husband to participate! At this moment, it's my duty to praise him up the wazoo for starting exercising. I have to cut him some slack in the other areas.

I am fighting the strong urge to isolate from my family. I feel too vulnerable. I feel like I don't have anything left to give them at this moment. I'm also premenstrual and that never helps. I'm late, and really bloated and uncomfortable. I'm prickly and bitchy. They are better off doing their own thing for a bit while I chill in the "menstrual hut" like the ancient native americans used to.

I am going to call the ghetto clinic because I think we do have medi-cal now. They are not very high quality care, so I hope they bother to test him accurately. Egads, surgery?????? the thought makes me want to s/h, i don't know why, a wave of terror and nausea sweeps over me. I feel the same way whenever I think about his teeth.

i am too irresponsible to be a mother.

[Sammy]

Hey calm down! He might just have a simple urinary infection! My daughter was like worst case scenario! Put on those brakes fast! Just make sure you take in a urine sample, one little test strip in his wee wee's will tell if he has an infection so no reason for them not to do it!

I feel like isolating all the time! Family life is so freaking hard, I'm not a social person! lol can I come join you in your hut? We can spend days bitching at each other. Had an implant put in and been on a permanent period now for 12 weeks! Yes I know OMG! somebody stop me! lol actually think I'm coping pretty well considering! I think I'll end up all alone in that hut! lmao!

[catspiracy]

oh I'm sorry, i'm not going to do anything

just a mental freak out

sorry i said that

[Roses]

You are not irresponsible. From what you say on here you are a wonderful, caring person. The fact that you are asking for advice proves that you care immensely about your family and their welfare.

I was a middle child and I am a Scorpio. I was the dreamer, head always stuck in a book and locked away in my room. Partly it is just my character and I have to accept that. I am misunderstood, a tortured artist by nature before all the rest of life happened. xxx