Here It Comes Again

[catspiracy]

i do feel too irresponsible to be a mother though. The self loathing rolls over me like a wave.

I think about my own mom. she was a SuperMom, remember those from the seventies? She's always positive and is a work aholic. I am a slacker.

[catspiracy]

I hate that I misunderstand my daughter.

I want so much to do better! I want to be better!

That's why it's so frustrating to keep on being me, no matter how hard I work. And now I'm doing the whining thing. I am embarrassed!

This is the way I get and have to hide from people so that they won't know how stupid I am. Because I know I am working myself up about nothing. And I know it will go away after a few days. So as long as these dark light times leave no lasting mark, I can maintain the appearance of being ok.

people think they like me. they don't know how ugly i can be inside!

[Sammy]

I think you are wayyyyyy to hard on yourself, you keep talking about my responsibility to do this and my duty to do that. By who's book are we going by here?

You only have a responsibility to do the best you can! There is no such thing as a perfect mother, only a good enough mother. (learnt that in parenting classes) If you are doing your best it is good enough.

And all those wonderful things I've talked about that I do, I only implemented them a couple of weeks ago, and I'm sure I'll have times in the future that I'll relapse and won't be able to keep it up, but that's life.

I do as much as I can when I can. I still go and take afternoon naps, I still sit on here for hours, neglecting Martin and kids, but I try to make up for that when I feel able. I try to be mindful of when I'm not spending enough time with them and make an effort to go do something with them, or sit together for an hour before returning, just little things to let him/them know I'm still with them in mind and soul.

[gingernut]

I think the fact that you are thinking about your mother daughter relationship, caring about how she and he develops, trying to establish a bond and feeling like you could do better are a signs of a good mum. Just the simple act of reflection is a good sign to me. Some mums wouldnt care that their child was nicking cars at 5 years old etc.

Maybe you are being too hard on yourself here, stop idolising your mother maybe and reflect back on some of the mistakes she made with you to realise she was not perfect.

Sorry I have no kids so my thoughts are normally useless.

Ginger

[Roses]

It is the hardest thing in the world this raising kids thing. We can only try. I would feel good if the only thing my kids felt was bad about their childhood was the fact that they didn't go abroad for their holidays or have the latest computer games. xxx

[catspiracy]

I feel paranoid about being a good enough mother. I feel that I am going to destroy them no matter what I do because i am poisonous.

That's the bottom, at heart belief that makes me miserable.

and it's wrong, i know this but i don't feel it quite yet. I'm getting closer. putting it in words makes it more manageable. Thank you for your time with me. <3

When alisha was younger she used to falsely accuse me of abuse. Whenever I would bathe her, she would scream that I was burning her until the police were called. Cps came out many, many times. I have been under constant scrutiny since becoming her mother and it's made me paranoid. I used to consider myself an esteemed professional with expertise in troubled youth. This experience with Alisha I feel has been traumatic to me. I know that I resent her for it, and that is wrong. I don't know what to do with my feelings about it.

[Sammy]

If your mum was a 'perfect' mother you would be 100% happy and emotionally stable now, full of confidence, fantastic self esteem, and no sense of inadequacy about yourself, so somewhere along the lines she has made some mistakes. The fact is noone can be perfect!

[Sammy]

I've never 'fitted in' wherever I have lived. I isolate myself and I've always lived in bad estates. People have regularly reported me to social services for things I've not done. I've had repeated visits over the years and had to prove myself so many times. It did make me feel very self consious and insecure about my parenting skills and it is only now that my childrens outward appearance of being calm, well behaved and stable children doing well at school makes me think that maybe I am actually a good enough mum.

I worry endlessly they will end up unstable as adults due to my own instability, but I know that will not be my fault as I do the best I can with the skills I have.

I really hope you will arrive at this stage of acceptance soon.

[Roses]

It sounds very much like Alisha is shaping your life when it should be the other way round. Will her Dad not support you more?

[Roses]

I just realised how blunt that was, I'm so sorry if I offended you xxx

[Sammy]

Actually roses it reminds me of how I used to feel with Tiegan. I felt I made so many mistakes when she was younger so for that I used to overcompensate, trying to gain her forgiveness and approval, which of course she was too young to have any kind of understanding about and probably thought there was nothing to forgive in the first place. My guilt was projected onto her and so I allowed her to rule my life, affected by every temper tantrum she has as if it were a rejection of me, to which I would feel angry, but couldn't discipline due to guilt, which then followed with more frustration, anger and guilt. I really believed any bad behaviour was her getting her own back on me and trying to manipulate me and a sign she didn't love me.

It got so bad I found it hard to even look at her as she reflected my own self image of inadequacy and failure.

Really not a great cycle to be on!

[catspiracy]

Thank you Sammy. It is so good to talk to someone who understands. I really appreciate where you are coming from. I hope to get back there, too. I get there in mask form, but my underlying belief has not let go yet. So I guess I am faking it till i feel it. I've never been so honest about it before. this is really helping me.

I feel jumpy about it, that's why i say paranoid. I feel twitchy and anxious. My father used to fancy himself a self-styled lawyer and would interrogate me for hours in the middle of the night until my head was so twisted around I didn't know what was going on. I would come to believe I had done all kinds of terrible things. And be forced to sign confessions and contracts that would appear magneted to the fridge in the morning.

i have a guilty conscience from this.

And unlike Roses, I have yelled at and spanked my kids. That feels awful. I can add hypocrite and abusive to my list when I want to hate myself.

What's the use of hating myself? Is it true that I must be punished? that only severe pain can cleanse me of my guilt? it can't be true, because the guilt goes on and on and on

i think i need to go to a party again and dance under the stars. it can't come too soon!

[Sammy]

Look, think of it this way.....Speak to any parent who considers themselves 'normal' and you will find they too have difficulties with children and how to parent them. There are no written down guidelines on how to be a good parent, and the books you can get about parenting can contradict each other. It is confusing at the best of times. Now add a personality disorder or mental health problem into the mix with just one parent let alone two and that confusion is multiplied. Really you should be giving yourself a pat on the back for what you have done and achieved with your children!

[catspiracy]

Roses, you said it right. I am not offended at all! I really appreciate your honesty, it shows that you respect me and I appreciate that more than anything.

I am trying to become impervious but not damagingly cold to her. that has been my goal and maybe that's the problem. I've given up on actually having a nice time with her, because she is so negative towards me I can't stand the energy between us! My skin literally crawls. My friend Vicci is kind of a wild wise woman, and she hollers "Damn the Devil!" when it comes to Alisha. Her energy is very dark and contorted and affects me way too much.

She was specifically designed to challenge me and test me to grow! Holy shit, Sammy, you pegged it exactly. I feel like I failed a lot of the tests early on and hurt her and made her worse, and the guilt drives me mad!

[Sammy]

And I bet like my children that although they can be frustrating at times and disobedient, I bet they are great kids overall, that are polite when in public and not out nicking cars or being a nuisance in the neighbourhood or dispruptive. And if you put things in perspective that is what is important here, because that shows how they will be as adults, that they have some inner set of ethics and morals that are applaudable, that you instilled in them.

[catspiracy]

You're so right, and most of the time, like I said, I can get myself there. But at times like these, I feel like I can see the dirty truth. That at those positive times, I am sweeping things under the rug and avoiding responsibility.

I hate that I am perpetuating the cycle of punishment on the next generation! This need for punishment is such a waste of time when looking ahead to doing better each day is what I should be doing

[Sammy]

I honestly think if you can work out a plan with your husband on say having a family day once a week, where you play games together (and he has to join in!) and then have some conversation afterwards therfore making both of you approachable, that you'll get some great results and start to feel better about yourself too.

I really think the lack of involvment and support from your hubbie is escalating family issues as well as your own feelings of inadequacy because you feel all the responsibility is on you, and it's just too much. Might start to bring him out of his cave a bit too. Probably be good for all of you.

You might have to initiate it, but if you talk to him about your plan first, set a day and time so it's routine, and explain to him that you don't want to have to nag him to join in, that it's important to you that at that time he stops what he's doing and comes and joins in without having to be nagged. So yes, you might shout up the stairs, family time everyone, and that should be enough to get his butt into gear.

Of course there will be exceptions to the rule, nothing can be set in stone. You might have an engagement to do something else, or have swine flu lol so the night may need postponing under such circumstances.

[Sammy]

Even if it's hard, and one of you lacks the motivation, if you could see it like taking your pills, that it's beneficial in the long run, it might make it a bit easier to push yourself to do it anyway. I often am not in the mood, but once we're doing it I soon start having fun and laughing and enjoying it, so that I don't want to stop!

[at_war_against_me]

I'd have to agree with . Rewards usually work better than punishment but the reward has to be significant for the person receiving it in order to make the behavior reappear more often. Also, sometimes you have to use a plan so that the person changes from a systematic reinforcement to less frequent one and finally change the reinforcer over the course of time only to praise for good behavior with words at the end. Ask yourself what would be an effective reinforcer for each of your child and remember that contingency is important. The learner has to make the connexion between his actions or inactions and the reinforcer or punishment. Think of your children as pets if necessary because that's what conditioning is all bout, making animals learn! Your dog has the same learning mechanism. I'm sorry if I offended you that was not my intention, I do believe we are animals no different than others living creatures on this earth. I love children very much mostly because of their innocence and how they see the world around us. I also believe in in punishment but because I can't really control appropriately what force I should use on a child and I would never hit one except the occasional spanking. Another strategy with a negative punishment would be to take away privileges or something and is the 2nd most effective way to teach or modify a behavior. I would avoid using negative reinforcement but I'm sure someone could find a clever way to use it. Also, I don't think everyone will be affected from screaming the same way. All that I can is screaming doesn't show you're really in control it shows you want to take control and a reaction of escalation with follow. Be assertive and consistent that is more reassuring, constructive and will benefit the child. Raising children is not always an easy task but I'm sure you love your children truly and that you want their best. As long as you're doing your best how can you blame yourself so much? I know it's hard not to think in black in white sometimes. Most of the times I'm being rational but when something triggers me, it's almost all gone as it never existed. Ask yourself if what you believe is reality. If it is, are you sure it is? Avoid using words such as always, never, nobody, everybody, etc. All those words are poisonous for people like us because they're irrational most of the time we use them and they encourage splitting. Don't you agree that sometimes, often, most of the time, frequently, rarely, some, etc. would describe the situation better? A light should come on in your head every time you hear statements such as : Nobody loves me or I'm always mad . Is it true? If so, what's the evidence behind that statement? Also, people like us are sensitive right? So don't be afraid to clarify when someone uses those words. It's up to you but that helped me A LOT with splitting. You're a great person and you deserve a great life. Also, if your son is acting out it's time to know why he's doing this there are lots of possibilities as to why he's acting like this. Don't you think it's way to get attention? Negative attention is still attention but I could be wrong... Be strong you have a family and it's probably the best thing you'll ever have in life. Too much stress is our worst enemy because we're having trouble coping in these situations. You drink and I smoke weed that's a way we have of coping with stress and negative emotions. I'm not saying it's wrong to get drunk and high but I think people like us should avoid using as a coping mechanism. I appreciate your honesty about drinking even if denial is a strong animal. Don't blame yourself concentrate on what you did right. Set realistic goals and imagine what you could do next time instead of falling into your old habits. I believe in you and know you can achieve what you want. Don't give up and keep your head up you're trying really hard and I know you will prevail!

[catspiracy]

It's true, family time is much needed and the kids HAVE used their words to ask for it, to no avail.

I start losing trust in Matt because he doesn't follow through on agreements. I get tired of it, then the kids get affected, then there's some kind of drama where someone gets him motivated by acting crazy.

Matt zoning out is kind of crazy-making.

I'm tired of nagging him, and I'm exhausted of constantly putting on the cheerleader act. And I'm also really in an art groove and don't want to be bothered.

i have to, as radio psychologist Nita Vallens says, "put my big-girl panties on". Too bad if I don't feel like it, I just have to do it.

thanks for being patient listening to my whine. and yes, I do want some cheeze with that!

i am also feeling lame like this thread is one big attention seeking antic.

[Sammy]

Don't feel like that! I'm really enjoying talking to you!

My kids also asked for the family time - directly before I put it in action.

At the time, I said..well you know I'm not well so how would you feel if dad played but I make sure I'm in the room and just watch? They said that was fine, but then I couldn't resist joining in!

The thing is they need both of you! You cannot do this all alone. My daughter said to me about watching movies together, but that it had to be something we could all watch because I normally leave the room when it's little kiddies cartoons as I just can't handle them they send me crazy! So it proved to me that she doesnt' just want daddy there she wants mummy too!

The same can be said of hubby in your case. Yes spending time with you would be great, but they will want him involved too, as is proven by as you say their antics to get him involved.

[catspiracy]

well talking with you here has boosted me and I feel like keeping on trying : ) thanks so much

[Sammy]

You are more than welcome, and I would be honored to talk to you anytime.

[Roses]

Sorry I not been here I been having family time too! Playing cards with my son who is going to see the Queen open our local sports village tomorrow. Wow! Big day for him... Playing bubbles in the bath with Alora. Put them between your hands and hold them up then clap - it's snowing!

I'm glad I've not upset you Cat. Just so you know I'm no angel I have smacked Aran about 3/4 times out of pure frustration and I think anyone who says they've never wanted to do that from time to time is a liar. We are only human and they do drive us insane sometimes! I love them so much but that is the truth of it.

I'm glad you've had the boost you needed. Lots of love to you and your family. xxx

[Rael]

sorry have only just seen this but tbh i prob would be much help anyway, struggling to think and dont have kids so really cant imagine how difficult it must be to deal with this and feel this way.

one thing though,the fact that you do think and worry about this shows you are a really good mum. you care enough to worry whether you are doing the right thing, and you are trying so hard to find a way to make things work. its so obvious you love them and want the best for them. i really hope things get easier for you and that you find a way to work things out.

am glad you feel like keeping on trying

xxx