Here It Comes Again

[catspiracy]

Thanks Rael.

I behaved myself very much today. I worked on my sewing all day and also did my exercising. I was nice to the kids and didnt pick any fights or yell or be too cranky at them. And I tried to follow Ivan around to help him stay on task. Matt is still at work and I want to go buy some vods sooo bad! but i wont. I am waiting for them to go to bed so that I can get nice and stoned and hopefully sew some more i guess. I just keep crying for no reason and the s/h images keep rolling in front of my mental theatre like an annoying tv commercial.

Why, why, why?

[Roses]

Intrusive thoughts are a bitch to live with. Have you ever had therapy for them or been taught any exercises to help with them? xxx

[Elke]

Cat, cant say much today to help much. Just wanted to post here myself and read yours, full up myself - but one thing struck me and just want to say what I can to help? today is: you write: "I get so sick of her calling me names like "unapproachable" when I try soooooo hard!!!!" My son also called me unapproachable. There´s a difference between when we as mothers try to approach - and when our children try to approach us. Evidently she feels probably the same as my son - he wasnt able to "reach" me. Could be a bit of food for thought. (Oh Christ. As if we dont do enough thinking anyway.....)

[Magpie]

Hi there,

I am sorry to hear that you are having such an up and downy time. I suppose the same can be said for all of us. I for one, can relate to many things you've said.

However, I believe the purpose of this site is to be constructive and one thing did strike me when I read your post...

It sounds to me, as though your daughter has inherited some of your BP charactistics. I myself, grew up with an unpredictable, volite and agressive mother. Over time, I have inherited several of her BP traits, but the difference between the two of us, is that I sought help and am able to recgonise my flaws and can (sometimes!) correct my behaviour... or at least manage it a lot better.

It is important for a mother to realise that her behaviour is hugely influencial. Sometimes it is important to take a step back and remember that other people feel pain too. You are not always the one to feel lost, angry, aggravated, hurt, alone...

It could well be that your daughter finds it difficult to accect your fluctuating behaviour ( remember I am only speculating and speaking from my own experience. No two cases and I am not judging your parenting. BP parents can often be very attentive, sensitive etc...) But what I am saying is....it is difficult for a young girl to juggle and manage the actions of her Mum. I became obsessed with attempting to predict behaviour, constantly on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't understand the inconsistency...gushing love, followed by unfathomable hate. Words lost all meaning...what was sincere and wholesome one minute was disgusting and wrong the next. I couldn't keep up. so I withdrew from her and the rest of the world. I stopped chatting and I couldn't bear her touching me. Her fingers felt like the plague because I knew that with the good, came to evil. I didn't trust her. How could your trust something so inconsistent?

Your daughter sounds like a high achiever. They are probably the ones most likely to develop eating disorders, addictive behaviours in general etc etc. Maybe she can't accept your praises and compliments for her achievements because she has learnt about how fickle words and actions can really be. She might not want your praise because she is resentful for getting there and doing it on her own, with so much emotional backlog waiting in the wings.

Even though it can be increadibly difficult for a mother...you need to step back and not take instant offense at your daughters withdrawal. Remember, it is not always about you. She doesn't have to be responsive to you all the time (so long as she isn't down right rude for no reason at all!!) it is not her role in life to fill your emotional hole. she doesn't have to prove anything, be something, or produce anything for you. And don't mean that in a cruel way...of course you gave her life and brought her into this world....but she's her own person. She probably got a lot going on in her world and in her own mind that you have no idea about. The more you push her to respond to you, the more she will withdraw. She will come to hate your pushing. She will feel under attack and vulnerable. Your post struck me as a little self righteous, presuming that she will interact and respond to you ....and voicing real distain and self pity when she does not fit a certain box. (please bear in mind...most of us on this site are a bizarre mix...this isn't a personal attack. many of us have : pride, narciassim and self righteousness...coupled with crippling insecurities and vulnerability. Such is the bewildering reality of our condition)

Your daughter needs to be be stable and strong for her. She needs to feel like she can trust you, go to you in a crisis, confide in you. Your grand gestures of love are fickle in her eyes...and the offense you took when she didn't reciprocate your love merely clarifies further in her mind that cannot meet her needs.

You have had a life time of pain. Don't allow it to trickle through to your daughter. It sounds like you are trying hard, but try HARDER. I will never forget the pain my mother caused me and although that is probably the saving grace which enables me to understand and manage my condition better....it is by no means perfect. I would rather not have any BP traits at all! obviously! I find it difficult to manage the resentment I have for my Mum. And she seems to get worse with age. I am being pushed so far away by her appauling behaviour, that one day I don't know if I will ever go back home again. The day might come when our relationship is over for good.

Don't let this happen to you. I know it sounds daft, but leave yoiur daughter alone. ALWAYS apologise for any bad behaviour on your part and explain to her (if you haven't already) exactly what BP is. If she understands you and your pain, will will learn to accept and love all of you...all the little inconsistencnies. Together you can come up with techniques to manage situations. Agree on how to end conversations when one feels that it might be spiralling out of control. Learn from your mistakes, build on it together.

You must be able to recognise when your behaviour is out of line. And your daughter needs to understand that it is never her fault. Don't blame her for your own emotional chaos. Come up with an action plan. Support each other and learn from each other. It is far more damaging for a child not to understand at all, than be exposed to the truth and build on the foundations of a cracked relationship.

Please don't be offended by this. It is intended to help you and your daughter. Honesty is always the best policy and I felt compelled to write when I saw your post.

All the best, take care. Magpie

[Magpie]

Hi there,

I am sorry to hear that you are having such an up and downy time. I suppose the same can be said for all of us. I for one, can relate to many things you've said.

However, I believe the purpose of this site is to be constructive and one thing did strike me when I read your post...

It sounds to me, as though your daughter has inherited some of your BP charactistics. I myself, grew up with an unpredictable, volite and agressive mother. Over time, I have inherited several of her BP traits, but the difference between the two of us, is that I sought help and am able to recgonise my flaws and can (sometimes!) correct my behaviour... or at least manage it a lot better.

It is important for a mother to realise that her behaviour is hugely influencial. Sometimes it is important to take a step back and remember that other people feel pain too. You are not always the one to feel lost, angry, aggravated, hurt, alone...

It could well be that your daughter finds it difficult to accect your fluctuating behaviour ( remember I am only speculating and speaking from my own experience. No two cases and I am not judging your parenting. BP parents can often be very attentive, sensitive etc...) But what I am saying is....it is difficult for a young girl to juggle and manage the actions of her Mum. I became obsessed with attempting to predict behaviour, constantly on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't understand the inconsistency...gushing love, followed by unfathomable hate. Words lost all meaning...what was sincere and wholesome one minute was disgusting and wrong the next. I couldn't keep up. so I withdrew from her and the rest of the world. I stopped chatting and I couldn't bear her touching me. Her fingers felt like the plague because I knew that with the good, came to evil. I didn't trust her. How could your trust something so inconsistent?

Your daughter sounds like a high achiever. They are probably the ones most likely to develop eating disorders, addictive behaviours in general etc etc. Maybe she can't accept your praises and compliments for her achievements because she has learnt about how fickle words and actions can really be. She might not want your praise because she is resentful for getting there and doing it on her own, with so much emotional backlog waiting in the wings.

Even though it can be increadibly difficult for a mother...you need to step back and not take instant offense at your daughters withdrawal. Remember, it is not always about you. She doesn't have to be responsive to you all the time (so long as she isn't down right rude for no reason at all!!) it is not her role in life to fill your emotional hole. she doesn't have to prove anything, be something, or produce anything for you. And don't mean that in a cruel way...of course you gave her life and brought her into this world....but she's her own person. She probably got a lot going on in her world and in her own mind that you have no idea about. The more you push her to respond to you, the more she will withdraw. She will come to hate your pushing. She will feel under attack and vulnerable. Your post struck me as a little self righteous, presuming that she will interact and respond to you ....and voicing real distain and self pity when she does not fit a certain box. (please bear in mind...most of us on this site are a bizarre mix...this isn't a personal attack. many of us have : pride, narciassim and self righteousness...coupled with crippling insecurities and vulnerability. Such is the bewildering reality of our condition)

Your daughter needs to be be stable and strong for her. She needs to feel like she can trust you, go to you in a crisis, confide in you. Your grand gestures of love are fickle in her eyes...and the offense you took when she didn't reciprocate your love merely clarifies further in her mind that cannot meet her needs.

You have had a life time of pain. Don't allow it to trickle through to your daughter. It sounds like you are trying hard, but try HARDER. I will never forget the pain my mother caused me and although that is probably the saving grace which enables me to understand and manage my condition better....it is by no means perfect. I would rather not have any BP traits at all! obviously! I find it difficult to manage the resentment I have for my Mum. And she seems to get worse with age. I am being pushed so far away by her appauling behaviour, that one day I don't know if I will ever go back home again. The day might come when our relationship is over for good.

Don't let this happen to you. I know it sounds daft, but leave yoiur daughter alone. ALWAYS apologise for any bad behaviour on your part and explain to her (if you haven't already) exactly what BP is. If she understands you and your pain, will will learn to accept and love all of you...all the little inconsistencnies. Together you can come up with techniques to manage situations. Agree on how to end conversations when one feels that it might be spiralling out of control. Learn from your mistakes, build on it together.

You must be able to recognise when your behaviour is out of line. And your daughter needs to understand that it is never her fault. Don't blame her for your own emotional chaos. Come up with an action plan. Support each other and learn from each other. It is far more damaging for a child not to understand at all, than be exposed to the truth and build on the foundations of a cracked relationship.

Please don't be offended by this. It is intended to help you and your daughter. Honesty is always the best policy and I felt compelled to write when I saw your post.

All the best, take care. Magpie

[catspiracy]

Cat, cant say much today to help much. Just wanted to post here myself and read yours, full up myself - but one thing struck me and just want to say what I can to help? today is: you write: "I get so sick of her calling me names like "unapproachable" when I try soooooo hard!!!!" My son also called me unapproachable. There´s a difference between when we as mothers try to approach - and when our children try to approach us. Evidently she feels probably the same as my son - he wasnt able to "reach" me. Could be a bit of food for thought. (Oh Christ. As if we dont do enough thinking anyway.....)

So right on, Elke. Thanks for taking time, I know things arent easy for you either. I am trying to put an end to behaviors of mine that will lead to a lifetime of regret, because she's only going to be a child for a limited time! And she is so true, I am very unapproachable for her. I have all kinds of walls built up to protect me from, as Sammy so eloquently put it, seeing my own inadequacy mirrored back to me thru her eyes. She is like an alien to me. Everything except her bpd-ishness is alien to me. And I feel equally responsible for the bpd-ness in her as I hold her bio-hazard accountable.

but ya know what? I'm a HELL of a lot more approachable than that defunct hag. That's the catch-22 for us. I am better than what she was dealt. She is harder to bear than the child I naturally bore. Everything feels artificial. Everything IS artificial!

How can I ever let her in when she has hurt me so much? How can I respect myself when a little kid can fucking traumatize me more than I was traumatized AS a kid?

right now, I have given in and am drinking in the morning, alone. oh well. I can only bear so much. the intrusive thoughts (no, ive never had structured help for them, never knew to ask, isnt that funny? ) are driving me round the bend.

It's 10 am and I have already given up on myself for the day.

That is true and it is not true. I am the hanged man today.

[Sammy]

Cat, when I first had my daughter for years I felt that way, was unable to even hug her. The thing is it takes practice. I had to start spending that quality time with her, even if it was just half an hour once a week curled up on sofa together watching a program we both likes. Yes it felt so unnatural, uncomfortable. Eventually though, as it became habit, and I adjusted to it, it became easier, more comfortable and more natural.

I know it is really hard right now, but slowly if you put that effort in it will start to become more natural. Even if at first it feels like pretending, keep going, don't give up.

Although it's ok to self analyse and improve your faults, I made a point somewhere else yesterday that over analysis is just as bad as under analysis, because you can find yourself beating yourself up constantly, dragging yourself down and feeling like a failure if you over analyse. You need to find a balance, and when you find yourself being dragged down by your thoughts, try to switch them off, divert your attention to something else, distract yourself. Do something nice for yourself, something that relaxes you or makes you feel happy or proud. Then return to the analysis when you feel calmer and better able to deal with it.

[catspiracy]

Hi there Magpie!

It really touches me that you wrote to me such a long and detailed response out of the blue like this, that is very special and important to me and I thank you!

You really packed a lot into it, and so I hope it wont bother you if I deconstruct and respond within the quotation. If I can master it, I will try to type in a diff. color.....

Hi there,

I am sorry to hear that you are having such an up and downy time. I suppose the same can be said for all of us. I for one, can relate to many things you've said. Thanks so much for reaching out to me!

However, I believe the purpose of this site is to be constructive and one thing did strike me when I read your post...

It sounds to me, as though your daughter has inherited some of your BP charactistics. She is my stepdaughter and was abused horribly by her bio-hazard (biomom) until I assumed responsibility for her upon dating her dad for three mo. I was a teacher of Severely Emotionally Disturbed adolescents for about 8 years before I took this on, but it didn't prepare me for the battles that lay ahead. She "inherits" my characteristics only in the sense of Nurture, not Nature. Point still taken, tho, in fact it's a powerful argument for the Nurture faction....except for the confounding factor of her being flipping effed up beyond all recollection when I first met her!I myself, grew up with an unpredictable, volite and agressive mother. Over time, I have inherited several of her BP traits, but the difference between the two of us, is that I sought help and am able to recgonise my flaws and can (sometimes!) correct my behaviour... or at least manage it a lot better. Yep, I'm my father's daughter, bipolar and personality disordered...but I act very differently from him, i like to think or is it denial???? this is what makes me want to s/h

It is important for a mother to realise that her behaviour is hugely influencial. I obsess on this fact to the point of destroying myself! as Roses pointed out, I let her shape me instead of vice versa, as Sammy said, because all i can see in her eyes is my own inadequacy!Sometimes it is important to take a step back and remember that other people feel pain too. You are not always the one to feel lost, angry, aggravated, hurt, alone...I cant stop comparing her situation to my own and finding it vastly improved! My father abused me continuously thru age 18, and as an extended family member he abused me whenever he could until his death five years ago. Then he haunted me. I think her mother is now dead, she sometimes comes and makes astral visitations...my "winning the trauma sweepstakes" is sick and wrong. her own mother molested her! she wins! you're right! she thrusts into my face that I am weak and pathetic and still playing this stupid "biggest loser" game to this day. will I ever stop this shit????

It could well be that your daughter finds it difficult to accect your fluctuating behaviour ( remember I am only speculating and speaking from my own experience. No two cases and I am not judging your parenting. BP parents can often be very attentive, sensitive etc...) But what I am saying is....it is difficult for a young girl to juggle and manage the actions of her Mum. I became obsessed with attempting to predict behaviour, constantly on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't understand the inconsistency...gushing love, followed by unfathomable hate. Words lost all meaning...what was sincere and wholesome one minute was disgusting and wrong the next. I couldn't keep up. so I withdrew from her and the rest of the world. I stopped chatting and I couldn't bear her touching me. Her fingers felt like the plague because I knew that with the good, came to evil. I didn't trust her. How could your trust something so inconsistent? This paragraph is going to become the subject of much meditation. I can't tell you how much gratitude I feel that you took the effort to respond to me, this paragraph is a numinal experience. I feel that it truly will help me to step that much closer into my Buddha self! Namaste.

Your daughter sounds like a high achiever. They are probably the ones most likely to develop eating disorders, addictive behaviours in general etc etc. Maybe she can't accept your praises and compliments for her achievements because she has learnt about how fickle words and actions can really be. She might not want your praise because she is resentful for getting there and doing it on her own, with so much emotional backlog waiting in the wings. I really need hands-on tips for how to deal with her! you are spot-on! I admit and accept that I am not treating her effectively and I am longing for the right way!!!!! I have humbled myself before her (see my "sent letters, said words" thread somewhere...) so that is not the problem. We are in family T and have been for years, because of my willingness to figure out how to enable her to be herself instead of living behind a mask!

Even though it can be increadibly difficult for a mother...you need to step back and not take instant offense at your daughters withdrawal. I just wonder when it will ever be about me....and then I recognize bpd me!!! right in front of my face is the mothers day card she made for me and in it it says,

" Mom, I want to let you know how much I appreciate you. You do so much for me every day. I would be lost without you. You are a beautiful, areing, taleneted person. I love you, Happy mothers day! love alisha"

holy shit i am crying buckets nowRemember, it is not always about you. She doesn't have to be responsive to you all the time (so long as she isn't down right rude for no reason at all!! rude for no reason at all is a feature of the teenage american girl... my burden is to stop taking it personally!!!! and to stop trolling for fights with her, which I totally do. I am sick and evil and a bully sometimes! I cant stand this in myself! it is my father talking through my mouth! STOP IT!!!!!!!) it is not her role in life to fill your emotional hole. she doesn't have to prove anything, be something, or produce anything for you. And don't mean that in a cruel wayI dont take offense whatsoever you are shining the radiance of clear truth and your honesty is a signal of respect. Namaste....of course you gave her life and brought her into this world Nope. That's the rub isn't it? I denied stepparenting /adopting issues because I fantasized about being adopted away from my own awful childhood! i daydreamed constantly that i was a fairy changeling with magic powers as a child. every minute of my life is spent telling myself, Youre not the same as your Father!!!!!....but she's her own person. She probably got a lot going on in her world and in her own mind that you have no idea about. This is the bpd crazymaking moment. She is highly secretive and passionate. You don't know the backstory, she was ditching school to have sex with at least 5 diff. guys in an abandoned building--which caused my leniency to end and the reinstatement of the oppressive regime! The more you push her to respond to you, the more she will withdraw. She will come to hate your pushing. She will feel under attack and vulnerable. Your post struck me as a little self righteous, presuming that she will interact and respond to you ....and voicing real distain and self pity when she does not fit a certain box. (please bear in mind...most of us on this site are a bizarre mix...this isn't a personal attack. many of us have : pride, narciassim and self righteousness...coupled with crippling insecurities and vulnerability. Such is the bewildering reality of our condition) Again i appreciate your honesty. I do slip into self-righteousness when I feel i have punished myself sufficiently. Another relic I hope to avoid passing on to my children!!!!! and check out the thread about changing from bpd into narcissist--my reply was that if i ever stop loathing, i will turn into a pompous ass, oops i'm already one. The truth stings. I am egocentric and immature and although i intellectualize wanting the best for her, secretly i hope she'll fail so that I will have been right about what a monster she's been to me. holy shit i hate myself!!!!! omg what do i do now????

Your daughter needs to be be stable and strong for her. She needs to feel like she can trust you, go to you in a crisis, confide in you. Your grand gestures of love are fickle in her eyes...and the offense you took when she didn't reciprocate your love merely clarifies further in her mind that cannot meet her needs. I dont know what to do. you are right, you are channeling her! what do i do? i was never shown the right way to do this! all i know is that if i do it differently than it was done to me, I'm magnificent, and that is such bullshit! i know this, and it triggers the worthless trance in me. please, tell me the new road!!!!!!!!

You have had a life time of pain. Don't allow it to trickle through to your daughter. It sounds like you are trying hard, but try HARDER. I will never forget the pain my mother caused me and although that is probably the saving grace which enables me to understand and manage my condition better....it is by no means perfect. I would rather not have any BP traits at all! obviously! I find it difficult to manage the resentment I have for my Mum. And she seems to get worse with age. I am being pushed so far away by her appauling behaviour, that one day I don't know if I will ever go back home again. The day might come when our relationship is over for good. I hear her over and over again in my mind, "i dont care what i do with my life as long as I get as far away as possible from YOU!!!!!!" yet all she does is plan to go to my alma mater??? i am so confused, i am her saviour and her demon. alll i am is a woman who fell suddenly in love with her daddy before i knew what i was getting myself into. is this why i fantasize about leaving the two of them? taking my boy and renting an apt. starting a life without demons. starting a life without BEING someones fucking demon!

Don't let this happen to you. I know it sounds daft, but leave yoiur daughter alone.thats why i was ok with daddy taking her to the awards. i would have fucked it all up. ALWAYS apologise for any bad behaviour on your part and explain to her (if you haven't already) exactly what BP is. If she understands you and your pain, will will learn to accept and love all of you...all the little inconsistencnies. Together you can come up with techniques to manage situations. Agree on how to end conversations when one feels that it might be spiralling out of control. Learn from your mistakes, build on it together. I do this. you have to read that "sent letter". It is characteristic. I actually err on the side of self-abnegation. I know it's hard to believe when you meet me here. Here is where my inside is on full display. in RL i am masked and strive for outward perfection. this is crazymaking for everyone around me worse than if i just let it all hang out??? I dont fucking know. When I feel good, I am a model mother a model citizen, a model everything. talk about high-achieving, i wrote the book. I am everyone's best fucking friend. As my mother drilled into my skull, "pretty is kind thoughts and gentle feelings" and I am the prettiest motherfucker you ever saw. However, inside i am a outraged cat in a a sack, all tooth and claw.

You must be able to recognise when your behaviour is out of line. And your daughter needs to understand that it is never her fault. Don't blame her for your own emotional chaos. Come up with an action plan. Support each other and learn from each other. It is far more damaging for a child not to understand at all, than be exposed to the truth and build on the foundations of a cracked relationship. I have blamed her, I think she is ruined. She molested my baby boy and I thought i forgave her but i havent. I hate her. I am getting tipsy now, so that ugliness came out. When she was 8 and he was 2, she molested him and hurt his penis and forced him to lap water like a dog. She molested my neice and all these other kids. She was acting out. I was also molested and acted out and feel like i deserve to die. I did it differently (of course, that is my way of distracting myself from my responsibility i guess..) I never made other kids do things with me, I never bullied little babies. I had a bf at age 8 who I had penetrating intercourse with because we loved each other and i thought from my mammals book that if we did it once, when we grew up, i would make perfect babies for him and we would be happy. My father found out and told me I turned him into a future Rapist. At the same age, he used to tell me how Rapists would kidnap me and burn off my nipples or cut out my vagina. This is what i'd turned my beloved into. As for alisha, she forced other kids and grabbed my son harshly and also forced him to masturbate her when he was only a baby! I hate her!!!!!!!!!

Please don't be offended by this. It is intended to help you and your daughter. Honesty is always the best policy and I felt compelled to write when I saw your post.

All the best, take care. Magpie

holy shit i feel worked over. I can't believe what this post dredged up out of me. How can I ever stop hating her for doing that to my son? how can i forgive my self for my love turning a little boy into a monster?

a couple years later, he had told the other kids in elementary school that he had had sex with me. (score! in boy's terms, right?)

I denied everything.

I never did that! I'm not a slut! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my daughter and i are the same, evil slut whores.

i dont believe that but i do.

what do i do????????//

[at_war_against_me]

So right on, Elke. Thanks for taking time, I know things arent easy for you either. I am trying to put an end to behaviors of mine that will lead to a lifetime of regret, because she's only going to be a child for a limited time! And she is so true, I am very unapproachable for her. I have all kinds of walls built up to protect me from, as Sammy so eloquently put it, seeing my own inadequacy mirrored back to me thru her eyes. She is like an alien to me. Everything except her bpd-ishness is alien to me. And I feel equally responsible for the bpd-ness in her as I hold her bio-hazard accountable.

Be there for your daughter no matter what that's your role as a mother you should know that. Every adults have their flaws and that affect their children. Knowing how bad you feel at the moment you have to show her that you really care about her and you're there for her and you love her as she is. If she also has bpd traits than show her the way to recovery and how you manage to overcome your life's problems as an example. I'm sure you don't want her growing up feeling unhappy so start to be happy on be determined to. You have to have had enough in your life at some point you have to be fed up with your life. Are you really fed up? If yes, you have to even be more fed up about your coping habits and how you analyse everything. Remember what I said about being realistic? Look at this : "Everything IS artificial". Come on you know that's probably not true. Always ask yourself if the probability of what you just said is large or small. The probability is everything being artificial is ridiculous. I know you probably don't like what I said but it's true. You have to let your daughter in because she is your daughter she doesn't have a mother except you right now. You have to be more mature than her and this will be hard at times. Ask yourself what she is missing before what you are missing from her. Don't be selfish with your children in any way, ever. I'm willing to bet all that I have with you that if you truly love your children and show them, they will love you back if they don't already. I'm not saying you're not a good mother, only that you see the world through your own filter like everybody does. I'm sure when you were younger you wanted your parents to be certain way to feel loved and you have to give you daughter what she needs as a child and that is unconditional love period. This is not about you, your the adult who has to find a way to cope and show her so do it. You have a family I envy you! I would love to work hard for my family if I had one. it's about you can get your life on track you just have to try and never quit until it gets rolling. As for drinking, calm down relax you already drank so it's too late but enjoy what's left. Don't feel bad about it and imagine at least 5 things you could have done next time you wanted to get drunk in the morning. Next time, you feel the urge to drink try to do some of the 5 things you thought before. "right now, I have given in and am drinking in the morning, alone." Set boundaries when you allow and you don't allow yourself to drink you don't have to leave your coping tool completely from the start, just reduce to an acceptable level and build skills to replace the drinking in the meantime, you'll feel stronger as you develop new strength and abilities. You didn't give up that's why you came to this forum. Hold on, be strong! Work on yourself, help yourself you're the only person who can and I know you have it in you. You can and you will succeed. You want to be loved but you have to love yourself also, right? But you feel that nobody loves you so you push them away. Elevate your conscience and be like a bird flying above the situation you're living. Keep the efforts I know you can.

[catspiracy]

today i cant make thru your post i still say everything is artificial

[catspiracy]

i am a plastic person. i can be molded but i can never feel.

this is bullshit. other days i feel so much i bleed if you look at me.

that is a histrionic lie i am a drama queen, a suburban trophy wife, a "Real Housewife of a Southern California County Younamewhichone". I am the ugly american consuming a quarter of the world's resources.

[AveMaria]

((((((cat)))))) That all sounds hard! I read the first half last night, but I couldn't think of anything worth adding, lol. Now today I read the new posts and I have like a blank... I can't think of anything to say. I feel bad though, it sounds like you could use some support. I think you are a wonderful mom and in regards to your son, it sounds like he is doing wonderfully. No child is going to be absolutely perfect in every way no matter how perfect of parenting they've had. Your daughter sounds like she brings you a lot more heartache, but its a unique situation where you choose to be her mom after she already had gone through horrible things that scarred her. Its amazing how much harder it is when they are our own children that we care about more, that we live with 24/7, that we have hopes and dreams for! It sounds like you are doing your best, really thats all we can ask of ourselves. Its not your job to make your daughter perfect, its your job to give her a solid base and to help her to want to be the best person she can be. She is old enough that a lot of her actions reflect on her now, not solely on you. Take time for yourself too and maybe try to see all the things you have accomplished as a family and how you each have grown, instead of only seeing all the things you wish were better. I'll always think you are amazing! I hope things get better soon.

xxx

[Sammy]

Your son being molested does not make him a monster. He didn't choose to do the things he did, he was forced. He is still that innocent baby.

As for your stepdaughter, I feel so much sorrow for what she went through, that she went through so much she acted out in that way. Although I have never molested anyone, I was promiscuous due to the abuse I suffered, and despite popular belief, being promiscious was no indication of me having fun. I hated every minute of it, was like a punishment to myself, tearing myself up, ruining myself, forcing on myself what I believed I deserved, all that I deserved, to be used and thrust aside, worthless but also desiring to feel wanted, needed, loved, attractive, an attempt to boost my low self image, of course it never worked, just made me feel worse. Please don't ever think that your stepdaughter is a slut for acting out, inside it shows she is still hurting and damaged tremendously, she is still that hurt and vulnerable little girl crying out for help and to be saved. *now I'm crying*

As for you, you know the accusation of your son was untrue, you know you are a good person inside, you too are hurting and crying out to be saved, and my heart aches for you.

I can understand you feeling you can't forgive her for what she did to your little boy, I would find it impossible. I know I do not have the strength you have to continue trying. I would have upped and left then and there. But you are an amazing person, having difficulty with your totally understandable feelings does not make you a bad person or a fake. You have not given up and run away, you've stayed and tried to face it. You are doing all you can to try to fix things, try to be compassionate, despite how you feel. I could not do that.

Even if one day you feel you do have to walk away for your sanity, it would not be about failure, it would be about the immense suffering you are going through and because you realise you can't let go of feeling hatred towards someone who in your heart you know is also an innocent, that was acting out as a cry for help. It would be letting her go so she can move on and feel loved, an act of mercy on your part.

Despite me knowing that your reasons for leaving would be honorable if it came to that, I don't believe it has come to that point yet, I believe there is still hope, chance for redemption for all of you. I really advise that your daughter see someone about her own issues, privately, even if it's a school counsellor. I'm glad you're in family therapy and I really hope you can all open up and be completely honest so that you get the full benefit of what is on offer.

The world is yours, if you just open your arms and heart and grab at it. xxx

[catspiracy]

Your son being molested does not make him a monster. He didn't choose to do the things he did, he was forced. He is still that innocent baby. i just want to clarify that I feel like i made that 8 yr old from my childhood into a monster because my dad said i did. and now that i clarified it, it sure sounds stupid.

As for your stepdaughter, I feel so much sorrow for what she went through, that she went through so much she acted out in that way. Although I have never molested anyone, I was promiscuous due to the abuse I suffered, and despite popular belief, being promiscious was no indication of me having fun. I hated every minute of it, was like a punishment to myself, tearing myself up, ruining myself, forcing on myself what I believed I deserved, all that I deserved, to be used and thrust aside, worthless but also desiring to feel wanted, needed, loved, attractive, an attempt to boost my low self image, of course it never worked, just made me feel worse. Please don't ever think that your stepdaughter is a slut for acting out, inside it shows she is still hurting and damaged tremendously, she is still that hurt and vulnerable little girl crying out for help and to be saved. *now I'm crying* i cry about it too and she doesnt. or does she? she already s/h's. she wont wear a two piece bathing suit in california, hello! even I do and I'm six months from forty and fucked in the head! she will wear painted on "skinny jeans" and eensy tank tops....so confusing....so unimportant...so maddening!

As for you, you know the accusation of your son was untrue, you know you are a good person inside, you too are hurting and crying out to be saved, and my heart aches for you.my son was 2 and in the swimming pool right outside my door, where i was sitting and watching, i couldnt see below the midriff from my vantage. i noticed the dog-lapping exchange, and called them both out. my son told me what she did, i had to send her to her room and lock the door so that i wouldnt beat her senseless. i called child protective services and told them that her abuse made her do this to my baby. they told me If i couldnt keep my son safe, they would take him from me. I called my senator. he got us into incest/ s. a group therapy thru Lutheran Services. She stopped molesting kids after a year of Lutheran services. then we moved to another city and stopped having therapy.

I can understand you feeling you can't forgive her for what she did to your little boy, I would find it impossible. I know I do not have the strength you have to continue trying. I would have upped and left then and there. But you are an amazing person, having difficulty with your totally understandable feelings does not make you a bad person or a fake. You have not given up and run away, you've stayed and tried to face it. You are doing all you can to try to fix things, try to be compassionate, despite how you feel. I could not do that.I have some stupid faith that what i went thru honed me to be strong enough to uplift her. i had consensual sex play as a child i never hurt or bullied anyone...now she is victimizing herself and I dont know where it will end, i dont want it to go too far, it has gone too far in abandoned buldings already i feel like afailure yet her only hope. her dad is a wonderful man and only needs me to be positive. i must raise myself up! thank you for helping me to see that.

Even if one day you feel you do have to walk away for your sanity, it would not be about failure, it would be about the immense suffering you are going through and because you realise you can't let go of feeling hatred towards someone who in your heart you know is also an innocent, that was acting out as a cry for help. It would be letting her go so she can move on and feel loved, an act of mercy on your part.

an excellent T we had that she and matt hated said, "Stepparent, step back!" she was the first person who told me not to take my daughter personally and to encourage her father to step up to the plate. she said, at this age, girls and moms only screech at each other. they need the dominate male voice of the father putting his foot down on the drama.

Despite me knowing that your reasons for leaving would be honorable if it came to that, I don't believe it has come to that point yet, I believe there is still hope, chance for redemption for all of you. I really advise that your daughter see someone about her own issues, privately, even if it's a school counsellor. I'm glad you're in family therapy and I really hope you can all open up and be completely honest so that you get the full benefit of what is on offer.

i once was at the poinht of leaving. atm, i feel like this is another speedbump and we have therapy at four pm and although i broke my sobriety this exchange and also some help from a freind on fb has made me get a grip

thanks soooooo much! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The world is yours, if you just open your arms and heart and grab at it. xxx

[Rael]

been sitting here with reply window open for ages now. so much is going through my mind but i really cant get it into words. the fact that you are still trying so hard with her after everything she has done is amazing, so many people would simply have walked away or just not even taken the situation on in the first place. her behaviour does not make you a failure, it means it is an incredibly difficult situation and that things do go wrong.

knowing that you shouldnt take something personally and actually managing to do it are very different, but struggling to not take it personally doesnt mean you are bad, or doing anything wrong. when we feel attacked or ignored, its hard not to take it personally. you do not have sole responsibility for her happiness and well being though. her dad should be taking more responsibility, but as long as he sees you taking on that role he may not see any reason to step up. not meaning to say he doesnt care or try, but i think most people if faced with a difficult problem will be happy to let someone else take on the bulk of it if they can.

hoping that came out right, cant really see or think so re-reading is hard

take care hun

xxx

[Magpie]

hi again Catspiracy,

Thanks for your reply. I hope I wasn't too presumptuous in my post. I am so sorry to hear of all your pain. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I don't know everything about everyone. Your words back to me were so kind, I was very touched. And if I did help in anyway what so ever, then I am pleased:)

I don't want you to feel that I am now abondoning you if I float off at any point. I am quite a flaky site member. I felt I had let some members down in the past by not being as responsive and pro-active replying, as everyone else is. I am like the wind...I move about a lot . I would like to think and hope that my input whenever it comes, is useful. If I disappear off the scenes, it is never lack of love...I just have a tendancy to attempt to crack on and shift through life as best I can. Sometimes the site is really useful, but sometimes it can make me sad. Therefore I don't always visit it. When I do visit it, I rarely leave posts. I tend to read a lot of BP books instead.

But if you ever want to e mail me directly, I would always reply. If I can advice or help in any way that is remotely useful then plz do get in touch I think that perhaps I could help support you with your relationship with your daughter....much of her behaviour rings a lot of bells.

Anyway , thank you again for your response and detailed post. You strike me as a very brave person indeed.

All the best Magpie

[catspiracy]

Thanks so much. I am starting to close back up and its hard for me to remember or focus on all this. I feel dissociative and can't follow what people are writing anymore. I'm sorry! I think i need to spend some time outside and ground my self again. thanks for everything!

love,

cat