A Bit Confussed

[Ruth24]

I have been feeling a bit odd recently, since my parents visited. My dad read through all the BPD info and said 'well everybody feels like that sometimes'

My mum suggested hypnotherapy to make me realise what I fool I am being and that BPD doesn't really exist, I'm just a bit over emotional.

Maybe they are right?

They are disgusted with the way i live, the house wasn't as spotless as i would have liked and my mum noticed a mug I had left out from the day before- I didn't notice and forgot to put it in dishwasher.

I didn't know the names of the flowers in the garden...i need to put some grass seed down to get a better lawn and get rid of some of the weeds. they suggested i move to a flat if i couldn't maintain a garden that large...

Or hire a landscape gardener!! they drove down in a car woth £55,000. they left the new Jaguar at home. I think the concept of lack of money to hire a gardener went over their heads. they seem to have forgotten what it is like to not have vast sums of cash like when i was a kid.

'Well your sister had her gardener beautifully landscape it all, only cost a few thousand...and your brother has just had a beautiful pond and rockery made, oh that brother of yours is such a keen gardener'

Your brother this and your sister that...

Oh aren't they just the perfect outcome that any parent could ask for. Happy and successful. Your sisters kids do this and your sisters kids are so clever...'how are your kids getting on at school, oh the schools down here are terrible compared to the ones at home...'

I asked my kids to get changed after school. my mum said 'oh no no no. do don't ask and give them the option, you tell them to get changed' i explained that that do get changed when i ask them but I was still in the wrong. She said to my daughter 'do you know what would happenen to your mum if she ever said no when she was your age? she would gat a good hard smack' My daughter said 'mum doesn't smack us' My mum just said hmmmm

However, when they left they told me how well behaved the children were... no plesing some people.

My mum hated my dog. Too small. I pointed out he was still a puppy. Dad liked him though and took lots of photos of him, which displeased my mother.

Sorry, bit of a rant. i'm just so sick of being compared to the other two perfect siblings-who are not mentally ill and always make them soooo proud. I didn'y choose to be this way, but somehow it is my fault, i am to blame. I am defective, wrong.

sorry mum. sorry dad. I wish i could be like my siblings. i desperately want to be like them...but i'm not. i failed and its my fault. i should have tried harder

[les66]

Hi Ruth

You have not failed at all, you are a wonderful and very thoughtful person. That says more about a person than what they have and don't have.

You are who you are and you are the way you are, as long as you are ok with that, what does it matter what others think? Most people on here would agree with me that you are a lovely and caring person, you would not be a peer support worker if you weren't.

Just YOU continue being YOU and you will certainly be ok.

Take Care

Leslie x

:bigarmhug[1]:

[drew]

hi ruth you are u and not yr siblings

you seem to be a level headed person when i have met u in chat and read yr posts

dont let this visit pull u down

my mam actual belives that my child hood was a bed of roses even though i have the proof it wasnt people sometimes see what they want

keep yr head up and be proud in u

[slimspider]

Bloody hell dont be so hard on yourself... you have not failed just cos you dont have a perfect garden or a small dog..!!

it sounds to me that your mum is a bit - well not fair on you... it must be v difficult for you if you have 2 perfect siblings as you say.... but then happiness or perfection is not neccesarily measured by a posh garden or money etc...

You must have things you are happy with... a nice house ... a garden too .. Children that sound very well behaved and well adjusted to me... so why should you wnat to smack them? no it sounds to me that you are more OK than you realise.....

but I understand it must be difficult for you in these cimcumstances.... hey and if a coffee cup is left out.... sowhat?? so what?

your place sounds nice and chilled.... coffee cup or not!!

[Ruth24]

thanks for your replies. you have made me think and you are right. sometimes it just takes somebody else to tell you its ok not to be perfect. thanks all

xxx

[Roses]

I think if my parents commented and behaved like that I would most likey have asked them to leave.

You did very well not to throw that coffee cup at your parents. xxx

[Data]

I am an only child but can still relate to much of what you said. Your parents are blind to your true problems. They believe that they have the simple right answers to everything. Mine are like that all the time.

My parents were the cause of my problems and so its unrealistic to expect them to behave any differently. If they could see what my real problems were, I don't think they'd have caused them in the first place.

I think a lot of my wife's difficulties are due to the fact that her younger sister was musically talented and bright and my wife was not, and the parents made the younger one the favourite.

Its puzzling how parents can have dramatically different attitudes to their different children. I have an acquaintance called Ian. I went to see his sister many years ago and said that I realised what my problem was - due to my over protective mother - and I explained it to her. She agreed that Ian had the same problems but she did not. The reason was her mother was very over-protective of Ian but not to her.

Sometimes subtle things in defects in parenting can do as much damage as brutal traumas.

My answer is just to avoid contact with my mum whenever possible because she irritates me intensely. She still babysits my children on a Sunday afternoon, thought.

Hope I haven't hijacked your topic too much ruth, its just parents... major trigger area!

[Sammy]

My parents look at my brothers success too, and compare me with my mental health issues. However, my brothers wife told me whenever my mum calls, he goes a little haywire. Like all of a sudden he'll move all his stuff into another bedroom, shut himself off and say how he doesn't need anyone and has never loved anyone. Well, I know he does love his wife, but he gets confused because of how our crazy mum is with all her shit and she is triggering. But neither of our parents know about this behaviour, so of course he is normal cuz he has his own business, family, house, pets, lovely garden, friends etc...

If his wife hadn't told me about this, I too would have been under the illusion that he had a perfect life with no issues.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors, and whatever appearance your siblings give out on the outside, you don't really know nothing more is going on underneat the surface.

[janey_girl]

Ruth - although my siblings are far from perfect I still get compared to them when it suits my parents and if I try and talk about some success I am having my mum will immediately divert away from giving me any praise and start praising my sister or brother...

I was the bright one, I was the one who was destined to be successful - because of this I was ignored and left to get on with it on my own - constantly trying to please them with no success... Because of my mental health problems I find work incredibly difficult - despite everyone thinking I am great, I find relationships horrific - despite having 3 men so far who have loved me (2 of whom I chose to leave - the third I am with), can't bear living with others (this is the first place I have had on my own and I'm 34)... And my parents berate my lack of success....

They are a major trigger for me - they made me despise myself, bend over backwards to try to please them, they never believe in me and when they do support me they make me feel so utterly inadequate..... You're not alone!

[Ruth24]

Hiya,

Thanks for your replies, they have been helpful, and no meme, you did not hijack the topic

It seems that parents can be a trigger for a lot of people so I should have put a trigger point next to this. Many apologies if reading this has triggered. I hope you are ok?

Just had a chat and a coffee with my only friend, she also understands because of problems with her mother. She helped put things into perspective and said pretty much the same as you guys.

My parents don't understand mental health problems, it was a huge stigma when they were younger, so find it hard to acknowledge now.

My mother being a total bitch with snide comments could be her way of dealing with things because maybe she understands and that makes her uncomfortable.

You can't choose your family. Maybe it is my turn to try and understand them a bit more rather than blaming them. Having a 'failure' in the family must confuse them a bit, so I think i should accept my fair share of responsibility and try and see things from their point of view. They had bad childhoods themselves, so i know they have suffered too and maybe this is the only way they know how to deal with me.

[Roses]

You can't choose your family, but you can choose whether or not you spend time with them, and you can choose whether or not to accept their behaviour. Be strong. xxx

[Rael]

you are nothing even close to a failure, in fact it sounds like you have achieved a lot. sometimes people put too much importance on having physical things, success is not based on money or belongings. you have well behaved children, love, respect. things like this are the most important things. you work hard to overcome your difficulties, are kind, forgiving, even justifying to yourself why they may be behaving this way. i know these are only a few of the things i could list and i truly admire you and how you are handling things. i hope you dont let them get to you, you definitely deserve more than that.

xxx

[roxy222]

you dont sound like a failure, and even if you were it wouldnt make you any less deserving of love and acceptance from parents. that is their problem, not yours. it is your choice how to parent your children, your choice how to keep your house, and if they want to be a welcome in it you should explain this to them. just because they are your biolgical parents doesnt mean you should expect less respect from them than from any other person in your life.

[Ruth24]

Oh thanks for being so kind I've never believed these things about myself, but to hear people to say it, about me!? aw shucks, you all made me cry now...

thanks you

xxx

[Gillfawley]

You can't choose your family, but you can choose whether or not you spend time with them, and you can choose whether or not to accept their behaviour. Be strong. xxx

Parents seem to be a huge trigger, they are mine too, and in particular my mum.

I love her to bits but am also increasingly aware that everything I am is partly down to her.

At the moment I rely on them for childcare which is do-able with fritted teeth but the real test is holidays.

I go away with my kids and them almost every time I'm off work to cover school holidays - about 4 times a year - and anyone listening would think 'ungrateful witch I'd love 4 holidays a year'

Wrll not with my parents & my messed up head - it can be tortuous.

I always feel that "I have to go" because (a) I can't afford to go on my own ( I hate to disappoint my kids, who love/expect time at the caravan, © I'd hate to disappoint them, the caravan cost them a fortune and my dad just wants to see us enjoying it, and (d) my mum would crumble if I told her I wasn't going - she has her own expectations and she must not be disappointed if you know what I mean !

(I've just noticed reading that back how hard I'm trying not to disappoint everyone else)

BUT after 8 days cooped up with them following our every move in April nearly broke my head - I've started to plan my escape. I have already cut back the planned 8 day stay to 6 days next week, and in summer I'm going to pull this back to 5 days. It is tough but a bit of strategising to help my sanity & manage her expectations might just do the trick.

Sorry for rambling but the parent thing just started me thinking and I guess I wanted to see if anyone else had any experience / advice on this. I rely o them so much for childcare & occasional (buit vital) financial support I feel obligated to 'keep them sweet'