Secrets

[jades]

why do i do this? why do i still hide it? why am i so scared to tell? why am i still doing this? i have been binging big time i have been drinking alot too but the part im ashamed and scared to tell anyone is that ive been purging. im terrified for anyone to know this. i know marc would be very disappointed i kept this from him. i have gotten so bad it hurts when i eat i get sick at the thought of food. im considering not eating for awhile maybe that will get me back on track? i have lost all sense of healthy eating i mean is bread ok to eat or will it make me fat etc. my exroommate threw out my precious scale! im lost. i fit into smaller clothes but i look in the mirror and i keep getting bigger and more disgusting! which is the lie? then my clothes feel like they fit too tight im flipping out everyother minute . i look fine then i look pregnant aaarrgghh need to lose weight quickly even better need my old body back now! im so confused and crazed stuck in ed thinking.

[marc-74]

why do i do this? why do i still hide it? why am i so scared to tell? why am i still doing this? i have been binging big time i have been drinking alot too but the part im ashamed and scared to tell anyone is that ive been purging. im terrified for anyone to know this. i know marc would be very disappointed i kept this from him. i have gotten so bad it hurts when i eat i get sick at the thought of food. im considering not eating for awhile maybe that will get me back on track? i have lost all sense of healthy eating i mean is bread ok to eat or will it make me fat etc. my exroommate threw out my precious scale! im lost. i fit into smaller clothes but i look in the mirror and i keep getting bigger and more disgusting! which is the lie? then my clothes feel like they fit too tight im flipping out everyother minute . i look fine then i look pregnant aaarrgghh need to lose weight quickly even better need my old body back now! im so confused and crazed stuck in ed thinking.

Well you know full well I think your so beautiful, I not angry or dissapointed with you , just a little sad that you dont trust me, I want to help, but how can I if you still keep hiding these things from me, And yet again the first place i find out about it is on the forum,

please have some faith in us , even if no one else has.

I love you, and we promised to be honest with eachother.

chat to you later babe, we'll get you through this.

your marc xxx

[Broken doll]

Hi jades, sorry you are struggling.

try to have just small light salads to get your healthy eating back on track, has something in therapy come up that has made you feel this way? is there something happening in your life that you feel out of control?

:bigarmhug[1]:

[jades]

im sorry marc its not that i didnt trust u , i didnt want to upset you i love you

broken i think you are right i feel out of control i havent been able to control my alters lately johnny has been popping up alot and taking over

[Broken doll]

That's ok jades, I understand, you are purging to feel in control of your body and mind. it's nothing to be ashamed of

its just your way of coping with something scary and difficult. of course its not good for you, but you know that, try to do things that relax you, like a nice scented bath, (jasmine is good for depression apparently) talk to your therapist about it, if you find a reason for your alters poping up then you might be able to minimse that or at least find some ways to cope better.

i'm sorry your having a hard time. kisses. :bigarmhug[1]:

[jades]

thanks broken doll , that ment alot i just wish i could get it thru my thick head! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Broken doll]

Don't worry about it,

deal with what you can cope with and forget about what you should or should not do.

Do what you can and be kind to yourself for what you've already accomplished, being a decent human through all the shit you've had to put up with. you rock hun!

[jades]

:D

[Benway]

hiya jades

i know ...i have a chronic ed too. it just never shuts up does it. that voice - mean horrible evil self critic- and i believe it.

About bread? eat wholemeal- you get used to it soon enough, and its a complex (good) carb, fills u up & also helps clean u out. white bread does not do this.

i have only once recievced any kind of treatment for my ed, in the 'good' days of bein 100lbs (sicko- yeah i know), but i am healthy weight now - actually 15lbs over according to the wii fit. so im freakin out too. all my fav brand of clothes- lip service, i collect their range, i cant wear about half my clothes! keep going on ridiculous diets now .

I did that to stop the purging which came back a few weeks ago, - not advisable honestly, -(either).

i wish you could love your body as your temple, as much as i wish i could do that too.

i too feel terrible when i do it too-purging. you are not alone with ed's so many ppl have it and its huge increase is all this size 0 crap, media etc. imho.

take care of yourself j.

always here,

anne marie xxx

to jades and marc

[Roses]

Why didn't you tell me?

[jades]

triggering *****************

ive been binging and purging all day and nights even tho my life is good right now. sometimes i do it so much i cant pick myself up off the floor and lay there for an hour. ive burst blood vessels in my eye lids so it looks like i have blak eyes . i b/p up to 10 times a day these last few days . i just cant get it get it undercontrol. ive eaten all the food in my house so my mom noticed and knows now. she told me she would rather i be getting drunk. she insists we go grocery shopping today which would not be so bad becaude i could just buy vegeatbles but i hav a visitor coming to stay with me so i have to buy good food for them and have it in the house . im hoping having them here will make me stop but i dont know if even this can stop me. my body dysmorphia is so bad i cant look in the mirror and i have no more scale. aarrggh!

[Roses]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Jades)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Not long now, don't worry it'll all be OK. Just believe in yourself babe. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Ruth24]

im sorry marc its not that i didnt trust u , i didnt want to upset you i love you

broken i think you are right i feel out of control i havent been able to control my alters lately johnny has been popping up alot and taking over

Can i ask, do you only purge when johnny or any other alters are around?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[jades]

no i purge when im jades mostly but the others do it too but jades does it the most

[successful_workthru]

I would compare your height on the Body Mass Index scale (BMI)

I am not a gambling woman, but if I were, I would wager that you are farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr from overweight.

Its easy to get in distorted thinking ways.

I get disorted thinking about things I think I have done to people, that I havent.

Weight is a common theme for distorted thinking. I still think I am boney, and I am 11st. I am five foot five, so am not boney, its just my distorted thinking.

Some people call themselves ginger, when they only have a red caste on their hair.

I think theres loads of types of distorted thinking, and stress can make the best of us think in distorted ways.

The BMI says I am not boney, so my distorted thinking is just related to the fact that I was too thin all my life till this last few years.

Try the BMI, and it will reassure you.

[jades]

im over weight omg im flipping out !!!! i knew i was big but damn i must have been in denial or delusional no more bulimia its back to no more eating !!!!!!! fat f ing cow !!!!! ugggh i hate myself !!!

[roxy222]

dont worry bout bmi stuff, im 5'8, a size ten to twelve, and according to bmi im techniqually overweight. bout food, go for simple choices, just a few easy to cook things in the fridge. things that come in shiny wrappers are generally bad, things that have sell by dates are generally good. figure out a few meals that are relatively healthy and you like and are easy to cook, maybe two for breakfast and 2 or 3 for lunch or dinner, then just shop for that stuff. i have a list of safe things i order from take aways too for when i cant think straight, like vegy pizza with a thin base and low fat cheese, veggy curry and boiled rise, monk fish and boiled rice, that kind of stuff, easy to eat because its take away, but not very bad for you either. allways allways eat something at regular meal times, even if not hungry, cause somehow it works to keep balanced

[janey_girl]

Well you know full well I think your so beautiful, I not angry or dissapointed with you , just a little sad that you dont trust me, I want to help, but how can I if you still keep hiding these things from me, And yet again the first place i find out about it is on the forum,

please have some faith in us , even if no one else has.

I love you, and we promised to be honest with eachother.

chat to you later babe, we'll get you through this.

your marc xxx

That's just beautiful - to have that kind of support and the support on here..... Wow!

I know it's a long healing process... Do share with the people here and your man.... Please....

[successful_workthru]

im over weight omg im flipping out !!!! i knew i was big but damn i must have been in denial or delusional no more bulimia its back to no more eating !!!!!!! fat f ing cow !!!!! ugggh i hate myself !!!

I saw your photos, and I think you look lovely. Truthfully.

x

[Sharingbody]

oh jades, it's so hard.

i think body dysmorphia gets really bad with did.

we all see ourselves in a different way...

but we all have the same body...

i don't know you, but we share different ed inside.

so it's really messy

some are ana and if they are distressed and outside

*don't eat or drink anything at all*

some are bulimic

*purge/over-exercise/sick*

some binge big time

*never enough, keep eating, don't stop*

so very hard.

donno what to say, just know that i'm thinking of you

my T says sh it's related to shame

for me it's like this

to avoid that feeling

we cope with ed.

so it's no hope really

cos i feel ashamed of my ed

ashamed of admitting and talking about it

ashamed if i keep it secret

i don't want to feel like this forever.

*thug*

keep safe hun

sb