Judgement, Predjudice, Thoughts And Feelings

[Data]

This is a bit of a long one, so even if you are my friend, don't feel obliged to read it.....

Some issues have come up in me over the last week or so and they are very conflicting, confusing and contradictory. In general, my thoughts are often wildly different from my feelings and I struggle to reconcile the two.

Some people here judge me for being a heavy drinker. The implication is that I am making a choice, to find a path which is harmful to myself and my family. It makes me very angry when people judge me. My thoughts say that I am justified in being angry because - although you may be similar to a person, nobody is the same as me. If the people that judge me had my life experiences, they may choose to drink as well. And sometimes other people have learned effective ways of coping that I have not learned or which would not work for me if I tried them. They may also have ways of coping which are just as harmful as drink.

Some people have had alcoholic parents or carers who are abusive. My mother falls into this category and I have seen the look of terror on her face when I have been drunk and angry. I expect she had that same look as a child when her dad came home from the pub.....

The other thing is that, perhaps some people don't like the way I act when I have been drinking, I can be verbally aggressive, but I am managing to control this. Last night I got into an argument after drinking but it I think it was more a discussion than an abusive rant.

I am honest I also feel guilty for drinking. Then my thoughts say.. are people feeding on my guilt, for their own reasons? Or perhaps I am too sensitive to their attitudes because I have guilt.

My therapist says my alcohol consumption (about a litre of wine a night) should reduce through our treatment. And he is really good, I am prepared to trust him and work hard in therapy.

I have issues with people on here who are on benefits and not working and having NHS treatment. I have to go to work.. until 2007 I had an office job but at the moment I am a student who is paid a scholarship to do research. I have to suffer long commutes and sit through two hour meetings with my boss who talks incessantly and does not always listen. During those meetings I have to endure suicidal ideation, anxiety, depressed moods etc. I feel jealous that people have the freedom to not work, and seem to have better access to treatment than me. I have to pay privately for my treatment because I am having problems with my GP. Logic tells me that some people here have worse problems than me, they may really be struggling, and therefore need and deserve these "advantages".

Also if I think about it, I am not young any more (36 years old) and I have learned ways, by myself, of coping with problems. Many people have not been through that learning process. I realise some people may find me patronising saying that. When I was younger I was incapacitated and out of work for over a year due to my mental health issues, and I had a pdoc, mental hospitals, day centres, etc, so I know how it feels.

I think these feels of mine arise through my own fear. My wife is shit-scared that I will not be able to pay our mortgage since the funding for my research will run out next year and there is no guarrantee that I will have done enough work to get the thesis finished by then. Her fear is causing problems in our marriage and part of the reason why I avoid her. Eventually I will have to get a job; in the past I have had so many difficulties working with other people, its very stressful due to my BPD and I am really scared. On top of having this job I will have to finish off my studying which means my free time will be curtailed and thats going to make it really hard for me to just escape if I am having problems with my emotions. I thought doing a PhD was a dream come true but I am really scared about leaving this safe world of being able to work on my own, and work when I feel able (rather than 9-5).

Its not just about this forum. My psychotherapist wants me to discuss any issues I have with him. I am uncomfortable with him being a different skin colour to me. I am white and he is black. When I look at him I feel some anxiety because of this.

I ask myself the question: "am I a racist?". The answer is no. In fact recently I have clashed with people on a social networking site because of my anti-discriminatory stance. Years ago I resigned from a political party, partly due to my disgust at the snobbery and racial bigotry I heard from a few members. I have a good online friend who is both scottish and asian, I have met her in person three times I think. Recently I went on a conference with a lot of strangers and I struck up a friendship with a chinese guy, and really enjoyed talking about China and global affairs and he liked me talking about UK history. So, if I actually thought black people were inferior to me, would I act in this way? No! Apparently psychological experiments have shown that many people show an unconscious preference for faces of people with the same race as them. So, logic tells me not to be so hard on myself.. as long as you make sure you don't discriminate, its ok.

It does not change the fact that I find other cultures/races both interesting and scary. I don't like being scared of people just because of their skin colour.

I think when I was young my parents definitely had some racist attitudes. My dad has said several times that he supports a right-wing political party, which revolts and concerns me. Perhaps this is the root of the problem.

I am uncomfortable with the fact that my therapist makes money out of me. It makes me angry.

But then I think of how cheap he is (£35 a session), how competent he is (he is very well regarded in attachment theory), and how good our relationship is. I have done some self-employed work and I would be resentful if people expected me to work for free (I volunteer here but thats different). Paying for something means you value it and will make the most of it.

I think this anger arises out of my fear that I will have to terminate the therapy due to not being able to afford it.

So there you have it. I complain that people judge me, but out of fear and anger I judge them. I find ways to attack people when I am hurt. I am a hypocrite really, but at least I am a self-aware one who is working on my issues. And, most of the time I don't let unfair judgements get in the way of making good decisions.

[Roses]

It is good that youare self-aware and like you said over time the drinking will lessen, with therapy, and perhaps your harsh views of others will soften off at the edges too. You are obviously a very deep thinking person. I am but I am all too aware of falling into the trap of thinking too darn much and getting myself in a muddle about it. Perhaps simplifying it down a bit might help.

I am uncomfortable with my t cos of their skin colour - I am not a racist though

I feel judged about my drinking - I am taking measures to try and reduce the amount I drink

I feel guilty about my behaviour when I have been drinking - Alcohol relaxes our inhibitions, with therapy I can address the issues that make me behave agressively when I've been drinking

I left the political party because I disagreed with their attitudes and ideals - This shows I care and that I am not my Father

I am uncomfortable my t makes money out of me - I understand that even NHS t's are paid and it is no different really

Don't know if this helps at all xxxxx

[Data]

Your message is supportive and has helped me Roses.

The party I resigned from was a centre-right one whereas my dad prefers a far-right one. I still respect and love him though, I look at the whole person not just one aspect of it. I think I need to learn to love myself, which is much harder.....

Unfortunately although I can rationalise these things intellectually it does not fix them. And its not just a matter of getting on with life. I used to do that and these harsh views would come to the surface and I would upset people.

So I withdraw from social life and hide by burying myself in study for years.

Now I have got to the stage where I hide no longer and want to work through these issues.

[DaisyChain]

Hello meme,

I just wanted to say that I read your post and am sorry that you feel judged. I know that people do judge drinking in a different light to other self harming ways. I wanted to congratulate you for your honesty and thank you for publicly addressing the points that you have.

I think in relation to the drinking, people that dont do it find it very difficult to understand or accept. I agree that with time you wont have a need to drown out whatever it is that you are seeking to hide when you drink. I dont know your reasons for drinking heavily, but I know personally for me there is a reason and as your t has said in time you wont need this coping mechanism.

In relation to your t having a different skin colour, I think it is less about prejudice and more about identification. Someone that you are having a close relationship needs to have a link of some kind. Maybe it is less about skin colour and more about finding a link that you have with this person. I personally couldnt work with a male therapist, it isnt that IM sexist, but I dont feel I have a connection, I feel inferior and powerless and afraid because I am not male. It doesnt make the therapist a bad one to be male, nor does it make me bad for not being able to connect with them, its just how I am. I do however have male friends and a husband and male children that I adore, I am interested and loving with them, but the role of therapist is a complex one.

Like Roses said, NHS therapists are paid well for their work too, and £35 per session is a reasonable rate. I understand your fears that this may cease should you not be able to pay for it though and this may be holding you back, for fear of losing this.

Maybe your issues about people on benefits and receiving NHS treatment etc are based on the fear that you could lose so much, possible jealousy that others dont have to struggle as you do, I dont know.

I am on benefits, I receive NHS treatment, I take a concoction of medication, I have a good therapist that I have a positive relationship with, I have an understanding pdoc and gp and like you I am a heavy drinker who struggles. I have had many years that I worked and paid taxes, at the moment Im not able to, but one day I hope to go back and hopefully my therapy that I receive now will enable me to do that, its a process and I am working through it.

Im not sure that much of my reply makes sense, but I wanted you to know I support you, and send you love

Take care meme

Daisy xx

[Ruth24]

I am glad you are getting the help you need meme, despite the fact you have to pay for it, which is a shame.

I don't judge you for your drinking. I know you are trying hard to stop, and tbh, its none of my business so why should i judge?

I don't think you are racist. Your T is outwardly different, and at first this may make you uncomfortable at first. I guessed that politically you swing to the right, but I didn't think far right. I am a racist towards jamacans. I cross the street to avoid them. I have my reasons and i am working on it because I don't like feeling that way, i hate myself for feeling that way. it is wrong and i know this

I was very offended by your comments about those on benefits. I have never signed on. as soon as i graduated I got a job, a crapy job, but i paid my way. I have worked in nursing homes, sold widows, did temping till i found a 'proper' job. I was offered a masters course but i turned it down because i wanted to earn money and was bored of being in education. But i always promised my self i would go back. Even on my graduation day my lecturer approached me and said he would keep a place open if i changed my mind, which was nice of him. I was good at what i did, and he knew that

It took me over a year to be persuaded to qiut my job. I was already in the mental health system at that point so I suppose you could say that through my taxes i was paying was for my treatment. When i left my job i left behing one of my identities and self esteem. You think i enjoy living on benefits? Having no money, no career, no life? I hate not working but I was unable to work. i didn't leave because i wanted an easy life. My daughter went to a childminder at 6 weeks old. I suppose you can't imagine how hard that was because you don't bond with babies, but as a new mum it was very difficult. But i had to work, i couldn't afford not too and i had run out of maternity leave (it was less in those days).

I don't know why i am saying all this. i don't need to justify myself to you. If you feel I don't deserve NHS treatment then you are as biggoted as the rest of 'them'. Maybe I should just leave the system now and struggle on so as not to upset people like you. If i had to quit my job because i had cancer, would you still feel the same way and think i would not deserve the chemo that could save my life?

You don't realise how lucky you are. Being able to study. Not have to wait two years for therapy.

You have deeply offended me, but that was part of your intention so i will not rise to it. you are entitled to your opinion. I hope some day your opinion will change if you ever end up in a situation where you can't pay your taxes, or you will have to jusge yourself and be jusged by 'them'

[Brokenangel]

Hello meme Narinda here. The choice to be drinking and hurting family is the choice you make. You have big pain and that is why you indulge it is your choice not the wife. Some people have no food or home even small shack be careful to know that the pain you can be feeling is not smaller or bigger than others pain. You have hard memories of working with people we must try hard and with change we can be better. Some peoples are in a great disease when they cannot go outside be glad that s not your disease. You work hard with help black or white. Are you looking forward that is where it is better for you.

Narinda

[Benway]

hi meme,

i read all of your post.

i, like ruth got really offended and hurt by this :

I have issues with people on here who are on benefits and not working and having NHS treatment. I have to go to work.. until 2007 I had an office job but at the moment I am a student who is paid a scholarship to do research. I have to suffer long commutes and sit through two hour meetings with my boss who talks incessantly and does not always listen. During those meetings I have to endure suicidal ideation, anxiety, depressed moods etc. I feel jealous that people have the freedom to not work, and seem to have better access to treatment than me. I have to pay privately for my treatment because I am having problems with my GP. Logic tells me that some people here have worse problems than me, they may really be struggling, and therefore need and deserve these "advantages".

i would love to be in college! i would love to leave my house more than 3 times a week! i feel i am rotting away here!

i am your age and worked /i.e . paid tax - from 16 to 32.

gawd i dont wanna start a row here, but that cut me to the quick.

I have issues with people on here who are on benefits and not working and having NHS treatment.

I take huge offence at that, not only for myself, but for my friends on this board from the UK.

im trying not to be a bitch here, but you are saying many of us are a heap of lazy scroungers!

you are a mini mod here, many people on here are getting nhs or equiv. now we know you 'dissaprove.' How can you be a mini mod and look down others you are supposed to be helping?

the grass is always greener on the other side... trust me, its not!

anne marie

[Brokenangel]

Hello Anne Marie Narinda here. Please not be upset one person is not always wise. I read here most writings and see not lazy but kind woman.

Narinda

[Roses]

Perhaps Meme should have put trigger warnings up at the beginning of this post. Don't know if they can be added now? xxxxx

[Data]

I don't know why i am saying all this. i don't need to justify myself to you. If you feel I don't deserve NHS treatment then you are as biggoted as the rest of 'them'. Maybe I should just leave the system now and struggle on so as not to upset people like you. If i had to quit my job because i had cancer, would you still feel the same way and think i would not deserve the chemo that could save my life?

You don't realise how lucky you are. Being able to study. Not have to wait two years for therapy.

You have deeply offended me, but that was part of your intention so i will not rise to it. you are entitled to your opinion. I hope some day your opinion will change if you ever end up in a situation where you can't pay your taxes, or you will have to jusge yourself and be jusged by 'them'

I do not have to justify myself to you either, but for the benefit of others.....

My intention in making the topic was to work through my irrational feelings, as I explained. Its not always about you Ruth. In no way did I say you did not deserve anything. You have totally misrepresented what I say and taken it personally, as usual!

I feel some jealousy towards people with the same dx as me (not cancer!) who do not work. I know this is wrong, I said so in the post, and its something I will work through with my therapist.

Nobody with BPD is lucky. As for being lucky about not having to wait for therapy.. I have NEVER had any effective treatment from the NHS, and I first went to my doctor about my problems in 1987!

i, like ruth got really offended and hurt by this :

I take huge offence at that, not only for myself, but for my friends on this board from the UK.

im trying not to be a bitch here, but you are saying many of us are a heap of lazy scroungers!

you are a mini mod here, many people on here are getting nhs or equiv. now we know you 'dissaprove.' How can you be a mini mod and look down others you are supposed to be helping?

the grass is always greener on the other side... trust me, its not!

I am sorry that I offended you anne marie. I have been in the position of being on benefits myself - and being judged by others for this - so I know what it is like. I have never said that you were a lazy scrounger, just sometimes when I am in a low mood I would like to be able to cut myself off from my responsibilities, thats all.

Being a mini-mod is about knowing how to help enforce the terms of use of the site, and what I have said in no way impacts on that.

I am sure the grass is not greener. Thank you for letting me have a peek over the fence .

[Roses]

It is hard, I know. I am jealous of people who can study/work. I wanted to go back to college last Sept and went and everything but it was too much for me. I volunteered at the school to see if I would be able to cope and I couldn't even cope with 3 half days, then 2 hours a week and am not not there at all.

It is easy to covet what others have when we are feeling low. The fact is you are acknowledging this is a problem and wanting to move on from that. This is what this thread is all about. Moving on and making positive changes. Hurrah for meme!!!!!!!! We will all be here to help you along the way. xxx

[Dani]

Meme ...your post is very open and honest,you are also as entitled to your opinnion like everyone else.

Its no supprise your post has offended some people.

You are very self-aware...and aware of issues that you need to work on.Thats a good thing.

I wasn't so much offended by some of what you said but i couldnt disagree more regrding people on benifits.

There are some people who are perfectly able to work yet choose not to...my brothers are a perfect example of this.There is nothing stopping them.

But you say that you have issues with people on here who are on benifits.

I work full time,i suffer with depression.I can see why some people are unable to work with depression.Some people do not have the support of their family,they are alone.Some cannot leave the house due to mental health problems and would probably love the chance to work.

Some have young children and are unable to work right now...single parents.Not everyone has a choice to go and work...

I can understand your frustration with people who abuse the system...but not with anyone on here who have mental health issues.

Just because you can do it meme it does not mean everyone can.

I have always paid privatley for my therapy ect..i am lucky enough to be able to.But i certainly would not begrudge someone getting the same help on the NHS free if they didnt work.We all deserve the treatment we need regardless of whether we work or not.

You have your wife to care for your children whilst you study...you are able to be doing what you do because of your support network around you.

I hpe you see the positives in your life and concentrate on what you have rather than thinking what other people get.

I am very lucky...without my mum i wouldnt work...i appreciate what and who i have in my life eventhough sometimes they drive me crazy.Try to appresiate what you have.It must be very hard for you studying,working and having children.Its a lot of pressure to have but it shows you have a lot of inner stregnth.

You are a good person meme.

I feel at times you purposely try to push people away...i only recognise this because i do the same meme.Though maybe i am wrong.

xx

[Dani]

oh just to add meme...i do think its great you are working through all this in therapy

[Data]

It is hard, I know. I am jealous of people who can study/work. I wanted to go back to college last Sept and went and everything but it was too much for me. I volunteered at the school to see if I would be able to cope and I couldn't even cope with 3 half days, then 2 hours a week and am not not there at all.

It is easy to covet what others have when we are feeling low. The fact is you are acknowledging this is a problem and wanting to move on from that. This is what this thread is all about. Moving on and making positive changes. Hurrah for meme!!!!!!!! We will all be here to help you along the way. xxx

Thanks for your support Roses and I hope you will be able to return to volunteering at the school some day.

Meme ...your post is very open and honest,you are also as entitled to your opinnion like everyone else.

Its no supprise your post has offended some people.

But you say that you have issues with people on here who are on benifits.

I work full time,i suffer with depression.I can see why some people are unable to work with depression.Some people do not have the support of their family,they are alone.Some cannot leave the house due to mental health problems and would probably love the chance to work.

Some have young children and are unable to work right now...single parents.Not everyone has a choice to go and work...

I can understand your frustration with people who abuse the system...but not with anyone on here who have mental health issues.

Just because you can do it meme it does not mean everyone can.

I have always paid privatley for my therapy ect..i am lucky enough to be able to.But i certainly would not begrudge someone getting the same help on the NHS free if they didnt work.We all deserve the treatment we need regardless of whether we work or not.

You have your wife to care for your children whilst you study...you are able to be doing what you do because of your support network around you.

I hpe you see the positives in your life and concentrate on what you have rather than thinking what other people get.

I am very lucky...without my mum i wouldnt work...i appreciate what and who i have in my life eventhough sometimes they drive me crazy.Try to appresiate what you have.It must be very hard for you studying,working and having children.Its a lot of pressure to have but it shows you have a lot of inner stregnth.

You are a good person meme.

I feel at times you purposely try to push people away...i only recognise this because i do the same meme.Though maybe i am wrong.

I honestly did not think that I would offend as many people as much as this, I am sorry.

It is difficult to say whether my family are a support network or not. My wife causes me a considerable amount of stress and the marriage is hard. But thats not the point, I suppose people can be unable to work for all sorts of reasons and I should not be jealous of them. I am cherry-picking an aspect of someones life and coveting it, which is just plain silly. Something to bring up with my therapist!

I would like everyone (including me) to get effective, prompt treatment on the NHS.

Just as some here think I am judging them for being on benefits, I also feel judged for my drinking. However, two wrongs do not make a right!

Perhaps I do push people away, I will think about this. Alternatively it could just be that I have very difficult emotions that I want to express and I am not sensitive enough to how people will react to them. Writing about my difficult emotions on here and having my friends reply is a coping mechanism. However, like drink it sometimes has problems .

[Dani]

Can i ask why you believe people judge you for your drinking?

As ive told you before one of my brothers is an alcholic...he makes my family life hell and i find him very selfish.I have little to do with him because of what he has caused myself and my family.Saying that i have a high opinnion of you and your drinking is your choice and your buisness completeley.I would not judge you...

Do you feel you judge yourself because of your drinking?

And just to make it clear i wasnt offended by your post...i can just see why some people would be.

xxx

[Ocean Wolf]

I think it's great that you can look at these things you do/think and admit them. I think it's great to look at them as you have, untangle them with logic, and try to figure out where they are coming from. I wish you all the best with your therapy. :)

[Sammy]

I don't judge you for drinking, the only time I talk to you about stopping drinking and ways to do that is when you express a desire to stop drinking. I thought that was what friends did?

I do think drinking is different to self harming though. Well I guess it depends on a few things. If you are a happy drunk and it doesn't affect your functioining day to day then it is just self harming I think, but when you become a nasty drunk and attack other people, say nasty things or allow it to affect those around you negatively it's not just self harming, it's harming others too. Most people that self harm do it so that it's only them that are hurt and can quite effectively hide this from others.

I say this because when I used to self harm it was just me that got hurt, now I am in a relationship if he finds out I've self harmed it hurts him emotionally too, which is what stops me from doing it. Because it means I am no longer simply self harming when I cut, I'm also hurting others, and that defeats the object of self harm.

However I judge people by how they treat me, and apart from one occasion you have always treated me with care, concern and kindness and therefore I judge you as a good person that I like and am honored to call my friend, your drinking therefore does not affect me and if you are happy with it, then I would never dream of judging you for it. Only if it began affecting me negatively might I judge you, and in that sense I would probably just keep away from you, until you were ready to address the issue yourself.

Why? Because I have been an addict before and I know noone else can stop you, only yourself. I do know though that when someone makes the decision to stop others can support that decision without putting pressure on, which is why when you say you wish you could stop drinking I might offer suggestions on techniques for overcoming an addiction. That does not mean I am judging you or saying you have to stop drinking, simply that I am here for you to support your wishes or decisions.

[Data]

I wanted you to know I support you, and send you love

Thank you for your comments, they made a lot of sense and were very helpful.

I don't judge you for drinking, the only time I talk to you about stopping drinking and ways to do that is when you express a desire to stop drinking. I thought that was what friends did?

I do think drinking is different to self harming though. Well I guess it depends on a few things. If you are a happy drunk and it doesn't affect your functioining day to day then it is just self harming I think, but when you become a nasty drunk and attack other people, say nasty things or allow it to affect those around you negatively it's not just self harming, it's harming others too. Most people that self harm do it so that it's only them that are hurt and can quite effectively hide this from others.

I am pleased we are still friends. Hopefully through my therapy I can find some motivation to stop dirnking and it will no longer be an issue. It is helpful to me that I have people here to support me during that process.

I sometimes do lash out when drinking but I also do when sober and I am working on my anger issues.

[Shelley]

Sounds like YOUR the one that has a problem with your drinking, not any of us.

So you pick at the fact that some people get free health services, just to 'justify' your drinking problem.

Im on DLA but couldn't afford a litre of wine every day if I wanted too.

Im a recovering alcoholic, and work hard to stay sober, I work hard just to stay alive.

I think your paranoid about what people think of you and your drinking.

So you jump on the benifit wagon to make yourself look better than people on benefits.

Its all about your ego.

Drinking problem aside, I think you have PEOPLE problems.

[Sammy]

Ouch! That was a little bit harsh Shelley. Meme is a self confessed not a people person anyway, he owns his mistakes, he knows that his feelings of lets say jealousy of those on benefits is wrong, he's said that it's about him feeling he'd like to drop his responsibilities - of course those of us on benefits know that it doesn't stop us having responsibilities at all, but as he pointed out he was cherry picking for him what he thought the good part of being on benefit was, and wasn't really able to look at all sides of the picture at the time of the original post. I also don't think he sees us as lazy good for nothing bums, I'm sure if he puts thought into it he can see us for who we are and recognise our individual needs and reasons for being on benefit. I think a lot of people have read too much into what was said, based on their own insecurities and experience of how others have judged them in the past and then popped meme into the same category.

[Data]

I have been meaning to make a post about issues with my therapist for a few days, and DaisyChain has given me some useful to things to think about this, thanks for the reply.

Last night someone on here made me angry. That person was my friend but we can no longer be friends. I now realise that I let that anger cloud my judgement and said some things about people on benefits that I probably should not have said. I apologise to anyone who is offended.

[Dani]

We all say things in anger(or in this case write ) that we don't mean sometimes.

xx

[Data]

I also don't think he sees us as lazy good for nothing bums, I'm sure if he puts thought into it he can see us for who we are and recognise our individual needs and reasons for being on benefit. I think a lot of people have read too much into what was said, based on their own insecurities and experience of how others have judged them in the past and then popped meme into the same category.

At one time I took several different medications, I was on antidepressants, antipsychotics and sedatives. I could not have had a job and I was in and out of hospital. When I started to get better I was worried they would sign me off too soon and I would be sent to work before I was ready. Unfortunately those fears were well founded since I had undiagnosed BPD which continued to cause me horrendous problems for many years. I got no help whatsoever from anyone, and to cope with the stress I started drinking very heavily.

I am no better a person now than then, I just have more insight. So I don't believe that people who do not work are worse people than me - I have been in their shoes.

Just because I have feelings of jealousy, it does not necessarily have to mean I have to bring them up here. As I said, the post was supposed to be about my therapist. I suspect my reasons for being controversial were influenced by the anger that I spoke of in my previous post. In my opinion someone here behaved wrongly towards me but two wrongs don't make a right. I am disappointed in myself because I thought I had a handle on my anger issues and I have realised I am still doing things without understanding what my motivation is - a very dangerous state to be in. More material to talk about with my therapist, I think!

[heather123]

How long have you been having therapy meme, if you don't mind me asking? And what kind of therapy is it? I totally related to what you said about resenting paying for it as that niggled me when i saw someone for a while - especially because for our ten sessions together i only ever spoke in the first one! I've got avoidant tendencies as well so i just couldn't open up again after the first outpour. I maintain to this day that the stupid cow should have either refered me to a colleague or used techniques to help me open up. I feel stupid enough for going as long as i did. It was so excruciatingly embarrassing and probably would've gone on and on! I can't believe she let it happen. It's not like i could work through the issue of not trusting or whatever it is, if i'm unable to speak. Or... would i have suddenly overcome it? I don't know. It's not an easy business finding a therapist, i know that much.

[Brokenangel]

Helo meme Narinda here. I read your feelings with big interest. I would like to share with you feelings I have made. I think you are looking at yourself too much and I worry for your family. When we take a wife and make family comfortable home we have to sacrifice. Please think of them as I would not want to have read they are lost from you. To hurt friends is not such a great worry when you have small children they will understand it is pressure.

Narinda