Validation Is All I Need To Calm Down

[sanctuary]

I am going crazy, losing my mind, feeling a hundred emotions per hour and all because I've hit the famous landmark that blights BPD's lives......

"I HAVE BEEN ABANDONED BY MY PARTNER AS A DIRECT RESULT OF MY OWN BEHAVIOUR"

On the outside, it appears I've broken the camels back, demanded one too many times his attention and basically forced him to back off.

However - some of you may be like me, in therapy, driving forward changes in our lives and STRIVING to 'get better' and if, like me, you are trying to change, then please help me because I have reached a brick wall.

FACTS about my current situation:

1. I fell in love fast and furious with this guy

2. I knew at the time it was likely to be a little 'too good to be true' but - love drunk, I dived right in.

3. I foresaw problems arising and patterns starting to develop early on in the relationship and tried to take steps to end it.

4. He begged me not to end it, declared deep love for me and I fell into deep depression.

5. Unable to control my emotions, I have blamed him for not leaving me when I asked

6. I have texted him saying 'It's Over' four or five times, sometimes in anger, sometimes in despair to the point of silliness

7. Now I feel like a fool because HE has ended it and his reason is because I AM CRAZY

Great. Well here I am. Trying to RECOGNISE the signs to prevent another NASTY BREAKUP and after I worked so hard to WALK AWAY, I am left with today being the day HE WALKED AWAY.

Anyone else have the faintest idea what I'm talking about?

[Data]

:welcomeani: sanctuary

One of the symtoms of BPD is that your opinion of others is unstable, you sort of alternate between loving and hating them.

Its difficult for me to offer any advice. The only thing I can say is that many years ago, when I met my wife, I forced myself not to spend every minute of the day with her. It is so tempting to want to be with someone all the time and in my experience its better to go in slower.

Like you, I am in therapy - good luck with that.

[Little_Lady]

Hey Sanctuary,

I have a very clear idea what you're talking about. Taking things out on a person we love is not unusual. Pushing them away because we don't feel we deserve love is something that a lot of people do (me included).

The advice I would give to you is to continue with your Therapy. The fact that you know you need to change certain things about your behaviour shows that you want to get better and are trying. Never stop trying Sanctuary. In order to accept that someone loves us, we have to know that we're capable of being loved and also to accept that we can be loved.

You say it was too good to be true and that you tried to end it many times. You were denying yourself the opportunity to be loved, and as a result pushed this guy away. I'm so sorry you feel badly right now. Rejection is horrible. Breaking up isn't an easy thing to do but it's a part of life that we must try to accept. It doesn't have to get nasty.

We're all capable of behaving badly sometimes. But we have to accept that there'll always be consequences to our actions. Maybe you're not ready to be in a relationship yet? Blowing hot and cold is hard for the person on the receiving end too, we mustn't forget that.

The fact that you saw problems arising and patterns developing was a good thing. You recognised that there were things wrong, but maybe focused on those things too much. I know I do that, and in doing so, forgot about the positive things.

Try and stay calm, texting nasty things and calling him and shouting isn't going to help the situation. Come on here and have a good rant about him if you need to let off some steam.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but I do understand and sympathise with how you're feeling right now.

With Love, Little_Lady x

[Roses]

I understand you completely, and spent many, many years in and out of relationships because I couldn't stay stable enough to handle it and would usually finish with the guy or do something terrible meaning he wouldn't want me.

It can change though. I have been married for 9 years now and we have been 'together' solidly for the last 4 years or so and I have spent time in and out of hospital during that time so it's been tough but you can find that person for you.

Like Little Lady said you have to be ready for it though. Perhaps there are some things you need to work through so that your feel more able to maintain a long term relationship with someone. One of my big problems was that I felt so worthless I could not believe this person loved me so much. Again, as Little Lady said, accepting love is sometimes a hard thing to do.

There will be a reason for it though. Talking on here, or venting on here or with your t sounds like a great plan. xxxxx

[Roses]

PS - I was born in Surrey and I'm 33 too! xxx

[Rael]

hello and

i can relate to that situation, have been in it too many times. in the process at the moment of desperately trying to not act so impulsively as i have a tendency to need to draw someone closer and need them there, but pushing away so hard at the same time. i get very confused as to what i want and often run away from the very thing i need. its good that you are looking for a way out of the behaviour and are trying to recognize the signs. it may still be hard to change things even if you recognize it, i know i often get caught up in things and it can be like a runaway train sometimes.

for future relationships (when you are ready), being honest about the feelings, and talk about whats going on, it can help both of you understand whats going on and deal with it. therapy is a good place to work through the behaviours and thoughts, i find that insecurity and lack of self esteem make things worse and its a good place to deal with that.

take care

xxx

[Squeakybird]

Welcome Santuary!

As my DBT facilitator (DBT stands for "dialectical behavior therapy") would say, "Great identification!" meaning that you have clearly identified the facts. Stick with your therapist to uncover the whys.

I was described in college by men and friends as showing a "come here, get away." Never knew what that meant until after 1st "love" dumped me at 25 and I enlisted myself in therapy and got the diagnosis BPD. I saw some really ugly things in me with first BF and I never wanted to see those parts of me again! I ran around dating and ditching men before they could hurt me b/c intimacy scared me and all that nasty shit I put my BF through ... man, I didn't want to show my ass again like that. Only when I was 34, after trying to have relationships with men and then getting out of them and feeling so lonely, did it occur to me that "you know, it just might be me." Make use of enough therapy and skills, and it does get BETTER and you will gain greater insight into yourself andhave more control over your emotions, I can promise you that, if you want it. DBT classes are great if you have them available, even if you're not a borderline.

[Stevietrixta]

FACTS about my current situation:

1. I fell in love fast and furious with this guy

2. I knew at the time it was likely to be a little 'too good to be true' but - love drunk, I dived right in.

3. I foresaw problems arising and patterns starting to develop early on in the relationship and tried to take steps to end it.

4. He begged me not to end it, declared deep love for me and I fell into deep depression.

5. Unable to control my emotions, I have blamed him for not leaving me when I asked

6. I have texted him saying 'It's Over' four or five times, sometimes in anger, sometimes in despair to the point of silliness

7. Now I feel like a fool because HE has ended it and his reason is because I AM CRAZY

Great. Well here I am. Trying to RECOGNISE the signs to prevent another NASTY BREAKUP and after I worked so hard to WALK AWAY, I am left with today being the day HE WALKED AWAY.

Anyone else have the faintest idea what I'm talking about?

My last 4 relationships have all broke up in that exact same way! 100% as you say it. I fall in love easily then push them away.

I get mad and tell them it's over, then regret it and get given another chance... then they can't deal with my constant questioning etc and they end it.

All my bf's have left telling me I am a psycho or crazy.

You are not alone, some of us act the same way.

I am getting used to the idea I will always be single.

If you wanna chat about it... you can always call me or msn? just pm me

Stevie x

[Pink stars]

Hello and welcome.

I'm sorry to hear that your going through a tough time. Every one here is lovely and very supportive.

Best wishes to you

[jades]

hey im jades nice to meet you welcome im sorry your having a shit time it can get better i promise i went thru the same thing and got better and am now getting married to a wonderful man who helps me a ton take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[TRUTH SEEKER]

I am going crazy, losing my mind, feeling a hundred emotions per hour and all because I've hit the famous landmark that blights BPD's lives......

"I HAVE BEEN ABANDONED BY MY PARTNER AS A DIRECT RESULT OF MY OWN BEHAVIOUR"

On the outside, it appears I've broken the camels back, demanded one too many times his attention and basically forced him to back off.

However - some of you may be like me, in therapy, driving forward changes in our lives and STRIVING to 'get better' and if, like me, you are trying to change, then please help me because I have reached a brick wall.

FACTS about my current situation:

1. I fell in love fast and furious with this guy

2. I knew at the time it was likely to be a little 'too good to be true' but - love drunk, I dived right in.

3. I foresaw problems arising and patterns starting to develop early on in the relationship and tried to take steps to end it.

4. He begged me not to end it, declared deep love for me and I fell into deep depression.

5. Unable to control my emotions, I have blamed him for not leaving me when I asked

6. I have texted him saying 'It's Over' four or five times, sometimes in anger, sometimes in despair to the point of silliness

7. Now I feel like a fool because HE has ended it and his reason is because I AM CRAZY

Great. Well here I am. Trying to RECOGNISE the signs to prevent another NASTY BREAKUP and after I worked so hard to WALK AWAY, I am left with today being the day HE WALKED AWAY.

Anyone else have the faintest idea what I'm talking about?

I am new to this site but really related to what you had to say. I went through a similar break up and it almost killed me. I regret that I tried to get through it alone because I am now paying hard consequences. I hope you keep working on yourself and keep with therapy. I too foresaw the problems arising and wanted to end it but was caught in the fear of being alone and always a little hope that it might get better. Like me, your not crazy, your trying to find your truth and then you can change what you need to. My psychologist has taught me breathing meditation and muscle relaxation to deal with the stress and it helps sometimes. The only way I can see myself changing is to keep working on loving me and being okay with me. Working on self affirmations everyday finally gave me enough self love to seek help. Blaming yourself is just attacking yourself and haven't we all done that enough? Some days I can find a little peace and recognize that I did the best that I could at the time and it didn't work out because it wasn't meant to work out, there is something better for you. How to deal with the hurt, I haven't a clue except to say that by reading your words I started to feel that I wasn't so alone. Thank-you for sharing

[sanctuary]

How to deal with the hurt, I haven't a clue except to say that by reading your words I started to feel that I wasn't so alone. Thank-you for sharing

Thank you so much for all your replies. I have lifted out of the crisis stage of this current drama to a more level state, and I am able to appreciatee your words all the more.

I want to speak to people who really want to get better because I believe in a mutual understanding, we can grow. Seeing others relfected in yourself is so very enlightening. For me, fear of being alone is what drives me to madness. This forum may be artificial when it comes to having some 'company' but the depth of my appreciation for those who have responded is not a small thing.

So.... thank you, all.

[bambi]

My boyfriend bumped me in April because he couldn't cope with the way I was acting. Thank you for sharing. I have just been diagnosed and I feel less alone.

[sanctuary]

Regardless of all the trauma, this was a winner. If nothing else, this post gave me hope. Perhaps I should have quit while i was ahead.

[chip1956]

Hi,

I am from the states. I have gone through the same scenario as you. I hope that you have a group that you can rely on. Personaly it is what has helped me the most. being new to this site i wonder do you all have the diaelectic behavoir training or DBT. The DBT course has helped me in reconizeing my actions. Also have you heard of the WRAP method. It stands for Wellness Recovery Action Plan. If not it is a plan that you create that you put your life down on paper for quick referal in a crisis. This has also helped me. Hell trying to help others is a good way to help yourself. If for no other reason that your not ALONE.

Thank You,

chip mc

[sanctuary]

Chip MC

I have found WRAP online and oh my god thankyou. This is going to help me SO much.

Thank you thank you thank you!

x

[sanctuary]

This was my original first ever post here in this forum. The subject matter of my boyfriend was causing me stress then and it escalated on and on until NOW.

The relationship is finally over. My therapy is ongoing, I have now been prescribed diazpam and sleeping tablets to cope with this 'ending' and after many suicidal thoughts and actions, I am finally getting the professional help I need.

Deep down inside I knew this relationship was not helping me. I wasn't ready for a relationship. I was still grieving over the loss of my husband.

The reason I am so ill now is because I couldn't face up to being alone and not 'in love' with someone.

It is going to take me many months to recover from this man. I know the healing process is going to take everything I have and I am vulnerable right now to jumping into another relationship to replace the emptiness.

I have been in therapy for nearly 2 years now. Fundamental aspects of my personality have changed. I have much greater insight into the workings of my mind and my behaviour. The last hurdle is getting over this relationship with a sense of dignity and self respect.. I did what I knew how to do at the time but now, I have a fresh start. I may miss him, but what I really miss is what I thought he was.... the truth is he could not love me the way I wanted him to. And the way I wanted him to was infantile, unrealistic and fucked up.

One day I will be recovered from this plague of failed relationships and one day I will be ready to look for love again,

To anyone who has experience this........ my heart goes out to you and I have hope we can past these attachment hunger patterns and learn to give love to only those who have first earnt our trust.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT IS A THING OF THE PAST.....FOR ME ANYWAY.....IT HAS TO BE.....I deserve to take my time and get to know the person first before giving them 100% of me.

Scary times ahead but if medication helps I am going to take it....anything to take away the suicidal response I have always had in the past to an ending of a relationship.

[just.me]

I can totally relate to what you are saying, however managed to have a ten year relationship with the donor, which I did not want to be in, and a 7 year with someone who I married, however I think they lasted because I was not in love, don't believe I ever have been, they were what you might call safe relationships because I didn't care enough, for my head to do the black/white thing.

The problems I have are with the people I care about.

I push, push and more push, if I don't get what I want when I want it, I become abusive by text to the point of being brutal.

This page here sums me up perfectly, however the SH/promiscuity/stealing/drugs and drink part don't apply to me.

http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/indicators.shtml

I think that knowing what you do, what triggers it and trying to manage it to the point that it does not scare the bejesus out of someone is the way to go.

[sanctuary]

Intersting stuff on that link Sioux..... thanks xxx

[just.me]

Made a lot of sense to me Sanctuary. Real did.

[emslou80]

Hi Sancturary,

I wanted to say thank you for sharing your story, it is so reassuring to know we're not alone!

I don't have a diagnosis, just a head that is a permanent shed. I too moved in with a man very quickly and am now struggling to even be in the same room as him, everything he does just pee's me off and I wish he'd go away! I resent him so much. Today he has been sat in his car all day because I wanted to be alone. We have tied such a financial knot around ourselves that its going to be hard to undo, we've only been together since April. I've relied on him financially and he's relied on me to put a roof over his head which is just not healthy. He is a sincere man, but doesn't have it in him to understand the complexities of my mind. And right now even thinking about his existence is making my blood boil. Talking to my counseller just clarified to me that the situation is wrong.

Again, as with others on here, I've destroyed every relationship I've had, going from love to hate with a finger click. Right now I want to be alone, would be happy to be single for always. But he is living in hope that after my gp appointment on monday we'll be safe in the knowledge that my feelings might change again, argh no, take a hint! He even wrote 'I love you' in the mashed potato. Noooooooooooo, not the way to go! This is going to get messy.

Good luck to everyone who's in a similar position, happy endings will happen,

Emma x