Trust

[thesloaneranger]

hi all - hope your doing ok

ive just had quite possibly the toughest weekend ever, and after being seconds from ending everything, myself and my husband are trying to work at things and hopefully fix our marriage.ive had 3 months of hell since he left, our 10th wedding anniversary was on friday and things have gone full circle over the weekend. he is now back staying at home, and we had a lovely family day yesterday.

however, my biggest problem is trust. i have had so many people call and text me to tell me he had been with other girls, which has since been proven to be lies but the effect lingers. i also feel that he is just being nice and pretending to care because he doesnt fancy the idea of having my blood on his hands. over the weekend i gave him umpteen chances to walk away, and instead he held me, told me he didnt want to lose me and that 10 years is too much to throw away. he is saying and doing the right things, just like i have so desperately wanted him to for so long, but i just cannot trust myself to believe what he says is true, nor do i feel i can ever trust him again. i know alot of this damage has been caused by a few malicious people, but its been done and the legacy its left has left me feeling horrible. i dont want to blow this chance with my insecurities, nor do i want to be hurt again.

i have explained to him that depression isint something you can just snap out off, and that i have done all i could in trying to get on top of it myself with anti-depressants, counselling, and beta-blockers. to put it in a way he can understand, i asked him to imagine a broken leg: it wont heal overnight, it has less of a chance of healing completely if people keep kicking it, and that it wont heal atall if it doesnt have the support and protection that a stookie (a cast) offers. he has said he will be my stookie and give me the reassurance i need so that he can have his "old lynz" back. however, i just cant believe that after watching me crumble for 3 months, he suddenly gives a damn about me but when i see our daughter playing with him i know ive got to do everything to keep a lid on my demons and not mess things up! i think you can see where im coming from!

how do you learn to trust again? i know its not something that can be done overnight, but i believe being able to trust again is a cornerstone of repairing my marriage, and thus, shaking off my depression and getting my life back.

if you read my witterings, thank you - if not, its ok i totally understand and send you a hug anyway

lynz x

[Dani]

trust has to be earned and built upon.It does take time expecially if that trust has been broken before.

Try to concentrate on now and not looking back(i know thats hard).

if you have any doubts then discuss them with him,not in an accusing way but in a calm way when possible.

good luck

xx

[thesloaneranger]

not looking back is soooooo hard! ive tried today, but something cropped up that made me question everything AGAIN and i nearly blew things. our relationship is so fragile, but i just wish he would remember that i am too. i simply cannot see straight enough to work out whats the truth and what isint due to being lied to so much and the only way for me to stop torturing myself is to ask him straight.

i so desperately want to be able to trust so thanks for the wee tips there dani :)

[Rael]

it is hard when trust has been broken and like you said, when people just keep picking at it. no matter how far forwards you feel you have gone, there is always the chance that something is out there that will bring it all back and make it hard again. i get it all the time, and it might not even be anything directly to do with the original problem, but the effect is strong all the same. i struggle with trust a lot, but i am better with it than i was and what it has taken is moving forwards slowly with many little bits of trust earned. occasionally some will be taken away, but the amount gained is generally more than the amount lost and so gradually it will build back up again.

is marriage counselling something that could be considered?

take care

xxx

[thesloaneranger]

thanks for the reply rael. i have briefly mentioned marriage counselling, but my hubby is a real "mans man" and although he knows i get some benefit from talking to my counsellor, he doesnt want to get involved.i suppose everyone deals with things differently. the way my mind is working now, im thinking hes just trying to keep me alive until tomorrow when my mum gets back from her holiday and then drop me. the last time i was deeply suicidal he wouldnt come near me, and called my mum to get her to look after me instead, as he knows he can use her as a weapon to get me to "behave" as it were.

im seeing my counsellor at 6pm, and im so nervous as ive only got 50mins to fit in whats happened this week, and i feel like ive had more crap fall on my head in 7 days than some people have in their whole lives. if i could trust my hubby then i could relax more and hopefully get on top of things. i think the easiest way to do this would be to tell him we are splitting up on my terms and remove the whole possibility of being hurt - but then id still go to pieces without him being around.

sorring im just babbling here...my mind feels like its in training for a speed trial

[Dani]

Hiya...finishing it purley so you don't get hurt will eventually hurt you.

if you feel you can resolve things then maybe its worth a go.

If you feel pushing him away will save you hurt in the long term i doubt it will from personal experience.

talk it through in therapy...take your time...take it step by step

xxx

[thesloaneranger]

thank you for your reply dani - i agree with everything you say, but for some reason my stupid big trap doesnt! grrr!

i talked this issue over with my counsellor last night, but as id had so many triggers and "episodes" over the past few days, she said she wished she could give me 3 hours rather than just one!!! because of this, i dont think i went anywhere near trying to sort the whole trust thing and when my hubby left for work early today i text him asking if he had just walked out on me. in hindsight, not a great move, but at least he called me and said that wasnt the case and id see him later. i feel a fool for asking, but i feel so much more sick if i dont. i really am between a rock and hard place, and i dont want fall down the gap between them again.....but feck me, its hard! lol

[Dani]

You are feeling insecure and needing reassurance...your not a fool at all.

We all just want to know where we stand in these situations.

You have lots going on in your head...the stress of it all will be building,try to take a step back.

Could you both have a chat when he gets home?

xxx

[thesloaneranger]

thank you for your reply again dani - i really would be goosed without your suggestions! *hug*

it took a while, but i managed to get the courage to have a chat about all this last night with him. i said what i needed to say, heard some things i needed to hear....but yet again also gave him the opportunity to walk. the one thing thats driving me mad with all our conversations is that he seems to think im just going to spring back to normal and that theres not really anything wrong with me. i feel like im going round in circles as i cant trust him if he wont even believe that being depressed is something that doesnt just vanish. we are both emotionally drained and it is going to take a long time for things to heal - i know that, but i wish there was some way i could prove i am ill, ive done all i can to get the right help and that him having a little patience with me would go a long way to helping me get back on top and start rebuilding the trust we had.

ill keep you posted anyway - got a docs appointment this afternoon to see if i can get something to help me sleep, so maybe that will lower my anxiety levels as i wont look and feel quite so knackered, which is knocking my self confidence and making me question things too much! argh!! vicious circles! lol!

[Dani]

Yeah i too found it hard with depression as a lot of people just dont understand it isnt a case of snapping out of it.

As you say ...your both drained so try give him a little reassurrance too that you want it to work...that you love him and that your trying to get help for how your feeling.

Its up to him if he wants to learn more about your illness...if he does then maybe getting him a book on it will help him understand a little.

You oviously think he is worth it so when you start to doubt him try remember all the reasons why you fell in love with him.

Why not cook a romantic meal and spend some quality time together just having fun...no pressure or serious discussions just the 2 of you enjoying eachothers company?

let us know how things go...

you'l be fine

xxx

[saffron]

Hi sloane

I understand what you are going through its so hard to let that final barrier down eh. you said some really thought provoking stuff and I wanted to ask you about them, if you dont mind. you dont have to answer them, no pressure at all.

''but i just cannot trust myself to believe what he says is true, nor do i feel i can ever trust him again.''

so what ever he says or does he cannot be trusted?

''i said what i needed to say, heard some things i needed to hear....but yet again also gave him the opportunity to walk''

Why would you want him too?

''but i wish there was some way i could prove i am ill, ive done all i can to get the right help and that him having a little patience with me would go a long way to helping me get back on top and start rebuilding the trust we had''

you dont trust him to understand?

I really hope you find happiness with your family and trust both of you, and visa versa. Do you think he trusts you?

best wishes

Saffron

[thesloaneranger]

Hi sloane

I understand what you are going through its so hard to let that final barrier down eh. you said some really thought provoking stuff and I wanted to ask you about them, if you dont mind. you dont have to answer them, no pressure at all.

''but i just cannot trust myself to believe what he says is true, nor do i feel i can ever trust him again.''

so what ever he says or does he cannot be trusted?

''i said what i needed to say, heard some things i needed to hear....but yet again also gave him the opportunity to walk''

Why would you want him too?

''but i wish there was some way i could prove i am ill, ive done all i can to get the right help and that him having a little patience with me would go a long way to helping me get back on top and start rebuilding the trust we had''

you dont trust him to understand?

I really hope you find happiness with your family and trust both of you, and visa versa. Do you think he trusts you?

best wishes

Saffron

hi saffron

no worries in answering your questions - its been a bit of a long road, so hopefully ill be able to fill you in a bit better.

''but i just cannot trust myself to believe what he says is true, nor do i feel i can ever trust him again.''

so what ever he says or does he cannot be trusted?

he has told me so many lies and kept me in the dark about alot of things over the past 4 months that i now find myself being unable to work out if hes being honest, or trying to wiggle out out of a situation. something simple as the holiday he took a couple of weeks ago to tenerife - why did he have holiday paperwork on him to a different island in the canaries with another womans name and her kids on, as well as his??? same dates as when he was away, except he sent me pics showing him with friends of ours in tenerife. thats one example, but theres loads more.

''i said what i needed to say, heard some things i needed to hear....but yet again also gave him the opportunity to walk''

Why would you want him too?

i give him the opportunity to walk because i love him and dont want to be a burden. i want him to be with me because he wants to make our marriage work, not so that i can be used for business reasons or because he thinks he owes me something for all the time ive stood by him when hes been ill or we have been on the verge of losing everything we had ever worked for. on 2 occasions in the past week he has accused me of blackmailing him into staying by wanting to off myself - ive pointed out that if he wants to go again, he should go. i dont want to get hurt any more than i already have done.

''but i wish there was some way i could prove i am ill, ive done all i can to get the right help and that him having a little patience with me would go a long way to helping me get back on top and start rebuilding the trust we had''

you dont trust him to understand?

i dont trust him to understand as he calls me a nutter and keeps telling me to snap out of things and stop being so miserable. i wasnt depressed until he left me, and unfortunately im not going to get better overnight. im not apportioning blame though - just asking for a bit of patience. if i get triggered, i need a hug or a bit of reassurance and not told to stop "stop the crap and get a grip".

i know he trusts me as i take my marriage vows seriously and meant every word of them. if i decided i didnt love him or need him in the same way i did, i would be honest enough to say so and not go sneaking off behind his back. thats just not my style. up until a few months ago it wasnt his style either - we were a team and achieved so much together.

i hope thats kinda filled things in a wee bit for you saffron - now u know why trust is such a big issue! lol!

[profound1]

Hi sloane,

Blimey you are having a stressful time. It must be so difficult for you to rebuild that trust especially when other people have told lies about him, your thoughts must be all over the place I know mine would be. I think Dani's suggestion of trying to focus on the here and now rather than too much looking back is sound advice but I know it is easier said than done.

It is good that you have had a chance to chat with him, you gave him the chance to walk but HE CHOSE to stay, HE CHOSE to be with you. That is a good sign surely. I know it isn't easy but try not to put too much pressure on yourself, you are right you will not get better overnight but you are doing so much to try to help yourself and you need to take credit for that.

The passing of time will help you rebuild some trust in him and good communication on both parts is essential, have you told him you would like a little reassurance and hugs here and there instead of invalidating comments?. I want to wish you all the best and I hope that the depression improves as quickly as possible.

[saffron]

wow sloane I see what you mean.

you did strick a cord when you said yoiu felt like a burden when you are the one who is and have been doing everything to keep things going ie business, illness ect ect,. It seems you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I see what you mean about the holiday, does not make sense eh. what is his answer to this? Is it something you can just accept and put behind you.

Men say the stupidist things sometimes and have the knack of trying to trivialise things, I think it is their way of not having to deal with things. But I can fully understand that you feel he just does not understand you properly or maybe does not want to as it is easier to brush it off or run away. ( not what you want to hear I know) your feelings are valid and worthwhile. would it help if you insisted he does not try help in anyway but just shut up and give you a cuddle. sorry you haave probably tried till your blue in the face. one thing, Ive learnt is to leave the help to the experts and insist in just a nod and a cuddle.

getting back to working as a team when there has been a break is hard but not unacheivable. I really get the impression that you want this to work but sometimes you have to admit that he just cannot give you some of the support you require, mentally, which is really hard, I know as you do not feel fulfilled.

I really hope that things work out for you and you find peace and happiness. sorry I could not be more help.

My thoughts are with you. take care of you.

Saffron

[thesloaneranger]

thank you for your replies profound and saffron - it does mean alot. *hugs* hope you are both ok

i spoke to my counsellor about this yesterday and we are going to work on things so hopefully that will bear fruit soon. my confidence and self esteem are in the sewer which is not helping, but i can kinda see a little glimmer of hope now and again, which i wasnt seeing a few months ago so i hope with alot of work, a few hugs and a bit of patience we will get things sorted.

having said all of that, i was set off last night by him not bothering to come home til 10pm, was drunk and wouldnt tell me what was wrong. i totally believed it was because of me that he did that, but he said it wasnt - he had just had a rough day. ok, fine i said, tell me about it and if i can help i will, but he refused point blank to discuss things. as it is OUR business, i need to know if theres probs, so being kept in the dark doesnt help me and only feeds my paranoia and makes me feel that everything is my fault. i ended up cutting myself, which is something i do very very rarely and i hate myself for doing so, but i just needed the release.

however, today is a new today, yesterday is gone and im trying to build myself up again - swings and roundabouts! lol!

[saffron]

Hi sloane

Men can be such cavemen sometimes. I think they find it a lot harder to accept or talk about things that bother them, and do tend to withdraw into silence so they can work out their own problems, makes them feel more manly (sigh), apparently. However, It does not help you does it. Sometimes I think you have to stop worrying and concluding whats going on in his head and work on telling yourself that you are a strong, caring , loving and worthwhile woman that does not have to have him confirm that. quite frankly if he want to sulk then let him.

glad the counselling is going well. thinking of you, take care.

Saffron

[Roses]

Mine won the Olympic Gold Medal in summer 2004 for the best sulker. The competition was tough and the rules were strict....

he had to sulk for a continuing indefinite period

had to endure women asking him what's up and then getting angry when he didn't respond

several calls from the mother in law asking if he was OK

back to back Star Trek episodes playing constantly in the back ground all the time

2/3 children running around

and all the while had to stick his bottom lip out as far as he could and sit in a defensive position

He managed it though! ROFL xxxxx

[thesloaneranger]

lol roses!!! that made me laugh right when i needed one!

i agree saffron and roses that men are sulkers, but when you get a tiny breakthrough from their hard outer shell its great! things are ever so slightly better here, but it is still very much one day at a time

[Roses]

I'm glad I made you laugh, I sensed you needed that! Yeah, I joke about it cos him and I joke about it between us so I know he'd be OK with me saying what I did. Hope you are having a good day. xxxxx