Katherine Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 My flatmates' plane arrives in Heathrow at 9pm, in less that 2 hours. They could be home by ?11. They have been in India for the past 4 months. I am filled with anxiety and am just about managing now to emerge from a frozen state paralysed with fear under a blanket on my bed. The flat is totally clean and tidy. There are fresh flowers. I've got them stuff for toast, as their cupboard is bare. Everything is ready. Except me. I just want to hide and sleep it all away. I know from therapy today that there are many intense feelings, and that these feelings relate back to my relationship with my parents. So I'm trying to hold these feelings as well as stay with reality that "There is really nothing to fear." Even so, these questions haunt me- Will they like me any more? How do I behave with them? Will I like them now? Will my feelings matter, or will * I* be lost in the tumult of their return? I feel rather like a child, needless to say. I lay under my blanket and my room seemed so huge, a vast expanse of floor and there I was in the corner, small, much smaller than all the space around me. I felt helpless and alone. I wonder if it is a kind of flashback, me as a child at the mercy of my parents' behaviour, wants, wishes???? karie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTBadBug Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 Hi Kari, From all the posts I have read from your good self I am sure you will cope with the return of your flatmates, and if they find the nice person I read about on this site then they will be very pleased to see you. I doubt that I would have made the same effort as you have to prepare the place nicely with floweres for their return. I hope everything goes well for you. Did you manage to remove the stain from the bathroom? Well take one of my energy blasts and look after yourself, Jane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted March 9, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 Thanks Jane.... Yes, the stain went!!!!! On one hand there's the adult me making the flat nice for their return, and on the other hand there's my child self-in transference- desperately wanting to make things nice so they as 'mummy and daddy' will love me...That aches, o it aches....(I just want to be loved for being me, even if I left the place in a mess....but my clean-freak won't let me do that....) Just needing to vent about this... k. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 kari bless you just bless you xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTBadBug Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 Kari, I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you seek approval from everyone? I ask because I do, I am very close to my family but it would be lovely to be loved by someone outside it. It does good to 'vent' things sometimes. As for the stain, congratulations, I could not offer any help as I am just not domesticated in anyway. Well you take care, Jane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 ((((Kari)))) It will be ok! Can't see them not likeing you! as from what i have learnt about you over the last few months is your a loving and careing person Take care Traceyxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted March 9, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 Thanks Claire, Jane and Tracey, I'm touched by your responses. Jane, yes I do seek approval. I try *not to* but I still do. I still can't really get beyond "How else will anyone like me?" I'm going to have to go offline soon...have loads to write in my journal...and need to get ready for bed...still not sure whether to stay up for them. I guess I'll go to bed at 10ish and read and if I am awake enough when they get in then I'll go say Hi and Welcome Back and then plead tiredness and leave them to it. I just feel so socially awkward and clumsy and insecure at times like this. k. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktodee_27 Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 (((((((((((((((((Kari))))))))))))))))) It's scary, but you will do ok once the suspense of it all is over I'm sure and they are back. Just take a few deep breaths to relax and take the plunge. Very nice that you cleaned up by the way and put in new flowers and got them toast. The minute my roomies move in and put their stuff down, as nicely as possible but still in the "my house and not yours mode"I read off a list of rules since too many have taken advantage of me already! I'm just too overprotective now! And there's no new toast or flowers at least either! Just trying to make ya laugh a little.............. You'll do fine! I know you will! xxKatie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted March 9, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 :) Cheers, Katie!!!! The difference here is, its their flat, I'm their subletee/lodger.! (and I learned how to be house-proud from my Welsh Grandma!!!!!) karie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted March 9, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 P.S. Protective is good!!!! Its natural to protect our territory.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktodee_27 Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 The difference here is, its their flat, I'm their subletee/lodger.! (and I learned how to be house-proud from my Welsh Grandma!!!!!) lol not much you can do there. Very nice you learned that from your grandma. My family tried teaching me to be house proud, but I flunked the course every year. I only do it when I absolutely have to and more official people occupy space in my life for an afternoon or when people come and inspect the place from the system I live in pretty which is pretty soon top to bottom to see what needs fixing. Otherwise I'm too lax and don't clean until everything gets to be so messy that I have no plates to eat on, or can't find anything in a heap of papers on my table. If my man and I were living together, he would be the house wife over me since he is such a neat freak! I love that he puts up with me still and when I let him come in my place. He's a keeper. P.S. Protective is good!!!! Its natural to protect our territory.... Yes indeed! Katie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 Hi, Well, they will be home soon - so you need to relax, deep breaths - think nice thoughts about a place you feel very relaxed and safe in. Judging from what is being said on here, you have nothing to worry about - you are the perfect flat mate - you are you and that is good. Just try and relax, things often seem worse than they turn out, and I think it was Charlie Brown of the Peanuts cartoon fame that said "It was a waste of a good worry" Let us know how it goes - but it will be fine, if not better than fine Paul Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted March 10, 2005 Report Share Posted March 10, 2005 (((((((((((((((((((Kari))))))))))))))))))))))) Only just saw your post. I hope it went well with your roommates. Here for you. Em :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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