Like It Matters.

[Moonshine]

not exactly an eating disorder so wrong sub-forum....but didn't want to trigger anyone else.

I made myself sick today.

Remembered how easy it was.

Very natural.

I don't feel bad because i wanted to do myself damage and be violent.

But i feel weak.

Unimportant post that means absolutely nothing. Yeh i agree with you, i'd ignore it too, it isn't hard...just click the 'back' button. That's right make it all disappear. I would too, if this wasn't my life.

I'd get rid of it too if i could. I'm so useless.

I wish i could flush myself down the toilet.

I should very, very, very much be ignored tonight.

I'm in seperate selfs and cannot coordinate who is writing this post.

I want to yell but also curl up in fear.

My life is useless.

What lottery have i won to be here? Am i supposed to learn something other that what the bottom of toilet looks like?

Whatever.

It doesn't matter.

I don't matter.

Ignore.

Seriously.

[Barebones]

Hi hun,

why did you make yourself sick hun? was it food, or was it to try get rid of bad thoughts?

You said that you used to do it, if you are doing it because of food, it is very much an eating disorder hun.

I am really sry that you are being ignored or think you are hun, you don't seem to be in a great place at the moment. Would opening up to us help any? i am willing and totaly want to be here for you.

Hope to see you and hear you around hun.

take care, hope today is better for you.

[Moonshine]

I don't remember writing that post. I must have been in the middle of a parts power struggle.

I make myself sick after binge eating sometimes but it isn't really about the food, i eat to fill something that is missing, and i make myself sick because it is violent and for a few split seconds i cannot be in control. It offers a physical release from all the internal pain.

I'm having a hard time at the moment, i can see myself spiralling downwards - no energy, pain in chest, agitation, being self-destructive. I can see it happening but i don't know how to stop it. I desperately want people to care but i hate feeling claustrophobic as other peoples emotions bombard me. I feel trapped, i need time out to be alone. But that will not happen. I can't even go to my drs for help as the psychiatrist discharged me saying my problems weren't anything he could help with but that he was going to tell my dr not to give me any medication i can overdose on. So i have nowhere to go. I know i should just suck it up and deal with it, i know i am weak and should be more healthy. But the pain is so intense that i lose control of my actions and my mind narrows only to focus on being self-destructive.

Thank you for saying you are willing to be there for me. I wouldn't offer myself that kindness. I would attack me. But thankyou for saying that, often i feel so alone and hopeless.

[Barebones]

Yeah i understand totaly what your saying. I myself had power struggle with in myself, it came out in self distructive ways, the other part was trying to control and bring out the good in me. In that time it was so overwhelming, everything i tried to do came to nothing. I wouldn't either be kind to myself, my thinking was i deserved everything that i got, i am bad person, and so on.

My psychiatrist did the same he discharged me from hospital, at the time i thought omg another person trying to get rid of me. I found in the end it was the best thing for me at that time, i needed time away from it all, collect my thoughts and try my best to muddle through. It took 7 yrs i think later for me to approach my GP to be referred again, don't get me wrong, i was still in certain ways a total mess, but this time i was willing to listen and try not to react. The old pattern started to amerge again, i wasn't willing to try medication, so my psychiatrist wrote a letter to my therapist saying that he can't help me if i am not willing to try. I think it took few weeks later, when things was so bad, i phoned him up and said i am ready now to try another approach. It was the best thing i did for myself.

On the medication side of things in the position your in, i never od on prescibed drugs, it made no sense for me to do that, i allways used over counter, so i do understand why he has said that to your dr, he has to be responsible for you not being able to od and that, if he didn't do that, he could find himself in a position of neglegence.

There is alot of places around if you feel the need to talk or search for what will help you. I do understand you may not be ready, but try to reach out when in a dangerous place.

i hope that i brough some understanding in your situation, we are here if you need us.

xx

[Moonshine]

Yes it did help to bring understanding to my situation. I feel you understand. It is nice not to have to try and explain the inexplainable! Sometimes i feel with my therapist all i'm doing is trying to answer her questions so that she understands, but it cannot be understood, i don't understand me. And in the meantime i'm left repeating the same things over and over again because i don't know how to do anything differently.

Like you were, i am struggling to balance everything, it is as though if the control part gets her way too much, the violent, self-destructive part has to have a major blow out in order to stay sane and powerful. The vulnerable part doesn't even get a look-in. I am completely not prepared to let her be comforted, it makes me feel repulsed even thinking about that happening.

That is exactly what i think - he got rid of me, he doesn't care, he doesn't understand. I tried hard to be honest with him, but my controller is so good at pretending he didn't think i have a problem. I seem perfectly reasonable on the surface, certainly not someone that loses control of themselves to the point where they make themselves sick...just because they can! And maybe he's right, i don't want a mental illness, so it is good to be told that there isn't anything to be fixed by him, and i should just do therapy. But sometimes, the morning after the night befores destruction, i think - 'this isn't right, i shouldn't be doing this'. But i feel i'm being told constantly by professionals that i'm being over-dramatic in thinking something is wrong, so i squash down my feelings and yell at myself to get over it. I feel he said and confirmed what i was worried about - there is something fundamentally wrong with me which is why i act in this childish way. It can't be fixed because it goes straight to the core of me as a person. It is my fault.

I wasn't willing to try more medication either, i refused because on some manipulative level i wanted him to try and persuade me, to show me he cared. It backfired. In the past i've always done exactly what drs wanted, been good and not caused problems but i feel this led them to be blind towards my destruction. I didn't want to be left just religiously popping pills again, i find it hard to be healthy for me. I can do things for the sake of others, but then they usually forget about my pain when i'm good so i become destructive again. I can't care for myself. He told me to give my left-over pills to my mum but i'm not doing that - why should i do what he says when he doesn't care enough to help me?

I don't feel as if there is anywhere i can turn for help. I have a therapist for 50mins every week but i have noone to turn to inbetween. I contact the smaritans when things go very bad, but it makes me feel non-descript. There are many things i am not ready to do, like take personal responsibility. I already do all this alone but i cannot take that burden because i fear it means that people will turn their backs and expect me to do the impossible. Personal responsibility to me equals abandonment.

Your post really did help. It helped me make all these emotions that are flying around feel more concrete, and gave me some perspective. I know i cause the majority of my own problems, but i feel helpless in stopping it all.

I can't let that be an excuse.

Thank you for understand that i may not be ready. I always feel people expect me to be prepared to put in 'the hard work' to fix it all this so i 'can move on with my life'. But it is hard to do that when i don't feel life is worth anything. I appreciate you hearing and understanding that.

[Barebones]

hi hun,

thanks for sharing a bit more about you. It really helps to see even more where you are coming from, your therapist maybe be able to point or maybe write to some other therapy groups in your area, which could fill more of your time. See if there is any art therapy, music therapy, group therapy, craft clubs, physiotherapy. As i don't know where you are from, it is harder for me to suggest or say what is around your area, but your therapist should have knowledge.

I did art therapy, first time when in hospital, it didn't do anything for me, this past 5 or 6 years, it helped a bit more, but i still had mental block in actually able to do art, but at the time my therapist stuck by me and just talked instead.

Other therapy i went through was a place which was for people in crisis or needing to start learning into doing just the most fundemental things and work on diffrent ways of approach on my personality or what ever it is. That helped alot, the lady i had really helped me search for things to help me, like even meditating or staring at a point up in the roof to relaxe me, they offered alot of other stuff, groups and crafts. That place was for short term basis only, which was fine.

I also had pshysiotherapy, which i have started again, that helps with agression, depression, and other stuff.

I have just supplied the stuff above, just so you do have some info what is out there, thats when your ready to look into.

Keep talking and searching and ask questions, it is a good road to be down on, i understand that life is worth nothing, been in that place.

Speak to you soon.

[Moonshine]

Hi Barebones, thanks for taking the time to reply to me, it means a lot. I would have replied earlier but i had a really bad therapy session yesterday which basically escalated to the point where i was yelling and slamming my fists on the chair with bad images flashing through my mind. I feel detached now from it all so i don't really feel guilty or embarrassed, i feel more disappointed in myself, i really wanted to express the pain but as usual because i couldn't i resorted to anger. I can't seem to keep control, i feel i'm being dictated to!

I may try and ask my therapist about other support i can get especially for times when i feel very depressed because that really causes the difficulties, it is as though the anger levels are inversely proportional to the pain. I just need something to hold onto when i get to that point when the pain gets too much and i think 'why not?' to being destructive. I feel i need to find something/somewhere that connects me with something that fills something. I know that doesn't make any sense, but do you ever take a little object around for comfort and as a stabilizer? I do because it kinda reminds/focuses me on me so i don't get lost during the day. Sorry that probably makes no sense! My little things change but they can be like a little toy, a key chain, a bracelet etc. I used to have a garden in a park near me that i would sit in and when i was there i felt out of reality, it was so peaceful. I've moved now though and i'm back living with my parents so i can't just disappear like i used to. Everywhere here has a bad feeling to it, i know it is me putting judgemental memories on it, but i didn't like growing up so this town can't offer any freedom.

What do you do in art and music therapy? I can't imagine myself doing art therapy because i am not in the least bit creative and i get frustrated easily when things aren't quite so. urg...i hate this, all i seem to be is pure anger, how pathetic. Do group therapies work? I can imagine causing real havoc, or just slipping silently into the background and feeling ignored. I like the idea of physiotherapy, someone else has mentioned yoga can be helpful. But to do all this i really need to get myself into the helping myself mode and not continue being the helpless victim waiting for someone to help me climb out of this hole i'm in. It is incrediably hard though to give up on that thought that someone might care enough to hold my hand step by step through all of this. I think the problem is that i don't trust that i'll do a very good job of taking care of myself.

Thank you for understanding and caring enough to reply. Is it silly that this comment alone made me feel valued?

thanks for sharing a bit more about you.

It means an awful lot.

[Barebones]

Hi Moon,

nice to see you back, totaly understand bad sessions in therapy, i was opposite, i would vent in my head and dissociate, my therapist was very aware of that someday i would vent out, i think he would of prefered that, he has told me that he was wary of me, because he wouldn't know what may trigger for me to explode, which could be directed at him in a physical way. So unless your therapist said what you do was unappropriate, most therapist is diffrent in there approach, alot would like the person to act out rather than act in.

My acting in lead to some leaks in my time, one was keying my psyciatrists car, well what you expect from a fissed up bottle looking for release?

On the art therapy, it was more about drawing or painting what was going on in your head, its away for release in away that is less damaging, also the therapist can read alot from what you did, and they will talk over things with you. The times i did paint, or draw, very occasional, it was black, red majority of the time, my therapist was able to understand it.

The physiotherapy, i would think would be your cup of tea, you was like me, angry, lots of energy. Excercise and that would really help get it all out in a controled way, aswell as wind you down. Just think about it, no harm thinking, your steps after that will come when ready.

The stabiliser? many years i carried around my music, it helped me go on buses, all kinds of general activity, it was also an escape route also, music was my voice and feelings, as somtimes i wasn't able to communicate properly. I also had other things aswell. so you have made sense, you be surprised how many people do this.

Hope to see you back, and glad you do feel valued.

xx

[Moonshine]

It is really good to hear your experiences, it helps to know someone gets it! Thanks for reassuring me about therapy. How did you feel your therapist telling you he felt wary of you? I don't think i could handle hearing that because i'd interpret it as him hating me. I dissociate in therapy too but usually more when i feel vulnerable - urg it's horrid i feel for you, i'm glad that my anger can prevent it from happening sometimes. I can't believe you keyed his car haha, did you tell him?! I do understand that fizzed up feeling.

Yeh that's exactly me - angry and agitated. I think physiotherapy might be a good path to go down. I did find going to the gym helpful, if only because for half an hour my mind is focused instead of buzzing. Unfortunately it is easier to be destructive than healthy.

I understand using music as a stabiliser. If i can't sleep i put a song on repeat, it helps calm me knowing it isn't going to change. It is a difficult process though because if i can't find the right song i get more frustrated and it is a vicious circle!

thanks for caring barebones.

[Barebones]

Hi moon

How i felt about being told they was wary? i was spit in two about how i felt on that, one thought was yes i got one up on someone who was supperior to me, (wrong kind of thinking, however i had major issues with authority figures at the time) second thought, was and empty thought, didn't care, didn't really want to acknowledge it, ( basicly very uncertain, as i have only ever striked at a person in response to aggressivness) the other ways was to things and myself.

On the keying of the car? lol that was totaly an abandoment feeling. What happend when i got home, was the police came to my door, as my pdoc had to report it regardless. The police said to me they was giving me a warning, even though my pdoc didn't want to press charges, was that if they wanted to they will proceed, the rest is a fog, i was only warned, i can't remeber my response to them, i could pretty much guess what i would of been like, don't care what you do kind of thing approach. It took until the time i said in the post prior, when i went to gp and was referred back to him, which i apologised for doing that to his car. I think he understood why it happened, and it didn't stop him for treating me.

Here is a little fun story on another acting out occasion, when me and my BF had splitted up, but we was still sex buddies or when he felt like seeing me, was me and my cousin went to where he was at for the evening at friends, his motorbike was out side as normal, i had tampons and sanitary towls, i stuck them all over his bike aswell as up exhaust, i guess you could picture his response to this, he had no clue at the timie who did it, i think it was later in our marriege i told him or it could of been before when back together, now he laughs about it.

I have many little funny story where my acting out would come in funny forms lol

Yup and your right physiotherapy and i found the gym very much a great help in releasing the anger channel in right way, and yes it is easier to be destructive, however once you are able to break out of the circle of desctruction even in small way, it can be benificial to solving other problems. It breaks the habit and repetative behavour we can have. My SH was said by my sister was look at it like a comfort blanket, so how do you get unatatched to your blankey? by breaking the cycle and withdrawing it slowely over time. Hope that made sense?

Oh and i am with ya on the music if you dont have the right song, even if i picked wrong song, could bring a reversal of my mood, which would if i thought i was in a ok mood, then bang i would go, maybe that was a good thing, as if you are unsure of the mood, that makes it iffy, and i had plenty of iffy moods which could swing at any time to any direction.

Moon, i am really enjoying this conversation with you, it makes me explore more of myself and also i am able to communicate to you in away that you understand, also that we both have anger issues. I have only seen the same anger i had in mainly in men with BPD or other PDs, but now i see myself that i am not alone in having this very extreme anger. Some other girls i know over time i found that they have same issue.

Thanks for caring yourself moon, like i say, i am enjoying this convo and i am glad that your able to open up a bit, trust i had allways an issue with, it is nice to be trusted a little bit.

speak soon i hope.

[Moonshine]

I'm enjoying having this conversation too, it has been really useful! It is good to communicate with someone who gets it. I never feel my anger is acceptable so i have to bite down on my anger constantly! (perhaps that is why there is a lot more guys with more external anger issues than girls, it is more socially acceptable for a boy to be aggressive??) It is a real pain, i try hard not to reveal my anger but it still seeps out and so despite my best efforts friends/family still think of me as an angry person. It makes me wonder what they'd think if i let them see it all!

I understand having contrasting emotions. I am an incrediably paranoid person, so if a therapist called me wary i'd instantly think i was bad/evil because i caused this person to feel threatened. However in contrast i'd also feel gleeful. It is terrible to admit but i would feel empowered and in control. My therapist often remarks on my language in therapy, e.g - the other day she said something that i reluctantly had to agree made sense, and i said 'i have the concede that point'. She said this made it sound as though we were doing battle - of course we're doing battle, every relationship i have is a battle to feel in control. I can be indifferent but this is more emotional numbing than true indifference.

Is it bad to say sometimes i wish i could do something to get my therapists attention? You must have felt that your pdoc really cared if he was willing to not press charges and to still see you again. I don't think i could key my therapists car or stick tampons on her windscreen wipers though to get that result! Your aggression has a creative streak that's for sure...i can just imagine how bemused your bf must have been! All i seem to do is yell and then send around cards apologising. I should really just bulk buy! It seems so ridiculously civilised to send/give a card to someone i've just blown up at but that's what i'm compelled to do. hohum.

Huh, what your sister said makes sense. My mind jumps to SH if anything uncomfortable or unsettling happens (which is fairly often). My difficulty is that for long chunks of time i shut down and don't do what my mind wants me too, e.g. be destructive, and i think this makes things build up until i have a weekend when i am a frenzy of destructiveness. Sometimes i wonder what is best - lots of small destruction or one big bad destruction episode? Sometimes after a big destruction i feel light, like i've reset a timer back to 0 seconds.

I'm really glad you are getting something out of this conversation. Sometimes i feel so fundamentally evil because i can be so angry and out of control, so it is good to hear some stories and advice that offer me perspective. I have a tendency to go to extremes with everything.