Anyone Else The Same?

[piuma]

ok so i have had binge eating disorder since i was a teen, although problems with food started way earlier. i then swung between binge eating and bullimia although i have always really been more on the binge eating side. i just wondered.....i had a conversation with my big sister who sadly has had heroin addictions, she is now on meth and getting better. but we have talked about the similarities. how for me its not just the food. i start by obsessing bout it all day, after not eating anything im doing 'sooo well' to then getting the money togther knowing exactl how much it all costs how many binges i can get out of the money, then ritual, of preparing it, this is important, then cooking it, then finally, and this is often the least satisfying part, eaating it, what follows, depends on my mood. anyway back to the convo with my sis, she said its the smae for her, getting the money, getting the fix, getting ready etc.... when i first diagnosed with this peiople turned their noses up at it, saying that its just greedyness and there is no addiction involved, but im sorry i dissagree.. its horrible and tormenting. when i was in hospital, i found the first week amazing, no binging, this gave me power, i could refuse food, and then when i did eat i could purge,,,,,,how ever i soon found a way of getting binge food in, and from then it all went wrong.... nobody in hospital prevented me from starving purgin or binging, infact they seemed to nothing about eating disorders at all, but then i guess it wasnt a specialist unit in ed.....anyway does anyone else with binge eating have the same sort of rituals??

[tizzywizzy]

Hello, I am totally singing from the same songsheet as you. Have just put other posts up on 'food and me' and 'bloody binging'. My food issues started when I was about 9, with purging. Then a habit formed of emotional control over my intake and purging when I needed cleansing, even though I didn't understand it then. Within a year the binges started and I fluctuated between the joy of purging to cleanse myself and sitting with the full feeling for emotional comfort. As I hit early puberty my weight piled on, especially when I had to stop sports due to a health condition. My weight since then has soared and I am at my heaviest. There have been ups and downs in my weight due to cicumstances. At the moment food is my primary addiction and control issue. I am in DBT therapy yet food is not high on the agenda of issues to deal with despite my obesity. I find it the hardest subject to be honest about, I guess that's why it is so good to talk on here. Thanks to you all for your honesty, it helps to know I'm not alone in this shameful battle. Tizz xx

[majickratty]

I can totally relate.

I have the same feelings around food and often despite my size, there is little or no time spent talking about wy I am the way I am in therapy. I have group therapy with a bunch of other bpd-ers many of whom have eating difficulties in the other direction and are very underweight. often the group will turn to them and a discussion will start about under eating and control, which I can totally relate to but rarely there is time mad for those of us who binge sometimes until we are sick and other times just eat uncontrollably.

my story with food started when I was about 6 or 7 years old, before that I had been a normal weight, this coincided with the time i was sttarting to be abused by my cousin and I dont think there has been a time when I have eaten normally since.

I have been on radically restrictive diets and spent the whole time obsessing and fretting over food, losing weight rapidly and becomming obsessed with starving myself and then afterwards putting all the weight back on as I seem to have 'no control'.

When I was younger and couldnt cook I used to eat frozen food, like fish fingers-still frozen (!) or spoons of flour and sugar just to get a fix.

my parents used to put me on diets, before i was ten years old, making me plot out my weight on graphs and offfering incentives for weight loss, which I think, despite being with the best intentions has jsut caused me to become even more obsessed with food, weight and calories as I have got older.

I was bullied at school because of my size and weight and often have comments from complete strangers about my size which i just laugh off and walk away from, but inside I am crumpling like an old empty paper bag which i then go home and fill.

Living this way for me is absolute hell, I often feel suicidal because of it-as well as other factors- but I dont know a way out.

thnk you so much for your post I appreciate your honesty, it makes me feel less alone, \Im just sorry I wasnt the one who had 'the answer' for you.

majick x

[mayleigh]

I know what you mean about the "ritual" being the best part. I lcoe choosing my binge foods and getting them all out and ready. I'll sit at the table or sofa with my binge food on the coffee table and ill organise it all first, Setting out my 1st eats and then my 2nd eats.

this is the best part.

Like you the actual binging is actually the least satisfying part of it all.

I understand what u mean

xxx

8-)

[an9i]

Anyone seen 'leaving las vegas' when the character played by Nick Cage, who is an alkie, is shown in the supermarket filing his trolley with loads of bottles of booze and looking really happy and euphoric as he does this? It used to be like that for me when I was a compulsive eater, going into the supermarket and choosing all the crap I was going to eat was almost the best part. By the time I had bought it and eaten more than the first few mouthfuls though it didn't really taste of anything any more it was just a matter of stuffing it all in as fast as I could until I couldnt' move anymore.

So I completely understand where you are coming from

[tizzywizzy]

Just had yet another fuck=off binge tonight and now having the shame, self-anger etc. Want to purge but not to well at moment and know that the strain of puking will prob do more harm than good. Sorrry if this trigger and shouln't be on this post piuma or others, no offence intended. Just needed to confess to those that understand.

[72879252]

Hya iv got bulimia too. Im only 16 and i dont know what I can do about it. I started making myself sick afta my ex boyfriend dumped me. Ive lost 4 kg in 3-4 weeks. I never knew it would happened to me to be honest. Now i need help and i know it but .... to be totally honest I dont want to stop making myself sick because I hope it will help me loose weight and maybe help to get my ex boyfriend back ... anyone had the same problem ....

[Jaimie_CS]

chelsea, i know how hard it is, the situation you're in, i was there nearly 2 years ago, i cant believe you've got the sense to admit to yourself that what you're doing is a bit messed-up, it took me almost a year to stop lying to myself.

same reason as you, because i didnt really want to stop.

please, please go to a doctor as soon as you can, im sure everyone will tell you the same thing - the longer you do it, the harder it is to stop. go through all the bulimia posts here and see what its done to us. you dont want to end up where i am - finally wanting to stop, desperately, but having made a whole lifestyle out of it and finding it impossible.

please dont keep doing it, there are other ways, healthy ways to lose weight and this will only make your life worse, not better.

and as for getting your ex-boyfriend back, he's probably not worth it (they never are) but if he is, bulimia is not going to make you a more desirable person, you'll trade a few kilos for dry, bad skin, dull hair, bloodshot eyes, and a constant aroma of vomit. you might think you got rid of it all, but you never do.

and the weight loss wont continue, throwing up isnt actually as effective as we'd like to think, and you will eventually only maintain your weight, and more likely put some back on.

goodluck hon. xx.