Shelley Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Longest bout of anxiety Ive ever had, from the moment I woke up with that feeling of doom as if something really bad is about to happen. Got worse when H went out, so I took myself off to bed, didn't sleep just curled up into a ball, shaking and sweating and it feels like im physically dieing, I feel really scared, not had this before, heart beat almost non existant, shallow breathing, words are blurred, cant speak, ball of pain in my stomache like im full up with anxiety, very depressed too, could it be because Ive come down 20mg on my Diazapam now ? though I havn't been going any faster and I havn't had anything like this before. What's up with me ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelley Posted July 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 DISTRACT DISTRACT :unsure: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starryeyesee Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 hello sorry to hear your having such a horrible time. it could be a comedown, try to distract like you said,hubby will be home soon so maybe he can do something for you to feel better. sorry not much help, but i have duvet dived before so i know that feeling of doom. take care helen x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelley Posted July 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Couldn't stand it any longer took Thursday mornings Diazapam, will have to go to ACORN without having any Diazapam, which will be shit. H is back, but he's crap at making me feel better, infact I havn't even told him, and the fact that he hasn't noticed say's a lot about our relationship. :rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelley Posted July 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Fuck it, now I feel like topping myself, I can't live this way anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 sry your going through this anna. take care, i don't have any words to help just now. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelley Posted July 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Every thing seems scary, H..the kids people in general, I panick when the phone rings, I can't answer it, if someone knocks on the door I run into the toilet and lock the door, I feel so frightened, I dont want to live, I want to die. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImmortalSoul Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Anna, im so sorry you're going thru this. Ive contemplated it today. Me and my partner split up on Thursday but this wkend we had been talking and he even said he thinks he has made the biggest mistake of his life by finishing it. He even asked that if he has the money can he still come down as our relationship is long distance. Yesterday I did not hear frm him at all and its really killing me. I too curled up in a ball in my bed, crying til I had no more tears to cry So i decided that I need to know where I stand and thinking about going up there 2mrw. Its a 7hr train journey. Is it all worth it? I still dont know but I know that if I dnt I wont be here much longer. If you wish u can privately message me if u think it helps. Could do with a friend xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted July 21, 2009 Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Feeling so vulnerable and fragile is a very hard place to be, I know. Can you explain what it is you're scared of, exactly? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted July 22, 2009 Report Share Posted July 22, 2009 it does sound like it might be the less diazapam not helping. when you take something to help with anxiety and then reduce it its always possible that the anxious feelings will come back. i know they are horrible feelings to have. can you talk to your doctor and discuss whether this could be it and whether there is anything they can do, maybe reduce it a bit slower? xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelley Posted July 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2009 Slept well, woke with that feeling of doom, still feel like im dieing, can't speak, this reminds me of a bad trip I had when I was 16 after 11 hot knives of hash. Only then I felt better the next day, so whats going on ? I havn't been smoking, I took a little extra codiene yesterday, but that's not unusual. And a little extra procyclodine, but that's not unusual iether. I really feel like im dieing, slowly, that im slipping into unconciousness, my anxiety levels are through the roof, and I feel terrified of what might happen to me. This is some pretty fucking heavy shit, maybe this is what happens when you are on 11 different medications, and you abuse three of them ? It's like a bad trip, and there is nothing I can do about it because I don't know what's caused it! I did some googling and came up with EGO DEATH that can happen though taking drugs, but I don't think It's that, though it might be, I dont know. Nothing seems real,Its like a waking nightmare, everything is blurred, H is carrying on like nothings happening and I hate him for it. What would he say if I said 'I feel like im dieing' 'don't be silly' probably. So what's the point. What if I disacotiated yesterday and took a lot of Co-Codamol, what if this fear is real, and I am really dieing of liver damage, you have to get the Parvolex within 48 hours, but if I go to a+e what am I going to say ? 'oh, I feel like im dieing only I can't remember if I took an overdose or not!' They won't take me seriously. I can't tell by looking through my stash of Co-Codamol if I've taken a lot or not, as it's all just shoved into a high cupboard and is a totall mess. It could be paranoia...but what's triggered the paranoia ? Going on holiday next Monday ? I don't fucking think so. Im scared out of my wits. I don't know what the fuck to do, wish H would piss off so I can phone someone, CPN, or ACORN councillor. Fuck off H..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted July 22, 2009 Report Share Posted July 22, 2009 11 different medications.. Oh my god. What are you on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paris Posted July 22, 2009 Report Share Posted July 22, 2009 if you feel you may have taken an od of cocodamol then i would urge you to go and have bloods done. Just say to them you werent well and you may have taken an od and you would like bloods done and im sure they will be fine with it. let us know how you get on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelley Posted July 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2009 Had to tell H, couldn't hide it any more, rang my ACORN councillor and she said see my GP today so I have an apt. at 17:00 Medications: Citalapram Diazapam Procyclodine Co-codamol Zolpidem Propranolol Mirtazapine Quetiapine Acamprosate Tramadol O.K. So 10 not 11 but even so! Im terrified, I have never felt like this, this anxiety is literally crippeling me, I go to bed, get up, pace the floor, over and over, I feel sick with fear, I really feel unwell, 17:00 is a looooong way away. I get what your saying Paris, but that would mean going to the larger a+e which is 40 miles away, and I cant do the public transport thing feeling like this, im likely to throw myself in front of it. shit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted July 22, 2009 Report Share Posted July 22, 2009 Less than an hour to go now. Let us know how it goes. Were all those meds prescribed by one doc? Just wondering when you last had a review.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelley Posted July 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2009 Well, im not dieing, asked her to check pulse, blood pressure and pupils, all slightly raised but that was because I was anxous, pupils a bit big but with that much medication it's to be expected. lol. Got Diazapam withdrawel symptoms, anxiety, shaking, sweating, the runs ect...Propranolol doubled to ease symptoms, and Imodium lol. Even got a hug off H when I came home! (unheard of!) H has fixed it with my Mum that she has the kids tommorow so H can take me to ACORN on the train and bring me home after the group session. So, it's all hunky dory then! Some meds were prescribed by my GP, some by various pdocs along the way, not alot of communication goes on between the two me thinks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted July 22, 2009 Report Share Posted July 22, 2009 Longest bout of anxiety Ive ever had, from the moment I woke up with that feeling of doom as if something really bad is about to happen. Got worse when H went out, so I took myself off to bed, didn't sleep just curled up into a ball, shaking and sweating and it feels like im physically dieing, I feel really scared, not had this before, heart beat almost non existant, shallow breathing, words are blurred, cant speak, ball of pain in my stomache like im full up with anxiety, very depressed too, could it be because Ive come down 20mg on my Diazapam now ? though I havn't been going any faster and I havn't had anything like this before. What's up with me ? I don't wanna scare you, Anna, but it sounds like what I have been experiencing due to taking diazapam intermittently and over a long time. The only difference being that my heart thumped its way though the day. It really is awful. Before I realised it was the diazapam causing it, I thought I was having some form of nervous breakdown. Not only did it feel bad mentally, but it also felt bad physically. The panic would hit me on waking, and it would take till evening for it to improve. Not eating made the panic worse, yet, at the same time, I could only face fruit, like apples and bananas. I am now being referred to the addiction people attached to our psych services here. They, apparently know about benzos. The z-drugs are the same, zolpidem and zopiclone. I have been put on a slow taper to come off valium, because cold turkeying off it is dangerous and potentially life threatening. I cold turkeyed about a month off low dose valium, but I wouldnt recommend it, I was ill, and it was unbearable. Cold turkeying off it might have damaged me more. Many people do, however taper safely, so long as they do it slow enough. The pills also caused more anxiety for me, because I was going into withdrawals, while on them, which is characteristic of benzos. My self harm shot through the roof, as did loads of other symptoms. http://www.thetrap.org.uk/ This site is where I have been getting amazing support from. Frankly, I was in such a state, I don't know what I would have done without that site. I strongly recommend visiting that site. I know I am anxious/depressed anyway, but the diazapam withdrawals magnified it to unbearable levels. The help I got on that site, and the addiction treatment I am getting off my GP/therapist/drugs workers would not have happened without their help. I am a benzo addict, care of the NHS. I don't blame them though, doctor only did her best what she knew. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelley Posted July 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 Thanks SW, I may join that forum, I actually already have it on favourites, just havn't really been bothered with it yet, but as my anxiety grow's who knows. The doubled dose of Propranolol has helped alot. Made my ACORN therapy session #3 today, was a good topic 'high risk situations' which was espeacially helpfull as im going on holiday next week and I know I will be tempted to drink because im not an alcoholic on holiday..[sarcasm implied] Next week's session has been postponed to the following week, which means I won't miss a group, which is good, because it's the last one. Im going to miss it, have made some freinds... But maybe I'll see them in rehab... SW..Im reducing by 2mg a week, untill I get to 20mg, then I will come off the rest in a rehab unit,(7 week inpatient programme) Ive come down by 20mg allready, so nearly there. Im also a benzo addict curtesy of the NHS, I have also since learnt that Diazapam should never be prescribed to an alcoholic, however I do admit to being manipulative in getting the dose increased, over and over. Regardless of who's to blame, I am concentrating on getting off the stuff, and that's the main thing. Diazapam is highly addictive, it can be your best freind for a while but your worst enemy for a long time,when it turns round and smacks you in the teeth, It's evil, and the hardest drug to come off, its worse than heroin (and before anyone argues that fact do some research!) Never take Diazapam for more than two weeks,to avoid becoming addicted, and I would urge people to try a herbal alternative first, such as Quite Life or Kalms. Peace xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 Hey anna, Diazapam is a beast, glad your making head way in this. Good luck in rehab. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelley Posted July 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 Thanks BB xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 Anna You will feel so much better off the benzos but it sounds like you are tapering far too quickly. Too rapid a taper can actually cause more trouble. A slow careful taper, which you have control of, is the way forward, with minimal symptoms. Alcohol can also exacerbate symptoms. I only had a glass of wine the other week, and the next day, I was hugging my knees. This is because alcohol, like diazepam, and other benzos, can bind to the GABA receptors. I would not trust GP's, while they geniunely want to help, their knowledge is limited on benzos. I took a copy of the ashton manual in to my GP, and she asked to keep it. She will be much richer for what she learns by reading it. She will be an even better doctor for her patients who take benzos. A very small percentage of doctors know what is in the ashton manual. Professor Ashton who wrote it, is a benzo recovery expert, and has worked with many addicts (I hate that term) Thetrap, that site, I am on, can give you much more expert advice than me. They know more than doctors, believe. The people on thetrap are not patronising at all. It is a very friendly, easy to talk to forum, and its full of experts. The addicts who join have also helped me, because they have put what they learnt from thetrap, and the ashton manual into practice, and I am just starting out. Basically, if it wasnt for them, I would be f)cked. I have started a daily regime of 3.5mgs diazepam in the morning, as that is my worst time. I only started the regime on sunday, and because I am not yo-yoing my brain with varying amounts of valium, my selfharm symptoms have greatly reduced. They ramped up on the valium, and I am so glad they have subsided, cos self harm scares me whitless. They also know about other drugs like propranolol. I am glad your acorn service group went really well. I used to drink daily for years, now I am coming off valium, even one drink sends me 'on one' when it wears off, proper knee hugging panic. Can you keep away from alcohol triggers on holiday, I know its difficult. I still feel triggered now and again to drink, but given the last few times and the sh1t afterwards, i am too scared to. I am liking fruit juice, I know its boring, but it has that same cold refreshing bit as lager, without the shit feeling after. I am glad you were able to rearrange your group so you would not miss the last one. I cant wait for my drug and alcohol team to contact me, my T referred me on tuesday. I need the support off line as well as on. Maybe you can keep in touch with friends from the group, so long as it is not a trigger. I am triggered when around some of my friends, its not their fault, its just my fragile mind state, new from addiction. About the tapering you are proposing. Even rehab groups detox too rapidly off benzodiazapines and hypnotic drugs. I am amazed just how few professionals are unaware of the content of the ashton manual. I keep reading about members of 'thetrap' educating their doctors, but its all good. I also felt like I blagged my valium prescription, but, hey, blagging extra drugs is but another symptom. Addiction itself, is a symptom. We cannot help our symptoms, but its good to be aware, so we can avoid anything that adds to our sh1t. I would just hate it to see other people go through the shit I have gone through with benzos. I did a one month turkey off them, - never again, I reinstated at the doctors ok, but now I am fighting the valium and never increasing. I don't think its about blame. Our doctors want to help us in the best way they know how, and how can they help it if they were never shown. So long as, like my doc, your doc is happy to learn some new stuff, all should be well. I do strongly advise you not to taper too quick and to join thetrap. I am not on commission from it, but as it stopped me getting f)cked by benzos, I am desperate for others to be helped by it too. Gawd only knows what other selfharm I would have done this week. I am unpredictable with selfharm, a bit like my dad with violence, only he never cut me or made me bleed. Diazapam is worse than heroin. There is the psychological side with both, and the cluck with heroin, but valium cluck is far worse, if tapered off too quickly. Symptoms can be minimized by a slow gentle taper. Put it this way, I never have to go through that shite I went through again, so long as I, myself taper slowly. There are foods and drinks and supplements and herbs to avoid while tapering off diazepam. Stuff to avoid, so your symptoms are not too harsh. I am still learning, so once again, I would suggest you visit thetrap. Anna, I hope I am not going on, I just know that they can help you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelley Posted July 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 Thanks SW. I will join theTRAP forum today as I feel, from reading your post that I could learn a lot from other benzo addicts. Im not drinking, I havn't had a drink for 20 months, and I know that Diazapam and alcohol really don't mix! You think 2mg a week is too much ? ACORN wanted me to drop 10% a week! I couldn't do It, so I dicsussed it with my pdoc and we decided 2mg a week would be more tolerable. I know that in rehab they will get me off my last 20mg in 8 day's.........SCARY! But it is a safe enviroment. Your not going on...I have enjoyed reading your post's, and knowing that I am not alone in this struggle. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaimie_CS Posted July 24, 2009 Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 I dont mean to shift the focus of your thread anna, but - The 'episode/meltdown/whatever' you described in your first post - I've been through that 3 or 4 times now, and im not on any medication. its the reason im so desperate to be on meds because i cant handle feeling that way any more, or ever again. but the way you all talk about your addictions to meds, the combinations, the seemingly clueless doctors, withdrawals and rehab etc. its scaring the shit out of me. I have super-addictive personality (der) and im scared that ill manipulate my doctors instead of letting them do their job, im worried about my doctors not being good enough, im worried that i wont take my meds, or thats ill abuse them.......all the things i read about hear, and hear from other patients. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelley Posted July 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 SW...I joined theTRAP, but wish I hadn't as I read some very fucking scary story's, and the list of withdrawel symptoms I can expect to suffer in rehab, now Im shitting bricks, now im not so positive, now I don't even know if I want to do rehab, maybe I should just continue reducing by something like 1mg a week, it's really upset me, im not blaming you, I know you are trying to help, and it is probably good that I know the facts, but im a totall fucking mess now, I knew it woulds be hard, but that shit ? No, not a clue! Jesus fucking christ! Going to dive under my duvet so the kids don't see me cry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted July 24, 2009 Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 Thanks SW. I will join theTRAP forum today as I feel, from reading your post that I could learn a lot from other benzo addicts. Im not drinking, I havn't had a drink for 20 months, and I know that Diazapam and alcohol really don't mix! You think 2mg a week is too much ? ACORN wanted me to drop 10% a week! I couldn't do It, so I dicsussed it with my pdoc and we decided 2mg a week would be more tolerable. I know that in rehab they will get me off my last 20mg in 8 day's.........SCARY! But it is a safe enviroment. Your not going on...I have enjoyed reading your post's, and knowing that I am not alone in this struggle. xxx 2mg a week is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too fast to taper off benzos. When tapering off benzos it has to be sloooooooow, and the person has to be in control of their taper. Did you go to that site? they will give you some advice on how to taper. Too quick a taper will harm you. People on that site will also tell you what to say to your doc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.