Looking For Help

[A_Normal_Girl]

I haven’t ever wrote in anything like this, so if I stuff up, I’m sorry, I suppose I am just lost, looking for someone who can tell me what to do, for some support and guidance. Also if I am writing this in the wrong place or I am just ‘going on’ I apologise.

Well here it goes. I am a ‘normal’ 16 year old girl from Kent who has just finished with the stress of GCSEs, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink excessively, I get good grades in school, have never got in trouble with the police, I’m polite to teachers and that, respect people, I just like listening to music and just chilling out with my friends. I put normal in quotation marks because that is what people think. I’m not normal I know that. My friends (bar one) don’t know what really goes on with me, they know I have mood swings, can be stressy and have a short temper, but they just put it down to hormones. It’s not. Well some of it may be but they don’t know the truth. It’s not that I don’t trust any of my friends, I’m not sure what it is – why I’m not telling them the truth, I sort of think it’s because I don’t want to lose them, to be judged – to be seen as a ‘freak’ or whatever. To be honest I’m not sure what to put on here. Well scare of what to put on here. Firstly with what only about 4 of my closest and most trusted friends know, I am a self harmer. Those friends know this but they don’t know why, only one does. It’s not because I’m looking for attention, trying to be a part of a group, or because the GCSEs are too stressful. It’s because I get told to, well I have to ‘or else’. I hear voices mainly one sometimes more. I have done for around 5 or so years. I don’t know why. And it scares me greatly. It tells me to cut or ‘bad things’ will happen to my friends and the people I love and am close to. ‘blood for blood’. I don’t fully understand it but I know if I don’t do it something bad will happen. Or if I have an argument with someone it ‘winds me up’ mimicking the insults or the things that have been said until I punch out at a wall or whatever, I barely ever hit people unless I get very angry then I don’t realise what I am doing until after.

Once I didn’t cut when I was told to, and a couple of days later I found out my best mate had self harmed, I convinced myself this was because I didn’t do it so it hurt her instead, I felt over come with guilt, I felt so terrible that this had happened and it was my fault. I felt rock bottom, the lowest of the low. I couldn’t look my mate in the eye for days maybe weeks. This friend is the same one that knows about me hearing it so I told her, she told me repeatedly that it wasn’t because of the voice and that it was her own ‘stupid mistake’, but I didn’t believe her, I thought this was the moment I saw the ‘power of the voice’ in action, me and her drifted apart for a while things didn’t feel comfortable around each other like normal, I think this was because I believed it was my fault and couldn’t look her in the eye. Until I felt so low I thought I would do something about it, I am asthmatic and I was just thinking about what I had done and what was my fault and I took some drugs not an OD but some drugs I know I wasn’t allowed to take with my asthma, I had a big attack and was taken to hospital. They didn’t find out about the drugs and blamed it on the weather and I was sent home the following day. When my mate found out she did have ago at me, she had every right to, and she again was saying It wasn’t the voice that made her do it – to be honest I still am not sure if it was or not. But I tried to put it to the back of my mind because I could see it was effecting my friendship, I didn’t want to lose my best friend, the only one that knows the truth, the only one that had been there for me. Well she told me that I should try writing on one of these forum things. So here I am.

I have heard voices as I said for 5 or so years, it just happened, the only thing I can think of that happened around 5 years ago was the death of my Nan who I was extremely close to. The voice wasn’t frequent at that time. Just now and then, I was just 11 or so, I didn’t understand what was happening, not at all, so I didn’t tell anyone. But lately maybe due to stress or hormones or whatever I don’t know, things have got worse, more frequent, sometime I could hear it every day for maybe a week or so, then it can stop for weeks or just be now and then, but I am too embarrassed and afraid of being judged and losing my friends to get help or tell people. I now self harm almost every day, even if I don’t hear it, I’m not sure if it’s as a Precaution, a way of coping or maybe just a habit. If I don’t have a razor blade on me or know where one is I feel anxious and can’t sit still or think about anything other than not knowing where one is. I went through a faze where when I entered a room even if at someone else’s house I could scan the room and find things that I could used to cut, pathetic and sick I know. A couple of my close friends know about my cutting as they have seen the cuts on my palms or knuckles (I don’t slit my wrists, just hands, hips, tops of legs and rarely but sometimes bottom of legs and tops of arms and underside of boobs) they just don’t know why, I just say it’s my way of dealing with things, basically I Lie to them, I lie a lot, too much to the people I care about, it is just excuse after excuse.

I don’t only hear ‘the voice’ sometimes I see things that are not there, feel things which are not there. The visions are sometimes very frightening; yep it scares me, a lot. That probably sounds stupid or pathetic that I am scare of something that isn’t even there. I have also quite often have had suicidal thoughts and at 16 have attempted suicide 4 or so times over the last 2 years. Without my best mate the one who knows about the voice I don’t think I would be here now.

Most nights I find it impossible to sleep, sometimes because I can hear it sometimes just unable to turn my brain off, there is too much going on in my head. When I do sleep at night I will wake up in the morning still tired as if I haven’t slept a wink. After hearing it or seeing something I feel tired and I feel unbelievably drained the whole time. My mum just thinks I’m moody or hormonal, just a ‘horrible teenager’ and she has before threatened to throw me out. Hearing it is getting more often and I don’t know what to do. I spoke to the only person about it and asked if she believes I should go to the doctors or something, she told me about someone she knows in a mental hospital with Schizophrenia and she said it made things worse for him she told me to post on something like this. So I have, and have no idea what to do now.

I am often afraid when I hear it particularly when I’m around people in case they know I’m hearing it and judge me, because of this I am yet to get a job as I am scared I will hear it when at work, I have only just after about 2 years started going out with my mates regularly again because I was scared they would hear me hearing it or something, I am still scared of this when I go out now.

I am a pretender. I pretend to everyone that everyone is okay. It’s so hard to pretend that nothing is going on. I try to shut myself off from people, I don’t let people get too close (besides that one mate), I push people away, I lose mates over it, I feel incredibly uncomfortable walking into a room of people even if they are mates, I feel as though everyone of them are looking at me knowing I hear it and are judging me. If my mates make jokes about being crazy or joke about self harmers (those who don’t know about me) or hearing voices I can’t help thinking they are taking about me, laughing about me.

My family life is terrible, my mum suffers from depression, she is so hard to live with I know it isn’t her fault but anything will make her depressed, if she isn’t sad she is angry and this gets taken out on me, either by having a go at me for nothing or having digs at me (normally about my weight – she was anorexic at my age and I am quite obviously not). It is mostly after arguments with my mum which I hear it worse. Rapid changes of emotion normally make me hear it. Such as if I get upset or angry all of a sudden.

What do I do? I am never sure what is real and what isn’t any more, because of my seeing and hearing things. I am also very hard of hearing partly death maybe, I have to repeatedly ask people to repeat things, I am afraid if my hearing gets a lot worst and I go completely deaf it will just be mean and the voice. As sometimes listening to music or getting involved with conversations can overpower the voice as such.

I don’t know what to do, any advice is welcome but please do not judge me and write harsh comments about what I have said. I don’t mind questions within reason, but I just want help but I’m too scared to tell a doctor or someone like that. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Am I insane or something? I know I’m not normal no matter how much I wish I was, wish I was someone else, anyone but me. I just don’t know what to do. Everything is just getting increasingly difficult to hide and to keep people from knowing. Could anyone tell me what is wrong with me? Have I inherited my mum’s depression or am I like I said, just insane.

From a confused teenager

T x

[Pink stars]

Hey hun

Welcome to the site.

No your not insane.

I think many people here will be able to identify with what you have been saying.

Thinking of going to see the doctor can be really scary and off-putting, but I think that's what you need to do. They really can help. Could you take one of your friends with you if you don't want to go alone?

There's loads of information here for you and I have found every-body to be really friendly and supportive, as I am sure you will too.

xx

[beishek]

Hi. I agree with pink stars. You must see a doctor. As a shizophrenic who hears voices, I share many of your symptons, but the right medication will definitely help you. In many cases the voices will go away completely as will any paranoia or delusions if you have them. The best thing is, you are what they call "high functioning" and you have insight into the illness, which a lot of sufferers do not have. So you are half way towards beating the battle at the moment. But if you don't seek help, it is degenerative and will probably get worse. Apart from medication, if you are in the UK there is PSIPS who help with managing psychosis with one to one sessions or groups (if you feel ok with groups). Hearing voices groups are held all over the country. If you go to one you will see that voice hearers come across as quite normal people and the average person in the street will never guess that they have an illness. They also share advice about dealing with voices, such as using ear plugs or "challenging" the voices thereby reducing the power of a voice. Ask your voice to give "evidence" that it can affect the lives of your friends and loved ones. It cannot. Also, nobody else can hear your voice. But, in the first place, get some medication. Clorizil is the best one at the moment. I am on amisulpride which works well for me. Good luck and keep in touch! beishek ^_^

[snowman]

Definitely go to the doctor. I know that seems scary but they will be fine. You can write down what you want to say or even print what you have written here- it is eloquent and explains things well.

Please do this and keep in touch so you can be supported. It can be a long journey and it's much easier if you have company. So many people have a range of issues and experiences so post away and let us be there for you.

[walker]

def go to docs, and prhaps take your trusted friend with you

if it helps, print off what u have written here and just shove it in docs hand - you have explained your situation so well

u deserve help - and telling someone is v v hard but will also bring you relief from the constant pretense

please take care

xx

ooops just read snowmans post and have said same - sorry xx

[thesloaneranger]

hi and welcome. you do need to go and see your doctor...ill just be repeating what the others have said about printing this page out etc, but get yourself some help as you have your whole life ahead of you. you have done so well to even post here *hugs*

[chorse_70]

yes see a Dr. and welcome to the site

[A_Normal_Girl]

Thank you all for your replies. Sorry if it seems ungrateful me saying this but I feel way too scared to go to the doctors, I have booked an appointment before but chickened out at the last minute and just made up an excuse why I had to see him. The one friend that knows about the voice and all offered to go to the doctors with me but I am still too scared as I think if my family found out it would ruin my family. It would also properly be the last straw for my mum to finally throw me out as she has been threatening.

Is there any ways of dealing with it without my family finding out? Without doctors or medication. Any methods that I can use to just deal with it. To overpower the voice and control my SH. I am so confused sorry.

T x

[beishek]

Thank you all for your replies. Sorry if it seems ungrateful me saying this but I feel way too scared to go to the doctors, I have booked an appointment before but chickened out at the last minute and just made up an excuse why I had to see him. The one friend that knows about the voice and all offered to go to the doctors with me but I am still too scared as I think if my family found out it would ruin my family. It would also properly be the last straw for my mum to finally throw me out as she has been threatening.

Is there any ways of dealing with it without my family finding out? Without doctors or medication. Any methods that I can use to just deal with it. To overpower the voice and control my SH. I am so confused sorry.

T x

[beishek]

Are you 16 yet? If so, a doctor is bound by confidentiality laws. They cannot discuss your problems with your family or anyone else without your permission. As for dealing with it yourself, you can attend hearing voices groups without a referral from a doctor. If you phone your local mental health centre they will have details. These are also confidential and are run by qualified professionals. Your friend can go too. In the group I go to, many have problems with self harming, so this can be dealt with as well. I think you are very brave to want to do this without medication, but it can be done. Good luck and keep in touch. beishek ^_^

[A_Normal_Girl]

im still scared to go to a doctor sorry i bet i sound as though im not taking your advice seriously, i am. Im just scared. Sorry. Also i will try and find out about hearing voices groups. Thank you.

If anyone else hears voices. if you dont mind me asking do you find talking about them or what they say helps or will it make me worse?

Also i hear screaming some times or a continuous noise like buzzing is this connected or is it something else?

The screams would actually make me shake all over, and it is as tho i have a slight panic attack..

T x

[beishek]

Hi. Yes, it is all connected. From what I have learned it is all to do with an excess of dopamine in the brain. It causes connections to become overstimulated and the brain desparately tries to make sense of the messages it is receiving - hence, a voice or hallucination is created. That's why medication is important. It blocks unnecessary dopamine production. But, if you don't want medication, talking therapies are the next best idea. It won't make things worse. If anything, it will help put your voice in perspective and you can start to both challenge it's authority and disempower it. The most important thing is to stop believing what it says, especially when it tells you to harm yourself. My voices once told me to jump out of a window - or else! I did jump, and broke both legs and fractured my skull. It could have been even worse though. Anyway, I am online every day if you want to talk anytime. My e mail address is etamin@hotmail.co.uk or, if you like, you can find me on facebook. I'm off to bed now. Bye!!

[chorse_70]

welcome to the site

[A_Normal_Girl]

Thank you

T x

[gothicangel]

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry you're suffering, that sounds really horrible for you. I really hope you do find the courage to go to the doctor, they will definitely be able to help you. With the right medication the voices may disappear altogether, and there's no reason that your mum would have to find out about it if you don't want her to.

Take care xxx

[Pink stars]

Hi again hun

I know the thought of going to the doctor can be terrifying but it really will be for the best.

I went to my doctor about my problems when I was 17 but had wanted to go way before then but was too scared. But honestly once I was there it did get easier, and after all they are trained to help with these kind of things and have probably had many people in before with the same problems.

When I eventually went to see my doctor I went alone but if you don't want to do that then perhaps ask your friend to go along with you? She already sounds really supportive.

And as your 16 your doctor cannot tell your parents any-thing, so it can all be private.

Take care xx

[A_Normal_Girl]

[if you dont mind me asking]What will happen if i go to the doctors?

Also because of my asthma and other allergies i spent most my childhood in the doctors so my mum talks to most of the staff, such as they told her i had been in to get a percription, so i dont think it would be kept a secret from her for very long.

i just really dont know what to do sorry

T x

[beishek]

Hi. You could consider changing doctors to avoid your mum finding out. It is a shame if you can't see a doctor because your mum knows all the staff there, especially if the staff are not practising confidentiality. As for what will happen when you see a doctor, it is nothing to worry about. GPs are not experts in mental health, so, after you give some details about your symptoms he will refer you to a mental health specialist. Normally in the first instance a psychiatrist. Sometimes a gp will prescribe anti psychotics, but they usually wait for the psychiatrist to do this. Psychiatrists take a long time to come up with an official diagnosis. They will need to see you several times, but they will normally start you on medication straight away. It may take a couple of weeks for it to start working. Also, some anti psychotics can knock you out a bit to begin with (eg. sleepiness) but this will wear off quickly. There is much more that can be done, but I don't want to bombard you with information. For the moment, just concentrate on taking the first step - seeing a doctor. beishek

[A_Normal_Girl]

Thank you for explaining, will there be like tests or something or is it all talking?

If i do get help will it effect me getting a job?

I really want to be a Child phychologist, but would that be impossible with my problems?

T x

[walker]

if u dont get help then it WILL be difficult to follow your dreams

but

if you get help and support then you are far more likely to succeed

you are clearly intelligent and articulate - go girl -

i know nothing of the condition but the sooner you get help the better - believe me

i wish you all the best

[beishek]

Hi. Yes, it is mainly talking, but they sometimes ask for a cat scan just to make sure everything else is ok with your brain. Once you are well, it will not stop you becoming a child psychologist. In fact, the medical profession as a whole is very keen to employ people with mental health problems - as long as the condition is under control. I managed to become a secondary school teacher with this illness. I have worked with thousands of kids and the illness did not affect my ability to be a good teacher. It is best, though, to be selective in who you allow to know details. For most people you work with, it is none of their business. Only the main employer, or in my case, the LEA has a right to know your medical background. See you later. Bye!!!

[A_Normal_Girl]

Thank you everyone for your advice and support, it has been a great comfort to me.

I have shown my friend all your comments and she had said if I want to go to the doctors she would go with me or if I choose not to she will still do everything to help me out.

I believe I am lucky to have as much support as I do.

Also Beishek thank you in particular, as you appear to have had similar problems to me and talking to someone that has been through it and come out in the respected position of a teacher shows me this illness or this thing I have wrong with me isn’t the end of the world that it can be overcome. So yeah thank you.

[walker]

please let us know how u get on

[A_Normal_Girl]

i will but right now im achieving nothing... too chicken to go to the doctors still..

[A_Normal_Girl]

I thought I would let you all know how I’m doing...

I am still yet to buck up the courage to go to the doctors, Shameful i know..

I haven’t really progressed at all lately.

I feel if anything emotionally I am almost at breaking point, and i have not told anyone (not even the one mate who I used to talk to about it all). I feel very alone.

I’m sorry to admit this but I’m starting to think that people will be better off without me... I am backing off from everyone once again. Maybe I am just going through a rough patch but it feels worse than ever before.

I really am stuck in a rut.