Looking For Help

[piuma]

hey welcome to the site, do go to your gp sweetie. as all have said above, its really important hun.

welcome again

xx

[rmorgan_uk]

yes go to your gp it hard i know but it really is the only thing to do keep posting on here to. nobody will judge you here we are all here to help each other :hug2:

[A_Normal_Girl]

I bet I will sound incredibly childish when I say this, and you all may think I am just a silly 16 year old looking for attention or something. But I truly cannot find it in myself to build the courage to go to the Drs. I am scared, yes petty as it sounds. I am ashamed and terrified. My self harming has got worse, I have quite a few every deep scars on my hips, I haven’t been able to put a bikini on without shorts for years. Not only that my eating habits are just pathetic, one minute I mean pretty normally, the next I will fast for days, and go mental up the gym.

Sorry I just feel very very low...

[Roses]

You are not childish. It's hard to go to GP when you are feeling so vulnerable. Is there anyone who can go with you and offer you support hun? xxx

[A_Normal_Girl]

tbh i think its too late to take anyone with me because i have pushed everyone away.. even the one friend who knows all this about me.. i havent got anyone anymore. tbh im ready to give up.

[silent187]

Hiya and welcome to the site!

Im feelin ur pain,

I hear voices, three of them, two women one man,

and because of them ive created an inner hatred towards people who were once my friends, people who welcomed me into a city where i knew no one-so i kno wat u mean about pushin people away.

all i can offer is frm my experience which is dat despite not wantin to go on meds i went on for jus under a yr and dey helped me get control of my mind again-but it wrks differently for different people.

You seem a very strong person even tho u may not see it urself so i am confident u will do well wit the struggles u face.

However, if goin docs is the problem fo u atm den i suggest talkin about how the voices are makin u feel and wat affects these are havin on ur life wherever u feel safe (personally i find this site amazin fo this). Thru the combined experience of others this mite help u better handle the problems fo the time bein until u are ready to take ur life in whichever direction u choose.

Peace an luv

[A_Normal_Girl]

when you say talk about the voices, what do you mean because i don't know where i would start..

I dont really understand why i have pushed people away though, its not that i hate them, its more as though im trying to pretect them from my mind. i just don't get it.. All them people have every done is been nice to me and just tried to help, but i push them away..

[gclindsey]

Hi Normal Girl,

Welcome to the site you have courage opening up.

Many people here are recommending that you see a doctor, which could help.

The voice you hear is controlling you through fear it seems. Challenge and fight it, I think if you face your fear about whatever might happen if you disobey, you will find that the only power it can have is what you give it by listening to it.

Drugs can help, but I would guess because you here and I read your initial post that you haven't had safe or secure relationships in your life. A safe secure relationship is one in which the other person listens to you non judgementally and accepts everything about you without trying to change you, because none of us are perfect. People like that do exist, and after you get through this you'll be one of them with empathy to offer other people. Which will make you a great child psychologist. Right now, focus on yourself and what you need, face your fear, fight the voice with logic (cause what it tells you is nonsense, fight the fear and test it), and know that you are responsible only for what you choose, not for what other people do. Seriously, fight it and test it and rebel against it, reclaim yourself.

greg

p.s. don't put pressure on yourself if you don't like going to a doctor, you're in charge of that decision and nobody has any right to judge you or what you do cause they just don't know all of you

[gclindsey]

Hi again Normal Girl,

I wanted to give you some resources for finding a group of people who you can talk about it with face to face. These are 12 step groups, don't worry about the 12 steps its a path to getting healthy its the people that are important who can understand and accept you:

EA - Emotions Anonymous

EHA - Emotional Health Anonymous

ACA – Adult Children of Alcoholics, people from non-alcoholic but dysfunctional families are just as welcome

Or any other group, maybe ask a local counseling office ? Good luck to you!

[A_Normal_Girl]

Thank you Gregabc you seem to understand my fear about going to a doctor..

the thing is about when you say fight it, I tried to fight it,, it was saying it was going to hurt my friends if I didn’t self harm and I didn’t do it because my friend continued to tell me it wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone.. But then a couple of days later I found out she self harmed the night that I didn’t do as the voice said, I convinced myself that was because of the voice and the voice told me it was because I didn’t do as I was told. Ever since then I haven’t been able to disobey it since..

[gclindsey]

Thank you Gregabc you seem to understand my fear about going to a doctor..

the thing is about when you say fight it, I tried to fight it,, it was saying it was going to hurt my friends if I didn’t self harm and I didn’t do it because my friend continued to tell me it wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone.. But then a couple of days later I found out she self harmed the night that I didn’t do as the voice said, I convinced myself that was because of the voice and the voice told me it was because I didn’t do as I was told. Ever since then I haven’t been able to disobey it since..

Hey Normal Girl,

What this voice does is take away your choice and free will, which is exactly why it should be challenged and not obeyed. Lots of people self harm every minute of every day, and you happen to have that in common with your friend (which isn't so surprising because our friends are often like us in good and bad). The fact that your friend self-harmed the night you disobeyed still doesn't prove that the voice or whatever's behind it can hurt people because, I think this is an important point, your friend made a choice for which you are absolutely not responsible. I believe your friend hurt herself and not the voice. Has your friend selfharmed other times when you haven't heard the voice? The two incidents may have coincided but that by no means proves that they're related. How do I put it, its not your fault or your responsibility what your friend did. She owns her choices and you own yours. The voice is trying to own you. But you are free to say NO and take yourself back, maybe thats scary but we have to control our fear in order to be happy.

If you're an intuitive person and close to your friend its very possible your subconscious picked up on her "vibe", and subconsciously you "knew" she would selfharm. We are extremely complex and fascinating creatures. I wish you the best in what you do, take care of yourself and find some people, a support group or such, who can help you through this, better not to face it alone.

greg

[hummm_mabbe]

Hullo Normal girl

I can totally understand how you are feeling - admitting this stuff to anyone at all is extremely hard, and the stakes must feel so very high. You are worried how mum will react, when really you need her support. You are worried a doctor may do something to you that is bad, or that it might affect your future. You are worried that if people knew the "real" you, they would leave you, somehow see this bad thing inside and run away. If I felt all those things, i would be terrified of going to a doctor too - fear is a normal reaction to things that threaten or scare us - and on top of that you have this mean voice inside of you that always tries to break everything down and take away your energy. With that AND mum seemingly picking away at your confidence, and stopping you being able to seek the acceptance and support you need, its no wonder its hard.

It sounds like you feel somehow indebted to your mum, because she is depressed. I can relate to that, because my mum was similar. I tried to hide all my feelings because they seemed to upset my mum - but I came to realise that really, she was the parentm and I needed her support and acceptance, not her shaming, criticism and anger - no matter how badly she felt about herself. But it is very hard when you need or rely on someone very much, or feel afraid of them, to be able to see things from another perspective. It seems now that you need your mums support, but in fact the fear of her reaction is stopping you from seeking help. If it were someone else who was ill, it may be easier for you to imagine them having a right to support, that their needs to be well were more important than the needs of someone who might just get angry. But it may be that you have always felt this way about yourself, maybe that you dont feel you desrve to have your needs and feelings heard.

Many people have siad it already - but your emotions are very important, both generally and here. Please do talk about how you feel, and your experiences here. There will be no judgement or expectation, and no one will get angry or critical with you if you express whats inside.

Does the voice ever say thigs that are similar to your mum at all? Do you ever feel like the voice is as powerful as mum? Or does the voice seem to belong to someone else?

It is true that at some point, going to a doctor may well be helpful for you. It may even open up a new chapter in your life that is so positive, and so unlike what those fears tell you it will be, that you will be surprised. But you cannot just make yourself go - you have to listen to the fears that are stopping you and understand why they are. Understand what they are scared will happen to you. If a friend of yours had an illness, and she told someone, and her family abandoned her, would that be right? Or would you feel that in fact her family were in the wrong for walking away? Your struggles are just the same - they are part of an illness that is not your fault, and in fact its possible that if you have always been treated that way by your family, that they may be part of what has caused you to feel like this. Was your nan perhaps the one person in your family that related to you, who had compassion for you? When you lost her, what else do you felt you lost?

It is possible to have those things back, you deserve to have them back. You are not "just a 16 year old", you are a person, a human being with feelings, and are in a lot of pain through no fault of your own - do you belive that, that its not your fault? Or do you feel that somehow your feelings make you 'bad'? I think many people here could relate to that feeling.

I think that even from the start of this thread, you have made little steps forward. Spend more time around these folks, I hope that you will come to see that what you are going through is a painful, undeserved illness, that deserves compassion and someone to listen to you. For some reason it feels like in amongst people making you feel bad for having these reactions and feelings, and not wanting to risk showing your friends this side of you, that 'you' dont get as much airtime as you should. I think its time that normal girl got some good quality ears and a big heart to let her speak into.