thesloaneranger Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 i admitted to my husband exactly a week ago that i have started to SH (stanley knife in my leg) as i knew i had my assessment coming up and wanted to stop before i got any more deep into this whole new situation. i have only used my blade once in the past week which im proud of, and have been sticking to the suggestion of "pinging" an elastic band onto the inside of my wrist. however, after a few days of this, i have a very red, very swollen wrist! i can see how the quacks can see this as being preferential to what i was doing, but i feel this is doing more damage and its now actually quite hard to even drive (classic car, no power steering). my husband has now taken my elastic bands away, so ive moved onto using hairbands as i so want to avoid cutting again as i dont want to be locked up for being a nutter. i do find physical pain easier to deal with, and the elastic bands, although bloody sore, dont feel the same. so i keep twanging away each time i feel bad in the hope i can get a pain that i can deal with and keep my emotional pain under control. ive read the alternatives to SH that are pinned on the forum, but does anyone have any other tips? yes, the bands dont leave scars which is great, but the damage i feel they are doing is affecting my life much more. i dont really want to be in this boat, as ive posted before, but i cant help feeling that suggesting i use bands instead is really a solution! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 your not a nutter, and you wont get locked up for sh, dont be to hard on yourself and well done for trying...i found it really hard to stop to, but when i look at my scars now especially the ones i know wont fade its not nice, but i do also understand that the pinging thing doesnt really help long term, it depends what you get from your sh, for me it wasnt so much the pain, more the rush of blood after, so my t used to recommend carrying a red feltip and drawing faint red lines on me to make it look like it was there, i dunno, i never tried it, cos ended up in hosp, for something else, but it may work for you, if its the pain you seek, ive heard that they are recommending people learn acupuncture now, and in some places even give patients needles to go and prick them selves with, dunno, what else have you tried? xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 I said to my husband that is one more well meaning health professional told me to ping a bloody elastic band on my wrist I would ping one round their flickin' necks!!!!! I totally understand sloane. Techniques I found have helped: playing the piano coming on here in live chat or vent or just talking doing a physical workout or walking for a long time (like 3 miles long) housework cooking having sex (oh la la) getting involved in active play with the kids having a bath or shower having a BIG sortout of the house There's prolly more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted July 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 thank you for the replies peeps - im glad im not the only one to find the "experts" suggestion bloody useless! i can deal with physical pain so much better than emotional pain, so for me, its not just about the actual cut, its the aftercare too. i also get a feeling that whatever the bad stuff is thats inside of me can get released. it sounds so stupid i know, but its just the weird way i seem to think these days. gonna try and raise the issue with my counsellor tonight - was too shocked last week to tell her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lucy Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 I self harm and never has it been suggested to me that i get locked up for being a "Nutter" sorry but that line upset me I can understand why he suggested bands, do you know why you wanted to harm? what lead you to it? how you felt explore those feelings and try replace with somthing that fits. You said it was about paini found if it was for emotional psain then looking after myself, going back to bed after therpay with a hot drink and my bear and allowing myself to be kind to myself. look at it with your t Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted July 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 hi lucy sorry you were upset with the "nutter" reference - it is how i see myself, and i had put poss trigger in the heading, but i guess curiosity gets the better of all of us sometimes. im sorry tho hun *hug* i worked out that SH was "good" for me after i had a mishap with the oven - whilst nursing my burned wrist i realised i didnt feel as crap emotionally as i had done just minutes before. it was not something i wanted to get into trust me, but it kind of made me remember that i am not totally weak and that just because im no longer strong mentally, doesnt mean i dont have some strengths left. looking after my wounds gives me something i can do for myself as i dont get satisfaction from anything i do for anyone else.i will bend over backwards to help others, but i belittle everything i do just now and also see it as a form of punishment i guess. its hard to describe as im so multi-layered, but one things for sure...those blooming elastic bands do nothing as i dont have something to look afterwards! a bag of peas isint quite the same...do you know what i mean? didnt raise the issue with my counsellor this evening as she we had so many other issues to talk about and she said she had thought about what i said last week and was feeling a wee bit bad about not really being able to sort things as it were. that made me feel guilty and i didnt really want to hit her with this....its not fair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 they say that stopping a self-harmer from harming themselves is bad cos it leads them onto taking more drastic action to relieve the pain like running away or taking overdoses. We realised that this was why I kept running away from hossie and taking overdoses cos my 'crutch' had been taken away from me. Just a thought. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted July 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 that does make sense roses. i did try to stop before i got hooked as it were, but when you find something that makes you feel better its so hard to turn your back on it. got another assessment tomorrow at 2pm, and im just going to tell them what i think of their elastic bands, homework book and grilling techniques.....they made me worse! my counsellor did point out today that i dont have to go along with anything they say to me, and i can ask them as many questions as they ask me, so lets see what happens. im just glad im not the only one to find the alternatives no where near good enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lucy Posted July 29, 2009 Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 Dont be sorry slone i know you meant no offence, i just read it as selfharmers are nutters that may get locked up. Tbh i think its good that you are trying to aviod harming. I dont and as a concesquence ive just come out of A&E with 26 stiches. do try and find a healthy way to combat this Oh and your T thats what she is there for, for you to talk to her whatever you feel like tell her dont hold back and filter your answers Keep fighting Love lucy ( with a v sore arm) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted July 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 *hugs lucy* getting locked away is one of my biggest fears, and after last weeks assessment where i did admit to SH, i had the fear of god put into me by the people that are supposed to help me. they called me the day after to make sure id given up as it were (like im gonna tell em the truth now!) and to say that rather than just change my meds via my GP,ive to go back for another assessment....ding ding, round 2!! just feeling like ive been set up so pretty scared right now. i dont think anyone that has SH issues should be locked away....i just think that some "experts" should be a little more sensitive to the reasons rather than whatever harm is being done. im so sorry you now have all those stitches - ive never gone that deep into my leg, but i guess it really is just a matter of time before i either get triggered enough or make a mistake. i really hope you start to feel better soon hun. im trying so damn hard to keep to the rules i was laid out last week, and its taken so much to not give in - i guess not wanting to give them the satisfaction is enough to hold me back. for how long, i dont know, but im trying and cant do any more. swelling is down in my wrist, leg looks a mess, but im here - surely thats enough progress for them to either leave me alone or help? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drew Posted July 29, 2009 Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 elastic bands are a distraction , there are not a cure or alternative , i feel that perhaps people who sh have to be ready to use distractions for them to work , u really need to deal with the issues that cause u to sh and in doing this may help u stop or minimise the need to self harm i wish u luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted July 29, 2009 Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 Drew hit the nail o nthe head. The thing that has changed my sh patterns is CBT. It's amazing. I understand why I do it now and I have coping strategies in place. My t thinks I will never be free from it but that with the knoweldge I have gained I can drastically reduce it. I have sh once in the last 2 months whereas it was sometimes twice daily at it's worst. My problem now is that the cutting has nearly stopped I am restricting on food and going crazy with exercise. I guess it's a case of peeling back the layers. I now must concentrate on ed problems. But what will that reveal? Does it ever stop? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted July 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 saw the psych today, and he was a whole lot nicer than the woman i had to deal with last week. im having my fluoxetine doubled, but other than that, im getting nothing to help me sleep!!! fecking bar steward custards!!!! the guy i spoke to today is going to speak to last weeks woman (who just so happens to do the CBT!) and tell her that hauling up my past has made things 10 times worse and in fact made me want to SH more. hmmm...should make next weeks appointment interesting! lol! got my blades back, but not used them yet as i dont want to, but at least the guy today understood what i meant by the elastic bands being the wrong type of pain and why i wont be using them again. emailed my counsellor in the middle of the night to confess to this, and also part of my past. i make a point of not contacting her outwith my allotted time as everyone is entitled to their own life, but the guilt of keeping this secret from the one person who has helped me was eating away at me just too much. now feeling a complete idiot for doing so. oh dear, shoot me now :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted July 29, 2009 Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 I found the first few weeks of cbt really distressing though. You rip the plaster off and your wounds are bare. Perhaps you should persist with it??? It always gets worse before it gets better, it's a foregone conclusion. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted July 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 i hope your right roses hun. for the past few months everytime i tell myself it cant get any worse - and then it does! guess im just scared of whats going to happen next.....fear of the unknown and broken trust just arent helping! ill give anything a go though, so ill see what happens with the CBT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted July 29, 2009 Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 ask her about it and about everything that has been said here and see what her response is. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted July 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 after last week, i can hazard a guess at her response!!! calling me to see if i was out of bed and judging me on my past hasnt done either of us any favours. my appointment for next wednesday has been moved to the friday though, so it at least gives me a few days grace....on the flip side, my counsellor has decided that rather than letting me have my usual 6pm appointment, im getting a 9am one! cant say im going to be looking my best thats for sure, and knowing i spilled a few secrets in last nights email is already playing on my mind. why does every bit of progress always have to be followed with another issue to deal with? xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drew Posted July 30, 2009 Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 i found that to solve my issues i had to drag up the pass which made me feel worse, but by the end if i felt better then i did when i started Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alisonisanutter Posted July 30, 2009 Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 sucking on an ice cube can help especially if you have sensitive teeth otherwise i find a hot bath with lots of bubbles and pampering is also good for self esteem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted July 30, 2009 Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 I don't know where it ends Sloane. I guess we are on a never ending road (all of us in the world I mean). Constantly adapting to change and changing ourselves. It's just accentuated when you have mental health issues as you can't let go of the changes that happened in the past. Yes. Onions have layers (if you seen Shrek you'll laugh). I guess there is a root cause in the middle of it all but it's getting to it. My core belief is that "I am crap" apparently. Goodness knows what I am supposed to do with that. CBT has finished now so guess I just sit with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted July 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 thank you for the tips there froglet, and drew...maybe you are right. ill give that angle a bit of thought for sure, so thanks x roses, ive seen shrek and know exactly what you mean! lol! for the past 8 years, only the top 2 layers of the onion have been touched and things were fine.....i just havent taken too well to having my root cut out and a whole load of layers being pulled back so fast!! i guess the speed at which all this has happened to me has totally caught me out and its something im going to have to get used to before i can start to heal. you are not crap roses hun - your a bloody good person! *hug* been really good yesterday and today and not done any SH at all - thought about it, but resisted by having a few drinks and watching "airplane" instead..not sure that was the best option, but it distracted me long enough for the urge to pass. didnt have a bad day yesterday as things went better than i expected so maybe that helped too....hope i can stay as strong today. so far, so good....maybe froglet is right about the feelgood thing, but only when i deserve it. sorry im wittering as usual - im knackered and wired on coffee! i hope this kinda makes some sense. just want to say thanks for all your replies x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted July 30, 2009 Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 Airplane is a classic. "What's the vector Victor"? ROFL.... Yeah, that was my problem we got to the central issues so fast my head was spinning and I had a relapse and had to get meds upped and was nearly hospitalised again as I was hallucintating and cutting... ooh it was horrid. But, on the other side it is much, much, much better! Stick with it girl, you're doing great. And not sh for 2 days is great. Caffeine is good to help get your going but not after 6ish or it can keep you awake. Thanks for the hug. Here's one back..... (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((sloane)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted July 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 lol roses.....my fave line is "chicken, or fish?...hmm, i remember, i had lasagne" lol! i appreciate you saying that the coming out the other side is possible, and that its way better - thats so reassuring *hug* kinda wanting to SH just now as my new car has decided to pop its heater matrix and blow the electrics at the same time! grrrr! only had it 6 days, and its pressing my buttons already! hubby isint impressed as he thought it was an old heap to start with so getting grief there too....going out to have a bash and see whats going on with the bloody thing first, but if i fail i know im gonna be so down later on. bugger Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted July 30, 2009 Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 Hope it goes well with your car. Remember it is only a car, not worth hurting yourself over. Lots of love xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesloaneranger Posted July 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 car update: body damage: one battered finger after dropped bonnet one very swollen forehead and mild concussion after forgeting door was open and came up from under the car too quick car problems: huge fuel leak lost electrics phone calls made: fire brigade - they have been and made things safe RAC - 2 hours and still waiting arguments with hubby: 3, and hes still not home despite me seeing stars, high from fuel fumes and bloody unhappy wanting to SH (1-10 scale): 147...but waiting til after RAC have been, as knowing my luck they will turn up when i get going if heiniken made lives, mine would be in the reject pile. i cant even fix a bloody car now....failure of the highest degree. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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