markscol Posted August 3, 2009 Report Share Posted August 3, 2009 I am really worried that i may have pushed away my very close friend who i really cherish. I just couldn't take it anymore, bottling up my feelings when she would say things to get a reaction out of me, not keep on her word, etc. I sent her an email that was very sweet-- as sweet as i could make it-- that did not point any fingers. I just basically expressed that i felt a bit hurt by some of her actions.... That i had to let it out so i could feel better, instead of bottling it up. And, no response for a few days now. I am really worried that she won't speak to me for a while, or she will feel very betrayed by me. This was not my intention, as i am not judging the core of her being-- i am just expressing how i feel. i wanted to be a friend she could trust, and i think she could trust me. But now i am panicking that i have ruined this and i feel really guilty, even though i know in my heart it was the right thing to do, to be honest. I am worried i will get an angry response, or things wont ever be the same..all over a silly email. Any way to calm the nerves? I don't want to be blacklisted... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InAbsentia Posted August 3, 2009 Report Share Posted August 3, 2009 Have you tried calling? I think the thing to do is try giving her a call and if you can't reach her, leave a message explaining that you're worried you might have put her off with the email. If you do reach her and she's flipping out because you crossed some boundary, ask her what exactly you did and let her know you were just trying to be straight forward with things and you'll be more conscious about this next time. As for calming the nerves, I've found beer works quite well :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaimie_CS Posted August 3, 2009 Report Share Posted August 3, 2009 call her, or go and see her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
S1CKK Posted August 3, 2009 Report Share Posted August 3, 2009 Maybe it would help if you'd send her your post you just made.... I think she might be able to understand then....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted August 3, 2009 Report Share Posted August 3, 2009 hia aww sorry things are not right with you and your friend. sometimes emails and texts and posts can be interpreted incorrectly, even on the phone sometimes, if i was you i would try calling her, if you cant get through leve a message, but if at all possible i would do it face to face, she can then see your expressions, which i think are important. gosh i have gotten into so many arguments with my social worker due to emails, either she read wrong or i read wrong. good luck, xxx maybe s1ckk is right show her this thread? xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaimie_CS Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 I agree, show her the thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
placebo69a Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 I don't know about your friend, but... If I got an email from a friend saying I was hurting them I'd probably cool off the contact with that friend for a while. It would have nothing to do with me being hurt or anything, just a touch and go response to realizing I was hurting someone I cared for. I'd just cut contact abruptly and let the friend have their space, figuring that they would give me a call or send me a note when things were back on the up and up so we can mull things over. I don't know if your friend is responding the way I would but just in case she is - Give her a call, and if that fails send another email telling her how much she means to you and that you'd really like a chance to get together with her and spend some time doing stuff you know she'll like. Once you have her within reach just don't blink and let her know that in spite of what you originally wrote you do care a great deal for her and you value your friendship. That ought to disarm her and let you talk about things in a more relaxed manner. Just my thoughts, hope things get sorted sooner rather than later. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted August 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Thank you for the advice. Today was the 4th day of no contact, so I sent an email. I didn't mention the previous email at all. I just sounded normal, as though it never happened. I asked her how she was doing and told her i missed her. The reason i didn't bring up the previous email was because a) i don't think i should feel guilty about expressing how i feel, when i sit and think about it; 2) i don't want to establish a pattern where I am apologizing after everytime i express how i feel, because as long as i am sensitive and honest, i shouldn't have to; 3) I want her to know that i can express how i feel and that it won't affect how i feel about her overall. I can still lover her unconditionally as a friend, even if i get upset. I don't think of her in black and white terms. I think this is important for her to know..... We'll see how it goes. I don't expect an email back any time soon. YOu are probably right. She is probably giving me space, and maybe a little hurt. I am just PRAYING that she can see a tinge of my reasoning, and isn't thinking i am the bad guy or betrayed her. I am willing to be there for her no matter what, but it would be nice to have a sense that she wasn't trying to intentionally hurt me and get in my crawl with some of her actions. I am new to this friendship with someone with BPD...so it is helpful to read about it and talk to others who understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InAbsentia Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 All I've got to say is she's a lucky girl. I kind of wish I could meet a female version of you haha. Anyway, it sounds like you're thinking clearly and have a good plan. You're right that you shouldn't have to apologize for expressing how you feel. I wouldn't totally give up on calling her. It's easier to put off replying to emails than it is to voicemail messages. Hopefully she'll get back to you soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted August 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 I am female!! ha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InAbsentia Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Haha, sorry about that! I suppose I should rephrase...it would be nice if I someone like you who I stood a chance with haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 I think Piuma gives good advice. Face to face is important. It's so easy for bpd folks to fill in any blanks with old scripts. I think that conducting relationship business with emails, text messages, or in chatrooms is a recipe for disaster. How do you know if you phrased something exactly like someone who traumatized her, for example? It would be totally innocent on your part, but it would trigger her. And she would be unable to reply to it because the escalated emotions happen with lightning speed and take over one's entire being. That being said, you're right, you should get to be honest with a friend, or it isn't too much of a friendship. You are very considerate of her, and that is special. She is stuck in old patterns of relating, which you must not take personally. Have you ever read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz? You can get stuck in feeling righteous about your honesty, however, be careful to avoid that pitfall. If she took the previous email as an extreme wound, following that up with a bland email could weird her out, ya know? So honesty must be coupled with tact, and that is going to take face to face for full effect. I highly recommend you read this thingie: http://www.talkaboutrelationships.net/pages/art-of-conversation Following it has really helped my hubby and I be able to talk our way through some pretty rough subjects. This is my other fave article: http://ezinearticles.com/?Dont-Defeat-Yourself-With-Emotional-Manipulation&id=857037 Peace and love, cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted August 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2009 thank you for the advice and the article-- i just woke up to see if i got a response and still no response.... SHIT. As more and more time goes on, the worse and worse i feel.... We are in different states right now so that is the key reason why i can't do anything face to face..i am visiting my family. is it possible that this will affect our long-term friendship? Is there any way she wil-- hypothetically if i hurt her-- move on and forget about this? I just fear that now that she knows my honesty and that i bottle things up sometimes, she wont be able to trust me....and that just really kills me. i think she is a wonderful person-- we have never talked directly about her BPD. I wish she would come outright and tell me, that way i could go on and on and say all of these things that would let her know she didn't have to worry about it with me. But, heck, how do you approach that topic with someone? I refuse to go there. Any ideas? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaimie_CS Posted August 5, 2009 Report Share Posted August 5, 2009 It most likely wont ruin your friendship permenantly, half the problem with being borderline is the mood swings, grudges and anger come and go like waves in a frigging ocean. The longest ive ever held a grudge for was a year, and that against a guy who utterly destroyed me (unintentionally.) Normally I cant stay angry for longer than a few days, weeks at best. it sounds like a good quality, but its actually incredibly frustrating for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaimie_CS Posted August 5, 2009 Report Share Posted August 5, 2009 also, ive posted these elsewhere, but one or two of my friends have found them really helpful - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted August 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 8, 2009 I still haven't heard back. I am a little worried, but the more time that passes the more embittered i become. I refuse to accept this reality. i think "if you really cared for someone, how can you be so insensitive as to not even respond and act like they dont exist? Do you like inflicting emotional pain on those who love you?" Can you please explain to me how it is possible to "love" your friend, yet at the same time just not talk to them when they have clearly taken steps to show you how much it hurts them, the silence? I don't get it. And, i guess, why is it that people with BPD only do this with certain friends, and not others? What makes some friends "special"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted August 8, 2009 Report Share Posted August 8, 2009 Did you read "Don't Defeat Yourself With Emotional Manipulation"? it's a vicious circle. We get trained that normal ways of relating are impossible, and we can only manipulate others to get what we need. This causes us to experience our lives as nothing but defeat and despair. We experience pretty much every waking moment as one of pain and fear. We find it hard to open our eyes wide enough past the pain to see anyone else's experience. When you are in a state of panic, you get many physical effects such as tunnel vision, frontal lobe shut-down, racing heart, and intense need to fight or flee. There is no "liking" about it. It is triggered trauma response, pure and simple. People with BPD hurt the ones they love because the ones they love get in past all the carefully constructed obstacles we set up around us--and then trigger us! People we don't love, we can do situational competency for them. We've got walls up to keep those assholes from hurting us, its you good guys that fry our brains. Many people here post how much they freak out when people are nice to them. "DOES NOT COMPUTE" say our brains! For me, once someone has managed to convince me they are a good guy, I put them on a pedestal so high, that like humpty dumpty, if they fall, all the kings horses and all the kings men can't put them together again. And I loathe them for a while, intensely and absolutely. If this is not resolved, then I feel guilt for hating them, and turn it into self-loathing. That's when I isolate and start acting impulsively: I won't return calls or go outside, can't speak, cry all day, hide in closets, bash my head with my fists, go into pseudo-seizures, tear pieces out of my flesh with my fingernails, etc. Then I feel self-loathing for self-loathing, and so it goes. Frequently, I experience other people's attempts to comfort me as invalidating, phony, over-stimulating, invasive, or as a backhanded means to get me to do something for them, or as just plain bizarre since I am so worthless and don't deserve comfort or love or even to be alive at all! Do you begin to see? This is the pain that bpd can bring. adding my light to yours, cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted August 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 8, 2009 thank you for your help. That is all very interesting and helpful to hear. I guess-- like we said before-- I should just be here when she first gets in contact again? I mean, i have already sent her emails, apologizing if she took me the wrong way, telling her i missed her. I can only send so many emails....i have SOME pride, but i am not going to go anywhere either. So, what should i do? Just act normal when she finally gets in contact? Wait and see what she does? I HATE THE IDEA OF OUR FRIENDSHIP BECOMING A SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY. Call me hard headed, but i refuse to let that happen. if for any other reason than to prove to her that there are unconditionally good people out there, well i am going to be here. I just wish she woudl get in contact with me god damnit. I am DREADING it, in a way though......i hate getting pushed away. It is the most frustrating thign in the world. i feel so helpless and powerless...because no matter what i do, it's like david and goliath. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaimie_CS Posted August 8, 2009 Report Share Posted August 8, 2009 pride? what has this to do with pride? do you think you would be less of a person for trying too hard? do you really think there is such a thing as trying to hard to make someone feel better? trying to 'prove' anything is ridiculous. im not trying to be provocative, i know you came here for help, but my reaction to the above is that its total bullshit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted August 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 9, 2009 i apologize. I guess a better way of expressing what i wanted to say was that friends and partners often fear feeling vulnerable as well, and soi thikn this can complicate communication a lot of times when two people are operating out of strategies or defenses Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted August 9, 2009 Report Share Posted August 9, 2009 hey i was just wondering - when u say u r fed up of her saying stuff just to get a reaction...how do u know she is saying these things for a reaction? i mean have u got proof or is it a 'gut instict'? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aneurysm Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 If shes in a certain frame of mind, there may be nothing you can do at the moment. It sucks, but thats bpd. My best friend was borderline, and I'm borderline, and we each thought the other one was so perfect. And in good time, she started to hate me, I exploded at her, friendship over. Goodtimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 Get ready for your ego to take a backseat. As Gem says, this has nothing to do with pride or proving something to someone. The only person you can change is yourself. If you are triggered by being pushed away and it makes you clamp on, now you know where to direct your self-work. hope things improve with your friend. love, cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaimie_CS Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 Im sorry if what i said was a little harsh markscol, but I'm really struggling with a friend at the moment in a similar way. All I want is for him to be nice to me. to tell me he loves me and cares for me and is sorry for my pain, and that it hurts him to see me cry or hear me so sad. and he is too proud (or stubborn, or stubborn or something) to do that. He will explain to me how my reactions are illogical, and try in a roundabout way to communicate that he cares, but refuses to just give up whatever's stopping him and just give me the grand-gesture reaction that i need. Borderlines demand a lot of people because we, in turn, would do anything for the people we love. We throw grand gestures around without expectation and give everything to people when they need it. we make ourselves vulnerable constantly by showing the truth and extent of our feelings and it is simultaneously the reason people love us and the reason we so often get hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted August 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 No worries. I probably come off as insensitive in my word choice. I hate to use the word "pride" or stubborn, because i don't think it is intentional the decision not to keep writing. I just think that, after numerous attempts at communcating and not receiving anything in return acknowledging my attempts, i feel really silly. Like i am talking to a brick wall, and i just feel pathetic. I dont mean to imply that my attempts are pathetic-- they're not. But i am not immune to the general vulnerabilities we all feel..... I am sorry to hear about your friend. I think some of us really want to just love our BPD loved ones, but, speaking personally, i feel so helpless, because it the way in which my BPD friend chooses to love is a bit unusual for me. In my imagination, i imagine pinning her down and saying "let me love you." is that wierd? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.