placebo69a Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 Any contact yet? I'm curious. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted August 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 Nope. Last time i wrote was about 3 days ago. Sorry if i come off as dramatic. It just helps to talk to others who understand-- i don't feel so alone in a hole. It is crazy how certain people can have such an effect on me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaimie_CS Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 I have no doubt that if I didn't have the ability to hide my thoughts and feelings from people i'm close to, they'd run screaming. This friend often asks me - what do you want from me? and in my head i scream at him - I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME! Instead I say - i dont know. and so he can never do enough. I come across in relationships as cold and uncaring. even my doctor called me a female predator. I let people know I'm attracted to them, as a friend or romantic interest, but I never. ever let them think I might need them more than they need me, because once I do that, I get into this situation, where nothing is enough. and in the circumstances where I meet someone so fascinated by me that they want to be enough - them wanting to give me what i want turns me right off. in conclusion: i'm fucked. so no, your imagining her pinning you down that way does not seem strange. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted August 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 have you ever ignored a friend for weeks at a time? Do you want your space? I guess the messages are conflicting. Some say you give what you need, as in, if you give space that is what you are seeking. others say that pushing people away is the only way they know how to react. It's the uncertainty that kills me. I am really learning a lot by posting here, and i think it is making me much more understanding as a result. Thank you for all of your anecdotes and help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaimie_CS Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 I often ignore my friends for weeks at at a time. Sometimes its because i need space (this is usually only with people I've been friends with for a long time) sometimes its a test - If they contact me, they care about me enough, if they dont, i just get angrier or more upset with them for not trying, eventually they go past the point of redemption. I'm sorry, i cant tell you which one it is for her this time..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted August 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 I sent another message today. three sentences total. Couldnt help it1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbadaze Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 whose the one with BPD???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 hey u never answered my question - how do u know she was saying things merely to get a reaction out of u? am not having a go lol, just i did the same thing for years, hence why i have no friends now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted August 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 whose the one with BPD???? Ok. This comment peeves me. Perhaps i have aspects of BPD-- who knows. But i don't think it is fair to fault me for feeling confused and hurt. maybe i should act cold-hearted and like i don't care? I mean, it seems like a no-win situation. I am not sure she INTENTIONALLY said things to get a rise out of me. Maybe she didn't. But she would talk about things that were clearly outside of what most peole would consider polite or sensitive. I am not going to post all of the stories-- that would take days. But, you know when you get a sense that people say and do things to get a reaction out of you, it feels intuitive. Shit, maybe i have BPD. You know , the wierd thing is, the more i have read up on it, the more i think i have tinges of it. The only reason i am unsure i would self-diagnose is that i don't have anger issues-- at least i dont think i do. I don't rage, or self-harm, or ever feel the need to self-harm. And i don't push people away, i usually want those i really love closer, and my actions are extensions of this. but who knows, i could be biased and distorted in my views of myself... ha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaimie_CS Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 I think that comment was unfair, of course you're confused and upset about the whole thing, its distressing. I think sometimes we get so caught up in the fact that our over-reactions rule our lives and a so overwhelming that we forget everyone has reactions, and they're not always logical or mild. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wobbles Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 I agree that comment was uncalled for. I think we need to remember that EVERYONE, diagnosis or not, has BPD 'traits'. What constitutes a diagnosis, or the need for one is how those traits negatively impact our everyday lives. BPD or not, i can see this situation would be hurtful and confusing, and you have every right to be here to ask for support and advice. Your friend may be feeling guilty, ashamed, disgusted with herself and overwhelmed, so much so that she is incapable of responding in a way that is not aggressive or lashing out. She may need more time to process everything. She may be pushing you away because she's so upset about what she feels she's done to you. I only say these things because i've done the same in the past. Feeling like the person i've hurt would be better off without me. Do you have her phone number? or the phone number of a mutual friend you can contact to find out if your friend is ok? The only thing i can suggest, is tell her, if you haven't already, that you are still there for her, still love her and want her friendship, want to work out any differences that come along, and then give her some time. In a week or two, send another email telling her you miss her, and are still there when she's ready. Obviously you can't do this forever, and you need to do what's best for you and your feelings as well. Regardless of BPD, sometimes people in friendships do things that are not acceptable or forgivable, and so friendships end. If your friend is hurting you beyond repair, you're within your rights to end the friendship. That's not splitting, it's being unable to resolve differences. We can't be friends with everyone we meet, and sometimes despite how much we try, people we want to be friends with sometimes don't want to be friends with us. That's life. Despite your efforts, you may need to take a step back and leave it up to her now mate, there is only so much you can do. I do hope things turn out for the best though. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 Hey that 'sense' you speak of, I have it also - it's called paranoia. It has destroyed every single friendship I have ever had Yes, I was right in some instances but more often than not it was a self fulfilling prophecy. I never found out if I was wrong because people would get so frustrated with me they would just ignore me (like your friend is). There was no reasonong with me. Now I recognise my paranoia for what it is. Too little too late however Friendships long lost and I am too scared to make new friends for fear of repeating my pattern. I ran round for over 10 years behaving the way I was, only in the last few months has it 'all fell into place'. Maybe as time goes on I will trust myself more. Idk. I believe acceptance is the key Just something to think about, not saying it is the same in this instance. Just sounds horribly familiar, that 'sense' you speak of. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted August 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 Yes, i agree. I think i just need to step back and let things be. Today's email was the last email. I will not come here and keep posting every paranoia i have-- i know it is draining. I appreciate all of your advice and help. If something develops and i need advice, perhaps i will come back to get opinions, but i have to take care of me and not dwell on it. Ultimately, life is good, and there are friends out there that can help me take my mind off of it. I also think why it has been so upsetting is because there were romantic feelings involved, so it wasn't just suzy the neighbor next door that stopped speaking to me. Again, thanks for your help. i hope i come back soon with good news, but, we'll see. thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaimie_CS Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 markscol - if you'd mentioned the romantic feelings earlier - call her. my educated guess is she's testing you. and dont do the pride thing, its not something she's doing intentionally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 Yes, i agree. I think i just need to step back and let things be. Today's email was the last email. I will not come here and keep posting every paranoia i have-- i know it is draining. I appreciate all of your advice and help. If something develops and i need advice, perhaps i will come back to get opinions, but i have to take care of me and not dwell on it. Ultimately, life is good, and there are friends out there that can help me take my mind off of it. I also think why it has been so upsetting is because there were romantic feelings involved, so it wasn't just suzy the neighbor next door that stopped speaking to me. Again, thanks for your help. i hope i come back soon with good news, but, we'll see. thanks Hey who said it was draining (unless it is draining for you, but am guessing it's draining whether you post or not), who said not to come back and post? I personally think it's good you have been able to post and get advice and different perspectives. I know if maybe I had someone speaking rationally to me over the years I might have recognised what I was doing a lot earlier. I'm far from judging you - if anything I empathise, it's an unpleasant world when you live with paranoia. Keep posting if it helps We don't need to do things alone ((((((((markscol)))))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted August 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 Ok, sorry i am back. LOL. But i got a response today. It wasn't long. I asked a question in my email i sent earlier today, and basically my friend answered my question. Didn't seem cold, but wasn't extensive or anything-- a total of 3 sentences. She didn't acknowledge all of my prior emails or the "falling out" (not really a falling out, but the frustration email, and subsequent apologetic emails). My reaction: the good news is that it is at least contact, right? That is better than nothing, and she is willing to ansewr my question and give me information.. The wierd/"bad" (but not really "bad," i guess) is that it didn't acknowledge my anxiety for the past two weeks, or apologize for hurting me, or anything, really. I guess the response is better than nothing, eh? Does anyone have insight into this? Have you ever ignored a friend, then...randomly or not so randomly decided to finally respond but with a very brief but polite response, but ignoring or just not bringing up the previous turmoil? If so, why? I am just wanting insight. Thanks guys! I really appreciate your help. You have no idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted August 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 also, i responded with an equally short message, but was still very nice. I thanked her for answering me. I didn't want to come off too strong, but i didn't want to just not respond either. Was this a good bad idea? I mean, there is no sense in opening bad wounds at this point, if she decided not to bring up all of our crap. Gah! i wish i had a secret formula that explained everything that made sense, but, alas! I am JUST IN SUCH HIGH SPIRITS WIT HTHIS RESPONSE. It is so frightening to think that you will never speak to someone that you care deeply about again. So, even if it is awkward ;between us, or "not the same"...in a way, i don't care. As long as she doesn't hate me. I know that is a very co-dependent thing to say, perhaps. but..at this point, i just want her to know that i will always be there. I dont expect much in return...and i dont have expectations. I just want to offer unconditional friendship--and love her from a distance if necessary-- because i think she is, deep down, a really special exceptional human being, even if her actions contradict that and she believes she is evil. (she has said this... in the beginning i thought she was crazy, but now after expereince some of her behaviors, i can at least see how she would think she is evil, even though i dont think she is evil..) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
placebo69a Posted August 13, 2009 Report Share Posted August 13, 2009 I've ignored friends for a lot longer than weeks for a time. It wasn't for want of space, I had plenty of space. I just demonized them in my head and burnt the bridges. They were often disappointed when it happened, but they never took it quite as hard as I did when I finally renewed contact. It did cause us to grow more distant, however. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emily elizabeth Posted August 13, 2009 Report Share Posted August 13, 2009 i do it all the time, i fall out with someone and either totally ignore them or completely lose my temper with them. then the next time we speak i won't mention anything and just act as though nothing ever happened. but if we fall out again i always bring up what they have said to me in the past. it gets to the point where my friends don't know where they stand with me and its really frustrating for them and me. sometimes i don't talk to anyone for a few weeks because i need to be alone to try and figure things out and make sense of things, or i just can't be bothered to struggle to try and get along with anyone, or think ppl are better off not having me in there lives. so just because she didn't message you back doesn't mean she hates you. maybe she just didn't know what to do or say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted August 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2009 I've ignored friends for a lot longer than weeks for a time. It wasn't for want of space, I had plenty of space. I just demonized them in my head and burnt the bridges. They were often disappointed when it happened, but they never took it quite as hard as I did when I finally renewed contact. It did cause us to grow more distant, however. Do you mean to say that they never took it as hard as you did, as in, when you finally contacted them they didn't seem to be as hurt as you that you were no longer close? And when you say you take it hard. Do you only come to take it hard after the demonizing, once you have renewed contact and realized what happened? What if a friend were to put up a fight so to speak throughout the "demonizing" phase, with regular e-mails just saying hello and telling you how much he/she cared for you? Would this disrupt the demonizing phase? Or is this just wishful thinking by a non-BPD? Is there anything that can be done after these silence-sessions that can, at least, prevent it from being too awkward? Like a sense of humor? Acting as though it never happened? Though, at the end of the day, I still must realize that i am powerless to a certain degree..... i accept that.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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