Newby...michelle X

[michelle1664]

Hi All

I'm new to this site so thought it was only polite to introduce myself.

I'm 27, a mother of two beautifull girls, in a relationship and training to be a nurse!

This is however the most stable I have been in my life but it comes at the loss of alot of emotional energy and coping techniques such as duvet dives (getting into bed and pulling the duvet over my head and crying my eyes out wishing i could just die so the pain would stop)

This is of course the alterative to suicide which is not an option with my little girls being so dependent on me... not that I havn't tried in moments of rage... and then comes the guilt!!!

Ok here's a bit of history, I left home at 15 due to violence and moved into a childrens home and started taking anti depressants.

I'm still not sure if the violence started because of my mood swings or vice versa.

I then entered into other violent relationships.

I fell pregnant with my first love at 19, he went to prison for violence 2 weeks before she was born. We split up I entered into another crazy relationship which ended in violence then a year later married my best friend and fell pregnant with baby number two.

This relationship was relatively stable but I wasn't in love! He was my buddy, and put up with my mood swings which I thought were due to depression. A year later we separated and got divorced.

In this time I also started 5 college courses and moved 15 times.

After the divorce I came off the anti depressants for the first time in 10 years and had a crazy few months of drinking excessively then met the guy i'm in love with now.

Now drug free I have started psychotherapy and been diagnosed as have borderline personality disorder...doesn't that sound awful! But I have to admit it came as I bit of a relief for both of us to realise I am not just a bitch.

I'm a regular girl really and most actually describe me as confident, bubbly and in controll, but I have another me that only those nearest to me know.

A girl who has no peak on her moods, when I get angry, I'm out of control, I feel the only way to calm down is to hurt myself and dull the emotional pain.

I lash out so others can feel that pain too because in those crazy moments I'm sure they have done this to me on purpose.

And then an hour later I reflect and wonder how on earth I get into that state and drown myself in guilt and question myself as a mother, lover and friend.

Two hours later my partner is confused and wants to talk but I avoid any negative communication, I try to change the topic of converstaion in the fear that I will escalate to that rage that poisons me once again.

He is being great however and taking steps to understand me and I am taking steps to understand myself in the hope that one day we will find the serenaty I crave.

I'm So pleased I have people to talk to who understand, thanks for reading x

[Swan]

Wow! Congratulations with being able to cope with the mood swings without drugs - that is really hard.

I know just what you mean about the Dx coming as a relief - that's how it was for me as well. I'd also left a violent marriage (although mostly it was emotional abuse and threats of violence) and I'd just collapsed and stayed that way for a year. I knew it couldn't be just ordinary depression because the symptoms just didn't fit. when I got a new doctor who worked it out, but rather than tell me just handed me the DSM IV manual and let me find it for myself (not so hard because the book's spine was open at that page) I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. Twenty years of misery and finally I realised that I wasn't just weird and odd and unique. It was such a relief.

Anyway, I just wanted to say welcome. This is a really nice place, very friendly and supportive, so I hope you like it here and decide to stay

:)

[Frog]

Wow again, that was a great post, and you sound as thought have really been through the mill I am sorry that you have but glad you seem alot better now.

when I was reading I saw that you said about your parter, who sounds great and thought maybe you should get him to read stuff on here to it might help him understand more as well. just a thought.

Glad you found us here and welcome, sending friendly hugs

Froggie :bigarmhug[1]:

[LadyMacbeth]

Glad you found us! Seems you really turned your life around. True inspiration.

Hope to get to know you. Welcome!

LM :wub:

[Paul]

Hi,

I hope this site helps you, you sound like you have found a good partner who is trying to understand the problems with your illness. You have been through a lot in your life, and survived - now is the time for healing and with the love and support of your partner, I am sure you can do this.

I also think that the idea of getting him to see what is being said on here will help, and he can also ask questions and gain that better understanding?

I was also wondering if you drink at all now? I gave up drink totaly nearly 4 years ago, when my (then) partner got me to take a look at my life, and drinking habits. I do have to say waking up in the morining without a hangover is great, but I do miss a good glass of wine with my food sometimes, and a nice cold glass of the Irish Black stuff now and then.

I wish you well, enjoy the site.

Keep safe

Paul

[Beat]

hello, wow that is some life you've had but i agree with LM, your post is inspirational. lol, Paul i know what you mean about the guiness, i do miss it or a nice bottle of chilled beer in a lovely hot bath, or a nice stiff whiskey. anyway, i digress, lol....once again welcome.

peace

beat xxx

[Alexa]

Hello

:welcomeani:

[Katherine]

Welcome Michelle,

from karie

[michelle1664]

Welcome Michelle,

from karie

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Wow to you guys too, Thanks for such a fast friendly response x

I've just re read my message and I have to add I didn't complete any of the college courses I started and I think alot of the action in my life was due to the fact I was continually trying to find myself and escape from things that made me unhappy ( that thing was probably bpd hence me not ever succeeding )

Also I think alot of my bad experiences were probably due to my own actions and a tendency to push people to their limits!

I think I will always be impulsive I just need to superglue my feet to the ground when the going gets tough! and yes I do still drink but its more for pleasure now rather than an escape...maybe escape sometimes!!! I need one vice!

Thanks again hope to speak soon x

[pandaprincess]

Hi there!

I think you'll fit in here. You are so lucky not to have ended up with another beater. An understanding partner has to help make it all worthwhile

...and children... children are the greatest little people. They dont put conditions on their love or devotion. They're so much more acceping than people, and they dont mind you singing or dancing with cuddly pandas!!!

[flora]

I have one thing to say - WOW!

It's so inspiring to hear of all you have overcome and for me personally especially to hear that you are training as a nurse. I was training to be a nurse too but after two episodes of psychotic depression and the re-emergence of my anorexia, I wasn't allowed to continue on health grounds. I SO want to work in the health service one day and hope i can do as well as you have.

My withdrawal from my nursing degree was followed by a series of hospitalisations (once under section) over a year. BUT I left hospital on 20th September and went back to uni to study social sciences. My ambition now is to do a postgrad conversion course to psychology - i want to be a clinical psychologist.

Thanks for sharing your progress with us and you should be congratulated, even tho I understand that things are not perfect. I'm a bit like that too. I'm supposedly doing fine, stopped all the self-harm and suicide attempts (except for an unfortuante incident in jan, I'm so upset with myself over that). My weight is ok too, I am at uni, seeing friends (most of whom have no idea about my health problems). But I cry myself to sleep at night and still think of dying, even tho I'm not considering it seriously. I write pages of self-absorbed stuff in my diary and have recently found this place to find support and express myself. I'm finding it difficult to admit my true feelings as everyone is so proud that I am supposedly better that I don't want to let them down, or be seen to fail - or to prove right those who thought i would never cope.

Anyway michelle, I'm thinking of you and i hope that for both of us it will start to get easier.

Lots of love flora xox

[michelle1664]

Thankyou Flora for such a lovely reply.

I have been really considering keeping away from this site after only being a member for a few days because i don't know why but I always regret telling people about myself and go away very ashamed, believing that people will think I'm throwing a sob story.

Your response was really reasuring however, along with the others, because here I feel like people believe me and listen and accept me without worrying that i'm nuts.

I dont talk to anyone at uni about this and only my partner knows I am in therapy because i'm so scared it will affect my uni and I've got to complete this course. I've never copmpleted anything before because I've always had a break down 3 months in.

I felt like dying the past few days after a really bad therapy session and if it had gone on much longer I dread to think what would have happened because I'm to scared to call the hospital or doc incase they inform occupational health.

If I got kicked off of this course I think that would finish me, I feel so sorry for you it must have been devistating and incredibly fustrating to loose an oppotunity you had already started.

You will end up in psychology if you want it bad enough I promise you, Don't rush, look after yourself and it will happen i promise i waited 10 years to gather the strength to do this. Even if I get kicked down I'll get back up I'm taking charge now I may have regular bursts where I lack emotional control but in between those I get stronger x

Take Care x

[flora]

Hi Michelle,

I certainly don't think you are crazy and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm the same but it's cos i'm wondering if it is healthy to be focusing on the bpd by coming on this site.

I have to tell you properly about my story with occupational health, so that you can avoid my mistakes.

The first mistake i made was lying on my initial health assessment form. The question they ask about mental health problems, i ticked no, because i believed i wouldn't be allowed to train if they found out. Turns out it is a dismissable offence to withold information from occy health. If you are qualified it renders your contract invalid and they can dismiss you on the spot. Whatever you do, don't lie to them. If you are truthful, the worst they can do is make you take time out. They would find it hard to stop you training because of the disability discrimination act.

The second mistake i made was having a borderline argument with the head of my course. She never got over it, even when i apologised.

I also made the mistake of confiding in a tutor about my past abuse. She thought i was making it up for attention.

The other mistake was, avoiding treatment because i believed i would be stopped from continuing with my course. I stopped my meds and didn't seek help when things started to fall apart, because i was afraid of occy health finding out. All that happened was that things got worse and worse and the tutors said i couldn't be relied on to seek help when i needed it.

You would be a fantastic nurse, don't give up. I have never finished a course yet either and i so want to be able to finish this one - i think for both of us we need to have the right support to make sure we get there this time.

Lots of love, flora xox

[michelle1664]

Thanks hun, Fab advice you have answered most of my worries x

And I know what you mean about focusing to much on bpd I seem to be obsessed at the mo as I've just been diagnosed and its getting me down big time!

Thanks again

Mx