Benway Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 I wake each morning at around 7ish, in physical pain, but wat is worse is the mental pain. Every morning i think about sui, how i can't cope, how i will be in pain for the rest of my life. Depressing tinking. Its hell. by the time i've coaxed myself to get up- usually round 10, taken my meds, fed da kitties, missed my kids (justin is in new york and stee as a broken ankle so he can't drive over, i kinda come 'round. But i am starting to dread mornings. Last nigt i slept downstairs, i pulled out te couch into a bed, and woke to the sound of my door being hammerred at. 'Noooo, go away!, The cable tv bloke, well, he came back twice, and i lay tere still as a doormouse in case he could see movement, every second cursing hs existance and mine too. At 8am i wanna die, not talk to cable men about sorting out the spare room. I hate when my doorbell goes, i hate when my mobile rings, i hate the nvasion of my privacy. I am looking after a cat i got for a friend wile se is on a weeks ol in spain, and if anyone deserves a hol, its her.but this is a Hellcat, she bites! . I try to pet her, hisssssss- and a paw swipes at me out of nowhere and a trickle of blood runs out. i took 30 quid for minding her- i wish i had not agreed to it, T had been let down by the previous ppl who agreed to mind her. (lucky bastards). The thing is, i have seen cindy in T's house , and shes ok, not a pure dote, but an ok cat. she has the best of everything, you know, all that luxury cat stuff- cat housies/trees, a pink diamonique collar, the best food, litter . but shes not a plesant cat??? it just dosent compute with me. i know T or her kids treat her very well, i am at a loss what to do with hellcat cindy. I got a new cat, girlie, from te same neighbour just before cindy was available- girlie. she is so sweet, loving, constantly purring, follows me everywere. i dunno. Cats! Im seeing a guy on a casual basis, im glad there is no pressure about doing 'it' but i think if i was not seeing tis guy to put me sane and watch me cry i would have spun off the planet a while back. i have a tenuous grip on sanity, and i think tis guy is a positive, he as kids, dosent drink, dosent drug- ever, dosent smoke- anymore. He calls me out on my depressed moods tho. sometimes i want him to go away, and then after 2 days of not seeing im, i find i enjoy his company better. i am not falling 'in love'. im too fucking cynical for that. We have a business idea, or rather, i did, and he has the connections etc to build it up, no, its not illegal, have wanted to do it for a while, but id need a strong well connected person with muc respect around ere to start it off. excuse my missing H-is'. I have to thump the keyboard to get the key to work, and i just started physiotherapy recently so my arms are not strong. Im still hiding behind my blinds , im nervous about someone else knocking on the door. i just want to be left alone, to zone out, smoke, drink coffee, play Torncity online, but its not i dont need human contact. I do. This depression and pain is driving me nutso. Normally if or when my depression gets this bad, i ask or just get addmitted- well sometimes they admit me, sometimes not. Feeling trapped because i have te cats plus my friends one. You know what i hate? I hate the way ill put myself out for someone, - but not expect them to do it for me, or to do such a good job as i could do. Last time i went to london i lost my precious kitty gawry, my 'friend' of 8 years wo i cut out of my life a few months ago- tence the name change, well, he let her out! At least i have my friends cat secure, and well fed, i came home from 3 days in ldn to a house with a drunken stoned mate, no cats, and empty food bowls. fucker hhad used to 20 quid i left for 3 days food on beer. and yet i still took him back as a friend, until he did something completely unforgivable that jepordised bot my son and my safety a few months ago. Its blown over now, tho i was gettin texts saying i was gonna pay, etc, (i.e. get shot). Im pretty sure im still anon on here, was para tho so that is wy i changed my name etc. Sorry for the rant- long 1 too, as usual. im just upset a lot atm, depressed, and finding the world a shtty place to be in. Sorry. Regards to you all. A.m x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted August 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 im so fucking upset. im fucking sui. help. i wish you cared, i wish you all had the politeness or caring to answer my posts, but you dont seem to, i am cut to the bone by this, i dont undersand why am i disliked here, i reach out for help and you read, but dont reply. ive just had enough of this poxy life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quiteemma Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 Benway you not disliked by me, i want you to no i have read your post.. i dont no wat to advice on feelings and i wish i did i so wish i did (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((benway))))))))))))))))))))))))) thinking of you xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge hugs hun i cant advise on the feelings purely because i know those feelings and know what i do to cope with them. all i can say is i like ya and im here as a friend the best i can be. think someties people dont read posts because they find them too close to home or if they do read them and dont reply its because they dont know what to say. on a practical level, Hellcat won't be there forever and you have done a nice thing and will feel good when your friend comes back and her cat is safe and well. sounds like you need to make more careful choices in regards to certain friendships. i know how hard that is, i know how naive i can be - i am so busy looking for what i can't see i miss what is under my nose you're allowed to say no, you know - after the first time it gets easier, I promise. it isn't right that people take advantage, i hate that people do that. i don't think people set out to do it, they just see an oppurtunity. it doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it easier when it is happening but it might help you realise that it isn't personal - it is their problem and they would do it to others. the guy u r seeing sounds good and is good u don't feel pressured by him. we need people like that to help us realise we ARE worthwhile, we DO have the right to say no. People knocking on the door - ugh, in a word! I hide, constantly also. So I don't know how to advise on that, but you're not alone in it. That fear when you hear the knock, sonvinced the person can hear your heart beating so loud, holding your breath wthout realising. It sucks it isn't our fault though but nor is it theirs. it's the stupid anxiety getting the better of us. Do you have meds? Please try to not hurt yourself. I'd miss you. You make me laugh and you have been a true friend through all my shit and I thank you for that. I know how hard it is to remember not feeling so shit, but we do have those days, I have spoke to you on your better days, so I know you do. Our lives are not fair, thats the bottom line Keep posting, sharing eases the loneliness I believe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted August 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 ty emma, your reply meant a lot please dont think i was demanding replies, i just am glad tat you said hello. im in bits here, i cant stop crying. i walked down to the chem to get my meds earlier cryin, have not done that in years. i just dont care to, cant turn off the tap now i turned it on... emma ty for saying u dont dislike me, i get para and wonder and everything gets all twisted up in my stupid head and before i know it im sui, convinced im universally hated and blah blah. i stoped smoking hash cos of the para i get wit it, but i still fuckin get it. sorry, i am feeling fucking sorry for myself again. i feel worthless, depressed, everything bad. toaster ty for replying too. i know u have your own stuff, you didnt haveta reply, im really glad you 2 did, its made me feel a little better. my eyes r all puffy n shit, o god i havent cried tis much in years... since my last b/f left 2 yrs ago, hysterics of cryin', believe me toaster i am counting the days (5) till hellcat goes back. i fed her earlier, more scratches. fuckit saved me doin it lol. if i has a lunatic pet i would put it in kennels- i ad no idea cindy was a hellcat. B is a nice guy. i wanna 'take it slow' like 1mph, with him. dont wanna 'fall in love', dont ever wanna be at anyones mercy again. you described me to te very detail- i was holding my breath with the guy outside, i just want my own space. but yet i want to tink people like me. paradox? im confused and scared and upset- dunno what trig it, i feel like it every morning recently. even thinking of taking anti-d's again, thats how bad. thinking of sui. yea toaster have meds but i will be good with them. ty both - means more than u will ever know-i try to fit in, i dont argue anymore, i avent in ages, sorry. guess just felt rejected on top of my oter shit. sorry for being so fucking needy, i hate this. i hate me. best wishes to you xxx annemarie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 don't be sorry, we all are needy at some point, I'm a friggin nightmare most days! crying sucks makes me feel weak and vulnerable....but i also know if i cry when i need to rather than hold it all in that maybe it'll be easier, cry a bit each each day rather than having a total attack every few months. its hard though, i know ((((((((((((annemarie))))))))))))))) idk why we are like that - wanting and needing people but wanting them gone at the same time. It's so confusing and frustrating. And to let someone in can hurt as well, love hurts. Perservere? Think it is all we can do My signature says 'the world is a lonely place when ur the only one in it' - its true. When you are so disconnected from the world, so internalised, both avoiding the real world and not allowing others into yours, it hurts. I think the face you have been able to share is good if we can overcome the loneliness then maybe we can work on the other shit. Hopefully. Lol I am an arguer also but i'm getting better at not arguing! Forget the reasons why you arent you arguing, hun......the fact you aren't is a good thing. And there is a difference between arguing and standing up for your rights, remember. ****+++++*+*+*+******+++*+*+*+*+****++*+*+*+*+****+++*+*+*+*+****++*+*+*+*+*+**+*+*+ thats feel better soon dust (no, not the sort you an put up ya nose ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelley Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 ((((((annemarie))))))) Im sorry you are having a shit time, I read your first post and then kinda skimmed over the rest. I can relate to hating the door bell go, and the phone ring when im on my own, my anxiety goes through the roof, and if we have a maintenance man due round I beg H not to go out untill he's been and gone. Also like you, if I have a job to do, like helping someone out, I do it to perfection, but never get the same back, and im like WTF is up with people ? Your not hated here, how could you be, and you are not worthless, your feeling shit, yet still took the time to talk to me, that's amazing of you! Anna xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 hey, i like you v much, just wasnt here at that time am a mess just now so cant reply anything helpful anyways, but thinking of you, hugsxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ms_fett Posted August 11, 2009 Report Share Posted August 11, 2009 Benway, I understand what you mean by putting yourself out there and not expecting the same in return. It's horrible that your former friend lost your cats I drop everything to do what I can for my friends now so they won't let me disappear when I get really depressed but that's just too much to ask of them it seems. Life isn't all crap. Sometimes it feels like all you can do is hug your kitties but it will get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 Benway, your'e not disliked by me. As said above, sometimes people, and me included, don't read certain posts if the title suggests a trigger. I just saw this post. Sometimes posts take a few days to be picked up by people, like you might get one reply, then a few days later, more replies. You aren't on benzos or sleepers by any chance are you? Reason I ask, is because I am addicted to prescription tranquilisers, got a drugs worker now. I dread mornings. Anxious mornings are a well known symptom of benzo use. Not saying you are an addict, but these types of drugs reverse effect kicks in on a morning, as cortisol (stress hormone) is higher. As for people knocking at the door, all i want to do is hide from them, and close my curtains. I even have a dark bedsheet over my bedroom curtains, as I cannot stand the early morning brightness coming through. If you are sui please tell someone, I am sure they would rather help you than find you dead. Pleasae stay safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted August 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 /*, ty all for your replies, + sw - i ave upper body 'lock' and its a total pain-complete upper body stiffness- not able to lift arms, feel like a barbie tat has been swung round by its arms for a while by a bored kid) i am on opiate painkillers and diazepam every 4 hours- 5mgx 6= 30mg. if i don't take it, my body 'locks, and i end up down in a & e. ithey are not sure wat it is, still running tests, but its painful- no, agonising, and if i didnt take the valium id be worse. first time ive ever been warned to take valium regularly! i am also a recovering agorapobic- i went out past my village today (it lost its idiot) and that is unusual for me, i ave been on xanax for 10 years. of course im addicted to benzos! but i don't want to stop taking them atm. i really need them. i know it sounds really weak and addict-y, but i am in bits without them. I have to take them also as i am in physiotherapy weekly, and my muscles simply would not be limber enough to move if i didnt. i have 'penguin arms' atm, i can't raise tem. it really sucks, i miss yoga so much, and it causes me A LOT of pain. I havefibromylgia also, and find i get treated like a flippin princess at the hospital for my pysical ailments, but not so much for the mental ones. i wish drs would treat MH ppls te same i know wat u mean about trigger topics, sorry, i didnt think, it was this horrible twisted 'borderliney' frame of mind i was in when i posted. ty for your reply tho. its good to know it was just paranoia yesterday. sometimes i dont know whats paranoia and what is reality. hi ms_fett. nice to meet you like F Anna said, why do we do things for ppl to perfection, and not granted te same respect? ty btw, i really grieved for that cat, luckily te other 2 came back, but after 18 months i called to my neighbours on te next road, she runs a mini cat sanctuary, n told me she had some kittens. i just went in to see tem, but fell in love w the moter- a really really young white cat with black markings- i actually started cryin! then the cat ran over to me! so i kept her, i have her 3 months now, her name is girly. i 'll post a pic up of ma baby soon. se follows me everywhere, and i bet se'd win cat 'mastermind' subject- 'comfy places to sleep' F. Anna, ty too for your reply. i just dont gt that thing with doing favours for ppl when they ask, yet tey wouldnt give u a fuckin fag if ya were stuck- grrrrr, ty for your comments, silly para me, i am not hated. and (4) more days of cindy. i am an animal lover, and couldn't hurt one if i tried, but cindy has really being testing me out on tat one. i cant pet her, feed er, go near her- or i am attacked by her. se is loopy. so i now have a right and with 2 cat bites and numerous scars on it, to matc the left arm wihich i apparantly cut last nigth and ave no recollection of. sorry about the essay, but te shit hit the fan at 9pm last night wen i said to B i was watcing the prog on autism. he accused me of being only interested in depressin' topics, and when i said about this group, he said tat 'sure theyre all lying to get attention'. that made me so fucking mad, so i callenged him on it, and he said, ' i guess tis is our first row, im off'- yeah, good, i said, and took a few ativan i had for emergencies. a lot is a blank. e is trif my ED hugely at the mo, by having daily weig ins on the wii fit. and if i put on say, 0.3kg, he says, so what did you eat last night after i went ? and stuff like that. he wants to lose weight, and im a 14, with an ed, and now im living on a portion of fruit salad from the local shop a day. he is 15 st, was 16 when e started, but thinks id look better at a size 10, he likes slimmer women. yeah, i know, i know. im a fucking doormat. i want to tell him to get lost for good now, it feels like hes my dad or sumthin, he as a daughter the same age as me, he has 18 kids (i 'only' tought e had 11!), and would like anoter... keeps goin on about it. tat is NOT what i wanna be! i'm not even sure im straight, never mind get caught again in my late 30's! gonna have a talk wit him tommorrow, but im terrified, i dont know wy... es v manipulative, and i was under the thumb b4 i knew it. why te fook do i always attract the wrong ppl? better off on my own. sorry 4 ranting. ty all- im tearing up again here, i really am grateful to you guys for your elp, just feel so alone sometimes. take care all, best regards, a.m xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 The benzos are what is causing the pain. You can taper off safely and eventually recover. Thetrap.org.uk is a forum full of helpful advice. They even give info on tapering safely and as painlessly as possible. The longer you go on taking them, the worse you will be, and the more you will need. All is not lost though, healing is there. I strongly urge you to go to that forum, they are a friendly and very informed bunch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted August 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 sw- i was mangled in a car crash 5 years ago- that is what is causing te pain. that, and the musclur-skeletal problem i have. i cannot come off tem, nor do i want to. both my consultant for physio & my psych wants me on them. i feel like your tryin to make me feel guilty for being on them.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 hi benway, just tried to pm you but i think it didnt go through. i just wanted to say , i did read your post, i just didnt feel able to post at the time. i hope you are feeling better. and if you wanna chat on pm, anytime, i would be happy to do that xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
placebo69a Posted August 13, 2009 Report Share Posted August 13, 2009 Hey! Just wanted to say I like ya. :hug2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted August 13, 2009 Report Share Posted August 13, 2009 sw- i was mangled in a car crash 5 years ago- that is what is causing te pain. that, and the musclur-skeletal problem i have. i cannot come off tem, nor do i want to. both my consultant for physio & my psych wants me on them. i feel like your tryin to make me feel guilty for being on them.... physical pain is shitty, i went through extreeme tension in my body when i came off diaz and dia morphine after injurys, iv got probs with my spine also which complicate things too as i have to be v careful not to over do physio etc, but i came off these only after physio recommendation. its will hurt like carsy to come off them, but ofcourse taht should only be done when medical people say too, and with their help and advice. i hope their investigations help and they can fidn a way ahead. thinking of youxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 sw- i was mangled in a car crash 5 years ago- that is what is causing te pain. that, and the musclur-skeletal problem i have. i cannot come off tem, nor do i want to. both my consultant for physio & my psych wants me on them. i feel like your tryin to make me feel guilty for being on them.... Am sooooooooooooooo sorry if that is how I came across. I do not want you to feel guilt, because the guilt will just add to your problems. While not detracting from the car crash (sorry to hear of that) the benzos will make you worse. I would be a focking hypocrite if I were to make you feel guilty as I am a full blown benzo addict myself. The word addict is shit, but I use it in the sense that we both have been prescribed physically and mentally habit forming drugs. When my addiction is over, yeah, I will still be obsessive compulsive, I may still sh a few times a year like I used to, I may still have personal relationship difficulties, and I may still have agorophobia, and the rest of my pre existing symptoms, as all those were there long before i took a benzo, but my benzos have made all those happen at once. At least before I wasnt sh'ing while being compulsively obsessed, and agorophobic all at once, before benzos I seemed to get one symptom a day, now they seem to happen all at once. Of course your docs wont want you off them, but they are ignorant. Again, I apologise for how my post came across, verbal expression difficulty is my issue. No hard feelings here. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted August 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 hi roxy &sw and thank you for your replies have better spelling now due to a loan of a friends puter. before my keyboard was a bit awkward and i literally did not have the strenght to 'strike' the keys. sw- i am going to say this straight to your face. you are on an anti-benzo crusade that i don't feel has any place here in this community. i have strong beliefs about certain things e.g.- anti-depressants,eating meat, etc but i don't blame everyone on here's ills on them being on an anti-depressant, or a meat diet. You say my drs are ignorant- why? I know about PAWS, Prof Heather Ashton, et al. But you are NOT a dr, and i don't think you should be bastardising any category of drug until you are one. I have read a lot of 'anti-psychiatry' books, and until yesterday had a link to an anti psychiatry website as my sig. But then I thought about it, and took it down. I realised it might offend some people who are doing well on their anti-depressants or other meds. Do you know what other drugs that i am on that 'might be causing the pain'? No, you don't. You assume its benzo's. There are question marks above every psych drug- the anti-psychotics (long term neurological damage) , the benzodiazapines- protracted withdrawl, rebound anxiety etc, the anti depressants- increased suicidality. All this has been proven. And there are question marks above other classes of pharmaceuticals as well. Any time i read a post about someone on benzos, you chime in with your 'its time you got off that stuff, here's a link, ' etc. Benzo addiction and recovery is your bag, its not mine. I am happy on what i'm prescribed, because i NEED it right now, otherwise my whole upper body 'locks' and i have to go to A&E for an injection and neck brace for 24-48 hours. I will happily take my benzodiazapine medication as prescribed to me by 2 consultants. Its the only thing, along with opiod painkillers , that nearly works. And while you offer me an apology, you still claim you are right, -"your drs are ignorant" , ^the benzos will make you worse", so I don't see it really as an apology. And i think you should hold back on your strong viewpoints, as i do on mine. You have your website to talk about the evils of benzos, i really don't think here is appropriate. Benway Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted August 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 sw- i was mangled in a car crash 5 years ago- that is what is causing te pain. that, and the musclur-skeletal problem i have. i cannot come off tem, nor do i want to. both my consultant for physio & my psych wants me on them. i feel like your tryin to make me feel guilty for being on them.... physical pain is shitty, i went through extreeme tension in my body when i came off diaz and dia morphine after injurys, iv got probs with my spine also which complicate things too as i have to be v careful not to over do physio etc, but i came off these only after physio recommendation. its will hurt like carsy to come off them, but ofcourse taht should only be done when medical people say too, and with their help and advice. i hope their investigations help and they can fidn a way ahead. thinking of youxxxx hi roxy, shit, sorry you have been through so much. I did not know that you were in physio, and have spinal problems too. it really sucks. I was on here earlier today, spent about an hour typing, browsing, etc. Fook, did i pay for it all day. My 14 yr old helped me a lot as i could do virtually nothing. Its getting really bad now, that sleep is a relief, and waking is hell. I got a lot of £ after the crash, did up the house, etc, but no amount of £ can ever compensate i now realise. You did well coming off opiates, i would not be able to go thru that again, im keeping everything i got crossed hoping they swap me over to the fentanyl patch. Physio is a bitch huh? ty for your reply, im kinda tearful atm, feeling like a useless lump of damaged flesh. ty roxy a,m x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted August 15, 2009 Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 Benway I am pissed off with benzos, and have my opinion, but that is only my opinion offered. I acknowledge that you have to do what you want to do. I dont mean to come across bossy, I just hate seeing nice people suffer. I'm on antidepressants too. I used to eat meat, but I found that since I cold turkeyed off benzos a few months ago, I became intolerant of it. I think live and let live. No I am not a doctor. It was my own doctor who admitted her limited knowledge on benzos, but now I have her support. If you go for antipsychiatry thats upto you. I am also entititled to my opinion though, but at the same time, I respect that others may have different views. We dont need to agree, we just need to acknowledge everyone has differing views. I have studied benzos alot, purely because I was very ill a few months ago, and didnt know what it was until I discovered all my personal worsening symptoms were due to me cold turkeying off benzos and going into withdrawal. I was so ill, I twice asked to be sectioned for my own safety. While I do self harm a few times a year, I was self harming a few times a week. We all have to go our own road though. I dont say "It's time you came off that stuff" I just put forward what I had learnt. I need my benzos right now, otherwise I would not be stable, and Princess Di has a better chance of getting a bed in our local psychey ward than me. I am really sorry you are in pain, though, sincerely. I was apologising in case I came across wrong. I thought this forum was a place where, although people have different views, we each respected the differences, while going our own way. It's your life at the end of the day, and this is mine. I plan to stabilise and taper off, but you may plan different. I never tried to force you or bully you. Which path you take, is up to you, and I wish you the least pain and best of luck with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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