roxy222 Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 i think its a very good thing for people to be proactive in what happens on here, your mocking is patronising Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbadaze Posted August 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 I am surprised at how personal this has made people feel...actually it wasn't this forum per se I was referring too in my original post..I have read this forum for some time and see quite a few disagreements and felt perhaps this was a safer forum to air my more then delicate feelings on the matter...actually what this thread as shown me isssssssssssssss that if you scratch a little deeper then the blood does flow and the "little house on the prairie" aroma does evaporate rather quickly...compassion and understanding seems to have conditions....just as I thought....which is fine.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 people can have differeing opinions and views all the time, doesnt mean they dont feel compassion for each other when struggling to feel both is human im suprised you would refer to the little house on the prairie act, none of us who have replied here do that, although there are people on this site, same as any, that do that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 Placebo - your overreactting. however, it's interesting that my mind is sometimes similar to an investigator/police officer but I put that down to the fact that I have generations of police professions in my family, my dad, my mum, my grandad, great uncle, uncle, aunty, brother, sister and finally me for 5 years. I guess the police mind is inherent in me and there is very little I can do about it so it is not without reason. And to all those who hate the fucking police, well, I've heard it all before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kelpy Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 i give my support as & when i want & it's wanted, thought this site site was about supporting each other, being nice to each other costs nothing,nor does being polite, whats the point of being here if yr not happy to give & recieve. ya gotta give out to get back in. works both ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
placebo69a Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 I wasn't mocking anybody and I'm not overreacting. You're welcome to think I am. But the reality of things is that I found the back and forth entertaining, not laughable. And my reaction was measured and well thought out. I took the time to write what I feel and why I feel that way. I didn't just throw out wild accusations without backing them up with any real evidence. Please check yourself before you blame me of misconduct. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 something that is genuine and important being found entertain is dismissive, no one is blaming you of misconduct, we are stating how you comment appeared, it may have been well thought out, but it was still tactless and unhelpful Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
placebo69a Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 I don't think so. I think if you had gone on to read what I had to say and not just how it made me feel you would have found it very helpful, but I can understand how you could misinterpret that first line of it and ignored the rest as a result. And yes, I do think forum users policing the forums and trolling should be dismissed. It may be genuine but there is nothing important about it. The important thing is that we get along and help each other, not take cheap shots at each other when we are trying to do just that. Do you think you can try to respond without resorting to name calling? Stating your opinion of what I say as a fact is a misrepresentation of the facts. I won't respond to another one of these attacks on my character. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 And yes, I do think forum users policing the forums and trolling should be dismissed. It may be genuine but there is nothing important about it. The important thing is that we get along and help each other, not take cheap shots at each other when we are trying to do just that. Am I being paranoid or have I done something really bad that you think I should be dismissed? Is there some social faux pas that I am oblivious to here? Or have I stepped on territory that I am unaware of. I have never joined any forum before, only this one. I never talk in chat anywhere. I have no cyber friends. I am just a BPD sufferer who is off work, nothing to do except try and get better. What exactly have I done Placebo? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbadaze Posted August 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 Hello, Melba waves!...I ehhh, guess I am trying to work through some painful stuff here...it seems to be a catalyst for stuff that is just waiting for an opportunity to be expressed...in that caase perhaps I am sent by "god"? (wink)...I dunno...perhaps its my own abusive character that I am trying to resist??...perhaps??...but people are to quick to defend and not see that its not THEM...it can just be someone else that is in pain and trying to find what their point on this earth is if they can't feel emotions apart from anger perhaps??? I'm not sure...I cannot pretend to be better then what I am....I feel outside of society..to damaged to ever play the "game"....I need honesty.....I need to find someone that can reassure me that I am not mad...nor an abuser...but just a wound looking for a healer.....I am afraid I can hurt people....I Need to know theres other out there that has that fear too...living in a world of "little Joe" isn't helping...it confuses me because I sense some unreality about it.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 I try to keep my responses polite just as I do in real life - though I come into more contact with people on here than in real life, and also of more variety. I have bad days where I am emotional and react badly to things but I'm willing to accept when I was wrong in either what I have said or how I have said it - again just like I do in real life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 i originally offered you MY honesty. you said it was false. i stick and fight to keep people ok, my own fault, i do it in rl to, wanna help, people. but. i cant help defend my friends on here. i really do care about them. and the point you made before, saying the compassion soon evaporates. well, i did offer, again you rejected. so i defend my corner, dont forget i have issues to, so if i feel rejected, i defend. i am sosrry however that this has turned into yet another debate. i tried to step out of it. but it seems its going on and on. you still have my support, im not reading this post any more, but if you post anywhere, i would read it and try. not that my opinion counts for much. but now in the back of my mind, i will be thinkin. well i know this person thinks im false. i do appreciate the fact you thought it about another forum. but you didnt say that to begin with anyway its done now. i hope you can work through your confusion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 When people respond defensively because they feel offended or attacked or triggered this does not mean they have dropped any kind of act or that they are no longer nice people. Nice people have bad days, nice people have arguments, nice people have triggers and feelings. However trying to be nice, kind, polite to people because that is our own set of values does not make us fake even if we have an off day or a bad moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbadaze Posted August 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 why would we wanna hut you. and im sorry but i find you term 'little house on the prairie' act offesinve. its one thing mocking us when we are trying to be compsionate and empathising with people. some people genuinely find that difficult on here, but they challenge they're views. I find it even more offesive that you call it an act, like i said people do not have to respon to you or anyone else on here. maybe you dont feel comfortable accepting this kind of response, cos you see it as fake, im sorry but that is your isse and if you aren't prepared to challenge it, then i think its unfair you should ask me to. not that you did personally. after my first post, i tried above to see it in another way, tried to relate.open my eyes to other ways of thinking. i just find that you are judging people on here who may already find it hard to post, adn now, after reading this, if they are worried or insecure, may feel that when people give genuine replies, they arent to be trusted. i think thats unfair of you. this topic is interesting, i actually do understand what it is like to have a narcissitc/maunchausens mother, she was a nightmare. and at times can still be very fake and false, she was pretty evil to me as a child. how ever my main problem is with her. not the rest of the world. although i do find people in rl to trust. like i said, on here, i feel safe. what do you think it would take you to not find us false? no hugs, no kisses, does that really make what a post or a reply is about and weather its worthy of trusting or not! i am not very articulate and i struggle with stuff like this cos i cant get it clearly, but i hope you understand my poin. not a nag, just a disagreement with you. What would it take??? I dunno...am I judging? I guess I am...thats what I do...I don't get time to relax and let go...must defend at all costs...I'm not sure what I'm looking for.....I wonder if cyberspace attracks a certain sort of individual? I don't know....I wonder if some people just aren't suited to cyberspace???...am I trying to recreate my earlier experiences of not feeling I belong? my issues are deep and complex....I guess I'm not just a "victim" type of person but also the type of person that needs to rid themselves of the cruelty afflicted on them???? I wish I could cut that part of me out...but I can't....perhaps I'm not being fair on cyberspace nor on myself???? cyberspace feels like a delusion that I am drawn too and my battle begins....I must escape my tormentors...I see the world through my abuse....I do not see the real world... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbadaze Posted August 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 When people respond defensively because they feel offended or attacked or triggered this does not mean they have dropped any kind of act or that they are no longer nice people. Nice people have bad days, nice people have arguments, nice people have triggers and feelings. However trying to be nice, kind, polite to people because that is our own set of values does not make us fake even if we have an off day or a bad moment. Then I want to be accepted also for having triggers....I want to be able to explore these issues and not feel I have commited a cardinal sin..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
placebo69a Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 And yes, I do think forum users policing the forums and trolling should be dismissed. It may be genuine but there is nothing important about it. The important thing is that we get along and help each other, not take cheap shots at each other when we are trying to do just that. Am I being paranoid or have I done something really bad that you think I should be dismissed? Is there some social faux pas that I am oblivious to here? Or have I stepped on territory that I am unaware of. I have never joined any forum before, only this one. I never talk in chat anywhere. I have no cyber friends. I am just a BPD sufferer who is off work, nothing to do except try and get better. What exactly have I done Placebo? Where exactly did I say you should be dismissed? I said forum users policing the forums and trolling should be dismissed, it wasn't the best phrasing. I meant the policing and the trolling should be dismissed, not the users. I never mentioned your name though, so I'm not sure why you're reacting. Do you feel like you were policing the forums or trolling? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 TBH placebo I'm completely fucking paranoid today and I've been accused of wanting the forums 'policed' before and with most of my family in the 'police' I'm turning into a jibbering wreck of total paranoia! Ok, so let's leave it then. I don't understand what you are referring to with the trolls and stuff but I'm sure I'm gonna be none the wiser for knowing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 When people respond defensively because they feel offended or attacked or triggered this does not mean they have dropped any kind of act or that they are no longer nice people. Nice people have bad days, nice people have arguments, nice people have triggers and feelings. However trying to be nice, kind, polite to people because that is our own set of values does not make us fake even if we have an off day or a bad moment. Then I want to be accepted also for having triggers....I want to be able to explore these issues and not feel I have commited a cardinal sin..... Noone here has said you won't be unaccepted for not being nicey nicey - however people have said they feel offended at being called fake. They are just being honest like you are. I see lots of people on this forum not into hugs and kisses and there there and oh dear and awwwwww (i think these are the nicey nicey statements you refer to?) Also is us accepting you not being nice? Which you've said you don't like and think of as fake. So how do we win? I'm happy to accept you as you are, I don't need hugs and kisses to make me feel better. I prefer honesty - even brutal honesty over being humoured by someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbadaze Posted August 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 When people respond defensively because they feel offended or attacked or triggered this does not mean they have dropped any kind of act or that they are no longer nice people. Nice people have bad days, nice people have arguments, nice people have triggers and feelings. However trying to be nice, kind, polite to people because that is our own set of values does not make us fake even if we have an off day or a bad moment. Then I want to be accepted also for having triggers....I want to be able to explore these issues and not feel I have commited a cardinal sin..... Noone here has said you won't be unaccepted for not being nicey nicey - however people have said they feel offended at being called fake. They are just being honest like you are. I see lots of people on this forum not into hugs and kisses and there there and oh dear and awwwwww (i think these are the nicey nicey statements you refer to?) Also is us accepting you not being nice? Which you've said you don't like and think of as fake. So how do we win? I'm happy to accept you as you are, I don't need hugs and kisses to make me feel better. I prefer honesty - even brutal honesty over being humoured by someone. Also is us accepting you not being nice? Which you've said you don't like and think of as fake. So how do we win? Oh yes I see your point...perhaps I'm trying to project the chaos I feel inside of me, to outside of me??? a double bind I seem to have myself in?? I feel conflicted inside, ambivilance galore.....acceptence is ok for me, but not for others? I need to go think about this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
placebo69a Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 Here's an idea that might help you reconcile the two extremes: A person can be both of those things at once. For instance, you can be kind to a stranger but not trust them. When you're telling a white lie (say you think your friend's new haircut is ugly, but you tell them it suits them instead) you're not telling the truth of what's on your mind but you're not exactly trying to deceive the person you're lying to. You're trying to be polite so their feelings won't get hurt. So you're being kind, but you're not being completely honest. Can you think of other examples where you yourself have "acted" nice, but with good intentions? Can you think of examples where you were honest, but you were being honest out of malice? These examples can help you mitigate the feeling you get that people are only "acting" nice, or when you feel like you should be honest but it seems wrong to do so. I firmly believe in honesty as the best policy but every rule has its exceptions. I won't tell my boss I think he's stupid because I'd rather keep my job than be honest and homeless. I won't tell my best friend her hair looks ugly because I'd rather keep my friend than be honest and lonely. Honesty is important but it's not the only important thing in the world. Respecting other people's feelings is sometimes more important than being honest, wouldn't you agree? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbadaze Posted August 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 Here's an idea that might help you reconcile the two extremes: A person can be both of those things at once. For instance, you can be kind to a stranger but not trust them. When you're telling a white lie (say you think your friend's new haircut is ugly, but you tell them it suits them instead) you're not telling the truth of what's on your mind but you're not exactly trying to deceive the person you're lying to. You're trying to be polite so their feelings won't get hurt. So you're being kind, but you're not being completely honest. Can you think of other examples where you yourself have "acted" nice, but with good intentions? Can you think of examples where you were honest, but you were being honest out of malice? These examples can help you mitigate the feeling you get that people are only "acting" nice, or when you feel like you should be honest but it seems wrong to do so. I firmly believe in honesty as the best policy but every rule has its exceptions. I won't tell my boss I think he's stupid because I'd rather keep my job than be honest and homeless. I won't tell my best friend her hair looks ugly because I'd rather keep my friend than be honest and lonely. Honesty is important but it's not the only important thing in the world. Respecting other people's feelings is sometimes more important than being honest, wouldn't you agree? yes, I think its past rage from someone prefering to hurt my feelings rather then a little white lie...its like how do you begin to see the good in the world when you've seen it at its worse... Thanks to all who stuck with this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 Your welcome. I try to be understanding - but in many cases effort isn't needed because I've been there and done that - in your case, I have been there done that - I also have a narcisstic mother and been abused in childhood and adulthood so I know how hard it is to trust - most abusers groom first meaning they appear ultra nice at first and then we get the shock or our lives and from then on we second guess others that are nice to us - how do we know they are not going to suddenly change after I invest my trust and care and feelings into that person? However on an online forum I feel safer because I feel I can't come to any real harm and even if the person turns out not to be what they seemed at first - although upsetting would not do the same kind of damage to me as it would in real life, and so therefore I feel able to give the benefit of the doubt. I can also recognise that someone being defensive does not make them a bad person or fake when they are nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbadaze Posted August 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 Your welcome. I try to be understanding - but in many cases effort isn't needed because I've been there and done that - in your case, I have been there done that - I also have a narcisstic mother and been abused in childhood and adulthood so I know how hard it is to trust - most abusers groom first meaning they appear ultra nice at first and then we get the shock or our lives and from then on we second guess others that are nice to us - how do we know they are not going to suddenly change after I invest my trust and care and feelings into that person? However on an online forum I feel safer because I feel I can't come to any real harm and even if the person turns out not to be what they seemed at first - although upsetting would not do the same kind of damage to me as it would in real life, and so therefore I feel able to give the benefit of the doubt. I can also recognise that someone being defensive does not make them a bad person or fake when they are nice. True. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 I don't think so. I think if you had gone on to read what I had to say and not just how it made me feel you would have found it very helpful, but I can understand how you could misinterpret that first line of it and ignored the rest as a result. And yes, I do think forum users policing the forums and trolling should be dismissed. It may be genuine but there is nothing important about it. The important thing is that we get along and help each other, not take cheap shots at each other when we are trying to do just that. Do you think you can try to respond without resorting to name calling? Stating your opinion of what I say as a fact is a misrepresentation of the facts. I won't respond to another one of these attacks on my character. there was no name calling or attacks on your charater Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 Hello, Melba waves!...I ehhh, guess I am trying to work through some painful stuff here...it seems to be a catalyst for stuff that is just waiting for an opportunity to be expressed...in that caase perhaps I am sent by "god"? (wink)...I dunno...perhaps its my own abusive character that I am trying to resist??...perhaps??...but people are to quick to defend and not see that its not THEM...it can just be someone else that is in pain and trying to find what their point on this earth is if they can't feel emotions apart from anger perhaps??? I'm not sure...I cannot pretend to be better then what I am....I feel outside of society..to damaged to ever play the "game"....I need honesty.....I need to find someone that can reassure me that I am not mad...nor an abuser...but just a wound looking for a healer.....I am afraid I can hurt people....I Need to know theres other out there that has that fear too...living in a world of "little Joe" isn't helping...it confuses me because I sense some unreality about it.... you are not mad, honesty is very important, and you shouldnt worry about offending people at every turn, thatd make life too difficult but all that doesnt mean that niceness isnt sometimes just that, in and of itself, and just because that is ok to be that doesnt mean you have to try and be anything your not, no one will expect that of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.