Sammy Posted August 15, 2009 Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 Yep it's ok for us to have no remorse and blame our illness but god forbid a psychopath would! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bibiddi Posted August 15, 2009 Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 Ruth, can I ask, how do you feel about having to change, and not using your diagnosis as something to blame? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted August 15, 2009 Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 exactly sammy, your words i find hit the mark, ur a good en sammy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth24 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 Hiya, I am sorry that i have hurt people. I hav done a lot of sould searching whilst on my holiday and yes, I should have amed this post at myself rather than those with BPDin general. If you could read my post and make it specifically to me and not eeryone with BPD that would be apprecated. I don't want to tar everybody with my brush, so i deeply apologise (even though in the fisrt post I said i wouldn't). i have been very insensitive and i sincerely apologise. These are my opinions about me and my BPD. Sorry-I don't have my diary as an outlet! Left it in bedside cabinet. Darn! Mum coming over in ten minutes-oh lord gve me strength I love you all and am annoyed with myself for being offensive and insensitive. I'm having a very emotional holiday, seeing my family, and I NEED my diary instead of rambling insensitive opinions to you lot. I hope yu acept my apology xxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted August 15, 2009 Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 I am sorry that i have hurt people. Don't be sorry, its your honest opinion. You are entitled to an opinion! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted August 15, 2009 Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 you are a lovely person ruthie and you should be allowed to say what you feel, its just like what i said to foreva, when we dont know someone very well, chances are our defences are up. i hope it goes ok with mum. looking forward to having you back lots xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted August 15, 2009 Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 Ok Ruth, I have re-read this entire post this morning because 'using BPD as an excuse' has been thrown at me by both my ex husband, parents and current boyfriend and rather than help me, it has always had a negative effect. It is a sweeping invalidation of the very real problems my brain has when encountering raw emotion. I was able to see from some of the posts that using it as an 'explanation' has indeed proved to be a very valid, very life affirming way of recognising it as an illness. Being able to explain my reactions before I was aware of the condition has helped me to overcome the self loathing that plagued me when I thought I was 'crazy for no good reason'. Since diagnosis however, and now that I am in therapy and medicated to help the feelings associated with having the condition, I do have some insight into my behaviour and this does help to recognise impulsive behaviour as it happens. So, I have been able to control alot of my behaviour now. But it really is a long term treatment and there is no quick or simple solution. However, I want to reach out to you directly Ruth. If you have the balls to admit that you have yourself used BPD as an 'excuse' for your behaviour then I admire you. It takes courage to own up to something like that and the personal revelation for you I am sure, will help you. To have the insight to know what you have done with the knowledge, i.e. used it as an excuse so you didn't have to face the ugliness of your actions and take responsibility is a huge step not only for you but for others who will find themselves in the same position as you on their own road to recovery. I really want you to know that while I appreciate your apology and that you have had some time to think, I think you probably realised yourself that it was specifically you and people like you that you were referring to and infact I wish to apologize for taking this so personally as it does not in the main apply to me. However, it did touch a nerve and for anyone out there who has has that same sentiment thrown at them by people, either take note and accept that maybe you are similar to Ruth in that you do need to admit to using it as an excuse or like me, ignore the comment and put it down to a misunderstanding of people that is bound to happen. I refer to a comment made in my group therapy to a guy suffering from depression. A member said to him 'You are bringing this all on yourself, change your attitude, see the good things you have in life. I have no sympathy for you'. To which, (obviously) the depressed guy got very angry and nearly started crying. It was plain to all the group that this person was trying their upmost to get out of his personal hell, but to the other member, he misread it and the accusation infact said more about him than anyone else. I ahve to add that at the end of this session (it was only last week) the member who had made the comment had gone through a little transformation himslef, realising that he was 'angry' with depressed guy for not pulling it together, but this was more of an insight into his anger and infact had nothing to do with the poor guy on the receving end of his rant. Wow, I've never said so much in one post but Ruth, I really feel you are making progress and I am very happy for you. It takes alot of time and hard work but I too believe that by the time I'm 60 (if I make it that lone lol) I will finally be free of this very misunderstood mental illness. Keep up the good work and remember, you are only human and for that, you have my respect again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saffron Posted August 15, 2009 Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 I feel Ruth needed to vent out but generalising problems will enevitibly get peoples hackles up. However, if that is how she feels then so be it she has the right to feel however she wants to. Same as everyone on here does. On BPD, or PD, lets say, because we know there are a lot of elements to personality disorders, I would have to say that by definition of the words we have a disorder of our personality. the definition of personality is: The quality or condition of being a person. The totality of qualities and traits, as of character or behavior, that are peculiar to a specific person. The pattern of collective character, behavioral, temperamental, emotional, and mental traits of a person: Though their personalities differed, they got along as friends. Distinctive qualities of a person, especially those distinguishing personal characteristics that make one socially appealing: won the election more on personality than on capability. See synonyms at disposition. A person as the embodiment of distinctive traits of mind and behavior If we have a disorder then we cannot totally control how we may behave or think, if we can control it, ther would be no disorder. But we can learn to spot triggers and either avoid them or deal with them using specific techniques that you have found to work. Anyway thats my two pence worth. Saffron Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
placebo69a Posted August 15, 2009 Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 Yep it's ok for us to have no remorse and blame our illness but god forbid a psychopath would! I'm sorry but I don't accept any part of this statement. I think it's irrational and the message it carries is deeply flawed, and I'll explain why I hold that opinion. "Yep it's ok for us to have no remorse and blame our illness" - Nope, it's not ok for anyone to have no remorse, "us" included. Having no remorse is failing to recognize that we've done something wrong. This is simply not the case for "us" if that "us" is supposed to describe BPD sufferers. We are all painfully aware of the morality, rather the immorality, of our actions. We judge ourselves constantly for them and we suffer greatly because of the fact we do feel remorse. It's not ok for us to blame our illness either. Playing the blame game isn't effective because it stops us from dealing with what is by keeping us focused on what was. We can't change what was, so why not focus on what we can change - What is and what will be. However, blaming our illness does not mean we have no remorse. Putting the two ideas together like this gives the sense that one follows the other, when in reality they're entirely different. A person that blames his illness can be sorry for what they've done. A person that doesn't blame his illness can show no remorse or have no regret. It's a fallacy intended to present the idea of "having no remorse" as somehow related to the idea of "blaming our illness", in order to attack the idea of "having no remorse" as a way of contesting the original notion of "blaming the illness" This fallacy is known as the straw man. "but god forbid a psychopath would" - And here we can see a hint at why the fallacy was made. I'd venture a guess, Sammy, that you were reading the controversial topic regarding psychopathy before you replied here. Psychopaths don't blame their illness precisely because of the fact that they have no remorse. If you don't feel bad then you don't have to look for a culprit, indeed you don't even feel the need to explain yourself let alone find something to blame for your actions. Please keep the discussion about psychopathy in the topic that discusses psychopathy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted August 15, 2009 Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 sry placebo, she was replying to my post above, she didnt bring that in here, i did, again i was making a point, words is words, everyone will see it diffrently. However i agree with the response sammy made. So i beg to differ, its now a mute point. tata for now. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth24 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 Ok Ruth, I have re-read this entire post this morning because 'using BPD as an excuse' has been thrown at me by both my ex husband, parents and current boyfriend and rather than help me, it has always had a negative effect. It is a sweeping invalidation of the very real problems my brain has when encountering raw emotion. I was able to see from some of the posts that using it as an 'explanation' has indeed proved to be a very valid, very life affirming way of recognising it as an illness. Being able to explain my reactions before I was aware of the condition has helped me to overcome the self loathing that plagued me when I thought I was 'crazy for no good reason'. Since diagnosis however, and now that I am in therapy and medicated to help the feelings associated with having the condition, I do have some insight into my behaviour and this does help to recognise impulsive behaviour as it happens. So, I have been able to control alot of my behaviour now. But it really is a long term treatment and there is no quick or simple solution. However, I want to reach out to you directly Ruth. If you have the balls to admit that you have yourself used BPD as an 'excuse' for your behaviour then I admire you. It takes courage to own up to something like that and the personal revelation for you I am sure, will help you. To have the insight to know what you have done with the knowledge, i.e. used it as an excuse so you didn't have to face the ugliness of your actions and take responsibility is a huge step not only for you but for others who will find themselves in the same position as you on their own road to recovery. I really want you to know that while I appreciate your apology and that you have had some time to think, I think you probably realised yourself that it was specifically you and people like you that you were referring to and infact I wish to apologize for taking this so personally as it does not in the main apply to me. However, it did touch a nerve and for anyone out there who has has that same sentiment thrown at them by people, either take note and accept that maybe you are similar to Ruth in that you do need to admit to using it as an excuse or like me, ignore the comment and put it down to a misunderstanding of people that is bound to happen. I refer to a comment made in my group therapy to a guy suffering from depression. A member said to him 'You are bringing this all on yourself, change your attitude, see the good things you have in life. I have no sympathy for you'. To which, (obviously) the depressed guy got very angry and nearly started crying. It was plain to all the group that this person was trying their upmost to get out of his personal hell, but to the other member, he misread it and the accusation infact said more about him than anyone else. I ahve to add that at the end of this session (it was only last week) the member who had made the comment had gone through a little transformation himslef, realising that he was 'angry' with depressed guy for not pulling it together, but this was more of an insight into his anger and infact had nothing to do with the poor guy on the receving end of his rant. Wow, I've never said so much in one post but Ruth, I really feel you are making progress and I am very happy for you. It takes alot of time and hard work but I too believe that by the time I'm 60 (if I make it that lone lol) I will finally be free of this very misunderstood mental illness. Keep up the good work and remember, you are only human and for that, you have my respect again. Thank you sanctuary for accecpting my apology despite the fact I really tiggered you. That means a lot to me. I didn't mean to be malicious in any way, A lot of people here think I am angry and that i must have been angry when writing the post. Oddly enough, it is the total opposite. I am feeling very very calm. This highly triggering trip home has brought me more insight into my past and i have manage to resolve a lot of my issues-probably about a years worth of therapy I would guess! condensed into one week, wow, this has been an intensive therapy session! My emotions are everywhere. I am flying back home tomorrow morning. I can't decide if i am looking forward to getting the hell out of here, or if i am dreading leaving my grandma, parents, siblings and home behind. I have such a great sense of belonging on this island. i am somebody here! People recognise me and my family name. All my family are well respected and popular up here. i went to a kind of agricultural show on tuesday and was stopped repeatedly by people who recognised me. It was a great feeling. now i am returning to a place in the midlands, where i have never had a sense of belonging, where i am a nobody-less than a nobody. I crave a feeling of belonging. It just feels right being up here, but so wrong at the same time. Its very hard to explain and I'm tired right now so my vocabulary has gone out of the ...whats that word, glass with a wooden frame...window!!! speak to you all sooon. missing reading all your posts. i only have a short amount of time to use this computer and i have no time to read posts apart from the one i have written so i look forward to catching up with you all. look after yourselves xxx Anyway, enough rambling. gotta pack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted August 15, 2009 Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth24 Posted August 16, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 16, 2009 Just arrived back 'home', well to my house. not home. Midlands will never be home Waved at you as i flew over aberdeen bones! Feeling sad (homesick) and tired. gonna read some posts, reply to a few and get some kip. I have made a few decisions which i would like to run past you guys before i do anything that could be deemed stupid. Will elaborate after sleep. Glad to be back reading posts xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted August 16, 2009 Report Share Posted August 16, 2009 Sleep well Ruth, look forward to reading your posts :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted August 16, 2009 Report Share Posted August 16, 2009 Sweet dreams Ruthie. I look forward to speeaking tomorrow xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skyciel Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 Hmm, well my post was lost >_> basically I said that I don't use bpd as an excuse, but knowing about bpd makes me feel that my behaviour is inflexible/would be very difficult to change (considering how difficult bpd is to treat). All the literature about bpd says 'Borderlines ruin every close relationship they're in, it takes years of treatment to recover' etc. If I didn't know this, I'd probably be more optimistic about my ability to control my behaviour. Does anyone feel the same way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aneurysm Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 Literature saying that borderlines ruin every close relationship they have wouldn't be so depressing if I hadn't repeatedly proved it to myself, firsthand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 one of my best friends of 6yrs is borderline and she hasnt ruined our relationship : ) maybe in time you'll have relationships that you dont sabotage Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
placebo69a Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 I have to agree with roxy there. Even borderlines can manage to keep some relationships on occasion. It's rare but it happens. I've managed to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 I have to agree with roxy there. Even borderlines can manage to keep some relationships on occasion. It's rare but it happens. I've managed to do it. I have known my wife since 1996. Its not what you would call a good marriage though. I have heard it said that sometimes borderline people will cling to a bad relationship because they don't want to be alone. This very much applies to me. Its similar to the fear of abandonment thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wobbles Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 I've noticed too that people here seem to have formed meaningful friendships. Which reminds me of how crap i really am at making and keeping friends, cause i'm still very much a loner, here and everywhere else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 wobbles i like you v much and value your imput, i think its ace your back. i dont think its a bad thing to be a loner, i def consider myself a loner but still have several v close friends and generally am popular in work and social settings, just often feel different and like to be on my own also Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wobbles Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 Aww rox, that's lovely, thank you. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
placebo69a Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 In a sense, we're all loners. None of us, regardless of BPD, can truly share our private experience with others or see things from their perspective without tinging it with our own views. People with BPD are perhaps more aware of this truth than others because we're more sensitive to being alone (because of abandonment issues and feelings of inadequacy). I've managed to keep some meaningful, mostly positive relationships. Well two of them. I have two close friends that I've had for 13 years now and while they don't like my behaviour sometimes, and I get triggered by them quite often, we've reached a certain point where none of that really matters. We can work past it and support each other, and love each other for the person within, rather than judge each other for how we each act. I find great comfort in these relationships when I'm not splitting and idealizing/demonizing them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 Aww rox, that's lovely, thank you. your welcome really would love to read anything you find on the betrayal truama stuff if youd like to post, i really valued the stuff you posted on attachment ages ago. i find you words very insightfulx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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