LadyMacbeth Posted March 15, 2005 Report Share Posted March 15, 2005 I cannot stop this pain. I am terrified. My mother called here last night and I accidently picked up the phone and she said "hello sweetheart" and then I said its "Emma" and she said "wrong daughter" my sister picked up and I put the phone down. I have no family to turn to or no friends no one. I feel so alone and I feel like I have no purpose at all anymore. Its scaring the shit out of me. Now this has to happen with my T. I feel guilty posting here now after our conversation on Sun. But, I am so isolated and scared and it really seriously hurts. Everyone wants to get away from me. I just don't know how to hang on anymore. I don't want to die but I am terrified of living. I just don't know anymore. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claire Posted March 15, 2005 Report Share Posted March 15, 2005 The more I hear about your mother, the more I think that she is the one with serious problems. I don't want to make presumptions about your family, and insult you or anything, but I find her attitude quite shocking. I also have grave reservations about your sister. I think that the longer you go on staying with the family in that house, the worse these issues are going to get. This is not a good environment for you, these people are obviously completely unable to offer any kind of support for you. What they are doing is quite damaging, and you need to remove yourself from their negativity. You really don't need that shit. The problem with all this, is that you will immediately turn it back on you and blame yourself for this, and then probably hurt yourself (emmotionally or physically) when it is not your fault. However, even though you cannot change the past, or indeed how they continue to put you down, you can change the present time. You can make the changes that you need to put in place to get away, and become independent of these negative vibes. To stay in this situation in NJ is just going to prolong your suffering, and sadness. And you are soooooo worth much, much more than this. Claire Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul Posted March 15, 2005 Report Share Posted March 15, 2005 Emma - I'm so sorry - I no that this must have caused you so much pain, and I undertsand your feeling of being alone. No need to feel guilty about posting here, this is the place where you can will get the support that you need. And not everyone wants to get away from you, I don't - I always look forward to your replies to any of my posts because they are filled with understanding and wisdom. Its good that you don't want to die, and I think everyone is terrified of living to some degree, and after a bad experience like this that is bound to be worse. I wish I could offer you some better advice, the type that you would offer. I know I don't know all that you have been through, but I know enogh to know that you are a survivor, and that you are strong. People here care, I care - anything I can do to help, just shout. You take care Paul :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debs Posted March 15, 2005 Report Share Posted March 15, 2005 em sorry you having problms with your family iknow i have a lot of problems with mine im glad you dont want to die becauase you seem a realy nice person and was one of the first to welcome me onto this siteyou seem a a very strong woman which more than i can say about myself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janey Posted March 15, 2005 Report Share Posted March 15, 2005 ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((EM)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) huge, massive hug!! the hurt you are bound to be feeling must be immense... but it is nothing you have done wrong. I know that you would never deliberately hurt anybody, as you are a kind, thoughtful and caring person. What your mother said was very thoughtless and painful for you. Try not to be afraid honey. I know you are very anxious, but you have nothing to fear. You are so loved by so many people and you have so much to give... We are here to support you always and you have many friends and people who care for you. We will not leave you, we will not run away from you, we will not reject you. Your mother, sister and dad's g/f appear to have major issues, which they are simply unable or unwilling to face or deal with... it's far easier to project their negativity and distress onto you, and use you as the scapegoat. Em, you have to reject and push away their crap, because it is complete and utter crap. You are a lovely person and nothing could ever change my mind about that! You are an incredibly strong woman, who will overcome these obstacles in her life and rise way above it all in time. Embrace the support you have and reject the negative stuff your family push your way, just do not accept or even consider what they say... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted March 15, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2005 Janey, most of the people in my family have issues. The only two people in my family who are normal are my grandparents on my father's side. I guess thats where he gets most of his stability from. The reason why I am the scapegoat I guess because I am the weakest. I am not sure thought I have asked my therapists the same question over and over again. (((Thanks debs-give yourself more credit...you are stronger than you think)))))))) Paul-you offered good advice thanks. I am feeling better than I was this morning and yesterday. Thanks Claire...always giving good advice. LM :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janey Posted March 15, 2005 Report Share Posted March 15, 2005 Janey, most of the people in my family have issues. The only two people in my family who are normal are my grandparents on my father's side. I guess thats where he gets most of his stability from. The reason why I am the scapegoat I guess because I am the weakest. I am not sure thought I have asked my therapists the same question over and over again. Lady, you are not the weakest - YOU ARE THE STRONGEST. That's why they all dump it on you. You are brave enough to face your fears and admit to them... like my family, yours cannot. My family are too weak or afraid to see how they are, and will therefore blame and manipulate anyone else (me) to avoid their issues. I shoulder the burden of all their hangups and face it. Although deep down inside them, they know it's with them and it eats away at them. I don't want these issues inside me... i want them out and gone, and so i am facing them because i will be strong - as you are. Janey xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexa Posted March 15, 2005 Report Share Posted March 15, 2005 (((((((((Lady)))))))))))) Times like these are hard but you seem tough and I'm sure you'll get through it! We're always here xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted March 15, 2005 Report Share Posted March 15, 2005 (((((((Emma))))))) I'm here too, holding you safe. karie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susanna Posted March 19, 2005 Report Share Posted March 19, 2005 ((((((((((((((((((((((Lady))))))))))))))))))))))) If there's one thing I'm slowly learning as I read more and more about BPD, and in fact all the different variations within BPD.... it's that the majority (obviously there are exceptions) of us are a direct result of the old adage 'They Fuck You Up..Your Mum and Dad'. Philip Larkin knew his stuff alright. One of the basic underlying awful truths that totally messes me up, for example... is that my OWN mother doesn't seem to particularly like me very much, or..even worse...give a flying fuck what happens to me. Now, for any of you who are in the same position as me, maybe you'll relate to the...how can i describe it??...well, it's almost like a physical HOLE right through your middle, with the bloody wind blowing through. Knowing that you're not even worthy of your own parent's love is probably indescribable to those who don't know how that feels. Yep, that sort of crap does fuck with your head, no matter what you do to convince yourself it doesn't matter, or that you've accepted it, or how angry you get, or how resigned to the fact, or how much you bawl about it, or bitch about it, or try your very, very hardest to make your mother like you. It cuts right through your soul. Like a big set of steak knives from Argos. I know this. I absolutely do. I wish I knew the answer, I really do. I guess, applying sensible logic and understanding to it... maybe the answer is to try to accept, deal and move on. Yeah right. If only. I'm 34 this year and I still cry because my mum never picks up the phone to see how I am. Never. I left home 17 years ago and she has only rung me once, and that was only in an emergency (after I had OD'd). God, this really isn't helping, is it?? So sorry.... just speculating Em. I'm with you hon, know exactly how you feel and I empathise. Maybe we should change Larkin's poem to: 'Fuck Them....Your Mum & etc etc' Anyway, sorry I've been of no help whatsoever... But can I just say something - I have 'known' you now for all of 6 weeks....have read your posts, talked to you in chat...in PM, on MSN etc, and you, of everyone on this site have shown the most compassion and kindness of everyone. You have time for everyone and you are just so selfless. You're just amazing Em and you make such a difference to everyone on this site, every single day. Just by being you. big massive hugs matey Suse x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinklady66 Posted March 19, 2005 Report Share Posted March 19, 2005 Emma.......... Your mother is a bitch to treat you that way. I am sorry that you have to go through this shit. I am here and I consider you one of my friends. I read through your posts and see that you are in turmoil. You don't deserve to be treated like shit. You have been so kind to all of us and I see you as a genuine and caring person. If your family can't see past their problems and focus on the good things about you, I say fuck them. They are nothing but shit and they deserve to be treated like shit................I am with you.......... :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted March 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2005 Suse...you hit the nail right on the head. Thats exactly how I feel! "One of the basic underlying awful truths that totally messes me up, for example... is that my OWN mother doesn't seem to particularly like me very much, or..even worse...give a flying fuck what happens to me. Now, for any of you who are in the same position as me, maybe you'll relate to the...how can i describe it??...well, it's almost like a physical HOLE right through your middle, with the bloody wind blowing through. Knowing that you're not even worthy of your own parent's love is probably indescribable to those who don't know how that feels. Yep, that sort of crap does fuck with your head, no matter what you do to convince yourself it doesn't matter, or that you've accepted it, or how angry you get, or how resigned to the fact, or how much you bawl about it, or bitch about it, or try your very, very hardest to make your mother like you. It cuts right through your soul. Like a big set of steak knives from Argos. I know this. I absolutely do." The thing is in college I became so close to my female professors and therapists I started to feel so much better about myself because they liked me and believed in me. Those feelings of worthlessness and dejection seem to dissipate (sp?). I entered school with no self-esteem whatsoever and had to write an auto biography for a freshman sem class and my prof. sat me down in her office and talked to me for like three hours about my life. I started opening up to her and she listened and no one else had before. Then she found my a great T on campus and we remained close. She invited me to a UM function in the City, to see Hillary Clinton with her, she came to my confirmation at church when my parents would not come. My other prof. and I were really close too...she pushed me because she thought so much of me. I got to go to Spain on a full scholarship because of her. She also fought for me to take 6 courses plus an honors independent study when the other prof I just mentioned fought against it and won. That year I pulled an A average! I always felt so wanted and I actually felt like someone. When I became all crazy my last year of college my prof got so upset that I changed and she tried to hard to help me and she once said to me "What happened to you I just want my Emma back!" I just wanted to cry and tell her I am here but not here atm. I think the fear of leaving scared me to death. It did. Thats why I miss it so much. Now I am reminded every day of my worthlessness. Really sucks! I miss school so much. I just need to pick up the same attitude as I once had. Thanks for the nice things you said. You are the same as well! Thanks pinklady that was really sweet. Its a shame because we are all so compasionate and caring that we just feel so bad about ourselves and in reality we are all such good people. I wish more people could see that. Love Em Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susanna Posted March 19, 2005 Report Share Posted March 19, 2005 Em, glad you understood some of my rambling... It's hard when your self-esteem is set at rock-bottom, I know. Funny how we all see the worth and compassion in each other yet see none of those positive traits in ourselves, isn't it?? *hugs* Suse x :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted March 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2005 Thats funny! I actually mentioned this to my T about the forum I am on. I told her that everyone is so kind and compassionate but some of us are so much filled with self-hate. I also said that I relate to some of the members its like we think the same or something and we see the beauty in eachother but dislike ourselves. She told me that I probably don't hate myself that much. Um...not sure about that but I do wonder how I can like someone so much because I know what they are going through and I understand but I hate myself for the same flaws. I am just a complicated person. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susanna Posted March 19, 2005 Report Share Posted March 19, 2005 Em, you and me both! Where would we be without our self-hatred, eh??? :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted March 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2005 Ummm....happy? :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susanna Posted March 19, 2005 Report Share Posted March 19, 2005 Oh yes :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosehip333 Posted March 22, 2005 Report Share Posted March 22, 2005 lady mcbeth , i also had a difficult relationship with my mother, when i was 20 we fell out we didn't speak again, she died 20 yrs later, my feelings are with you lots of hugs , rosehip xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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