Just Want To Feel Accepted

[roxy222]

My understanding of my relationship with my mother has improved and it is possible I have misled people who read my earlier posts.

I do understand that people are not under an obligation to support me (or anyone else), and I must not fall into the trap of feeling rejected if I don't get that support. However, withholding support (which is ok) is not the same as:

• Offering un-constructive criticism or verbal abuse.
• Offering support to people who abuse me (or others).

The latter point is particularly important since a community that supports this supports cliques and gangs. If someone behaves unfairly in a way that I think is wrong, I will not publically condone their actions. It does not matter whether they are my friend or not, or whether it is in this forum or "real life". I will probably still accept them as a friend, since I am tolerant, but I won't help them bully others.

There are actually a few people on this forum who I know accept me for what I am, as per my original post. I am tremendously grateful for that. Its just sometimes I get very bad moods and the glass is half empty, thats all .

i think the problem probably is that people see things from their friend point of view and therefore dont think they are in the wrong

this proably is true of some situations, just different perspectives and personalitys clashing, and things getting out of control from there

but i dont think it is true of all, and i do think that people in general love to find scapegoats

placebo i dont think anyone is blowing anything out of proportion, and i think thats an invalidating thing to say

[Shelley]

Talk about blowing things out of proportion...

Okay, well blowing things out of proportion is where you make a mountain out of a mole hill, and blow thing's up way above what they actually are, so you see something as being much worse than It really Is. :)

[Data]

Perhaps some of you would like meme to lay on the floor and use his head as a football......talk about kicking someone when there already down!!!!]

Oh no, they don't want to kick me in the head, other parts are far more vulnerable .

But seriously, this post is not just about the forum. I'd really love to have friends in "real life" but I find it very difficult. I find it very very hard to get close to people and most people find me uncomfortable or odd. I am hoping the mentalization-based treatment I am receiving will help this. Apparently it is very good for building social skills in people with BPD. I've also got a DBT book and I really ought to be doing the exercises in that as I promised myself...

[edited for typo]

[roxy222]

i think people pick up on how others feel about themselves, and this effects how they react

i went through a stage, shortly after i started to take care of myself, where i swear i could smell desperation on people, the same kind of desperation i think i had about me prvious to sorting my head out, and i used to run a mile from these people, actually run isnt the word, doesnt even come close to the extreemes i went to avoid people like this. i guess others probably saw this about me in the same way and i think thats why when i was in this state i ended up only with people who used me, and pushed away those who would have been good to me.

its a slow process i think of learning to accept yourself and like yourself while learning to get to know people without being too guarded or too open and well i guess thats about learning appropriate boundaries which your t will cover i would have thought cause it sounds like thats something you missed out on

[Data]

The desparation thing sounds like projection.

The boundaries thing is a piece of constructive criticism. You might be right, thanks for this, I will think on it.

[MarcW10]

Hey Meme

I don't fit in here either, and honestly I'm not even going to try anymore.

No more chat for me, I'm sure you'll be glad not to be seeing me around anymore.

Marc

[Ruth24]

meme,

People were warming to you as you started to show a more compassionate side. Even i was warming to you again

Why did you have to go and shoot yourself in the foot?

[Data]

Marc and Ruth, I have no quibble with either of you, and enjoy seeing you around.

I speak as I find.

[Ruth24]

A lot of people in chat were your friends, but you obviously couldn't see that. You have hurt a lot of people and i think you will find it hard to get support from those friends in the future

You only have yourself to blame meme

[rmorgan_uk]

i think most people on here are looking for acceptance i know i am. i accept you for who you are and may dissagree with what you say from time to time as i am sure you will dissagree with me. but that just means you are different to me and others to me and you as well.

i suppose all i am trying to say is that everybody has different opinions. if they didnt there wouldnt be much point to this site, as nobody would give a different perspective. therfore we couldnt help each other in the way that we do.

not sure if i made sense there but it makes sence to me.

[Data]

A lot of people in chat were your friends, but you obviously couldn't see that. You have hurt a lot of people and i think you will find it hard to get support from those friends in the future

You only have yourself to blame meme

Friends do not do the things these people have been doing.

I don't need you to tell me who my friends are.

[Marchmadness]

Hello peeps -

This subject is kinda of like one I had with my sons when they were younger

and had an issue with a teacher. She was holding things against my son from

days before, as a teacher myself I didnt think that was fair for any child

let alone my own. With the start of each new day is a chance at a new beginning,

so lets put away our ill feelings and remember that we are all human and have

issues that we are dealing with. Onces that we are aware of and others that

are buried deep inside that we have no idea why we act the way we do only when

we start talking about it and processing it do we learn from it. Thing is -

dont judge each other we get enough judgement in the real world.

March

[Benway]

i used be a right bitch to meme, and to another member- walker in the past.

through being badly triggered myself- by different members a few weeks ago, i have learnt a lot.

I think before i press send, i use 'block' now. i dont wanna get into rows anymore. not that they were 'fun' to start with.

I think that in my case, i had more in common with both ppl i was nasty to than i ever thougt possible.

And i do believe its possible to have a nice, supportive, caring forum. I really do.

If ppl could see each other as fellow humans with feelings, and not come off their own shit with them... (as i did in the past)

There has been suicides on this forum before- i dont wanna see another fucking suicide.

And i'm not on anyones 'side'. We sould be acting like members of a therapeutic community, mutual support, sharing etc.

Plus i think staff SHOULD get involved if there are disputes- they are supposed to be impartial, and sanctions can be imposed. I would support that.

Because there is TOO much arguing going on, i don't even know what the latest 'issue' is, i just got a nasty pm and it set me off for the day. Im too bloody sensitive...

I too want a friendly supportive board. But isn't it up to each of us to play our part? And own it?

Wishing you all well, Anne Marie

[Shellybelly]

meme

i dont like or dislike you i read your post well i read all post on here and i think you

have friends you are liked but then you go and do thing and say thing that just confuse

and block people out. like for instance you latest post in venting about rules isnt that

blocking off and making people feel like there not good enough to be friend with you,

if you want to be liked for who you are and this is for everyone then you need to be nice

to others and treat others as you would like to be treated. but no one and i mean no one

is gonna be liked by all of the people all of the time. and until you learn to like yourself

then no one will ever be able to like you. be happy with what you have and be grateful for

each new friend or nice thing you get said to you each day and soon you will be a much happier

person. also if you treat yourself like shit then why do you expect another person to treat

you well when you dont even think your worth it yourself

shell

[JimmyJ]

I don't know the story behind the other stuff, and it's none of my business, but I can relate to wanting to be accepted.

But I find with acceptance eventually comes judgement, and thats when it goes wrong.

[placebo69a]

The key to gaining acceptance is learning how to receive it, first and foremost from yourself. Maybe you're having such a hard time feeling accepted because in some way you don't accept yourself. That's projection btw. :)

[Shelley]

Negative thought: People don't like me. Thought challenge: There are people that like me. I have had better relationships in the past and will in the future.

Negative thought: If people really knew me they wouldn't like me. Thought challenge: There are things about me that are likeable and things that are unlikeable - just like everyone else.

Negative Thought: It would be best if I stayed away from people because im no good at relationships. Thought Challenge: If I stay away I don't give myself a chance. I'll probably be alright if I can just relax.

Negative Thought: I may break down emotionally in front of people and feel ridiculous. Thought Challenge: I have a good reason to be upset. People are a lot more understanding than I think. It would not be the end of the world. What is wrong with showing emotion ?

Negative thought: Im hopeless at everything. I'll never sort myself out like this. Thought Challenge: Just take one step at a time. Totally condemning myself is nonsense. I've overcome more difficult problems than this.

Negative Thought: I have nothing to say - im boring. Thought Challenge: I have opinions, thoughts and feelings. I like reading and going out. Perhaps I need to improve my ability to express myself. I can practise.

Negative Thought: I can't stand it. Thought Challenge: I can stand it, It's difficult but I can put up with it. It is good for me.

Negative Thought: I am just not good enough. Thought Challenge: I am not perfect. Like everybody I am good at some things and not so good at others.

Negative Thought: What is the point in trying. Thought Challenge: If I don't try I won't know. Trying in itself will broaden my experience and skill. Nobody is expecting me to do it personally.

Negative thought: What if I make a mistake - it would would be awfull. Thought challenge Everybody makes mistakes. It is good to make mistakes because that is the best way to learn.

Negative Thought: Everybody else has a better time than I do- they're all happy. Thought Challenge: I dont know this for a fact. Just because they seem busier doesn't mean they are more satisfied.

Talked about in group last week, I found it very helpfull. Combating Black and White thinking.

[piuma]

just wanted to add, and maybe cos im feeling mushy and being unrealistic but i just want us all to be ok with each other, i know that aint poss in some circumbstances. but, if we just maybe try to avoid deliberate pickings on each other, maybe, i dunno.

im frazzled.

meme i dont hate you or love you, i dont know you well enough, but, i will always try to keep an open mind ;)

[roxy222]

The desparation thing sounds like projection.

The boundaries thing is a piece of constructive criticism. You might be right, thanks for this, I will think on it.

yeah prob was projection, but it went away over time

[Benway]

hiya anna,

that is one good post above.

i think it should be pinned. anyone agree? cos i can relate to EVERY WORD- in the negative side, and when i read te positive 'retort', i think , hmm, yea, i guess, maybe.

x. a.m

[placebo69a]

Negative thought: People don't like me. Thought challenge: There are people that like me. I have had better relationships in the past and will in the future.

Negative thought: If people really knew me they wouldn't like me. Thought challenge: There are things about me that are likeable and things that are unlikeable - just like everyone else.

Negative Thought: It would be best if I stayed away from people because im no good at relationships. Thought Challenge: If I stay away I don't give myself a chance. I'll probably be alright if I can just relax.

Negative Thought: I may break down emotionally in front of people and feel ridiculous. Thought Challenge: I have a good reason to be upset. People are a lot more understanding than I think. It would not be the end of the world. What is wrong with showing emotion ?

Negative thought: Im hopeless at everything. I'll never sort myself out like this. Thought Challenge: Just take one step at a time. Totally condemning myself is nonsense. I've overcome more difficult problems than this.

Negative Thought: I have nothing to say - im boring. Thought Challenge: I have opinions, thoughts and feelings. I like reading and going out. Perhaps I need to improve my ability to express myself. I can practise.

Negative Thought: I can't stand it. Thought Challenge: I can stand it, It's difficult but I can put up with it. It is good for me.

Negative Thought: I am just not good enough. Thought Challenge: I am not perfect. Like everybody I am good at some things and not so good at others.

Negative Thought: What is the point in trying. Thought Challenge: If I don't try I won't know. Trying in itself will broaden my experience and skill. Nobody is expecting me to do it personally.

Negative thought: What if I make a mistake - it would would be awfull. Thought challenge Everybody makes mistakes. It is good to make mistakes because that is the best way to learn.

Negative Thought: Everybody else has a better time than I do- they're all happy. Thought Challenge: I dont know this for a fact. Just because they seem busier doesn't mean they are more satisfied.

Talked about in group last week, I found it very helpfull. Combating Black and White thinking.

Excellent work! I hope I get as much out of group t as you are. These are wonderful. I think I'll print out a copy and carry it around with me for a while.

[Shelley]

Hi placebo, glad you can find them usefull, I have to make two more for homework, before Thursday, I havn't really put much time (if any) to it, but one came to mind instantly, because It's very personall to me and something that has been on my mind for two week's.

Negative Thought: She is a proffesional, therefore she must allways be right, and I must allway's be wrong. Thought Challenge: Even proffesionals make mistake's and they are not perfect, just like every body else.

Anna xxx

[placebo69a]

I'm beginning to understand your complaints a little better Meme. I tried raising the issue of conflict resolution between members in chat and was told I was being "like meme", one member left the chat, another put me on ignore and a third said she was tired of talking about it. I get the feeling you are being demonized and I've felt some of what you describe when I was trying to just talk about things in general terms without making any accusations or insulting anyone.

I think it's wrong, the way some people are reacting to you, and I wonder if and what you can do about it. Try not to take it all personally, this obviously has nothing to do with you personally. I don't believe for a minute you're the monster some members are trying so hard to paint you to be. You're a human being just the same as the rest of us and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, just as much as the members complaining about you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

I'm now going to withdraw from this heated conflict and not take anyone's side, or try to help to resolve it. It's between the people involved and I should have known better and kept my nose clear. I just hope that it will be resolved because I'd hate to be on the receiving end of either side's angry reactions.

Why can't we all just get along...:(

[Data]

I'm beginning to understand your complaints a little better Meme. I tried raising the issue of conflict resolution between members in chat and was told I was being "like meme", one member left the chat, another put me on ignore and a third said she was tired of talking about it. I get the feeling you are being demonized and I've felt some of what you describe when I was trying to just talk about things in general terms without making any accusations or insulting anyone.

I think it's wrong, the way some people are reacting to you, and I wonder if and what you can do about it. Try not to take it all personally, this obviously has nothing to do with you personally. I don't believe for a minute you're the monster some members are trying so hard to paint you to be. You're a human being just the same as the rest of us and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, just as much as the members complaining about you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

I'm now going to withdraw from this heated conflict and not take anyone's side, or try to help to resolve it. It's between the people involved and I should have known better and kept my nose clear. I just hope that it will be resolved because I'd hate to be on the receiving end of either side's angry reactions.

Why can't we all just get along...

I was in that chat but left before you. I found it interesting that one person (who I do not want to name, they should NOT be dragged into this) complained that they were deeply upset because on a previous occasion they were upset and "nobody listened to them except meme". Does this sound like the actions of a troll?

Its very hard not to take this personally.

Yes I am aware everyone needs to be treated with respect. Generally, I try and do that on this site. I try to say how I feel rather than being insulting, and to be fair, and to apologise when I know I am in the wrong. Others do not treat me with the same courtesy.

I wish we could all get along. I will say this, for about the 1000th time: I do not enjoy conflicts or arguments. I would much rather people be nice to each other, and when they are not I would rather people calm down and communicate and learn from it. However, I wonder whether this is going to happen on a site like this, which has a lot of angry/hurt people.

[bibiddi]

I was in that chat but left before you. I found it interesting that one person (who I do not want to name, they should NOT be dragged into this) complained that they were deeply upset because on a previous occasion they were upset and "nobody listened to them except meme". Does this sound like the actions of a troll?

Its very hard not to take this personally.

Yes I am aware everyone needs to be treated with respect. Generally, I try and do that on this site. I try to say how I feel rather than being insulting, and to be fair, and to apologise when I know I am in the wrong. Others do not treat me with the same courtesy.

I wish we could all get along. I will say this, for about the 1000th time: I do not enjoy conflicts or arguments. I would much rather people be nice to each other, and when they are not I would rather people calm down and communicate and learn from it. However, I wonder whether this is going to happen on a site like this, which has a lot of angry/hurt people.

OK, these are my thoughts

You say, generally you treat people with respect. I think sometimes you may not be aware of when your words do not sound respectful - some actually sound dismissive.

You apologise when you know you are in the wrong - two things here, firstly, just because you aren't aware you are in the wrong, doesn't mean you are in the right. Secondly, by apologising, you can't make them accept it. All you can do is know that you have done it.It also doesnt wipe away your negative actions, often you then have to 'prove' yourself as someone trustworthy.

Next, you may have been in the right, you cant beat people over the head with it until they accept it. Just let it go.

Often things aren't as black and white, as right or wrong.

Do arguments need to have a discussion afterwards, could a 'sorry' suffice?

I'm not looking at other peoples actions, as this thread is about you.

Just wanted to add, your last comment where you wonder if it is possible for people on this forum be able to be nice, or calm down, communicate and learn from it, because so many are angry/hurt. Do you think it is possible for you to be nice, or communicate, as you yourself are angry and hurt? If you can, others can. (By the way, that last comment of yours seems fairly dismissive of everyone on this site).