toaster Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 Theory is oh so easy......but it is only 'easy' when you know it - I don't know what I don't know, I don't know lies until the truth is discovered etc. Has taken a LONG time for those realisations However, I have them - I am further on than what I was when I DIDN'T know. I have had a couple of more in the night (been a long one ) 'Don't try to understand me, just love me' - I have said that too many times to others, but I forgot about myself (yes this post totally contradicts that statement but I don't care ). What about what I think, feel? 'Everyone is the enemy' - as long as I am against myself, I will feel others are. I am my own worst enemy Out of everyone I need to trust myself fisrt and foremost I will never be accepted as long as I don't accept myself The theory is there. Is DOING it now I know I have more. Feel free to add :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 Wise words indeed toastie... I am all full of theories and stuff, again it is the turning them into actions that I struggle with... BUT The realisation and admission here that "you are your own worst enemy" and "you will never be accepted until you accept yourself" is a very very important first step... I am sorry but I don't have the answers... but please will you let me know if you ever find out !!! I suspect it may have something to do with embracing the scary things that others call feelings - but sssssssssshhhhhhhh.... :ninja: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 This is good Toastie. Once you know where you are you can plan how to get there. But I understand the journey can be the hardest part. xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted August 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 someone once said (i think) 'its not the destination but the journey that matters' - PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!! they obviously had a limo taking them all the way complete with chauffeur an entourage i aint even got a fucking wheelbarrow - i'm crawling slowly - I have people at my side but I have to do the work ooo im cheesy today, NOT the edible type (well, depends who you are) Basically, I'm TIRED Let someone else do it plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz *looks for bear* :unsure: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 *chucks poptart in a barrow and starts pushing* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted August 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 curls up with bear luv u rosesssssssssssss tyyyyyyyyyy xxxxxxxxxxxxxx (ima hold u to this btw! ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 I will never accept you toaster while as you admit that you try to hurt other people first, so they don't get a chance to hurt you. And I will never accept you as long as you boast about how good you are at hurting other people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy-gdala Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 I will never accept you toaster while as you admit that you try to hurt other people first, so they don't get a chance to hurt you. And I will never accept you as long as you boast about how good you are at hurting other people. Meme, to be honest, I do this, I think it is quite common with BPD, rejecting other people and hurting them so they can't hurt me. I acknowledge it isn't the 'best' way to be, as toast has too, but i think it is something a lot of people can relate to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 To be honest I was going to edit out my post because I did it in haste/anger. Now its been quoted its too late. It won't worry toaster because she has me on permanent ignore but it may trigger others here, and theres more to this community than my feelings! Meme, to be honest, I do this, I think it is quite common with BPD, rejecting other people and hurting them so they can't hurt me. I acknowledge it isn't the 'best' way to be, as toast has too, but i think it is something a lot of people can relate to. Ok, I never thought about that, thanks for the perspective. However, can people relate to the feelings of the person who is rejected? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted August 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 this post was about what is best for me, my feelings towards myself, I didn't ask whether other people accepted me nor did i ask for acceptance just had to clear that up so we can get back on track :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wobbles Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 Of course we can meme...where do you suppose the 'fear of abandonment' comes from which is such a big part of BPD? Rejection and abandonment!! And yes your post was triggering. I realise you're not in the best place right now, but considering you're well aware that toaster has you on ignore, there was no need for you to respond unless you were wanting a reaction from everyone else who could see your post. You're correct, there is more to this community than your feelings. However, we all act out in haste/anger at times which is why it's best to take a step back before posting when we're feeling like that. Even though your feelings aren't the most important on the this board, you still need to take care of you and i hope you're doing that. Toaster, it sounds like some important progress is being made. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 I apologise for lashing out. Please can everyone ignore this and respond to toaster's topic as she has asked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 I apologise for lashing out. Please can everyone ignore this and respond to toaster's topic as she has asked. very big of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 Theory is oh so easy......but it is only 'easy' when you know it - I don't know what I don't know, I don't know lies until the truth is discovered etc. Has taken a LONG time for those realisations However, I have them - I am further on than what I was when I DIDN'T know. I have had a couple of more in the night (been a long one ) 'Don't try to understand me, just love me' - I have said that too many times to others, but I forgot about myself (yes this post totally contradicts that statement but I don't care ). What about what I think, feel? 'Everyone is the enemy' - as long as I am against myself, I will feel others are. I am my own worst enemy Out of everyone I need to trust myself fisrt and foremost I will never be accepted as long as I don't accept myself The theory is there. Is DOING it now I know I have more. Feel free to add i agree absolutely that it is ourselves who should be accepting, loving and supporting ourselves. no one else out there owes us this, except the parents who chose to have us, but no other person owes us this as every person has a right to look after themselves as their priority and not accepting us maybe part of that. however i think now as adults we can choose to unconditionally stand by ourselves and do our best to accept and care for ourselves not allways easy at all but can be done i think the most important thing for me to learn was that nothing i was ever going to do was goign to make the m hear me. i had to reliquish the false hope that one day i could be perfect enough to make her see me and love me before i could be free to show myself love and to find others who love me also. i am not responsible for her lack of ability to see outside herself, and despite the fact that i have had to carry this burden that was not mine when i was a child as an adult i no longer have to do that, i can now choose to see that when people are unwilling to hear the truth there is nothing i can ever do to change that, and i can save alot of energy and pain by letting go of such illusions great idea for a post toaster Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 *still pushing* That's ok toast, kids can follow us on their bikes and hubbie might even give us a lift at some point *winks* xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 I soo hear you betty, i understand whatcha mean, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted August 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 Thank you for your replies I dunno what to say - don't want to appear to be a martyr as much as I DO NOT want to be that horrible person. Had I replied earlier everything I was thinking it would have been a different thread. But I didn't. I was angry but dealt with it differently. I know what I am, I know what is inside of me. I don't need any reminders, I am aware of it 24/7. I CHOSE to react differently though. I care about and love a lot of people here. This place is my lifeline atm. I don't want it to be my lifeline forever but it is right now. I need friends, I need the people here. If that is the only reason that stopped me lashing out that's ok isn't it? I am happy in the respect I DIDN'T (intentionally) hurt any of the people I love. I can't understand why people like me. But I am trying not to question it atm, just accept it for what it is. I'm not smug. What have I to be smug about? I'm fucking miserable. I did the 'right' thing. Everything still feels wrong though. Nobody will ever despise me as much as I do. I don't say it all the time - why do you need to know? The fact I live with it is enough. I am proud of my ability to laugh in spite of 'it all' But I'm still a very unhappy, lonely, desperate little girl trapped with the repsonsibilities of an adult. Thank you everyone for your support *climbs back into roses wheelbarrow and allows herself to be pushed for a bit* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quiteemma Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((my toasty)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) i understand wat ur saying *hugs* i got soo many words but i cant get them out i wish i could babe im here for u 24/7 love ya toasty xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx p.s u got my support 100% Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyChain Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 Not very good with words atm. Just wanted to say, hang in there, there are others offering to help take the load. I'll push a little after Roses, until then I shall hold ya hand if wanted. I think you deserve to show yourself compassion for not replying to certain members with haste and anger. Well done. I know it doesnt make life any easier, but it also doesnt allow others to suck life from you either. Take gentle care toastie xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 If enough of us join in we can all help to push each other...... xxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 i will push for a while too ((((((toaster)))))) sorry im not better with words atm but i am with you hun xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quiteemma Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 amd meeeeeeeeeeeeee i wanna help to push ((((((((((((((((((((((((((mytoasty))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted August 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 Gets out and makes my pete get in i never saw this happening!! u guys r amazing!! i dont know what to say xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 um can i join in? i wanna push toooooooooooooooooooooooooo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 feelsleft out cos she missed the ride.... waves at you all far far away in the barrow... hitches up skirt (hmmmm) bats eyes and thumbs a ride... Ima comin - Ima catch yous up! xxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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