Carer Posted August 25, 2009 Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 My fiance has depression, he was diagnosed 7 years ago, however, since we met he will not acknowledge it and seek help when he needs it. All our friends around us know he has depression, he will not talk to them about it and pretends nothing is wrong, until he comes home. When he comes home he ignores me, he stares into space, he gives signs he doesn't want me around, however, if I make something to eat he will help himself, if I offer anything he can't take it from me, only when I am not looking does he help himself quite happily even though I get the impression from him that he hates me. He becomes extremely selfish, does not consider my feelings and what he is putting me through at all. Or can he not do that? Can anyone help me to understand here? Friends say I should leave, I am close to this because my body is failing to cope with this as it happens more and more. The last 'downer' he had was June and July last year and I thought we had a break through when a few months after he told me he had had counselling before, that was all he could say, he couldnt say anymore. When he is not in a depression everything is just amazing. When he is in a depression it is like he turns into a completely different person, his face goes grey, eyes stare into space, doesn't eat properly, doesn't speak, is irational, makes mountains out of mole hills, if he speaks its his terms or nothing. Can I force medical help on him? Can I get someone to visit at the house? If I can't get him to get help, I cannot stay, I fear for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drew Posted August 25, 2009 Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 i wonder how he treats other people and also how long u been together. when was the last time you went to the doctor and also him if its pysicially draining on you then perhaps if u want to stay in the relationship you need to find some support net work till he is ready to except help . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carer Posted August 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 Thank you for replying Drew. We have been together for 3 years, most of which we have been so happy, he is so happy, the depression is effecting what we have. I have a friend who is bi-polar and he can see my partner is depressed, he has been trying to get through to him and he can't believe how hard it has been. He has made tiny small steps. To other people he seems fine, it is me and his son (from a previous relationship, son now 20yrs old) who gets it. I have never spoken to a doctor about it and going to seek one today, to ask what I can do. He last saw a doctor in April because he felt run-down, I thought maybe he was going to talk about his depression, he hid that part and the doctor did tests and said nothing wrong, get rest, so he thought I just need rest, i am not depressed..... Besides this amazing forum, what other help can I get? My friends check on me everyday, I've told only my 3 closest, all know my partner and what he is like, they are amazing but I cannot keep burdening them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
placebo69a Posted August 25, 2009 Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 You can't force a drowning man to grab hold of your hand. All you can do is reach out and encourage them to take it. Your husband, when depressed, is in immense emotional pain. It's not that he doesn't want your help, he probably just thinks he doesn't deserve it. Depression, at its core, is anger directed at one's self. The best thing you can do to help your husband through a time of depression is constantly give him positive reinforcements, reassure him that if he wants help from you or from a professional you will make it happen and avoid giving him fuel for the fire of self-loathing that is burning him up inside. He is hurt and he needs your help, but his pain is making him reject it when he feels like he's being pressed into it. He needs to know that he's loved, that he has value, that his loved ones truly care about him and want what's best for him. He needs your support, not criticism, not intolerance and not anger. He's already doing a far better job at throwing those at himself than anyone else could possibly hope for. I don't want to judge you for considering leaving him. I don't know how I would cope if I were in your shoes. Thankfully I've never really had to. I'd like to think that if I decided to spend the rest of my life with someone and they were in pain and causing me pain as a result, that I would do whatever I can to support them and be there for them. I'd like to think that my vow to stick with my spouse through bad times and sickness wasn't hollow and that I can rise up to any challenge to keep my word, because the person really is the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. If you want to hear more about what depression is like or just vent a little of your frustration with the situation please feel free to PM me. I'll gladly listen, give advice or just share my insight from a depressed person's perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carer Posted August 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 Truely thank you for offering to listen to me. The only hell I am feeling is the hell he is putting me through. In the past, if I uttered the word depression he got extremely angry, not violent, just angry. He is like a kettle boiling when depressed and its the only time I see anger, he did actually kick me out of bed once, all I did was go in it to sleep, he decided he did not want me there so he 'horse kicked' me out, never been hit before. Then when his depression subsided and a few months passed I got a card thanking me for being me, and he mentioned he had counselling in the past. Maybe thats when I should have jumped on that que and talked more. I am scared to talk about his condition with him. I don't want to give up, but I can't help a man in denial for the rest of my life, that is not fair. I wish he could see this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drew Posted August 25, 2009 Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 what ever illness or depression he may suffer from he does not have a right or excuse to hurt u on purpose wether that is pysially or emtionally Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
placebo69a Posted August 25, 2009 Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 I understand how difficult it must be for you. I have loved ones who've shared the pain of having to deal with me while I'm depressed. I realise that you're not being unfair and that you feel absolutely blameless in this situation. I wish I could make you somehow understand that blame is not a factor in this at all. Your husband may be responsible for your anguish, but he certainly doesn't intend to cause it. It's not his fault that he's depressed, and it's not his fault that he can't ask for help. Those are conditions that he has no control over. Considering what you said I agree that your previous attempts at making him confront his problem were dangerous. He was obviously not prepared to face it and probably felt like you were violating his private world. Of course you weren't, but depression makes people feel and think things that are far from real. I don't think you should give up. I think you should learn what you can about his condition so you can give him the help he needs. He desperately needs your help even though he would love nothing more than to be able to fight off his demons on his own. You can help him, you just need to understand his illness. You wouldn't get angry at someone for sneezing if you knew they had a cold right? You wouldn't think of leaving him for some kind of physical symptom if you knew about a treatable underlying condition that was causing it, would you? You know he's depressed, so try not to judge the symptoms and just help treat the cause. Give him all the resources he needs to reach out and ask for help and make that help available to him when the time comes that he does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted August 25, 2009 Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 Sorry if this is repeating anything that has already been said but I am not too good at reading off a screen... I have suffered depression off and on for years and I just want to put this into the melting pot so to speak... Maybe he refuses to admit he has a problem and as such is reluctant to get help with it because he is scared to do so... He may have developed shutting out as a coping mechanism and admitting and asking for help may be outside this comfort zone he has developed for himself. I know that for a long time I did just that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carer Posted August 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 I know everyone is different, but, can anyone describe how someone helped them and it was effective/accepted? For example, do I leave leaflets around? Write him a letter? Leave this forum page on the screen? I'm clueless :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carer Posted August 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 Ninja Chips, he goes to extremes to avoid the subject, this time he has annouced moving house and starting another college course, this to occupy the mind and avoid the real issue. It like a clear out, he also shaves his head - another clear out. Until last week he was so happy living in this house, described why he loved it to me, running away I guess. Out of the blue statements which send the situation we are in, in a totally different direction. Thank you for sharing that with me, it has helped a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
placebo69a Posted August 25, 2009 Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 Ultimately it's up to the depressed person to help themselves. It wasn't until I asked for help that I could get any. You can't force it and confronting him about it will not help, and it might make matters worse. I'm not sure any of your suggestions would. He's not an addict and he's probably not up to digesting everything in this topic. Give him your support and reassurance and let him know help is available if he wants it. That's really all you can do. And get some help yourself - Coming here was a step in the right direction. He's not the only one who could use help to work through this. There's no reason you can't get help to deal with this situation. He may not be able to ask for it but you sure can and who knows, maybe he'll follow your example when he sees it works for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted August 25, 2009 Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 Hi carer, did you go see someone like gp or anyone about him? I suffer from mental illnesses, and my husband has probs with anger and depression, in the end i said to him, go seek help or our relasionship will end up nowhere, i have had help, i have progressed, but my husband is a little like yours, but he still choosed at taht time to ignore the help i receieved and carried on being who he was, so in the end it had to be extreme, told him sought yourself out and i am here to help, ignore and our marriege wont go anywhere. Here is another extreme way, this is only if your husband is a danger to himself or others, my dad on my second section, was the person who sectioned me with another doctor, maybe hated what he did then, but now i understand now it was for the better. So yes there is ways if a person is not willing to help themselves, not the best way, and not allways the right way, but as a wife, mother, father,son, daughter, there is things that can be pushed, if someone is seen as mentaly unstable. Heres another example, my husband was refusing to see GP about his pains, i phoned the ambulance, i had to disregard what he thought at that time, so he could get seen and medical help. Sry this is all extreme cases, but if your finding it hard and another person is not willing, i have found all the small ways was not enough. I would seek professional help and give them your concerns, and be honest, there is many ways they can help. sry again, for being blunt, but i have been in both situations, if a person is not willing to dig themselves out of a hole, then they need dragged up, or yes offering a helpfull hand. Good luck hun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bibiddi Posted August 25, 2009 Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 Do you talk about it when he is well? Perhaps he may be able to do something more positive when he is well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carer Posted August 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 The tough love option is what I am staring at, I am scared he'll just bin me instead of getting help I have made an appointment with the doctor on thursday, for me to go and ask for help for him, and myself. I hope I can last till then. I am home today and have to wait in for a courier, he is home in an hour and I would dissapear if I could. When he is well all that he said was that he got counselling twice before, gave no details, don't even know if he completed the counselling, got counselling maybe 6/7 years ago. His resolution this year to be more positive - he is a negative person and finds negatives in everything. Its picking the right time to say something isn't it, if I could see us getting through this dark tunnel I would approach him at the end, when he is well - I will this time, however, I may have to do as Barebones couragiously did and go head first into the fire. XXX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carer Posted August 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 27, 2009 Went to the doctors today and they were so helpful I couldnt thank them enough. Also found a great book - Overcoming Depression and low mood, Chris Williams, great for suffers and carers to understand what is going on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted August 27, 2009 Report Share Posted August 27, 2009 I am glad the doctors helped a little hun. Book sounds good too, i do hope that you can sort things out between both of yas, oh and i understand the negatives, my hub is like that aswell, its hard sometimes when all i want to do is move forward and think positive. good luck hun, keep intouch with how things go. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carer Posted August 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 27, 2009 Thanks Barebones. I see you are up in Scotland like us, need anything just shout. Fingers crossed for the future, whatever it may hold, hopefully I will be holding my loved one. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
placebo69a Posted August 28, 2009 Report Share Posted August 28, 2009 I'm glad the doctors could help and I'm happy you've found a good book on the subject. I hope both of you will learn how to deal with this situation and get all the support you need. We're here for you if you want to vent some more or ask for advice. We'd love to hear how things progress over time and what kind of actions you're taking to move forward. :hug2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted August 28, 2009 Report Share Posted August 28, 2009 Thanks carer, same goes to u hun, pm me anytime you need an ear or anything. Like placebo said, please tell us how it goes and yes please vent or post if you need any help aswell. xx good luck to you and ur loved one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redhed26 Posted September 6, 2009 Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 the only thing i can suggest is make sure you have the support you need. if you've never suffered with depression it can be really hard, almost impossible to imagine what is going through your partners head.such a shame he feels so ashamed about it, when i go into a depression the first signs are being horrible to my friends and causing arguments etc and although i know its wrong i just can't stop it. to me it the first steps of self harm but the rush isn't big enough and consequences are not fair on the people around me so then i turn to actual self harm. hang in there but your partner needs to help himself, talk to him when he is well and do what barebones said be tough you are equally as important as him x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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