My Partner Has Depression, I'm Making Mess Of It!

[gooner1969]

I'm new to this site and trying to get a handle on depression so I can deal better with my partners depression and help her through it!!

Basically, I'm making a mess of it!! I seem to stress her out, I let what is going on with her affect my mood and I mope around feeling sorry for myself. I love my girlfriend to bits and am in very very serious danger of losing her (if I haven't already) as I just seem to be bringing her down more. I do not want to lose her and need some help understanding a bit about depression. I also desperately need to know the best way for me to deal with the depression and how best to help her through it.

Also, does anyone know if there are any really good books out there that would be particularly good for me to read?

[twinmomdianna]

I don't know off hand any books, but I think it is wonderful that you are wanting to do what you can and learn about it. A lot of people wouldn't. I hope you are able to find away to show her how much you care.

Dianna

[Carer]

Overcoming Depression and low mood, Chris Williams, great for suffers and carers to understand what is going on.

I am in the same position, people heere have been great.

Does she accept she has depression? My boyfriend doesn't.

[gavin]

To be very blunt, leave her while you still have the chance;

Love doesn’t come into it, it will wear you down;

I’am telling you like it is,!

gavin

[gooner1969]

Twinmomdiana - Thanks, I think she does know how much I care, but what I'm doing is appearing not to care by not being able to give her what she needs at the moment and I think trying too hard to understand. Can I try too much to actually understand what she's feeling and what is going on in her head? Do I instead just need to be accepting of it and not try to understand what I realistically won't be able too and just concentrate instead on giving her the support she needs?

Carer - Yes she does. Been a sufferer for about 20 years. Thanks for the book tip, I'll look into it!!

Gavin - Sorry but come on mate!! People like me make the effort to seek out and try things like this because of the love we feel for those who mean the most to us. We do this in an effort to learn and educate ourselves (and I'll admit that I should have done it sooner) to try to gain the knowledge and insight to enable us to cope with the effects of this condition. And we do so because we will do whatever we can to help those people through it and because we hate seeing the pain and unhappiness that this particular disease inflicts on those people. Would you have the same attitude if your partner was diagnosed with cancer? "Can't cope with that!! I'll turn and run!!" I am an intelligent man and I don't need anyone to give me such a completely useless and ill thought out piece of "advice"!! Quite frankly, if that is the best you can do, then I don't believe you should be offering any opinions to anybody. If you have no intelligent reply to this, don't bother replying at all!!

[rebeccaborderline]

SimonP,

I think your attitude is great. I have BPD but also episodic v bad depression.

Perhaps an easier, and no less caring approach, would be not to try to much to understand her; just try to accept her, that what she is feeling is very real for her.

I say this because although Gavins comments were harsh, there is a grain of truth in them; you cannot hope to help her if you too get sucked into the depression vortex.

By all means investigate what depression is; what it means to her (remember everybodys experience is different). Is she being treated? If so, would she welcome you sitting in with her on her next docs visit? How would she feel about you discussing her with her doc, about the best way you could help? (This is not legal or advisable without her permission).

All I can tell you from my own experience is, depression makes you convinced everyone would be better off out of your orbit. Then when some take the hint and leave, it confirms that you are the worst person in the world, and nobody can bear you. The few who stick around start to show their true value.

Its also statistically true that people with MH probs have much better outcomes and recoverys if they are supported, accepted, and not judged by loved ones. If you have the strenght to stay mentally strong yourself, and continue loving her, even just as a human being, you can make an enormous difference. I wish you both the best.

Reb

Gavin, you sound like one angry bunny. Yes people with MH problems are draining, often selfish etc etc. But it really isnt deliberate you know, even if at the time it seems so; they are in great distress. Also, no-one is immune. Im sure you'll be fine in your life, but just in case you get depressed further down the road; how would you like to be treated?

[gooner1969]

Rebecca,

Thanks!! This all makes sense. And to be truthful with you, a lot of it is exactly what my girlfriend has told me over the last few months!! And yes she is being treated. The big mistake I've made is leaving it until now to really try to make sense of it all in my own head and learn how to deal with it and support her. She can be quite cutting when depressed and at times I've allowed myself to take it personally and get to me. I've moped about and handled it all terribly. She now feels what I believe to be resentment towards me, because I've not made this effort to truly learn how to help her sooner and I think she doesn't feel that I am capable of doing so as a result. That I'll continue to get it wrong. But this is a huge learning curve for me. I know I can do this. I just have to keep going and hopefully she'll see I'm true to my word (eventually).

I have also struggled with her being so distant from me when she's depressed. One of the reasons for this I believe is my own experience with depression a few years ago. I was in an unhappy marriage, but when it was all coming to an end I was diagnosed with depression. Mainly because I have a daughter from the marriage and having to leave her really broke me up!! But when I was at my lowest, it affected me differently. I'd have taken a hug off of anybody willing to give me one and I guess I look at that time in my life and compare it to what she is going through. When she's in tears and very low, I have questioned in my mind why she doesn't just want a hug and some comfort from me but just pushes me away. It's those sorts of things I have to try to stop understanding, start accepting and just be there when she does need me!!

And I know what you mean about the thinking people would be better off away from you thing. Other day, we were having a bit of an argument and she said to me something about going and finding someone normal, someone who can give me what I want. Hearing her say that about herself made me angry. But I don't know if I handled that right. Instead of latching on to it I just let it pass without comment!! Right or wrong? I'm still not sure on that.

One thing I have decided to do is see a counsellor with lots of experience with depression. I want to do this with a view to gaining more understanding and hopefully be given some coping strategies so I can keep it all together and give her what she needs. Good idea I hope?

Wow, just read back over this and I've gone on a bit so better leave this there for now before I bore anyone :-)

Gavin - One more thing if you're reading this. The reason that I reacted so badly to your "advice" is this. When my girlfriend is well, she is the most caring, loving, warm and beautiful woman I have ever known and could ever hope to know. And when she's not well, she is still that person!! I just view it as the illness effecting her. For this I love her more than anything. I consider myself priveledged to be with her. But here's the crunch, my love for her is totally unconditional. I'd lay my life on the line for her. And I know that when she is well, there is no-one on this planet who can give me what she gives me in terms of love, affection and just that amazing warm feeling you get when you're with the person that you really want to be with. That makes all the effort worthwhile. I might sound a bit wet and soppy. But I'd rather that than sound as bitter as you do. I might try and try and it just not work out. Maybe we won't be able to get through this, who knows. But if that does happen, I'll be able to look back and say to myself that I gave it the best possible shot that I could and didn't just run away and dump all over the person I love.

[gavin]

Dear Simon

Get down off your low horse and see how artificial

Those words were trance –like up lifting;

Blood pressure stuff, you say she has astuteness,

You knight in shining armour , your hesitation not

To leave has me quite perplexed, if you were to say

On these boards I simon have been with this girl

For 10 years, then i would be a candidate for the

Position of shinning your armour, you and I on

This matter we are arbitrarily divided, her mental wanderings

And her aversions to things that don’t make science,

Will in the long run become utterly repugnant to you.

That’s if you haven’t brutalized her first over something stupid,

The unceremonious abruptness of her thinking, your life will go

Through great unforeseen modifications, and at great velocity,

There will be a time that you will not want to come home,

Forget about having mates, if she wants you to learn about her,

Why is she not learning about you? No matter how you look

At it, your words of flattery , were the words of a slave;

Love is a philosophy which deals with the stunning ,

You are a pleader on a soap box to understand it(depression)

Do you have the strength to come back in 10years and say the same words?

Things will be different, in the end it not what i say?

gavin

[gavin]

Rebeccaborderline

You say how wood i like to be treated,

I’am not an angry little bunny either,

My life has been a continual series of shot firings,

Aerostatics (head in the clouds) aerial navigation,

The human body comes with health or decay,

I’am happy to a certain degree because i live

On my own, because i could not put this depression

On some else, all this is a bit tricky i suppose,

I cannot love i don/t know what it is maybe,

But i do love my daughter very much,

By calling it love, is it love, or a transverse thought,

I pay all her bills, give her the money she needs,

Always there for her, unforminity i call it,

Around her i;am calm of temper equatorial in manner,

Is that love, or is it a parent responsibility,

gavin

[placebo69a]

I disagree with gavin completely. Depression is common, transitory and treatable. You have no reason to give up on your loved one just because she got depressed. None whatsoever. Isn't love about being there for someone even when they're down and out? I think it is.

The best thing you can do for a person who's depressed is give them reassurance, positive reinforcement and let them know you're willing to help and move the earth for them if they want you to. Help her see beautiful things, help her see the value she has for herself. Make her feel beautiful, wanted and cared for. You don't have to do anything remarkable, just put in a good word.

The best thing you can do for someone who's depressed is to give them hope. Depression is another word for hopelessness. Let her know she's not alone, that a lot of people suffer from depression and that it goes away. Let her know there are proven treatments available, and that you support her and honestly believe she will get better. Let your hope inspire hope in her.

[gooner1969]

Gavin,

Out of all your meanderings, there is only one thing that stands out in what you say, and that is you do not have the capacity to love!! If that is honestly how you feel, then you have no place on here preaching your visions for a black and gloomy future to come to those who do. You will never be able to offer any meaningful or useful advice to anybody who does have the capacity to love as you will never be able to understand it. And I'd rather not consign myself to a lonely future where all I have to do is regret.

If you want to write poetry, find a site where you can go and write poetry and then you may find some appreciation for your work. Maybe that will then make you feel a bit better about yourself and your life.

[gooner1969]

Hi Placebo,

Thanks!! That's the kind of thing I'm looking for!! Any more good advice you can give me would be very much appreciated and the same to anyone else out there. Do you suffer with depression yourself or does your experience come from dealing with someone elses depression?

[gavin]

i've got to thank you for the censure,

i also find the truth a laborious drudge,

but what i do find strange, is the supernuman

effet to back up what say, because my words

are so raptorial, gavin

i;am enjoying this i look foward to your reply;

[rebeccaborderline]

Hi Simon,

Glad you found some support from my posts. I completely agree with Placebo too.

One way perhaps you could show your girlfriend how much you really want to help her; how much you have always wanted to help but worry you may have botched it up till now, is show her your posts above and our replies (possibly with the exception of a couple!).

You could also encourage her to join this site for her own independant support. She could do this seperately from you, if she has a username that she kept private; not to exclude you, but to be free to try to work some things out for herself without outside pressure;to get support from here too and ask her own questions.

Take care

reb

[gooner1969]

Gavin,

I bet you are looking forward to it! And i honestly believe you are enjoying this.

I am no wordsmith nor do I claim to be. But at least my punctuation and spelling are fairly good. I do not feel the need to try to impress, embarrass or simply confuse with my use of language nor the construction of my sentences. I won't finish writing this and have a little snigger to myself and feel all proud of my latest literary masterpiece. Sit here thinking "Wonder what Gavin will make of this".

You are nothing but an annoyance now. People aren't on here to have this kind of crap thrown at them. They're here for understanding, guidance and support in what they are going through or trying to deal with. Not to be goaded by some self satisfied would be poet laureate with nothing better to do. And the fact is you spend AGES writing this stuff. Your last few sentences took you a long time to get down. I watched how long you were on this thread!! Go out, have a walk, feel the sun on your skin and stop playing games.

[gooner1969]

Hi Rebecca,

I might just do that. And I don't feel the need to keep any of these posts a secret. Although you may be able to tell that a certain person is starting to bug me :-)

You take care too

Simon

[bibiddi]

Simon, you are on a mental health forum.

People come here with different problems, and they are expressed in different ways.

Do you think it is right to write what you have done to Gavin?

You seem quick to anger when someone has a different viewpoint.

As far as your girlfriend is concerned - You actually give yourself good advice, to stop trying to understand and just accept. Acceptance may help her.

Take care of yourself as living with someone depressed can trigger your own depression.

[gavin]

The extraneous power in a relation ship

Is the one who controls that relationship?,

Depression controls unconditional,

Are you ready for that to control the rest

Of your life, my self –existing on these boards,

Has nothing to do with your relationship to your

Girlfriend, don’t use me as an excuse for your

Vindictiveness and stubbornly manner in which you

Write, the most poignant part of a mans temperament

Is the love of his life, all i did was put another side to the story,

But you took it as a personal floor in your judgement,

And so did placebo , if i wanted to verbally sheared you to pieces

I would have done it long a go,

And for you to be watching my every move on these

Boarbs,,,, i would say to you and placebo, that both

Of you are philosophy and psychological unable to

Care for her, your words were vascular and synthesis,

By use ing a needle filled with words to get under my skin,

It has not worked , and for my own intoxicating in this,

We are both fooles? gavin

[placebo69a]

gavin, I'd like to see you give a straight answer just for once instead of hiding behind that pathetic excuse for prose... Most of it doesn't make any sense and the little that does is either untrue, malicious or both. Be a man and talk like a real person, will ya?

[gavin]

Placebo

I” am man of high complexity,

I keep my intellect very low because of people Like you,

let me take your perception of Me a little higher,,,,,

called “placebo (keep your cock off my elephant) :

do you want me to write the story? using you;

gavin

[bibiddi]

Gavin and Placebo,

Being rude to each other isn't helpful.

Perhaps taking 'time-out' from each other may be an idea.

[placebo69a]

Gladly, bibi.

[gooner1969]

Gavin and Placebo and anyone else who might be following this thread!!

Placebo - I appreciate your support. I value it as I can actually understand what you are saying and as such can spend time contemplating what you say.

Gavin - I did not come on here to enter into any kind of argument. I came on here with a straight question, that is how I can help my girlfriend. I am not stupid, have considered the getting out option and have decided it's not for me (bibiddi thanks for your input because it has made me take a step back and think about what might be going on here). What I am looking for is advice, as an intelligent person who has made his decision, as to how I can possibly have the best chance of achieving what I am setting out to achieve and WANT to achieve (if possible). You're very first reply to me angered me because it ignored the question I asked. But with hindsight at least it was an honest reply with no room for misunderstanding as to your meaning. The trouble is since then there is (to me anyway) no clarity to your replies. They are all open to interpretation and as such are useless. You led me to believe by your first reply that you are a person who has tried to live with someone else's depression, but it didn't work out for you. Since then I have been led to believe that you yourself have issues by your replies. Was it her, you or both? I don't know and as such have no idea where you are coming from! As such, what good is any advice you give to me?

I am not a person who knows a great deal about mental health issues, hence my appearing on this site. I'm here to learn if at all possible Gavin. You think that I am trying to be some kind of knight in shining armour (at least I THINK that's what you think). If you have a valuable contribution to give to this thread, then give it!! But give to me in straight English (as your first reply was). What is the point in giving an opinion that cannot be understood or makes no sense to the recipient? If it in some way makes you feel superior then it still doesn't gain you anything. I could probably write some words here that you couldn't make sense of. But what would be the point? I don't know you, will never meet you, and you wouldn't appeciate what I've written as I haven't appreciated what you've written because it's meaningless!! But then maybe you would as obviously you like word games. But I don't!! I'm going through some shit that I'm trying to understand, I know not as much as the people who actually suffer from the problems, but going through it all the same. So just do me a favour please. If you want to reply, then by all means do so in a way that I can actually understand it. If not not please don't bother because this is all very important and serious to me. To me it's my future happiness and no matter how scornful you may be, that relies on me being with the woman I love.

Simon

[MBWolfie]

Hi

I'm new to this but have found some good advice.

I've been struggling myself with a depressed wife who was only diagnosed 3 weeks ago but seems to have got much worse since then. Is it possible that the diagnosis has opened the floodgates for all of her negative feelings?. She's been put on Prozac but obviously it hasn't had any positive effect yet and I'm hoping it will help her start to think straight soon.

I suspect that she has been depressed for at least 3 years but that she's been hiding it until a few weeks ago when she dropped a bombshell that she wasn't happy in our marriage. Since then, her behaviour became more erratic and she became more withdrawn. Thankfully she went to the doctor after not much persuading but the diagnosis really seemed to shock her as she never thought she was depressed. My main hope now is that her doubts about the marriage are a result of the depression and not the cause of it. Suppose I'll have to wait and see on that one.

I noted the comments about depressed people thinking everyone else is better off without them. My wife has said this to me occasionally over the years and is one of the reasons I think it's been creeping up on her for a while.

I'm struggling to find the right sort of support to give. Keeping close and cuddly didn't work at all but neither did keeping my distance. I guess I need to just try different things and see what works.

[gooner1969]

Hi there,

It's difficult isn't it? The big mistake I have made is trying too hard to understand. I tried the hug giving and affection, buying flowers etc etc. In my experience no good. That's not what is required. I've worked out that you just have to get on with your life pretty much as normal. Just try to carry on as normal, otherwise you're putting pressure on yourself and her. But I know that can be really hard to do. You see the person you love really going through some serious shit and you can't help trying to work out how to help, to make them just smile at least. Best option is to just carry on and be there when you are needed or when she asks for your help. But still reassure her that she is the most most important thing in the world to you and that you love her and she's special. The self loathing thing is really hard to hear from your partner. I struggle with that because to me my girlfriend is the best thing that's happened to me.

Try to get somw knowledge of the condition. Read up on it. I bought a book called Depressive Illness, The Curse of the Strong by Dr Tim Cantopher. I found it a good as it's not a massive book (just over a hundred pages) so it's pretty to the point, won't take ages to get through and and doesn't go into too much detail. It's written in laymans terms so doesn't baffle you with a load information you don't understand!! Just gives you an understanding of the illness. I bought it on Amazon and it was only £6 I think.

Don't try to understand what's going on in her head bcause you never will and she probably doesn't understand herself really. But try to educate yourself on the condition and understand the effect it has on sufferers. It'll make life easier for you.

Hi

I'm new to this but have found some good advice.

I've been struggling myself with a depressed wife who was only diagnosed 3 weeks ago but seems to have got much worse since then. Is it possible that the diagnosis has opened the floodgates for all of her negative feelings?. She's been put on Prozac but obviously it hasn't had any positive effect yet and I'm hoping it will help her start to think straight soon.

I suspect that she has been depressed for at least 3 years but that she's been hiding it until a few weeks ago when she dropped a bombshell that she wasn't happy in our marriage. Since then, her behaviour became more erratic and she became more withdrawn. Thankfully she went to the doctor after not much persuading but the diagnosis really seemed to shock her as she never thought she was depressed. My main hope now is that her doubts about the marriage are a result of the depression and not the cause of it. Suppose I'll have to wait and see on that one.

I noted the comments about depressed people thinking everyone else is better off without them. My wife has said this to me occasionally over the years and is one of the reasons I think it's been creeping up on her for a while.

I'm struggling to find the right sort of support to give. Keeping close and cuddly didn't work at all but neither did keeping my distance. I guess I need to just try different things and see what works.