My Partner Has Depression, I'm Making Mess Of It!

[adman]

I couldn't handle a girlfriends depression, much as I loved her. Having handled my own father's suicidal bi-polar state for 20 years, I felt myself being dragged into the blackness to a point where I hated her for rubbing my nose in my own weakness. My father almost gave me a breakdown and I had to draw a line with her. A lover is not the best person to be a therapist or to have all those conversations because after sharing some of the blackness you need to be able to distance yourself or else you are a lot stronger person than me.

What most people want is not to shine a torch but just to be listened too and have their pain acknowledged. Do that as well as you can but find yourself some support too. Someone has to care for the carer.

[MBWolfie]

Thanks SimonP. It's so good to find that I'm not alone in struggling in supporting a depressed partner.

A problem I have is that if the marriage troubles (which, by the way, were a total surprise to me until she just came out with it a few weeks ago) are the cause of the depression, then me showing her how special she is to me is only going to make things worse. It's making me think: If she's likely to dump me anyway when she eventually comes through this, I'm just setting myself up for months of anguish followed by terrible pain.

As I said, it's a waiting game for me and I just hope she doesn't throw it all away and regret it later. I suspect that the depression has caused her doubts about us but then I always have been a positive/stupidly optimistic kind of guy - opposites attract eh?!

Thanks for the advice on the book. I'll have a look for it.

[gooner1969]

I couldn't handle a girlfriends depression, much as I loved her. Having handled my own father's suicidal bi-polar state for 20 years, I felt myself being dragged into the blackness to a point where I hated her for rubbing my nose in my own weakness. My father almost gave me a breakdown and I had to draw a line with her. A lover is not the best person to be a therapist or to have all those conversations because after sharing some of the blackness you need to be able to distance yourself or else you are a lot stronger person than me.

What most people want is not to shine a torch but just to be listened too and have their pain acknowledged. Do that as well as you can but find yourself some support too. Someone has to care for the carer.

Hi,

Sounds like yu've been through a lot!! I feel for you.

I find it's a difficult balancing act. As you say, just listening and being there when she needs me is the best course of action. I just find it so hard to distance myself that much sometimes because I do really love her. It's hard to take a step back and just watch and wait til I'm needed.

I'm trying to get support for myself but that has not proven to be very easy. I contacted my doctors surgery to see if they knew of any support groups or anything of that kind for people trying to deal with what I'm dealing with. All they could give me was the name of a local counselling service. I called them and practically had to beg to be seen by someone. Because I personally am not suffering with depression or any actual problems to be counselled the response I initially got was that they didn't think they could help me!! But they did agree, after serious grovelling, eventually to see me and that is over 2 weeks away yet. All I want is to sit and talk with someone who has experience of dealing with and an in depth knowledge of depression. Someone who can maybe teach me some coping strategies so I don't let it drag me down and can be there for her!! Hopefully it'll help me!! I'll let you know how I get on!!

[gooner1969]

Thanks SimonP. It's so good to find that I'm not alone in struggling in supporting a depressed partner.

A problem I have is that if the marriage troubles (which, by the way, were a total surprise to me until she just came out with it a few weeks ago) are the cause of the depression, then me showing her how special she is to me is only going to make things worse. It's making me think: If she's likely to dump me anyway when she eventually comes through this, I'm just setting myself up for months of anguish followed by terrible pain.

As I said, it's a waiting game for me and I just hope she doesn't throw it all away and regret it later. I suspect that the depression has caused her doubts about us but then I always have been a positive/stupidly optimistic kind of guy - opposites attract eh?!

Thanks for the advice on the book. I'll have a look for it.

Hi Wolfie!!

Maybe it's not a case of showing her how special she is to YOU as such, more a case of just reassuring her her that she is a special and worthwhile person in general!! Take the emotion out of it. You gotta stay optimistic though haven't you? If you lose that you're going to lose her anyway. I'm in the same boat with my girlfriend, we may be finished already. But i know for myself that I can't just give up. Hopefully when she comes out of the depression she'll see things differently (because when she's not depressed she is a pretty optimistic and happy person herself). I'm just hoping it's the depression that is making her so pessimistic about things. I might be wrong, but I've got to hang in there and find out.

Maybe it would help you to find someone to talk to about all this. Read my reply above. I've managed to get an appointment to see a counsellor to talk things through, keep on learning about depression and hopefully learn some techniques to cope and look after myself. If I do that, then I can only support my GF better!

Best of luck mate. I really hope it works out for you!!

[thesloaneranger]

hi simon

i think its great your wanting to help your partner, as its not an easy thing to do. you have already been given some great advice so i cant add much more to the pot. what i will say is that my husband doesnt "get it" and generally wont listen to me when i really need him to. i bought him a book called "living with a black dog"which kinda explained everything in a fun way, but he still didnt read it.

the best thing you can do is try to be there when your partner needs you, give space when required, dont try to go too OTT on trying to understand how they are feeling and most importantly, keep yourself well too. counselling is a great help, and theres plenty of good ones available - try www.bacp.co.uk to find someone local to you that specialises in what you need. thats where i found mine, and shes brilliant! my hubby tends to take his counselling from the guys in the pub, so fair play to you.

good luck and i hope both you and your partner get through this together *hugs*

[gooner1969]

hi simon

i think its great your wanting to help your partner, as its not an easy thing to do. you have already been given some great advice so i cant add much more to the pot. what i will say is that my husband doesnt "get it" and generally wont listen to me when i really need him to. i bought him a book called "living with a black dog"which kinda explained everything in a fun way, but he still didnt read it.

the best thing you can do is try to be there when your partner needs you, give space when required, dont try to go too OTT on trying to understand how they are feeling and most importantly, keep yourself well too. counselling is a great help, and theres plenty of good ones available - try www.bacp.co.uk to find someone local to you that specialises in what you need. thats where i found mine, and shes brilliant! my hubby tends to take his counselling from the guys in the pub, so fair play to you.

good luck and i hope both you and your partner get through this together *hugs*

Hi,

Thanks. Don't be too hard on hubby :-) From my experience it is bloody difficult. The mistake I've made is trying to "get it" I think. I'm the type of person who can't generally just accept things. I seem to have the kind of mind that has to try to understand things and I struggle to just accept that some things are just the way they are and that's it, when I can't see how or why!! I know now I have to be like that with regards to this, but that means having to reprogram my head and stop myself trying to understand it!! That is taking me a bit of time cos I'm 40 now and sometimes old habits die hard!! And the trouble is, because it's taken me so damn long to work all this out, my partner has pulled away from me completely and doesn't seem able or willing to talk to me about things and I know that's because I've made such a mess of it all when she has in the past! Don't know what to do now to show her I'm learning and wanting to learn more. To show her I know what I've got wrong in past and won't make the same mistakes again.

Trust me, watching the person you love suffer so is a very hard thing to do, so don't beat up on hubby too much :-) I guess we all have our own way of coping. It hurts to see it and to feel so bloody useless, because from my experience so far the condition almost renders the partners of sufferers helpless. Make sense? I desperately want to help her, but if I try too hard I get it wrong. On the other hand I worry that if I don't try hard enough I will appear uncaring and unloving and make her feel worthless! It's a really difficult balancing act!

Thanks for the "best wishes". I hope we get there too because she really does mean the world to me!! Good luck to you too. And I hope you get hubby to read that book soon!! He'll feel better about things if he tries to understand how the condition affects people a bit more!! Might just look that one up myself. Sounds like it could be good.

[thesloaneranger]

hi simon

my hubby caused my depression in the first place, hence the reason hes getting a slightly different level of sympathy. he knew i was suffering, stood and watched me crumble and kept calling me a nutter and a bunny boiler. nothing i did was any good and i am finding it very hard to forgive him for all hes done. however, i am trying to because i love him. i see him for a couple of hours a day, most of which he is asleep, so im lucky if i get 1 hour a day of being with him and talking to him about anything and everything. your partner is very lucky to have someone that does want to understand, to help and to be there.i think my hubby only realised how desperate id become and that depression wasnt just a phase when i became deeply suicidal - the one person in the world that can help me not wanting to know is very very hard to take.

that book is a good one as its in cartoon form and can be read in about 10 mins - but the old addage of a picture saying a thousand words is true. it tells you what to expect, what to do, what not to do and reassures that there is a future after depression. if your in the UK, waterstones have it in stock usually - if not they will order it in for you.

hang in there, but dont beat yourself up about this - try finding a counsellor through the link i gave you as having someone to talk to will help you keep well and strong enough to help your girl

take care x

[gooner1969]

hi simon

my hubby caused my depression in the first place, hence the reason hes getting a slightly different level of sympathy. he knew i was suffering, stood and watched me crumble and kept calling me a nutter and a bunny boiler. nothing i did was any good and i am finding it very hard to forgive him for all hes done. however, i am trying to because i love him. i see him for a couple of hours a day, most of which he is asleep, so im lucky if i get 1 hour a day of being with him and talking to him about anything and everything. your partner is very lucky to have someone that does want to understand, to help and to be there.i think my hubby only realised how desperate id become and that depression wasnt just a phase when i became deeply suicidal - the one person in the world that can help me not wanting to know is very very hard to take.

that book is a good one as its in cartoon form and can be read in about 10 mins - but the old addage of a picture saying a thousand words is true. it tells you what to expect, what to do, what not to do and reassures that there is a future after depression. if your in the UK, waterstones have it in stock usually - if not they will order it in for you.

hang in there, but dont beat yourself up about this - try finding a counsellor through the link i gave you as having someone to talk to will help you keep well and strong enough to help your girl

take care x

Thanks. I'll try til i die!! :-) Went straight to library to see if they had the book!! Being ordered in for me so should have it in a couple of days hopefully.

And I'm not that great!! I have to take my share of the responsibility for my partners depression!! I handled it very badly and sometimes still do. Never insulted her or called her names because of depression. I always understood she is depressed and that she can't help how it makes her feel!! I just didn't cope very well, let it bring me down and spent too much time feeling sorry for myself and missing her to give her what she needed!! Guess what's done is done, all I can try to do is put things right.

You take care too, and best of luck with everything.

[MBWolfie]

It hurts to see it and to feel so bloody useless, because from my experience so far the condition almost renders the partners of sufferers helpless. Make sense? I desperately want to help her, but if I try too hard I get it wrong. On the other hand I worry that if I don't try hard enough I will appear uncaring and unloving and make her feel worthless! It's a really difficult balancing act!

You've just pefectly summed up how I feel. If I try too hard, I'm pressurising her. If I try and keep a distance, she blames herself for making me want to stay away from her (I heard she'd said that to her mum).

Everyone says you just need to be normal around a depressed person but It's so hard to do when you live with them.

I had my own issues with panic attacks and anxiety a few years ago when I was ill for a while and going through tests and treatment which ended with me having an operation, so I do understand the irrationality of it all. I suppose that makes me all the more keen to help and pass on my experience. Basically, once I managed to convince myself that I wasn't actually going to die, I managed to spot the warning signs and ride out the attacks because I knew it would pass and I'd feel better afterwards. After a while they became less severe and less frequent until they stopped alltogether. That's what I want to get through to her, that there will be a time that she'll feel better and be in control again.

[gooner1969]

 It hurts to see it and to feel so bloody useless, because from my experience so far the condition almost renders the partners of sufferers helpless. Make sense? I desperately want to help her, but if I try too hard I get it wrong. On the other hand I worry that if I don't try hard enough I will appear uncaring and unloving and make her feel worthless! It's a really difficult balancing act!

You've just pefectly summed up how I feel. If I try too hard, I'm pressurising her. If I try and keep a distance, she blames herself for making me want to stay away from her (I heard she'd said that to her mum).Everyone says you just need to be normal around a depressed person but It's so hard to do when you live with them.I had my own issues with panic attacks and anxiety a few years ago when I was ill for a while and going through tests and treatment which ended with me having an operation, so I do understand the irrationality of it all. I suppose that makes me all the more keen to help and pass on my experience. Basically, once I managed to convince myself that I wasn't actually going to die, I managed to spot the warning signs and ride out the attacks because I knew it would pass and I'd feel better afterwards. After a while they became less severe and less frequent until they stopped alltogether. That's what I want to get through to her, that there will be a time that she'll feel better and be in control again.

Hi There,

How's it going with you?

Being "normal" is the hardest thing in the world!! And I think it's just clicked with me why!! I don't think there is another illness like depression to have to cope with as a carer. If your partner has cancer, you have an idea what you are up against and you'll know the treatment that is going to be administered. If she is left paralysed from the waist down because of a road traffic accident, you know how it happened, why she can't walk and can probably be pretty sure of how it will affect her in life to come!! Depression must be one of the few things that has so many unknowns. And to be told that the best way to help someone is "just be normal and act as though nothing is wrong" just seems to be wrong. Know what I mean? If she had cancer and was in pain, I would give her pain relief, not just ignore it and make myself a cheese toastie!! If she lost the use of her legs and I came home to find her lying on the floor I would help her up, not just walk past her saying "Hi honey I'm home" as usual and carry on as normal leaving her there. These may be rubbish examples, but you get what I'm saying?

It is completely alien and unnatural for us to see the person we love so much, in so much pain and going through such torment and do nothing. That's why it's so effing hard mate. It's just instinctive to want to do something, anything to help! It's a weird condition and there really is no point in trying to understand it, just try to learn how to cope and deal with it to the best of our abilities!!

[MBWolfie]

Just got past a big event this weekend. One of my wife's cousin's wedding yesterday, which was at the same hotel that we used 8 years ago for ours. Loads of memories there for both of us and she did really well. Better than me maybe: Her family were being so good to me and supportive last night it was me who was trying to keep my emotions at bay for my wife's sake.

On a past weekend away with her mum, she had deliberately chosen a hotel that we had never been to as a couple, so it didn't hold any memories of "us". This hurt me at the time but I came to understand it. We've both been dreading this weekend for weeks and I'm so relieved.

She's been doing well and I think the medication must have started to kick in. It's her first councelling session later this week but I have no idea how long it will take to get to the cause of her depression. Thing is: Now her state of mind seems to be improving, it's got harder for me again in some ways because I'm in limbo while she decides if she does want me or not and whether "we" are the cause of everything for her. I know that may sound really narcisistic but now she's behaving more normally, it makes it more obvious that she's keeping me at arm's length. The sooner she finds out the cause of all this, the better. If it is us, then I can deal with it and decide what to do next. Until then, I'm left waiting and wondering......

The next big hurdle is our wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks, which I have no idea how to approach. Any ideas welcome....

[catspiracy]

I started to try to read the whole thread, but then I just wanted to jump in with my own advice, lol. Hope that's ok!

First of all, thanks for this thread. My hubby is putting me thru the same thing with his depression. Sometimes it gets so bad that it makes me want to leave him. After all, ***I'M*** supposed to be the crazy one in the family, LOL! All joking aside, I do need the tips people are giving here because I really want my hubby to feel better and live healthier. Because he is my one true love and I devote my life to our relationship.

So to organize my fragmented thinking....

1. Gavin is hard to read but I'm getting a little of what he's getting: you can't control your girlfriend. You can't make her get well. SHE has to choose transformation over depression, and that is a heroic choice no one can make for anyone else. It takes dedication and daily work to get well and it takes opening ones heart and mind to new possibilities, new solutions to what the depressed person has already deemed hopeless. All of this is out of your control, and if she doesn't choose life, yes indeed she will suck yours right out of you. Not because she's evil, but because it's the nature of the sickness. So maintain SOME sort of conditions to living with this person, or else you yourself have a sickness: Codependency. I'd advise researching Codependency a little and see where that takes you. I think this is what you meant when you said it's best to behave naturally:you must never lose yourself in this situation or both of you are lost!

2. People who are depressed feel like they are poisonous and evil. So when you do nice stuff for them, they feel as though they have corrupted you, and they then use that to torture themselves with further. That's one reason why they don't want hugs. The other is, depression is often anger turned inwards, especially in women. Women feel we have no right to get angry, it's not ladylike and isn't allowed. So instead we get sad. Sad is allowed, i would say even encouraged in females. It can even give a woman a certain degree of manipulative power she feels she can't gain any other way. Damsel in distress type of thing. All of this would disgust her inner sense of integrity, making her feel still more poisonous and despicable. And covering the kernel of rage in a deeper mound of compost..... Get her talking. She needs to feel safe to say any horrible thing and not have you buy into it or react personally to it. This could be done in therapy or in your living room. Don't do it in the bedroom though. Buy her an inviting journal so she can spew her poison into it rather than burdening others. Depressed people feel awful about burdening others. So it's important to make sure you are NOT burdened by her and make a safe space for her to be real with you.

3. Help her ground. Chances are, you can tell when she's starting to get hazy or spacey before she goes into another pain glitch. That's when you can delight her senses to try to bring her back to the here and now. Chocolate! Back scratching! Tidy up the room the two of you are lounging in so that the chi is flowing and the room is visually appealing. Make simple observational remarks. "I like this sax solo." "The sunshine feels warm on your skin." That sort of thing. When we truly live in the Here and Now, there's usually little to be depressed about. Especially if your man is rubbing your back and feeding your chocolates while you snuggle! Take a yoga class or a breath meditation class together. dont make it be about her depression, make it be about having fun.

4. Develop safe words or conversation rituals that ensure that she can communicate with limited verbal. Depression takes away our voices, we think we don't deserve to be heard, that our opinions are crap. Sometimes depressed people get psychosomatic problems like your throat swells shut, your ears ring, you just can't hear or speak properly at all, the pain is so great you have to grit your teeth to keep from screaming. Well, I'm bipolar II and that's how it is for me. Anyhow, those are the times when squeezing my hubby's hand signals him to give me that big hug and tell me everything is going to be ok, that I'm not a bad person, etc. Or when I go in our room and shut the door, the family knows that I am in there taking "mama time" and not to bother me, not even with delightful gifts or good news.

5. Encourage plenty of sunshine and exercise. Studies prove that a brisk 20 min walk has equal antidepressant effects as a pill (short term). And doing something outside together is once again all about having fun, NOT about her depression. You know, as I write that, I need to remember that's how I must approach my hubby about exercising. His depression would definitely lift significantly if he rode his bike with me and the kids for half an hour a day! plus he'd get sexier-looking as he dropped his beer belly. Anyhow, sunshine helps a lot if Seasonal Affective Disorder is a feature of your gf's depression. I think hiking in nature is the absolute best because then you get Nature Medicine along with the sunshine and exercise. Nature elevates the soul. And again, gives plenty of opportunity for more grounding. Nature has many examples of Dark Light Creatures such as rattlesnakes and spiders....they prove to a depressed person that letting your dark light shine is not evil, it fits into the natural order of things and has its niche. Well, that's my belief anyway.

so that's what I think. Best wishes to you and your lady, I hope she is one of the brave ones and is ready for this Beautiful Struggle of getting well. It is actually very life-enriching. Just as Love is common currency among all humanity, so is Suffering. And now your gf is privy to that truth and in her suffering, connects into the universal compassion pipeline.

love and light to you and your gf,

cat

[catspiracy]

oh yeah, and get the book "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns. Both of you read it!

[catspiracy]

Just got past a big event this weekend. One of my wife's cousin's wedding yesterday, which was at the same hotel that we used 8 years ago for ours. Loads of memories there for both of us and she did really well. Better than me maybe: Her family were being so good to me and supportive last night it was me who was trying to keep my emotions at bay for my wife's sake.

On a past weekend away with her mum, she had deliberately chosen a hotel that we had never been to as a couple, so it didn't hold any memories of "us". This hurt me at the time but I came to understand it. We've both been dreading this weekend for weeks and I'm so relieved.

She's been doing well and I think the medication must have started to kick in. It's her first councelling session later this week but I have no idea how long it will take to get to the cause of her depression. Thing is: Now her state of mind seems to be improving, it's got harder for me again in some ways because I'm in limbo while she decides if she does want me or not and whether "we" are the cause of everything for her. I know that may sound really narcisistic but now she's behaving more normally, it makes it more obvious that she's keeping me at arm's length. The sooner she finds out the cause of all this, the better. If it is us, then I can deal with it and decide what to do next. Until then, I'm left waiting and wondering......

The next big hurdle is our wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks, which I have no idea how to approach. Any ideas welcome....

Dear MBWolfie,

I'm glad you got thru the wedding weekend and it's good to hear that your inlaws are so supportive.

Yeah, medication takes a few weeks to kick in....Glad her state of mind is improving, too. What you describe makes me think maybe she does have that kernel of anger about something simmering inside her. I think it would be best if you guys start going to a separate therapist for couples counseling so that she can communicate what she's so pissed off about, have you react in a supportive way, and move past it. Don't go to her T for couples, get a new one. Territory is important right now, communication is super-important. Wires have gotten crossed, and they can be sorted out again and things can be fine again.

How long have you been married? Have you ever read up on relationship stages or even individual life stages? It makes interesting reading to understand that oh, we're doing the "power struggle" stage again, and we need to re-negotiate some compromise. fine tuning, maintainance, prevention.....so much better than nursing gripes, letting them build into minefields. I've been married 10 years and we go through our ups and downs for sure!!! but all in all, if both are deeply committed to making it work, it will! Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary! (((Wolfie)))

Wedding anniversary. I would definitely try to get her talking about it. Tell her you want to show her how much you love her and how can you best do that? She can't be but happy that you're planning ahead and want her input. Ask her what she wants and use active listening when she answers. If she tells you to surprise her, come back and we'll brainstorm some more.

hang in there, i love your attitude!

love,

cat

[gavin]

Simon still on here picking his noise, the aesthetic of depression are in the person you’re looking at.

It becomes a flooding enterprise, For the helper just to stop yourself from downing, in their

depression, simon lives in the rarefied air of his own high backward culture,,,,,

The delusion is still there that you can help; there is for the helper much protracted poignant strain and fatigue, you will lose everything; The subject matter ,,,, Can i help my partner??????????????

Help with Repression, help with dissociation, help with Phantasy,,,,, which one can the Partner

Help with??????? What about incompatible Impulses,,,,,,,, when they shut down,,,,,,,

Is this thread the Theoretical Foundation for Cures and Guidance?????????????

The partner is dealing with Variations in very Narrow people,

Manner,,,,,,, awkward

Poise,,,,,,,,,,self conscious

Speech ,,,,,,,,unsuitable mistakes

Voice ,,,,,,, disagreeable

Stature,,,,,,, bad

Physical strength ,,,,,,, bull shit nothing,,

Let we emphasize this ,,,,,, don;t fall in love,,,,, live on your own,,,,,

If i do come in contact with people of depression;

The first thing i say is,,, don;t bullshit me ,,,,, stop lying to yourself,,,,

I;am curing myself, not some psychiatry bullshitter,,,,,, just me and my local gp,,,,,,

I’am still here today because i helped myself,,,,,,,,, i only learned to read and write

3 years ago i have helped myself,,,,,,,,, i did it myself,,,,,,,,

Another thing,,,,,,, wait until you get Violent the Helper that is ,,,,,,,,gavin

Voilance comes when you just can't cope; or the bills arn't paid. or you are loosing your house,,,

[gavin]

catspricy,

Your words of chocolate, the ecstasy, the slow motion, this idyll dose not last,

Come back in 10years and say the same thing; this is not the horse and buggy age;

The tide does not have channels of Champagne on the ebb and flow tide of love;

there is great Ebullience and vulgarity about what you say, you must be soft gentle,a porcelain

Prophet who has reached out to this man, one can see you are not cast –obsessed,

You don’t have bottomless pockets, your house is modest but very warm,

I see you have great empathy for your partner, your career is stable, a

Celtic talisman in your house, your world is miniature with abundance of

Oddities and discoveries,,,,,,,, just my thinking gavin

[gooner1969]

Poetry is not what we need. We have asked for help in understanding and helping. I'm glad you've been able to help yourself Gavin. Really I am, but your words don't really help others. You found a way to the help you need, why not let others seek out and try to get the help they need without trying to drag them down and lose hope?

[Roses]

So hoe are things at the moment Simon? You've not posted for a long time before today. Have you made any positive changes? How is your partner? xxx

[Suzie87]

Ah how great that you want to help your wife

My poor boyfriend hasn't a clue what to do with me! The best thing he did was last week, we'd had a lovely lazy day but in the evening I just burst out crying for no reason, as I often do. He just climbed onto the bed next to me and cuddled me for ages, and didn't say a word, just cuddled me until I stopped. Then afterwards he just smiled and said "I'm here"

Which is just what I needed.