Katherine Posted March 16, 2005 Report Share Posted March 16, 2005 OK, so someone will tell me I'm being attention seeking. Lost, I admire your directness and strength. I also want to say that the little girl inside of me feels scared. Does this mean that noone will respond to me when I'm feeling bad? Already the responses I get are not as many as there used to be. Is this why? I have a job, 30 hours a week. I haven't had a day off at all for BPD related issues. I have only had one day off sick in the time I've been working there, that was when I fell down running for the bus to work and landed on my arm and nearly passed out and was in shock. I try hard, I really do, I DO have an adult self, but its sometimes gets eclipsed by old childhood feelings still being unmet. I am on medication, I have a caring and patient therapist, I have some friends, why do I still need you guys? because..?????? I have been alone with devastating feelings so many times in my life that I no longer want to be alone with them any more. Because I need to learn how to make friends. And because I care, and I understand. We are a community. "Please don't shatter my safety and security any more. Please be with me when I am angry and afraid. Please don't push me away."... karie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey Posted March 16, 2005 Report Share Posted March 16, 2005 ((((((((((Karie))))))))))) i dont think your attention seeking hun i will never push you away when you need someone to listen always here for you whether your angry or sad sometime i dont reply to posts mainly due to me having a bad day or not knowing what to say! but will never give you the cold shoulder! take care friend Traceyxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted March 16, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2005 Thanks Tracey. I just want to feel safe. hugs, karie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beat Posted March 16, 2005 Report Share Posted March 16, 2005 hi karie, like tracey i don't think you are attention seeking. i am scared most of the time, but it is through necessity that i do not let it take over my life. in all honesty i am quite envious of your being in touch with the little girl inside of you. even when i was a little girl i was never young. i always had to take a lot on. its sounds that you have a lot of unresolved issues in your childhood as do i. my advice is, and i know it is really easy to say, is rather than hiding in your feelings face your fears. i am battling this at the moment and it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination but its the only way all the different sides of myself are going to start working together. at the minute i am constantly in conflict with myself, i literally argue with myself for hours and i beat myself up. you still need people on these forums because there is only so much understanding a non-bpd can give you. my mam is a tower of strength to me and she is supportive but still she hasn't been where i have and she hasn't felt this intense uncertainity and sadness that doesn't seem to stem from anywhere. she can only understand so much, as can my friends. talking to someone who has been there does, for me, take the loneliness out of bpd. i have to feel safe with myself before i can get security from anyone else; these forums give me a little security in myself because everyone is so understanding and caring. i know i haven't been posting here very long but my thoughts do throughout my day, turn to the people from these forums and i wonder how everyone is doing. peace beat xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTBadBug Posted March 16, 2005 Report Share Posted March 16, 2005 Hi Kari, I believe everyone on this site accepts that each of us handles lifes challenges differently, some people may show there child side, you know I deny that my inner child exists. I think what is important is that we accept that people look for different things out of this site. I will frequently support people when I think they are attention seeking, but, that is probably because I understand that need, I control my need, I believe I am an attention seeker and as part of my control system I deny myself the use of that type of behaviour (well at least try too), but, that does not mean I think badly about people who don't function like myself. I accept that for some people it has to come out. If you were to speak to my last therapist he would still tell you that I am an attention seeker, and I don't leave him in peace. I have felt the despair of being in therapy and feeling that I would not be able to cope without it, but, we can and we do, that does not mean we don't need any support, we just need to find other sources, for me it was a puppy 10 years ago and now it is everyone here, people like yourself. The posts I don't reply to are the ones where I don't think I have anything constructive to say. I know your therapist is away for three and a half weeks, but, I will keep my fingers crossed for you and will be here throughout that period should you want to chat. Do take care, I hope I have not said anything to upset you or anyone else, and, finally, try and think positively, you will cope, you will be strong, and you will succeed. Jane. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted March 16, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2005 thanks Beat and Jane. I'll reply in depth when I can. k. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claire Posted March 16, 2005 Report Share Posted March 16, 2005 We all need attention in life sometimes. Nothing wrong with that. The whole point to this site is so that people can reach out to each other, and be supportive, and find support. I do not reply very often, because my visits here are sporadic, and I am wrestling with many of my own demons and don't feel able to respond. My relationship is lurching from crisis to crisis at the moment, and I am finding life very difficult, but I am reading most things when I can. I don't want anyone to feel ignored on this site, but at the same time what can I do? in any one given day I have a million and one different mood swings. It's hard to know what I even think anymore... um....so that's kind of it for now.. :wacko: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinklady66 Posted March 16, 2005 Report Share Posted March 16, 2005 Kalilora, I don't think that you are attention seeking. All you want to do is be heard. There is nothing wrong with that. Everyone needs some T.LC. sometimes Hugs..... :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted March 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2005 Thanks all, its that I don't feel so safe here now. I am terrified that criticism will start to crumble what stability and security I have built up for myself. Some posts yesterday reminded me of the group that I just left, where I was acutely retraumatised within the group dynamics. In my life I have been told again and again by therapists that I NEED attention, because of all what I never had when I was 'growing up'. Its simply that I need to ask for it in an appropriate and reasonable way. I hope that I do it here. I too want to recover, and for myself I know it takes time, courage, patience, and use of the life I have in me to the positive. karie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted March 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2005 ? I just don't want to be blamed for being me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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