mrs_strasbody Posted September 6, 2009 Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 i wrote this when i was 16 and it makes me think these problems i have were there long before i was even aware... see what you think... Did you ever lie still in the dark And listen to the silence Did you ever gather up your thoughts Of days and nights gone by since Did you ever dream of happiness Contentment, love and life Did you ever wish for a fairytale Existence free from strife Did you ever feel trapped yet alone But also suffocated Did you ever wish for a life without The pressures life created Did you ever think of ways and means To stand up and be counted Then look back at your past endeavours And feel somewhat dismounted Did you ever imagine to be another Personality or appearence Where you were loved or liked by all Or just appreciated Did you ever wonder if they knew Or even understood How low you felt down deep inside Beneath that happy mood Did you ever look at simple things And see more than they are Did you ever watch the sky at night And wish upon the brightest star Did you ever find that special one And push them far away Did you ever do a loved one wrong And hoped that they would stay Did you ever feel so dead inside Because noone was near Did you ever feel so empty Did you ever shed a tear Did you ever know you've caused such pain It cut them like a knife Did you ever regret not telling them I need you in my life Did you ever look into their eyes And say a little prayer Did you ever look into their heart And wish that you were there Did you ever hope that love so strong Would somehow get you through Cos I really want you all to know That I do love all of you x0x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted September 6, 2009 Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 thats really good and i think its interesting to look back on past writings and notice things that were going on even then. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmorgan_uk Posted September 6, 2009 Report Share Posted September 6, 2009 really good poem,do you have a psych id take it to them could be usfull Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrs_strasbody Posted September 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2009 Thank you Rael Morgan, I think that's a great idea, thank you! I don't have a psych at the moment, no. I havent built up the courage to see my doctor again yet... I keep getting palmed off when I go to see him to talk, either that or I just clam up because I dont want anyone to think less of me... Rediculou, I know. It is kinda like the doctor has a stigma problem tho, or maybe I am just imagining it and should just get on with it? I dont know. I also dont know how to resolve this because i have an inability to 'rock the boat' as such and have been brought up to not complain cos apparently it comes accross as ungrateful. Yeah, I had an amazing childhood lol I hope that through talking to people more courageous than myself who have sought out professional help, i will build up the courage and the tools i need to be able to talk to my doctor and more importantly, get what i wana say out there :S I never thought of using this poem tho so thank you for sugesting this Love drea x0x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotchbryte Posted September 11, 2009 Report Share Posted September 11, 2009 i can really sympathize with you about making that plan to see your doc and being unable to. when i need support the most is when its hardest for me to reach out. i have had the same doctor for 12 years now and she was a part of the med team (or what felt like army against me at the time) involved in my diagnosis 10 years ago. all these years later i still feel on the verge of panic almost every time i sit down in her waiting room. the past few years have seen a lot of improvement in our relationship and i do know now she is there to help, not just counting the seconds until i leave the office and yet i still have a very difficult time going to see her. i make my follow up appointments now before i leave the office so i will be less tempted to bail! i also get nervous about sharing everything with her at times and wind up not bringing certain things up until several visits later sometimes. but i must say going back to seeing her more regularly has really helped me a lot lately. i know you will find the courage to make the appointment when the time is right, and i hope that your doctor like mine, can look past the label and support you in the long run. keep your chin up beautiful your poem was fantastic, and i find it amazing how much of it i could relate to both now, and when i was 16! i look forward to reading more of your work should you be willing to share. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrs_strasbody Posted September 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 17, 2009 thank you scotchbryte i really appreciate your comments and your encouragement. i think i just need to really face up to the fact that this whole recovery thing isn't guna be easy and there is no way of sugar coating it for myself. reality sux doesn't it? i need to 'find my balls' as my husband would so eloquently put it and go see the dr and get referred. the thing that holds me back is i get so scared of people judging me it's crippling. sometimes i get the fear and dont leave the house for days. i call it the fear cos its like a sort of dread i get sometimes when i think about goin out or talkin to people. i dont know how to control it or make it stop because i know it is irrational but i feel like i have no power over it. the ironic thing is, anyone who 'knows' me will tell you fear is a word that they would never associate with me. however, i think all that tells me is i play the part of strong minded adventurer with a fuck u attitude very well lol. we all have our masks i suppose. so if you dont mind me askin, what did you say to your doctor when u first went for help? i am at a loss for how to even begin asking cos i dont really know what i want to ask for... love n hugs x0x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted September 22, 2009 Report Share Posted September 22, 2009 really good, thanks for sharing. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotchbryte Posted November 1, 2009 Report Share Posted November 1, 2009 Im sorry, i know this reply is way overdue. I dont mind you asking but unfortunately i cant offer a lot of advice about approaching your doctor. it has taken almost a decade for me and mine to arrive on the same page. when i first saw her about all this, i went because they made me. i was actually lucky they didnt commit me, but at the time i had a partner that saved me from a hospital stay. since i have begun working with her on all of this, i generally tell her how i have been feeling since we last spoke. we go over things that have happened in my life since my last visit and try to identify triggers when i am not doing well and things that promote my success when i am. i try to explain how i feel to her first, as opposed to events that have happened. its hard for me to admit that things arent going well again after a period of success because i dont want her to judge me or think i have failed in some way. but when i clearly tell her i am in need of support, and that i feel things are backsliding, she works with me to come up with a plan to get things back on track. sometimes its introducing a new med. sometimes its just listening. sometimes its telling me 2 specific things i have to accomplish in a certain time frame and other times it is simply scheduling another appointment for 1 week later before i leave the office as she knows i am prone to saying i will be back and then not showing up. its been a difficult road with my doctor, but i can honestly say, once i opened up to her and stopped worrying about her judgement, she became a real support instead of one more obligation. however long it takes for you to begin opening up to your GP, i believe it will be worthwhile. i hope your doctor becomes as big a source of support as mine has for me. i have seen so many councellors, and pyschiatrists over the years but after all of that, she is the only one still standing. she doesnt make me feel like a burden or bother and she wants me to accomplish all of the things others make me feel are impossible for me. at the end of the day, i wouldnt be here without her. i wish you luck in your journey, mine is still a winding path but im still on it! and that is a hell of lot if you ask me :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrs_strasbody Posted November 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 1, 2009 hey scotchbryte, thats so amazing that you have been so brave and come so far. i hope i can do the same one day. and you have really put my mind at ease over talking to my GP. i guess just need to take the step. i have just moved into a different area and need to get a new gp so i guess it will probably be easier to start afresh n talk to whoever i get registered with about all this and see what happens. its kinda scary but ill keep you updated. n no probs bout the reply, i really appreciate you writing back. drea x0x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy Lalor Posted November 6, 2009 Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 hi im new here. but could i suggest that you say on the phone when youre making the appointment that it is to talk to the doctor. that way you will have to when you get there. and they are there to help, try not to be scared.all you have to say is that you feel there is something very wrong emotionally and you would like to do a psychological disorder assessment to see if there is any treatment most suitable.if she/he has one well and good, it will just be a matter of answering honestly, you wont have to describe it yourself, and if not they will have to refer you for psychiatric/psychological evaluation. I find the best thing to do is not to think about it because what you think you will say is rarely what comes out, and if you think alot about it you will probably talk yourself out of going altogether! I hope that helps xox Amy L <_< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrs_strasbody Posted November 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2009 Thank you, that is awesome advice AmyL. Thats what I have been kinda struggling with because I have so many issues I wouldnt know where to begin but your suggestion sounds pretty to the point and simple to carry out. I havent got round to changing doc yet but when i do ill let yall know how i get on. Thank you for writing me. Drea x0x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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