How Did I Get Here?

[JeanneK]

I'm finding this eating disorder a really tricky thing to overcome. I was in treatment in 2005 for anorexia and I've generally been managing ok since then. I managed to bust my denial and all my crazy thinking: I only ate a piece of fruit 3 days a week and only reason I ate it was because I went to gymm for an hour. I now see how 'crazy' my thinking was.

My problem is I'm back there again and I don't know how I got here? It's been a tough year so far and I've slipped with everything (self-medicating, cutting and not eating). It's like vicious circle and I'm starting to think I'm never going to get out of it. My eating is virtually non-existent and I go to gym 3 days a week. I know I need to eat but when I do I feel simply terrible and then I do something else 'stupid' to kill the feeling. Like today I ate well (ok in my mind it was good - ate twice) and immediately after eating I felt like cutting. I procrastinated it, kinda hoped the feeling would go, but I ended up cutting worse than I have in over a year.

I just can't get this eating thing right! I mean how hard is it to eat? Well for me it feels impossible most times. I have reached out but everyone says I need to go in for treatment AGAIN and unfortunately I can't at the moment. I'm so sick of being forced to eat..wish someone would just understand that it's not just a simple thing.

Anyhow, my goal is to eat 3 times tomorrow and not to cut..also taking a break from gym. It feels impossible but I'm going to give it my all - one day at a time.

I don't understand how I got this eating disorder? Was I just born all messed up? It really gets to me sometimes like now. I'm glad I found this website - it's kinda strange as I was searching for suicide sites and I ended up here. I guess 'someone' out there is looking out for me?!