Did My Parents Do This?

[flora]

My therapist and new psychiatrist are putting my problems down to childhood abuse. Or what they say is abuse but i can't believe my parents who i loved and trusted would abuse me. I was looking at them today and wondering - would i have been ok if it wasn't for the things they did to me as a child?

Did they inflict this misery on me? How can i forgive them if it's true? I used to come out of therapy really angry with my parents, my T thought it was healthy anger but that's one of the things I'm glad off since i quit therapy, that I don't feel so churned up and confused about my family and past.

Flora xox

[lostsoul]

im surprised you never thought you had been abused if she thinks you were - kinda strange dontcha think?

sounds like she / he is urging you to feel something that you didnt insitinctively feel or want to feel?

i dunno your situation so its impossible for me to comment, except to say im pretty sure you know deep down if you were or were not abused without someone having to tell you, and feel however YOU want to feel about it, you know, be angry or not, etc etc.

i have no idea if your parents did this to you. maybe you should talk about this with them?

well, take care

xx

[willow]

Flora, I don't know if you can blame BPD on abuse. After all, some of us have not been abused, so what do they say about that? I was diagnosed with BPD a couple of years ago, and I was not abused as a child. Actually, I think I had a pretty good beginning childhood. I hit a major depression at about age 11 or 12, and am just now starting to recover a little bit. I'm almost 20 years old.

[amyb]

Flora-

I can relate. My problem is that I don't remember my abuse. I never thought there was any, except all the T's I've been to insist that there was. Now, I look back and do remember things...not details, but feelings i had. I'm not sure what happened, but know it's there. It has to do with my mom, but as said, don't know exactly what. I have a lot of inappriate sexual feelings. I can't stand to be touched by my mom or grandma...makes me feel icky and trapped. I tend to dissociate when they try to hug me.

Amy

[cute but phyco]

I too have BPD, I do not remember any abuse. My family loved me. No therapist has tried to convince me that I was abused as a child. I know it didnt happen and if anyone tries to convince me so i will be pissed. It is counter-productive to therapy i think.

[subtlesurprise]

I understand your thinking as far as the parents/abuse theory flora. I had a similar experience. It was a shock for me to realize that what my family was doing was abuse. Just know that we support you! :bigarmhug[1]:

[Axelle]

Hi Flora,

Not every BPD has suffered from childhood abuse. Some have just been raised into a so-called invalidating environment, where their feelings were not recognised for what they were, or where the expression of feelings was punished.

As to whether you were abused, you are the only one who can find out, but abuse relates to sexual abuse, or physical abuse, or psychological aabuse.

Some parents may have abused their children without knowing it.

I am not the advocate of the devil, but I think this topic must be treated very carefully as it can be damaging for the patient.

Take your time, you will know the truth!

XXxxx

[FleeingFox]

Some parents may have abused their children without knowing it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That in itself is a poor statement, abusers know very well when they are abusing someone. Let's not start making rash statements here, raising children is just about the most complex and difficult task in the entire world. Upon raising children one comes to realise just what a tremendous ordeal it can be for the parent.

It is utterly out of place to suggest that parents may abuse their children without even knowing it, just what are you trying to imply? Such ignorance has caused a great deal of distress for hundreds of thousands of concerned and anxious parents, you might want to re-think that statement.......

[CathE]

hey Fox if i can rephrase what Axelle said, a parent might not realise their behaviour is damaging to their child - i think that's a fair statement. i dont understand your argument. ? are u sure abusers dont always know they are being abusive? they may think their behaviour is 'normal' as a result of their own upbringing. paedophiles often justify their actions in their own minds as 'loving'. my parents damaged me and they STILL dont realise what they have done was anything but loving and what they thought was best.

Cath. x

[Barebones]

i agree with what cathe said.. my parents didnt relise what they was doing.. they was so full of themselves thinking that they was normal and others is in the wrong that they dont beleive they have done anything wrong..only thing is that my dad took 30 years to own up to what he did to my sister.. he wont own up to what little he did with me..so i agree with axelle some parents dont know that they are hurting there children..

[Axelle]

Thanks CathE, that's exactly what I meant.

Did not men to upset anyone, and the etrm "abuse" should not have been employed without further explaination.

Axelle

[lvlyldy]

QUOTE(Axelle @ Sep 5 2005, 08:12 PM)

Some parents may have abused their children without knowing it.

That in itself is a poor statement, abusers know very well when they are abusing someone. Let's not start making rash statements here, raising children is just about the most complex and difficult task in the entire world. Upon raising children one comes to realise just what a tremendous ordeal it can be for the parent.

It is utterly out of place to suggest that parents may abuse their children without even knowing it, just what are you trying to imply? Such ignorance has caused a great deal of distress for hundreds of thousands of concerned and anxious parents, you might want to re-think that statement

.......

Fleeing Fox

I agree with the first part of your post, re the difficulties in raising children.

Not everyone deliberately sets out to abuse their child/children.

However, there are all kinds of abuse, some of which often go unrecognised. I can now admit I was emotionally unavailable for my son, at the time I didn't/couldn't see it. My parents were emotinaly unavailable to me, only I didn't discover this until I was in my mid thirties........ we learn what we live.

I have so much guilt weighing me down over the unintentional mistakes that I made, you can't put a wise head on young shoulders. I am thankful that I have recognised my mistakes and can sit down and discuss them with my son, to ensure we do not continue this pattern with the grandchildren.

We do the best that we can with the knowledge that we have at the time.

L.

[Axelle]

L.

I think you fully understand my point! (I am not a parent myself)

I wish my parents were able to have the same approach with me. But I am afraid they will never be able to admit that they did wrong and were just incapable at times(it will have to be my fault for ever), and although I am no longer angry, I think the broken link is not fixable.

No parent is perfect, and you do your best admiting that you have not been.

I wish you good luck and strengh

XXXxx

Axelle

[Axelle]

Misunderstood the previous post!

I do not take away what I said, but L.'s post is one more reason to think that parent's do not always abuse their kids "on purpose"!

Again, I do NOT defend parents who abuse their children (I do suffer too much for too much stupidity!!)

[Lauren]

I dont think that many people actually sets out thinking 'hey today I am going to abuse/hurt....'

There are many reasons why people become abusers.As to how aware they are that they are doing it I do not know.

But from past experience and from what I have seen I have had to come to the conclusion that denial is a very powerful thing.

Well that is one reason. There are many others.

[Lauren]

Denial,learned behaviour,mental illness,being under the influence of drink/drugs/someone else......

All I do know is that it is never the fault of the person who has been abused.

[Lauren]

You know Fox,

I really and completely do not think that my Mother realised what she was doing or that she even has any insight now.

And that is the hardest thing for me to take.

[nikk]

The focus on abuse as THE explanation for BPD (in patient-focussed and academic material) is something which has annoyed me since I was diagnosed earlier this year. It seems to me that what makes a human mind is not generally understood and an atypical mind such as that of those with BPD even less so. The fact that many BPDs have experienced abuse gives some MH professionals an easy way out in understanding the disorder.

It is more complex than that - many people who have experienced abuse do not develop BPD, many people with BPD have never experienced abuse.

It may be the case that a large part of the cause of BPD is to do with parental influence (whether through intentional abuse or misguided "unhealthy" care-giving) but I don't think therapists/academics do anyone any favours by simplifying everything down to the question of abuse.

In my own case: I know that I was never abused. It is probably the case though that some behaviour or way of relating to the world that I gained from my parents is partially responsible for the pain I feel now. I don't blame my parents for this... I do however know that I will never have kids of my own - I don't want to risk inflicting that on anyone else.

[FleeingFox]

This subject is wide-open for debate, I wonder if anyone here realises the implications of some of these statements!

I am the first to acknowledge that 'some' parents are horrifyingly abusive, my own mother tried to murder me when I was 5yrs old, which is why I spent eleven years in state institutions. I was raised by 'EXTREMELY' abusive people, I endured physical, emotional and sexual abuse, very little of this abuse was from my parents, NONE of this was from my father!

I am wondering exactly where people are coming from here, are we talking about not getting enough pocket money, not having the freedom one wanted, having ones bottom spanked, what????????????????

I'm starting to lose my patience with this subject, those of us whom have experience 'extreme' abuse can assure others of just how it feels to be abused. I have heard a huge amount of folk through my life whinge about not having all the treaty things during childhood as being abuse, aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggh!!!!

Having a smack when being totally out of line, this is NOT abuse, DON'T even think about it, I don't resort to violence with my daughter. Having your fingers forced back until they break because you took a cube of sugar from the staff room, having your legs beaten with hockey sticks, having a telephone book placed on your stomach then getting punched violently by three adult males, being held hostage by a group of sick bastards who rape you for 5days in succession.........these things are abuse, I'm totally sick of this thread..............

[Jane]

can we just keep this topic calm please

[calyps]

i guess this all depends on how you view your parents. i love mine. But i still remember what they did to me. I'm not talking about pocket money, I'm talking about the physical abuse. before my grandmam died, i hear talk about her husband and the physical atrocities he released onto my father. Is it any wonder my father would behave the same way? He is a lovely person, I love him so much. but he has a really violent temper. How can you believe your father loves you when he throws an activated soldering iron at you? How can you belive you will be ok when your first memory is of your father beating you because you would'nt walk properly. this was before they were told by the medical profession that there was actually something wrong with the way I walked. In hindsight, my ma tells me that she took me to the doctor so many times, to tell how i wasn't walking properly, and they made out like she was a mega neurotic mother, and there was nothing wrong with me. Definately think my condition is a result of this and emotional vulnerability. But then I could be wrong. I could never be right. From their thinking, they did their best. i have been let down by all society.

[leonora]

Hi Flora,

Not every BPD has suffered from childhood abuse. Some have just been raised into a so-called invalidating environment, where their feelings were not recognised for what they were, or where the expression of feelings was punished.

As to whether you were abused, you are the only one who can find out, but abuse relates to sexual abuse, or physical abuse, or psychological aabuse.

Some parents may have abused their children without knowing it.

I am not the advocate of the devil, but I think this topic must be treated very carefully as it can be damaging for the patient.

Take your time, you will know the truth!

XXxxx

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Don't you feel invalidation is abuse because mine certainly was. I mean if complelty messes up you ability to make a reasonable life dont you think?

[undead66]

i think my mom might have hit me pretty hard when i was really young. i know she stoppped when i was pretty young. but maybe it was normal hitting. i don't remember much. her father used to hit his kids with a belt. so, yeah, i dunno. but then again, maybe this happens to lots of people and they aren't affected?

[crypto]

I very much agree that some parents abuse without knowing it, particularly in the case of an invalidating environment. I was taught that my parent's way of thinking was the only way of thinking, and that to buck against that meant that I was bad. In their thinking, they were just trying to teach me the "right" way. It's unconscious selfishness.

[LiveWire]

Fleeing Fox - I seriously doubt many people can identify with the level of abuse you endured. There is no question the things you mention are extreme. Many of us may not have even survived your life. I am truly sorry for the horrific abuse you had to endure. I cannot even begin to imagine your pain. You are an amazing person for getting through that shit and now having the ability to love. Your daughter is lucky to have you...