catspiracy Posted September 21, 2009 Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 It's like a broken record in my brain: "I'm sorry im sorry im sorry...." on and on. I feel a ton of anxiety, I feel like someone is looking over my back and criticizing everything I am and do. And I feel so sorry to be so "full of fail". And so I try to numb it or I try to meditate my way out of it. lately I've been telling people. just blurting it out a bit. They always seem surprised. They tell me nice stuff about me. But that makes me have to isolate and cry. Because I feel like a sham. I've been drinking a bottle of white wine every night. I feel like self sabotaging again. I feel needy and babyish. but prickly and stand offish at the same time. i guess i'm just blurting again, i dont know. love, cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw2693 Posted September 21, 2009 Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 Don't be sorry for blurting, sometimes it helps just getting things out.. I know what you mean with the broken record comment, I'm exactly the same and people get really fed up with me saying it.. It's hard feeling two complete opposites at the same time but try and stay safe, send me a message if you want to talk I'm always here and understand the feelings you've mentioned.. xXx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted September 21, 2009 Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 Don't be sorry for blurting honey, you are wonderful and getting it all out is very cleansing. Love and white light to you friend xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted September 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 Thanks you guys. I love this forum. I can be myself here like no where else, not even with my dear family. This long lasting floaty dissociative feeling is wild. I feel like i'm having out of body experiences constantly. I had another bird encounter Saturday. I was draping a client's wedding dress muslin on her, in her front room, and we looked up out the picture window--and a PEACOCK strolled across the lawn. (well it was a peahen, but you get the idea.) Peacocks are the harbingers of confidence, vision, and healing. it's hard for me to get anywhere on time, to make eyecontact with anyone, or to focus on my work. but i'm not depressed. just these sudden jolts of i-want-to-die agony, for no reason. well, usually triggered by being late to everywhere i go. The anxiety i think comes from having expired vehicle registration, so i am a target for the police everytime i drive to pick up the kids, go to work, or go grocery shopping. Maybe this is from that adrenaline spiking so much. thanks for letting me babble. love, cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daisy duck Posted September 21, 2009 Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 hope it helped getting it out...sometimes that can release some of the anxiety. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw2693 Posted September 21, 2009 Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 I know what you mean, like having somehwere I can just let it all out without the fear of judgement.. Dissociative feelings aren't nice, mine seem to be getting more frequent most the time I don't really even realise what's going on with my body, I seem to live completely in my head.. apart from when I'm not in my head if that makes sense.. I have a meds review in the morning, wonder if there's anything that helps with this kinda thing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted September 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 I don't know about meds for it. I am trying to do without meds. (hence my stumbling into self medication when i'm frail). I guess the things that work best for me are the things I deny myself. And then I'm really mean and punishing to myself for failing to do what I know is best. like, i feel sluggish because i'm doing it again: not eating at all, drinking high caffeine soda, not exercising, not taking my supplements.... (All your own fault fault fault! yell the voices!) the other thing that works is to stand on my head. also to do chakra breathing and toning. But i havent been doing that either. going anywhere strikes panic into my heart, thats why i'm late getting anywhere. (all your own fault fault fault! shut up!!!!) but at least i'm still just kind of plugging along. i'm kind of floating thru my days and nights, working slowly on my sewing..... i'm very intimidated by this wedding dress project. it has to be exquisite. the bride is one classy lady with exacting tastes. peacock...confidence....trusting my own vision for this dress. i have to get high on the art again to feel right. it will come. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyonesse2710 Posted September 21, 2009 Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 dont know if this helps any but i found adding ten minutes of meditation to my day really helps me cope with the sudden anxiety spikes. might be worth a try? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw2693 Posted September 21, 2009 Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 Think I should try some meditation or something.. I know what you mean though, when you're in the kinda moods where you feel you're just going through the motions all the things you know you should be doing you just don't, it's not your fault it just comes with the mood trust me.. All I can say is be kind to yourself when you are in those moods, putting more pressure on yourself to do those things won't help, reward the little things.. It may seem silly but it's what my therapist alwaya reminds me to do and to some extent it works, okay sometimes I feel useless when all I manage to do in a day is get up and shower but at the same time try to see it as a positive - the day could have been worse, I could have stayed in bed and hidden from everyone but I didn't.. try to reward yourself as well for the little things, this might just be me waffling and if it makes no sense please feel free to ignore me.. :blink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted September 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 you're both 100% right. You're not waffling at all, Lauraw. I appreciate your reminder. That's the thing about this glitch, it demands punitive actions be done to me, yet I can't engage in battle with it and defeat it. Instead, I have to breathe through it, clear my mind with meditation, open into it! it's so hard to remember sometimes. That's why notes like yours are so valuable to me. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted September 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 oh and a huge anxiety load just came off. my hubby just fixed half of our mortgage problem. He spent his lunch hour on the phone with them, and is going to do the same tomorrow to get it cleared up. It's very hard to be mellow when possible foreclosure is looming. He is making things much better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw2693 Posted September 22, 2009 Report Share Posted September 22, 2009 I'm glad I wasn't waffling Glad to hear you have one less thing to be anxious about that's great :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted September 22, 2009 Report Share Posted September 22, 2009 im glad you have been able to let things out and i like the advice, i agree that rewarding yourself for the good things, no matter how small they feel, is a good thing. im glad that hubby is helping with sorting the mortgage out, having stuff like that looming over you is horrible. take care xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted September 23, 2009 Report Share Posted September 23, 2009 awww sweety, big hugs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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