So Much Fear

[walker]

MAY TRIGGER

i am scared

we hav a trip to make next week

and i am scared

scared of my fear

scared of how it makes me need the loo

scared of how i then HAVE to get there really quick

scared of how i have to lock the door

scared of the place we will stay

scared of the place we are going to

scared of not going and what could happen

even scared of staying at mum and dads on the way

what the hell is going on

i am even scared to take the meds that could help me - since my head is screaming DONT MAKE A FUSS YOU ARE MAKING A FUSS _ STOP IT _ YOU ARE MAKING IT BAD _ THERE IS NOTHING REALLY THE MATTER _ IT IS ALL IN YOUR MIND _ PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER

for f*cks sake

I cant even play solitaire atm cos each time i feel it failing i can see i am trapped since i cant get out

F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK I HATE THIS

perhaps it wont be bad if i think it will

ed. shit i am even scared cos i looked and almost noone was logged on and it felt like everyone else had got out got away and left me

[walker]

i guess its true

i really AM on my own in this

[Roses]

I still got your hand babe. You are not alone. xxxxx

[walker]

sadly u wont be there

and you arent here

[Roses]

If you are thinking of me and of all the things we have talked about, and about our friendship and trust. How we can laugh one minute but the next talk about really deep, troubling things then I am there because I am in your heart. Carry me with you. Carry all your friends with you. Dare to hope and you can get through this. xxxxx

[roxy222]

(((walker)))

can you talk about why you are scared? has it triggered something?

i get real scared of travelling, scared of new stuff also. and i feel very little when that happens.

can you find any safe points within the journey? is there someone nice anywhere along the line, or somehwere nice you could visit for comfort? a nice cafe for food? anything to be nice to yourself.

wish i could help sweety, understand this isnt enough

tc ((((walker))))

[piuma]

we might not be physically with you no, but we are with u here, always. xxxxxxxxxx

[walker]

never been there before so dont know

that is part of the fear

the unknown

it will prob be ok

if i expect to be really bad it will prob be ok

i just keep feeling horribly horribly trapped

have taken some diaz so feel calmer atm

will def take some with me

yes when it is bad there is an adult telling me to stop being silly and it is nothing - and there is a 'me' who is just scared and wants to run and hide and be held safe

[roxy222]

((((little walker)))))

wish i could do better

unkowen can be scarey and thats a big feeling to be stuck with on your own. but sometimes it can also turn out to be good. i think you have had too many unknowns turn out to be bad, and i hope this time you get a nice trip.

can you take nice teddy with you or another safe cudly? i have little bear if i need to take smwhere. i hope you can find some comfort to calm you.

takecare sweet one, will be thinking of youxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[walker]

cant really take son to uni with teddy in my arms

[Roses]

Remember the trip on the train though and how nervous you were - but you still did it Walker and you are going to do this to babe. Can you put a small teddy in your pocket? Or perhaps a photo of the kids in a locket and wear it as a talisman? xxxxx

[walker]

will try think of something

took diaz - helped loads with the thinking

but now had wine

and ooooo cant stop bloody rocking, teeth clenching, talking too much, thinking

darent take more diaz

pooooooooo

[complicated]

((((((((walker))))))) xxxx

[successful_workthru]

Walker you are not alone

I have crippling anxiety.

It started when i cold turkeyed off benzos in the spring.

I am worrying about everything and starting to get on people's nerves.

Daytimes are worse for me, the anxiety starts to abate about now.

I have just had my meds reviewed and am hoping they will kick in and relieve me of some of this anxiety.

I know its hard to say "It's just the anxiety speaking" because our fears feel real.

A good CPN i know said just let the thoughts come and go, dont try to block them out, but in stead, whilst doing something else, if they come, just let them rise and fall. She said that at first I will have to practice this every second, but eventually the time inbetween anxious thoughts will increase.

Good luck

[Rael]

i panic about new things too and its horrible thinking about it and it all just builds up. i hope you manage to find something that brings you comfort, for me its predictably my mp3 player. i wish i knew how to make the feelings go away. you have done this before where you were really anxious about the trip but you managed it, you can do this.

((((((hugs))))))

xxx

[Suzie87]

I wish I could help, but all I can say is I know how you're feeling. I have a 7 hour train ride tomorrow and have to change trains twice. I'm terrified. Plus the place I'm going to is somewhere I've never been before so don't know what to expect. Everything about it seems horrible, terrifying, unwelcoming... I've just sat and loaded up my mp3 player with some relaxing music, got some magazines and a book. I know if I have time to sit and do nothing I will start thinking about how horrible is it and will completely 'lose myself' as I do.

[walker]

i seem to be developing a fear of - LIFE and the WORLD

the dark, the heat, the house when its all closed up, crowds, shut doors, new places, locks,

and now i am even panicking when i get stuck in a game of sudoku or anything

i am afraid of being afraid

and my head keeps piling up with more more more scenarios where i will lose control

dear God - i hate this

i realise lots of people suffer far more than me - so i am probably making a fuss again -

but that does not help me breath, or swallow, or unlock my body that is seizing up in terror

[Rael]

i often feel the same and its something thats creeping up on me again and i know its horrible living in perpetual fear. the more fear you have the more you become afraid of being afraid which just makes it worse. i dont even have a way of fighting it so im no use. you are not making a fuss though, it really is not a nice place to be.

((((((hugs))))))

xxx