A New Therapist At Last

[granite]

i finely got to meet with a new t yesterday.she called at the worst time.anyway i met with her and it was the same issues as the last one i saw.the issues are

i feel she is juding everything i say

i dont think she believes anything i say

i feel stupid even being thare.dont feel as bad off as others and wasting her time

have a hard time talking about my past worry she will think that is stupid and wasting her time

i question everything i say to her

i want to feel better but worry i wont

she even questioned my diagnosis of bpd because i was only a teen when i was diagnosed she wanted to know how i knew that was my diagnoses when now they dont give that diagnosis to people under 18.in my head i was going WOW are you for real do you think i am lying about this.WHO WOULD?

just for the record how i know my diagnosis is because i was allowed to read my charts in one hospital i was in and i became best friends with a staff member in a group home i was in for years and she also told me my diagnoses.and the behaviors pretty much talked for themselves.

just because now i dont have the behaviors that a lot of people with BPD have does that mean i dont have the same way of seeing my world and thinking and percieveng how thing go on in my world.it is just fucked up and think i will never feel better inside.sorry if this is going to offend anyone but what i am going to say next is just how i feel

what a bpd way of thinking i feel like what do i need to do to get someone to believe things just aint right with me.so maybe i do need to be cutting myself open,insist on seeing things black and white ,manipulate,split,threaten to commit suiside,hurt other people mentally and psycally,sabitage my life or any of the other acting out behaviors that bpd are known to show.maby then someone will believe me.please dont think bad of me for saying this i have done all these things and more and completely understand why these behaviors exsist

years ago i stopped any of these acting out behaviors that were dangerous and hurtfull to me and others.i learned to controle myself.HOW DID I DO SUCH A HARD THING? and believe me i know it is hard.EASY.ignored everything pushed all bad negative feelings down so hard and deep they dont exsist.you dont talk about them you dont let anyone know they exsist.THE GREAT PRETEND.get a college education a job a great husband and you have the great life you wanted you want for nothing onlyproblem is for 19 years i have had no behavior problems that have been as extream.i do have the occational tempertantrum but nothing like the past.but i am a big lie.my husband knew nothing of my past exsept for the scars on my body i tell him it was a rough adolesent time.no questions asked.i still feel the same but no outlet.i hate people but i smile say hello how are you at the same time thinking they hate me or they are idiots.the world is out to get me .im out of controle in my head.i dont think right.at least i hope i dont because if things are the way i see them we all are in big trouble.

anyway i could go on forever enough

thanks for reading