SickAna Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 I Had an eating disorder, anorexia, from around the ages 15 -20. I was so terrified of eating as I knew the symptoms of my other mental illness (Bordeline Personality Disorder) where terrifying and starving myself seemed the only way of supressing it. When I finaly recovered 4 years ago I was in a hospital (psyche- ward) within a montha and since then have been back many times. I actually have had more hospitalisations than I ever did with Anorexia! But I did give recovery everything I had and stayed at a healthy weight for the next four years. Over the last year I have had a few serious overdoses, two of wich where serious atempts. I don;t believe that I am getting any better and the pain is just too much fore me,. So I have made a conscious decision to re-involve myself with that diseas that for four years kept me safe (from myself), protrcted (from my fear) and I wont go as far t say happy, but at least... numb. Honestly, my life was better when I was anorexix. For arpound 6 moths lately I have been eating virtually nothing. I drink quite a lot og coffee with milk and suger and have 2-4 glasses of wine at night. Plus a piece of frit or cuppa soup when I feel myself about to faint. In that time I have lost around 5 kilos... What the??? ,,,,,,,, Any udea why I;m finding it so hard? Or better yet what to do to speed up my weight loss? Look I know this is sick, I do. Guess I need something, anything. Life is hell and the only power over my own mind I agve is to chose whcih type of sufferin gto go though at the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
x-Bliss-x Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 This is not a pro-anorexic website. People on here will not give you tips on how to lose weight and make yourself ill. I'm sorry you are stuggling with this but I'm actually quite upset that you haven't placed a trigger warning on this post. Anyone reading as I have just done, reads of your stuggle only to find at the end, you are not asking for help to stop this behaviour but to enhance it. This can be very upsetting for people to read without warning. x-Bliss-x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Ana, I'm sorry you don't feel that things are getting any better for you - but think what you have achieved over those four years? You managed to take control back! You have been in control for 4 years! That's amazing - doing all the right things to stay healthy, it's not an easy job - noone said it was, Everyone has problems staying healthy, whether it be overweight people like me that struggle to keep control of our diet, anorexics with image issues that cause them to behave in an unhealthy manner, people that try to look like top models with size 0 waists, top models themselves or even average sized people that work hard to stay at a healthy weight, guys that workout at the gym with an idea of how they 'should' look, athletes - everyone, but you have managed it for 4 years! You should feel proud of yourself. I personally congratulate you for that. Running away from whatever issues you are facing by numbing it won't solve the problems, they will still be there, waiting. Perhaps instead of deciding to numb them you might be ready to get some kind of therapy to help you resolve them? A way for you to be happy with who you are, be validated and accepted. I do feel a trigger warning might have come in useful - many anorexics on this forum struggling themselves with the same issues as you, those that are trying to recover and those that are still ill may now be trying to think of ways of losing weight fast, not a healthy thought process when your ill or recovering as it can trigger back to that type of thought process that worsens their own issues or sets back their own recovery. This site as Bliss said is for positive support aimed towards recovery, not encouragement for negative behaviour patterns, in particular those that have such a huge negative impact on your health. The risks of anorexia are multiple and I am sure you know the end result, failing recovery or professional help leads to death - the only difference between suicide attempts and this decision to lose weight fast (when anorexic) is the speed in which death occurs. The same feelings and thoughts trigger both methods and the end result is the same. I can see you are crying out for help, needing someone to rescue you, but only you can do that, you can get support along the way, moral and emotional support, and professional support as in therapy etc...but you are the only one that can ask for that help, tell others what you need, and put in the work yourself. We are all here for you in the bad times and the good, to support you in positive ways and encourage and advise ways to get help, work towards recovery and offer compassion and sympathy for the tough stuff you have to go through. Please, please re-think your decision. Numbing everything out or killing yourself is not the only way, there are other options to move forwards in your life, to make a happier more content life in the future. Yes it is hard, might even get harder along the way, but I believe you can do it, you just need to believe in it yourself too. Have you got a therapist? If not can you contact your gp, cpn, social worker or psychiatrist to ask them to refer you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted October 2, 2009 Report Share Posted October 2, 2009 better question? How do I deal with feeling out of control, when weight/food provided me control before. There are lots of way to lose weight fast, but it all comes backs to sitting with it the anxiety/fear. So, slow down from thin and think what is that I want in order? Looks and weight can and will be part of it. Sah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gavin Posted October 2, 2009 Report Share Posted October 2, 2009 When you had your eating disorder did people fuss over you???? And now no one is fussing over you????? You have become Anonymous abstraction in the world for a fixed time in the day, Motivation is fundamental to healing, not bullshitting one ;s self, Can i help you?????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 2, 2009 Report Share Posted October 2, 2009 I think what Ana is trying to say is that she would rather be anorexic than borderline. The anorexia not only controls her diet but it controls her emotions and so when she was asking for help to lose weight she was in fact asking for help to control her emotions. Yes a trigger would have been appropriate but can no-one else see beyond her question and give her the answer she actually needs???? Medication, therapy, talking on here, talking in live chat - it will all help you to learn how to control those scary BPD emotional rollercoasters. Keep the faith babe, you can get through it. We are here to help. xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gavin Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 as usual roses you see while others are blind, me included, i tip my hat to you girley; gavin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth24 Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 Wow, this was a shock to read. Trigger warning required next time hunny? I am anorexic and i have BPD. I am getting help and i want to be cured of both. You did amazingly well to fight the anorexia battle before and I beg you not to go there again. I suggest therapy, go to your GP. In the meantime, please take some kind of vitamin suppliment or those milkshakes that are full of vitamins. They won't help you lose weight but they might help your starving body to cope a bit better. Please stay well xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SickAna Posted October 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 4, 2009 This is not a pro-anorexic website. People on here will not give you tips on how to lose weight and make yourself ill. I'm sorry you are stuggling with this but I'm actually quite upset that you haven't placed a trigger warning on this post. Anyone reading as I have just done, reads of your stuggle only to find at the end, you are not asking for help to stop this behaviour but to enhance it. This can be very upsetting for people to read without warning. x-Bliss-x Yes you are right. My sincere apologies, especially for upsetting you x-Bliss-x. Crazy as this sounds, I guess i did not really see it as 'pro-anorexic'... although of course it is, 100 percent! This is a difficult situation because I don't always realise that the problem is in my head. ie: it seems like my problem is my weight, not my thinking about it. It feels like my biggest problem is my inability to lose weight, you have no idea how much this torments me. Sometimes one can find they cannot see the forest for the trees. but I certainly should have thought things through more carefully before blurting out that message, and about how other readers would react. Yet maybe it was a good thing that i didn't post that on a pro-anorexic website. Again I am sorry if this messed with anyone's head but maybe the responses i get on this site would be more balanced than on a pro-anorexic website, and even though my thinking would probably be more in line with others on such a site, it was good to get your message, despite it's bluntness, as it was a bit of a reality check too realise that what I am trying to do, is not actually healthy. Is there a way to come back to an old post and add a trigger warning? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SickAna Posted October 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 4, 2009 I think what Ana is trying to say is that she would rather be anorexic than borderline. The anorexia not only controls her diet but it controls her emotions and so when she was asking for help to lose weight she was in fact asking for help to control her emotions. Yes a trigger would have been appropriate but can no-one else see beyond her question and give her the answer she actually needs???? Medication, therapy, talking on here, talking in live chat - it will all help you to learn how to control those scary BPD emotional rollercoasters. Keep the faith babe, you can get through it. We are here to help. xxxxx '...rather be anorexic than borderline' - YES! That's it in a nutshell, mate. But it's actually a bit more dire than that. The symptoms of BPD, or the way I experience them at least, are truly unbareable. I am in therapy, I have done A LOT of therapy! CBT, DBT- groups and one-on-one, now entering 3rd year of Self-Psychology. I really like and click with my therapist who thinks we are getting somewhere -ie, we are slowly, very slowly, and cautiously begining to go near some of the painful stuff in my past that I have tring to run away from for the past decade. But I'm certainly not feeling any better, and I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel. And when I say the situation is dire, I mean that I have been pushed beyond my limits - I really am scared that after one of these O.D's, I'm just not going to be able to bring myself to call an ambulance. The truth is, although I am not at all happy with my weight, the short term benefits of starving myself has resulted in far fewer episodes, panic attacks and self-harms. Actually I shouldn't complain about not losing weight as the longer it takes me to become dangerously skinny, the longer I can keep doing this for. I don't want to be sick, of course not but I actually NEED the type of relief that I know from experience starvation can offer. This is going to sound twisted, but I want to be anorexic in order to save my life. I know that in the long run it certainly has the potential to do the opposite, but maybe it will buy me some time...? Does this sound nuts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 4, 2009 Report Share Posted October 4, 2009 Well it's not a healthy way of thinking but I do exactly the same. Starving myself offers me relieft from the other symptoms, an inner satisfaction that nothing else can fill really. I am not underweight now but I have been and I struggle daily with my eating. I completely understand which is why I said what I did earlier on the thread. But I think we do have to accept help for this at some point as it is replacing one more harmful problem with another potentially lethal problem. But it does control things. It's difficult, and I don't know the way forward sorry. I have not been offered any long-term therapy for anything. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted October 4, 2009 Report Share Posted October 4, 2009 I know you say it will buy you some more time, but can you think back to how hard it was to recover (and I don't believe anybody is ever 'fully' recovered in the sense that there will still always be the thought patterns or cravings to return to that way and will always be a fight *thought perhaps easier with time?* to stay on the healthy path) I say this as I relate it to my own addictions to over eat and also past addictions to drugs. Even years later, yes much easier to deal with but I still get the thoughts, cravings etc...and have to fight them. Do you think you can go through that again? Yes I'd love to get high off drugs again, but I know I can't go through getting off them again - it was so hard! So although I can understand wanting to make things easier by following our old behaviour patterns that helped us numb it all out, I think I'm struggling on the issue of whether you would then feel strong enough to quit that pattern a second time, go through all that again, have to start all over again - and again have to deal with all those returning feelings again. Does that make sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted October 4, 2009 Report Share Posted October 4, 2009 Hi sick, it won't produce the opposite, due to if you don't eat, regardless how in the past you felt, is your body to function and produce hormons is you need to eat, if you don't eat, your mood swings, your thinking will become negative, and the rest of body will change. What your thinking is infact will heighten your BPD more than your eating disorder. When your using your body and food has a major inpact of your mental status aswell as health, you would be guiding yourself in a false road, sry to say. Bpd issues cover alot of things and means dealing with each one of them, so you which you did get control of your eating disorder is a start, now you need to start on the next issue, which the first one will combine with that, and it will the more effort you give it and each issue is start to resolve the whole thing. No not all is going to go away, but its about managing, and i will say, it can be done, and its not all doom and gloom. You work with one and then it links with another, it then builds up a structure and it all effects each one and you be surprised one will help another. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FakePlasticGirl Posted October 8, 2009 Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 im recovering from an eating disorder and so is a close friend, im telling you its not worth it i have BorderlinePD too and being numb and stick thin did not help me one bit it makes u more alone and empty then being healthy (or 'fat' as girls like us would think) yes its been difficult and in the beggining i only binged and hated the mirror constantly but now im healthy and active (i still dont eat crisps etc...) everyone thinks i look better i know what u are thinking 'oh she can get better but i wont' or even 'i dont want to be 'healthy'' but at the end of the day it is your choice, discussing problems or working through them is better than starving youself thin what motivate me to get better is that to get into a university i need to do good in school this year, if not i can never get away from here and just forget things. your weight is not the problem, it never is. whats your motivation? find it we all have SOMETHING, even i thought i didn't thin is never happy-healthy is better than thin experience x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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