Feels Like Im More Down Then Up

[miss indecisive]

me and my bf have been together for about ten weeks (not long i know) hes been in hospital a lot with kidney problems and stuff his mum died two weeks ago he didnt tell me i was texting and calling and i got nothing back then i sent him a text saying "at least let me know ur alive" i was worried what with being so ill and everything but i felt so guilty when he text back and told me that he was but his mum wasn t she had been in hospital for about two weeks and had had a heartattack ever since then i felt down and guilty constantly i guess his mum dying and me trying to think of things to say to make him feel better made me think about my mum being dead i never really dealt with it at the time just pushed it to the back of my mind and carried on but now i cant help but think of it i dont see it as dealibg with it i just see it as thinking about it i feel down and depressed all the time i dont wanna be here no more and the thought of living the rest of my life like this makes me feel more down i wanna talk to my bf about it but he has enough going on

but there is something else bothering me everytime he says he is gonna come over he winds up in hospital has been like that since we met and i feel really guilty for feeling it but the voices in my head keep telling me hes making it up sick i know but i cant help it i wish i could i wonder if he really is in hospital or if hes seeing someone else or myb he just dont wanna see me he knows about my bpd and seems to b pretty clued up about it but ive never told him how bpd affects me and how some of the things he does make me feel worse i wish i could but now isnt the right time he needs me to b strong for him not him strong for me i dont know what to do about the thoughts or the way i feel HELP please.

sorry for the ramble had to get that out i have taken up writing my thoughts on my laptop and saving them but i just kinda needed some advice oon this one

thanks

Emma