Roses Posted October 7, 2009 Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 So today was much like yesterday. Panic on the school runs but whilst I was home all day I managed to keep going. The shadows were moving yesterday but today was a sunny day and they rested, I am thankful. I worked my ass off again at home and felt a sense of accomplishment. Tonight was full on with the kids and their demands. Homework, dinner, baths and the such. I was busy but coping. But I noticed I was getting increasingly blunt with them and after they went to bed and all the work was done I broke a string. It's the only way I know of how to describe this feeling. I'm like the smiley, happy Mum who has a hint of the psychotic in her "yes dear" or "never mind" and I hate it. I sat here staring at the wall and contemplating cutting my arms up but hubbie came home and now I am here whilst he is down there as I told him how I felt and that I needed time to 'work it out'. God I hate this. I wish I could just rip my heart out and fix it. I feel like I am on the cliff and it I make a wrong move I am a gonner. Am I a gonner anyway? Usually when I feel like this the voices come. Alread I can feel the forces stirring there is a hight pitched buzzing that normally precipitates them. I have blankets round the bottom of the bed and I am worried and deeply distrubed. I can be my usual chatty self but one wrong word and I'm off. I'm so sorry, I just wanted to blurt it all out before I change my mind. I'ma gonna hit send now and let the chips fall where they may. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted October 7, 2009 Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 Hi It must be so hard this endless struggle!!! I read your post carefully and this is what I thought,it seems as though as long you HAVE to function you can sort of manage,then when you have quiet time you fall to pieces,it all comes out,that must exhausting!!But it does mean maybe that keeping busy is something that helps you.Of course you cant just keep running around endlessly but I was wondering maybe after your kids go to bed or you have free time you can find things to do that you like and relax and distract you.Instead of staring at the wall thats almost an invite for everything to bubble up and make you miserable. I also wonder you seem really busy in your daily life!!!Thats enough to stress anyone out,maybe you can find more time to relax??A better balance somehow,also with such busy days its even more important I think to when the kids are in bed find ways to relax and recharge that battery.Some people really benefit from doing yoga but whatever you do it has to be something that suits you. Just some thoughts here that maybe you can consider......... Lilly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 7, 2009 Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 candle burning brightly for you still love you hun Kath xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 Thank you Lilly for such a thoughtful reply. I guess it's like the buses, some days I am totally hectic and others I have not so much to do and it all falls apart. You are spot on, as long as I am busy I can manage but it overloads me. It's hard cos hubbie is gone all day and I have been attending a day centre regularly for mh (referral from gp) but they have cancelled my beloved art group which I rotated my world around and now I am helping out at the school for just a couple of hours again (twice a week), which is fine and I can cancel if I am not well, but I find I am sort of 'lost' again. I know it is silly for a 33 year old wife and mother of 2 to sound so pitiful considering all the positive change I've made this year but I just feel so lost. I am struggling to get the meds right. I've increased my night time ones to be what they should be but I am failing to take my morning ones as they numbe me out too much and send me to the blissful land of faeries all day and that is no way to be when I have kids to manage and school runs and the such. I'm so sorry I keep bleeting on. I just need a damn good kick up the arse I think. Forgive me. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 7, 2009 Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 7, 2009 Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 Hi Roses The one way i can relate to this is when my feelings start to build up, and I get towards that meltdown place I talked about before, its like the feeling of trying to walk up the side of a mountain and the scree is falling away underneath you ... I dunno mabbe thats what you are describing, or not ... I know youve prolly had all the advice in the world, and theres not much else I could really add, just wanted to say hugs and stuff, I think its amazing how you hold it all together when this is in the background. You dint need a kick up the arse and you arent silly or bad for feeling this, youre a heroine for coping with what most people could barely dream of. Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 Thank you Ross and Walker. Ross, you really are far too kind, I am just a girl in need of love like the next girl. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gavin Posted October 8, 2009 Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 Rose rose rose rose rose rosy beautiful rosy Fortifications for honesty is the wisdom of the exemplar mother Who has family first, against the tyranny of one’s own mind, We will always be shot firing sometimes, and fly rock will be Everywhere, but one can profit from these experiences, Because these dregs are not a part of life, just from your Narration one can see you are in control, even though The iron touch the mind, the mind has such a feigned of enormity to it, that in some parts of the day it begins hunting you, and our labours become stressful and begin to corrupt the mind, with your paintings you must keep them up, try somewhere else, they give you an outlet, gavin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 ((((((((((((((((((((((((Gavin)))))))))))))))))))))))) thank you xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted October 8, 2009 Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 Reading your reply I thought of two things; One doing art obviously means a whole lot to you, can you do an artcourse or something like that somewhere else??? I think we should always embrace the things we love, it makes us happier, healthier people!! Two those meds in the morning, could you take them but in a lower dose???Is that an idea? I do not think you need a kick up the butt I think youve been and are working very hard to manage and get better and boy do I know its a long road and not always easy!! It sounds though like you have made a lot of progress already and I hope you will continue to find for yourself the little and bigger things that work for you. Lilly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 Thank you Lilly, you always make sense and I appreciate that. Thank you. Yes, the 50 in the morning was the lower dose but I could try 25 I guess, and yes I could join a mainstream art group. I guess I just got used to being able to express myself freely and with support. In a mainstream group I would have to make sure I had my 'public' face on and obviously the group wouldn't be run by mental health so I'd have to make sure I was OK getting there and back, so finding a group during the day would be a must. And one that I could get to and back within school times. But I am sure these things to exist.... hmmm.... thanks, I have food for thought now. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted October 8, 2009 Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 (((Roses))) you are so brave and kind, you perseverance is amazing. I'm so glad you are seeking an outlet in your artwork. It's YOU time. You don't have to repress what is bubbling out of you, you can paint it. For a while, I belonged to a small art association which had you sit the gallery and process sales etc for 8 hours each time you exhibited something. This gave me a limited, mellow way to interact with other artists and get comfortable with officially calling myself by that title, "Artist". Perhaps you could find a similar situation. Our association also had various clubs, classes, seminars, movie nights, etc for people who wanted even more socializing/networking. How much outdoors time are you getting, just soaking up the sky, a tree, some grass, the birds? I find that if I deprive myself of these, i start to spiral downwards. Also sitting on my head helps me reset once things start to go dark. All my love and light going out to you, cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dryad Posted October 9, 2009 Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 Hey Roses, Taking part in something you find enjoyable is definitely worth doing. Even if you don't feel like you can join an art class just yet there is plenty you can do at home to develop your painting. If the kids and hubbie are out in the day this would give you sometime to be alone and express yourself however you want to without having to put your "game face" on or holding back for fear of how people will interpret you. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 Thanks cat and Dryad. Cat -you make me smile whenever I think of you standing on your head to re-set yourself. I'm glad it works for you. It is true I have done less walking lately and more training with hubbie. The council run play schemes and they came to the field opposite our house last night so me and kids p;ayed with them for a coupla hours with all the kids off the estate (who I know through the teaching at school I do and round and about). It was really nice. I was the only other adult there, bar one, and the only one who was mucking in and running around with the kids and that (apart from the 2 staff who were helping kids to paint old boxes and make stuff) so I really enjoyed that and we are going again next Thursday. We have looked at the meds and I'm going to take something in the morning and during the day now and I have my S.A.D. lamp back on as we speak. Thanks everyone so much for the support. xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyonesse2710 Posted October 9, 2009 Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 Know what you mean about the needing to keep busy thing... personally speaking, keeping busy helps me avoid looking things in the face, helps me keep my feet under me, gotta love momentum eh. only problem is, when the momentum stops, its like an abyss opening up under me, sounds like thats kinda like what happens with you. dont beat yourself up for it, it sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job of keeping it all going! do you have a garden? i find getting my hands in the earth helps me when i get in that kind of state. cant really offer much in the way of advice right now cuz my head is not in a good place, but i can send lots of hugs and plenty of love. hang in there hon, things will get better. doesnt sound like you need a kick up the arse at all, you need a hug when things get really tough, and someone to tell you that you can do it and to remember how strong you are - and thats not the same thing as a kick up the arse, not remotely! xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted October 9, 2009 Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 That play time sounds like it was fun! congrats, Roses! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 10, 2009 Thank you Lyonesse and Cat. Yeah, I love gardening and a lot of people here know that I tend to garden barefoot as I love the earth/grass/mud on my feet and between my toes. Hubbie has to vappy me up to the bath to wash them sometimes - I'm a bit of a mother eart type I guess. Rolling down grass hills is an under-rated sport and should be made a pro sport! Thank you so much xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianbumble Posted October 10, 2009 Report Share Posted October 10, 2009 hi Roses just want to say I relate to broken string. I keep very busy and i semi cope with the situation but as soon as it's over I go into pieces, can't talk , move. I hope you are feeling a bit better today. xxxBumble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 10, 2009 Thanks Bumble, old friend. I am a little brighter today. Just see how it goes towards evenign as that's when I'm worst. My parents are up this weekend, joy :wacko: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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