toaster Posted October 16, 2009 Report Share Posted October 16, 2009 Accepting my lack of responsibility makes me more responsible Therapy hasn't ruined me or hurt me - all those things were there already, else I wouldn't have become aware of them 'I'm not a nice person' isn't a nice thing to say, think, beleive - if I stop saying it I'll become a nicer person and maybe believe it one day I don't have to act upon thoughts and feelings If one thing hurts just as much as the other, I may as well go with the one that may benefit me ie it's just as hard staying silent as it is talking If I am doing something for my benefit only ie helping someone, that's ok because, ultimately, everyone benefits - and really, I'm not even doing it for my benefit because I put myself down afterwards ie 'I'm a selfish bitch'. No point in that really I get embarrassed by emotions such as love or sadness but I don't get embarrassed by anger and hate etc, so why should I be embarrassed by the others, and maybe I could take a little bit of that embarrassment and give it to the negative...might help me to think before I act Guilt is only pointless if it doesn't prevent things now, if I don't take something from it. If I feel guilty about not eating, for example, and that MAKES me eat, then it is ok. Doesn't matter WHY I'm eating, as long as I am. I have to start somewhere. More to the point, I WANT to. Fucking sick of this shitty, miserable existence. No-one else is volunteering to come and fix it for me and I not killing myself, much as I'd like to. If that's the only reason I start to try and 'live' then so be it. I'm all 'I haven't got BPD' now, though but is that me BEING bpd?! That's not something I'm expecting or really wanting an answer to, just more of a wondering. I mean, I'm finding all this 'middle ground' that's never been there before, letting go of things I didn't know where there. I still feel that pain I can't place, that has no reason, that empty weight inside. I still am struggling with thinking in extremes - I see the 'either - or' but can't see the 'maybe'. But then everything is a 'maybe'. I have made so many bad bad choices I feel unable to trust myself. But then, right there, everything I just typed, am I trusting all that? Aarrgghh. But this is a good post, really. Fact I want it to be good is a good thing lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted October 16, 2009 Report Share Posted October 16, 2009 good for you. im sure you can do it. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted October 16, 2009 Report Share Posted October 16, 2009 Middle ground = wise mind in DBT. Middle ground means your can find your way out of black & white, it says it all, you are capable. EVERYONE! behaves, at some point badly in life, in fact it is a part of living. Your acting up is actually living in the moment. When you pair that with awareness you are living like a real person, "so to speak". Keep living, find a foot hold to love life/self more, its amazing the wonders it produces. sah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted October 16, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2009 thanx im all scared again now lol i dont like change and i dont wanna grow up, know i have the choice etc but still..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted October 16, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2009 And, as well, if I can't be 'proud' of me I may as well be at least indifferent rather than slaggin meself of all the time. My immediate reaction to that is to call meself stupid but thats totally contradicting what i'm saying then i think i'd be stupid if i didnt listen to it, take it on board, but then i think im a big headed w/e THEN i think 'so fucking what if im 'bigheaded'?!' im a little bit overwhelmed (k thats a lie im crying an everything lol) i wanna leave group and all the rest - doesnt mean i will - but i wanna sucks to be me <_< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted October 16, 2009 Report Share Posted October 16, 2009 It's good you know that therapy hasnt hurt you. 'I'm not a nice person' isn't a nice thing to say, true. I am glad you are opening up. I am glad you realise that there is no point in calling yourself a selfish bitch. Its just destructive. Maybe because you experienced so much anger and hate from others you are not embarrassd by it, and maybe because you did not receiv ethe love you deserved, you are not used to it. Allow yourself to be loved and love yourself because you deserve it. It's also good to hear that you feel ok about eating, everyone needs to eat. Starting to live is better than killing yourself of course. Everyone makes bad choices, and the post you typed makes perfect sense to me. Keep with the good xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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