Painting Him Black

[suzanne]

I feel myself starting to go crazy with my boyfriend. We have been together only a few weeks. He mentioned literally within the first couple hours of us ever hanging out that he has a girl friend that "he wants to marry someday." I met her once and it wasn't a big deal. Then I asked him if he was still in love with her and he said "no, not really." I freaked out because of that word choice and he said he really never thinks of her anymore, he's into me, he's not going to leave me I would have to leave him, he's falling hard, etc etc. but I just could NOT hear anything but "not really." In my head, he's totally in love with her and only with me because she wouldn't reciprocate. We talk for hours a day and hang out all the time and he's always affectionate and attentive and never makes me jealous in person. But in my head... in my head I'm going crazy. I would only say this on here cause I know that fellow borderlines understand but I seriously have fantasies about killing this girl... I am so calm and rational on the outside and I don't even kill bugs but inside my head there is a fire starting to build... I can feel myself starting to paint him black... I have revenge fantasies and want to plan to hook up with other men. I think she's not even cute too, and for some reason that makes it worse, cause I think he finds her more attractive than me. I really like this guy and don't want to ruin it. I don't know if I have a right to be so jealous or if this is just classic borderline freak out. Someone help, on another website they said maybe he was PURPOSELY trying to make me jealous and is an emotional abuser and I don't have any other clues that he is that way but I don't even know what's real