Aneurysm Posted October 23, 2009 Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 Taken from todays diary entry, written on the tube: "What did they cut out of me??" "Who is 'they'? When? Where did they take it from??" "Can I have it back?" "How about if I ask really fucking nicely?" "Why is there no scar from it?" "By the way, what was it?" This post will basically be two parts. The first is regarding emptiness, the second a fucked up walk home, that I need to write about or my brain will melt. So, there is minimal stress in my life at the moment. My mood isn't majorly swinging either way, no random depression, euphoria, dysphoria, or anxiety. No real issues. Found a new flat, quite happy with it. Academically, my college work is fine, I'm doing alright. Creatively, am writing and drawing, my work is hardly good, but it's good enough that I can't really get angry at myself over it's shitness. Socially, I'm happy with the group of friends I have right now, no outstanding issues or drama with any of them. All getting along fine. Enjoying the company of others. Eating ok. Sleeping ok. Taking my pills. My anger is under control, possibly because nothing is sparking it off right now. Identity issues are on the backburner, not bothering me a whole lot. Not self harming, drinking, or taking drugs to excess. No major paranoia or psychosis. These are big problems. You see, my mind spins constantly. Everything distracts me from everything else. Intrusive thoughts pile on top of each other, emotions and urges all fly angrily at each other, and my brain is more or less constantly like a nest full of hornets being kicked around. But with no external issues right now...I'm left with the black hole. I'm always half-empty, if not more. But I rarely focus on it, because the constant positive/negative stimuli keeps me away from it. But with nothing to panic over, it's just there, or rather, not there. I have a piece missing. Which confuses me, because you can't have a space without something being taken. What have I lost that other people have? I have a black hole. I can feel it as I'm typing, sitting somewehere behind my stomach, not doing much, just being empty. On the tube I was writing this in my diary, and as I got off I more or less begged my brain for my normal borderline crap to come flooding back, to distract me, to fill me full of shit and disease, as long as I was full of something. And it listened, straight away (thanks, I guess). So here is the journey home. Get off the tube, walk down the platform. So empty, so bored...what the fuck was that? Someone just touched me! Spins around, the only guy it could have been was too far away. I'll give him a dirty look anyway. *Gives dirty look* Walk down the steps, obsessing over what that could have been, totally distracted and smack into some woman and her pushchair. Could apologise...nope, just give her a dirty look as well. Go to barriers, press my oyster card on the reader. Doesn't work. Try again. Doesn't work. Shout "For FUCKS sake" really loudly. People glare, it annoys me. Try another ticket barrier which does let me through. Storm through the subway on the other side, angrily obsessing over the events just mentioned. Notice I'm angry, which dissipates it a bit. Then get angry with myself for being angry. Go into percy ingles, I'm distracted, but still feeling empty, so wolf down two doughnuts and an eclair. I'm not a comfort eater, but I wanted to be more full. Doesn't work, either a wrong tactic or I just didn't eat enough. Walk down the street, past primark, see someone and dislike them instantly, think about them for a few minutes, while trying to think about everything else at the same time. get off the street and into the park. See a magpie -one for sorrow- salute the magpie, feeling like a twat, and not as convinced in that remedy as I am with the rest of the magpie superstitions. Walk along, looking at the pavement, look up, see either the same magpie or a different one, flying around. Start worrying more (is that 2x sorrow? What the fuck will happen?) Realise someone is walking behind me as I move into the alleyway reconnecting the park with the street. Oh, I'm going to be attacked. Yeah that is sorrowful. Look up again. 3x magpie. Look around, yup, looks like a psychopath. (Not that I can talk) decide I'll attack him first if he gets any closer. Look around nervously. Magpie four. He's closer...clenches fists...but I'm on the street again now, and he would be a moron to attack me. Another two people in front...ambush? Don't really give a shit anymore. Fifth magpie now. 5 for a boy, right? What does that mean? A boy is going to attack me? Some ex-boyfriend has resurfaced to fuck up my life? I got someone pregnant and they're having a boy? Or does it just mean loads of sorrow? Really want to aknowledge the magpie so it doesn't curse me or however they operate, but can't with three people around (and I'm keeping an eye on them), want to scream with anger or frustration, fuck knows, and tell myself that I am thinking, if not quite acting, like a TOTAL. FUCKING. NUTCASE. Am finally at grandparents, where I'm staying tonight. Grandad greets me with 'hello stranger' and doesn't that get me thinking. Go outside and light up what is probably the fourth cigarette in 10 minutes, spent five minutes complaining to a ladybird, someone rings, and I rant down the phone at how fucking weird the world is. Go upstairs and collapse on my bed, grab a pillow, and laugh hysterically into it which gradually changes to a scream, and then a coughing fit. Roll over, and the ceiling is pulsating. Blurring in and out of focus. Snap. And here I am, about 15 minutes later. You see, I asked nicely for a extra helping of BPD and pretty much got slapped with every symptom in the past hour. And guess what? It didn't take the emptiness away. Now I've noticed it properly for the first time in a while, I think it would quite like to stick around. I'm shaky, and I'm empty. And I'm crazy. Shit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 23, 2009 Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 wow.... what a day... not incoherent btw, bloody well written... did it help any writing it down and posting? i hope so, cos it all together seems a lil overwhelming to me hun... but then, as you kno, ima not BPD so i have no idea what you go through on a day to day basis... but i thought such a well written account (which i will re-read again when ima not so tired cos i am interested) deserved a reply - even a crap one such as mine ! ((((((((((((((((((((anzie))))))))))))))))))) xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aneurysm Posted October 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 thanks, relieved that someone replied. Was getting more and more wound up that no-one did (groans) it helped yeah, feeling a bit better. But yeah, that account is pretty much what life is like a lot of the time; for me anyways. Very overwhelming. buuuut it's not like I'm not totally unused to it. EDIT: Have to edit to say it's not like that all the time, sometimes it's calm, sometimes chaotic. My mind is telling me off for overreacting so I won't get any peace unless I edit. *sighs in self-pitying way* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 23, 2009 Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 sorry reply was so crap - i been trying to reply since you posted it, but didnt know how to and just posting a hug didnt seem the right thing to do... i am glad you are feeling a little better... boy do you go through stuff if that is a typical day for you... xxxx ed: lol at yuor edit :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianbumble Posted October 23, 2009 Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 Hi, Can relate to the black hole how the f did it get there and how does it sustain itself? I guess I don't have anger issues so much but how your mind is racing and flipping I feel his somewhat ( Oh got stupid Canadian accent and speech pattern going on. No offense to Canadians out there) ( but it sounds bad when you change you brit accent to another why do I do that ? ---acceptance. actually good to read our piece. But Bird especialy magpies. I have to salute or who knows what might happen. Have ranted in town especially at folks trying to sell me religion they all moved away pretty fast which was good. Mainly my computer gets it in the neck. Sometimes not being in one extreme is very uncomfortable, it's not something I am familiar with and I am easily bored. I am my own worst enemy as I seek out ways to fill up the hole mainly alch. Birds again are following me bloody everywhere, but then had 2 hours sleep last night so I guess and hilarity takes ove followed by the urge to cut the urge to destroy, I have to go to someones B day soonish. I don't think I can take it but tere you go , oh cripes I think it's amazing you can go on the tube. I want to dive under cover everytime I have to leave this house. i hope this finds you a little calmer, I don't think people really realise that even a Normal day for someone with BPD is damn near unbearable. Due to brain deadness this probably comes across all wrong but was mant to be message of support for you. Hope it reads that way . Bxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aneurysm Posted October 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 Thanks, it is supportive =] And alcohol is my normal way of filling the gap too But fuuck, am I doomed to be either chaotic or empty or a bit of both forever? Not liking that idea. Ninja_Chips it's fairly typical yeah, I have much better days and much worse ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted October 23, 2009 Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 Hi Wanted to send you some (((((hugz)))) and to let you know that i relate with you. My emotions jump around like a jumping jack, anger, sadness, emptiness, anxiety etc and they swirl in my mind. Then i can go blank and there is nothing, feel dead inside and sometimes dont even feel i am real then bang!, comes back and smacks me in the face. You write so well, hope it helps x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wobbles Posted October 23, 2009 Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 Oh God, i've just read on the screen what happens in my own head so often whenever i leave the frickin house. I could write a lengthy post, but my guts are poorly today and my son wants a cuddle, so i won't. Just want to say, i'm right there with ya! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Missmadmaddy Posted October 24, 2009 Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 I can feel the desperation, anger, madness, and all the other feelings that come though in that piece. I loved how well it was written. It does feel like some days we go out of our minds and the world is a really strange place, like we are looking at it for the first time, That people are conspirering against us. I can empathise with what you were feeling. I hope you are feeling a bit better now. I dont really know how to put what i want to say in words but that was the best i could do. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aneurysm Posted October 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 it's great that a lot of people can relate to it, obviously not great that you all do get like that, wouldn't wish BPD on anyone, but it's always nice feeling less alone. Am feeling a bit better today, still shitloads of thoughts but they've slowed down a bit, and kind of shaky, but theres worse things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 24, 2009 Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 glad you feeling better and you sound quite positive too... (((((((((((((((((anzie)))))))))))))))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aneurysm Posted October 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 I'm always desperately hanging on to my positive streak blame DBT :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
x-Bliss-x Posted October 25, 2009 Report Share Posted October 25, 2009 Sorry you had such a horrible day Anzie. The emptyness can be unbareable sometimes but then if that's the alternative I guess emptyness may have to just do. I'm glad you were able to write this post though because it is good to get the feelings out. Helps sort your head out a little. Keep writing and drawing. Your post made perfect sense x-Bliss-x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverwolf Posted October 25, 2009 Report Share Posted October 25, 2009 ((((((((((((((An))))))))))))))) Can relate to the interpretation of everything being linked (The magpies linked with the people), and analysing everything coming your way. I now i feel really tired when I've had days like this, so my heart goes out to you. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moonshine Posted October 26, 2009 Report Share Posted October 26, 2009 Omg you are in my head! I totally understand this post especially the bit about being completely passive aggressive. I am outside my body most of the time, thankfully, but i watch myself and i've noticed i swear under my breath at empty rooms (and such like) that have the connotation of a person. How frigging ridiculous is that! Yesterday i was so depressed i had to get out the house or be suffocated and die so i went shopping, i HATE shopping but since it gets me outside that is the only thing i can wanderingly do, but my goodness does my passive aggressive feelings increase, i saw a shop keeper look at me and just though 'evil so and so (insert bad word here), how dare she look at me like that, like she knows anything, well fine she'll feel what it is like to be given the evil eye too'. ....Logically this girl didn't deserve my treatment but emotionally she is probably the most evil person on the earth right now in my mind. As for frustration, i do yell outloud, in fact the other day i had to do a big shop and forgot the enviromentally friendly reusable bags and you should have heard me yell!! I hate being me, and i hate that tiny event fuels my anger to the extent that it does! I think ranting too a ladybird is a good idea. And a very sweet idea, in my mind at least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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