Villan Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 I dont go out much socially... well hardly ever as i avoid it like the plague... But on the very odd occasion i do go out i get this horrid anx... Ok... I can live with that for general social stuff I guess... but for a curry night out with my cricket team.... why???? i know them all, i know they like me, i know they want me there, i have had 2 calls and 3 texts reminding me (yeah i do pike out ALOT) and i like curry, the place is 10 mins from home, and i went last year and had a blast... so why the hell dont i wanna go...? answers on a postcard please Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 ooooo by the way i am quite happy sitting with the anxiety until it goes away and all that feeling stuff i am doing... i jus wanna know why? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 I don't know you that well, chitma (although from what I do know you seem very nice). Therefore, I will talk about my own social anxiety. My T says that I "can't predict how other people will react" and therefore have social anxiety, that my mind races, and that I find it very difficult to overcome this because anything that you learn is hard to apply in a situation when you are anxious (because you can't think straight). Because I have been unable to relate to other people, I have gone into a kind of fantasy world, and I am scared that people will be able to see into that world and will find me odd and judge me. More generally, particularly in the past, I have not really been able to understand myself nor understand other people very well. Therefore, it makes sense that I would be anxious because I don't know if I will trigger people, or if what I say is appropriate. There is no flowchart or set of rules for dealing with people: they are inherently unpredictable. You have said that you are very popular at cricket, Chitma, and I think its great that you have this social outlet. I am thinking of taking up a new hobby (photography). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 for me i prefer to freeze and stay still thn take the risk. doing something, anything, carries the risk of unpredictable and in the past this for me almost allways meant negative stuff so its hard to shake that automatic frozen watchfulness that kicks in where any action at all is concerned, its like my whole being is geared up to anticipate danger and freeze to protect itself, which obviously means i really struggle to get alot of 'normal' things done. someways i have made good progress with this, i can feel desperate to hide under covers and yet get up and head out while still saying to myself that its ok to feel scared and that i'll still be there to support me. this works good for work, or other stuff where i have a reasonable expectation of the time limits, like lunch in the afternoon, film, day out shopping etc, but i strugle with stuff that has no time limit like a party or night out etc, or something at home like sorting out paper work or tidying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 thanks for the replies, i will ponder them further for the general social anx i have, but it isnt really what i wanted to understand... i really just want to address tonight at the moment... i went last year i had a good time it is not unknown - there is nothing different this year from last WHY AM I ANXIOUS....? i am going to go, of that there is no doubt cos i will make myself cos head wise i kno it will be fine... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 Um Chit, I have not read all the replies on here but you are going through a difficult time at the moment. You have been posting on here about how you are feeling and I'm not surprised you don't want to go to a social evening feeling like that. xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 Hullo chitty chitty ma ma (lol feelin creative) Imma do a data, and talk about meeeeee cuz tis the only thing I really know for certain lol I realise my social anxiety comes from the sense that I am a despicable person, and that everything I do deserves to be punished. There is a voice - mostly my sisters - that I have been trying to block out (successfully I might add) that is shouting contemptuous remarks at me for everything I do. Whilst I have blocked out the voice, I never ever blocked out the residual feeling of it. I would walk away from any social interaction with a feeling that SOMETHING wasnt right, but I couldnt figure it out. Now that I have started to let those voices be, I know exactly what that odd feeling was. The punsihing voice wanted to say "I CANT BELIVE YOU SAID THAT TO HER - YOU ARE SO ARROGANT AND STUCK UP. WHY CANT YOU JUST SHUT UP AND LET HER DO HER JOB? YOU ARE SO EMBARRASSING - ITS NO WONDER EVERYONE HATES YOU". I was pushing the voice away, and instead feeling the uneasiness of anticipation, the surrounding anxiety of that attack. There were feelings of trying to push it away, that "I shouldnt feel this way" as well, if you like 3 or 4 feelings all in one unnameable mess. Being consciously divorced from it and trying hard not to feel it, I couldnt name that feeling. I have started letting the voice say its piece - say all its contempt. When I do, I feel depressed, but CALM. That weird unnameable feeling goes away, because I know what it is. Its the same in interactions - because I feel that at any moment, I will do something contemptible, I feel always on edge and anxious, always on the lookout for any 'bad' feeling or action from myself, or any slight sign that the other person may be reacting to my contemptuous behaviour. However 0 if you had asked me this a month ago, I couldnt have told you that, because I was utterly divorced from the feeling. I wouldnt have been aware of it, and would have blamed it on vague, nebulous possibilities or interpretations. You are getting in touch with feelings, and it may be that until you can get in touch with some key part of you, you may not fully understand what it is you are feeling and why. As for what to do about it, thats my next step. Right now Im at the 'be with it' stage. Its bizarre, to know this has been with me all my life. Letting it back in has made me fully experience what I felt like as a child, and to see all the defences I built up around it, the attempts not to feel, the attempts to be perfect, and the attempts to not feel controlled by that contempt. Oddly, that desire not to be controlled actually leads me to do the very thing that will get me punished! An interestin paradox .... Thats me waffle for today :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 mine comes from always feeling inferior or being convinced people like me but - not REALLY i go round having this sickening feeling of gratefulness towards anyone who shows some interest in me - like they 'might care'!! PUKE also i have the voice inside me that criticises whatever i say - 'why did u say that, they dont want to know that, they are not interested, dont be loud, dont show off,your wrong, your just copying other people' etc etc and ofcourse the endless expectation that these things are true means constant alert to every glance, word, action - that will prove - yes - they dont really want me here I was TERRIBLE in social situations when i was younger - but through hubs job had no choice but to take part that - and time - have made it easier but now - i just cant be arsed to go to things - cant be bothered to dress up - or make any effort - especially if i am told it is expected !!!! I think masses of it comes down to low self esteem - oh and in my case - parents who are virtual recluses!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 thanks again for all your validation and sharing.. but no one has really answered my question so ima leave it there... ima probably not getting my point across - my fault not yours... hey ho... thanks anyway... ed: to add that i want to go i am looking forward to going but i have the physical anx symptoms and stuff - that may make it clearer... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 sorry chips just think if you always have an element of self doubt,or internall criticism then you will always feel anxious - however well you know the situation well thats my experience hope you DO enjoy yourself tho xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 no not your fault mine i wasn't explaining it good enough... your second attempt does the job tho... ((((((((((((((walker)))))))))))) thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 Hi chit I think the real, deep reason is something that only you really have the answer to, but guesses: 1) You are afraid something bad will happen, and those relationships will be broken 2) You are afraid you may over react to something, be made to feel angry and react strongly in a way that makes others see you badly 3) Maybe you feel 'on display' and the sensation of having to try so hard to appear happy, entertaining etc is too much of a stress to go through with 4) Maybe if they are old friends, there is a sense that you should be more than you are, should have achieved more than you feel you have, and that produces a sense of shame or fear 5) Maybe you are worried (again if they are old friends) that you cannot emulate a past version of yourself, that somehow right now you cannot live up to their positive expectations of you. 6) Maybe there is one particular person you know will be there that you feel ambivalent about 7) Maybe you are worried they will bring up a topic that makes you sad, angry or some other feeling? If it were me, I would try picturing myself whilst there - see the faces, feel myself at the table. I would try to be aware of the anxious feeling or any feelings that the image brings up, and then try to see what they are telling me. As I said, only you truly know why you are anxious, its just that mabbe your brainie part isnt giving up the answers easily .... Rossie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 sigh......... thanks Ross... i have sat here all day and tried like you to list it all and there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON i can find as to WHY i should feel anx bout this... i even stopped looking and that didnt do the trick like i said ima happy to sit with the feeling but head wants to know... bloody head... ps sorry for sounding like a right ungrateful cow, but it is well annoying me... ooo annoyance, without anger - there's a new one... hmmmm lmao Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 If u go, looks like the night will be illuminating for you Hope the answer comes a knockin Remember also that you may actually have stared the answer in the face and not realised ... depends if its hidin behind one of those defences or an emotion you arent 'allowed' to feel... Fingers crossed if u go tho :hug2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 thanks for the huggle rossie-panda-hat... pondered a lil more... walker could be right - it could be basically just the self doubt and internal crit spilling over into everything social, known or unknown... at least my head accepts that as the answer and has stopped looking for alternatives jus now... bloody head and recurrent thoughts... i have been talking to myself all day... and even a lil out loud cos Andy keeps looking at me as if i am talking to him... oopsie... hey ho.... xxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 yey yey yey yey yey yey yey yey WALKER COULD BE RIGHT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just let me enjoy it for a few seconds before it gets blown apart xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 LMFAO...... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx guess by law of averages was bound to happen at some time.... JOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i will update you when i get back and if there is no revelation to be found then i will be able to confirm it... so you better get your party hat ready!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 Hi Chitma Perhaps now that you've pondered the where does it come from, you can begin on where do i go from here. I find a lot of comfort in meditating on my Spirit Animal Horse. When I approach a difficult situation, I take deep breaths and ride the situation as though I were a centaur or a horse. For example, when jumping a fence or walking up to a group of people and inserting yourself into the circle: match your center of gravity, have a relaxed yet athletic poise, don't rush the fence or drop your mount. Animals reveal to us that we must live in the moment and pay attention to natural signals, that we are at one with the cycle of life. Animals are 100% themselves. They don't rationalize or sublimate, they exist in the Now. We can identify that voice that is prior to the screaming harpies tellng us we're nobody or nothing. A horse is happy being a horse, of course, and when I am in Horse Wisdom I am aware of this joy too. Oh yeah, and brave means you go into the fear, not that you are not afraid. so if the social anxiety never leaves you entirely, as it has yet to leave me entirely yet, that's ok, it's only giving us opportunities to be brave. Gather accomplishments where you find them. It's an early step to loving oneself. And by the way, ultimately you get to decide whether or not you feel like attending any social event, and you dont need to justify yourself to anyone. You got the power! love and light, cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 oooooooooooo cat - thank you... Am about to log off at work and go home so just a quick reply... "The Now" is summat i am working on and I have a Power Animal Meditation Using animals to help with the living in the moment stuff sounds like a good way to go... Will have a go and let you know... Kath Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 went had a great time apart from picking the wrong trousers to wear cos they were too tight for a curry stuffing session LMAO and took all this to t tonight too WALKER - IT IS OFFICIAL - YOU WERE RIGHT... yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy go you although we went into it a lil more indepth and explained more the why i was feeling it as well as where it came from... will share if u wanna when i feel less stuffed and more inclined to type... ((((((((((((walker)))))))))))))) xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 well thankyou xxxx and im so glad you had a good time actually i think ross was saying the same - sort of but in a rossie - intellectual way not simple walker xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 walker - maybe, but i kinda got a lil lost in all the long replies - which i will re-read now i have sorted the today problem out... sometimes simples is best (alexander meerkat is a legend) for me when i am wound up!!! Cat... i touched briefly on the animal thing with my t - and she says good idea... she has looked into similar stuff herself with the "now" stuff... she is awesome with what she knows bout all this stuff as well as the standard t stuff all in all a cracking day... xxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2009 ok - i dont have good words like ross but ima explain what i can from what me and t worked out THIS APPLIES TO ME... may sound like bullshit to some of you - but to me it FEELS right and makes sense... yesterdays anx was good protective anx it came from my general social anx and low self worth (just as walker said) but we think it was there for the following reason to protect me kinda keep me in check cos of the past and my general social anx it was jus hangin around to say... "oooo you are going out... jus be a lil careful with yourself..." ie - was a lil feeling just to make me aware of the situation... which i can accept cos i was really really looking forward to it - maybe could have gone a lil manic if not for the anx... it was pure anx btw - jus the fluttery physical stuff, not the horrid panicky stuff... not anx mixed with any other emotion which is how i usually get it... (anx + fear etc etc) anyhow... take that how yuo want to... jus kno that it all works for me... and in my therapy, thats all that matters xxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2009 Oh yeah, and brave means you go into the fear, not that you are not afraid. so if the social anxiety never leaves you entirely, as it has yet to leave me entirely yet, that's ok, it's only giving us opportunities to be brave. Gather accomplishments where you find them. It's an early step to loving oneself. now the anx is all over and done with for now... this was the bit that i loved the most from the whole topic... thanks cat xxxxx i have written the following on my cue cards FEAR ALLOWS US TO BE BRAVE i also said that to my t last night and she loved it too... xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wobbles Posted October 30, 2009 Report Share Posted October 30, 2009 I spoke to my T about this not long ago and he explained to me that the physical responses for anxiety are exactly the same as excitement. So when we're looking forward to something, and are excited, we get the rush of adrenaline, racing heart, sweats, etc etc....and exactly the same when anxious about something. The same physiological response. It just depends on our wiring as to how we interpret those physiological responses to stimuli. So maybe what you're really feeling is excitement, that is being confused as anxiety. Not on a conscious level, but maybe your wiring is getting confuzzled and interpreting this reaction to an even, as anxiety. Possibly because of negative outcomes from social situations in the past. I'm trying to deal with my anxieties by telling myself it's excitement rather than anxiety, distort the wiring so that i can begin to look forward to things rather than feel anxious about them, and realise there are different interpretations to stimuli to what my body and mind are automatically presuming and assuming. All i can think of, in terms of why it happens, is that the minds interpretation of that physiological response is distorted, and misfiring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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