markscol Posted November 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 5, 2009 It sounds like what you feel it is. Stick up for your boundaries though. When you say stick up for your boundaries? What is the best way to assert these, while still acknowledging the other person and being sensitive? What are good boundaries to have? I am new to this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ocean Wolf Posted November 6, 2009 Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 Basically, if she hurts you, let her know that she has and why and that you do not find it acceptable. Of course, feelings are going to be hurt anyway on both sides, but it is kind of necessary to solve the problem. That happens in pretty much every relationship. Using "I" statements and speaking calmly helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted November 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 Basically, if she hurts you, let her know that she has and why and that you do not find it acceptable. Of course, feelings are going to be hurt anyway on both sides, but it is kind of necessary to solve the problem. That happens in pretty much every relationship. Using "I" statements and speaking calmly helps. Yes, i have noticed in the past, however, that she has never said sorry. She will just wait a while, reconnect, and we continue on as though it has never happened. Although she did tell me once that one thing she loved about me was how i was able to let people in despite their deficiencies, so i am sure she is appreciative. But is it normal, for her never to say sorry or talk about an issue head-on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ocean Wolf Posted November 6, 2009 Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 If she feels guilty about it, yes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted November 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 If she feels guilty about it, yes. thanks. So you suggest the best thing is to just know inside that she is sorry, and not bring it up after i have already told her she hurt me. I don't mind not bringing it up--i know that she regrets hurting people, so i dont need to exacerbate it for my own benefit. I just never knew what was going on in her head.... but thanks for you help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ocean Wolf Posted November 6, 2009 Report Share Posted November 6, 2009 I suggest doing what you feel you need to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bena.baby Posted February 25, 2010 Report Share Posted February 25, 2010 This is a bit of an old topic, but I'm feeling soppy and wanted to add my story. I knew the minute I met him. He was interviewing me to work at the student newspaper. I still remember the exact look on his face, the exact spot we met, the way he said my name. Even before I met him, there was something about his emails that made me laugh, and it's not easy to make me laugh. My first thoughts were..."why are they letting a skinny little fresher run the newspaper?!?!?" He has funny higgeldy piggeldy little teeth and at the time I guess I was quite shallow and was thinking, ooh sort your teeth out, God! We only met for 15 minutes, then I went to stay with my boyfriend (!) for the summer. When he told me the job was mine, I was so excited and the first thought was "now I get to see him all the time". I was like "what a silly thing to think, I don't even fancy him!" Basically my brain kept telling me stuff, but my heart knew best. One night in that summer, he called me really drunk to ask me to come to the office to help paint it, and I just KNEW he fancied me! After we started working together, I thought about him more and more and started acknowledging I liked him, which was hard as we both had partners. I remember being GUTTED when I found out he had a gf, but again my head was like "why do you care?" One night everyone we worked with went out, and I was hammered. We were in this club and I had already snogged 2 of the guys (lol, they actually ended up being my best friends for a bit, and then ended up being a couple together!) But I kept trying it on with my bf, even though his girlfriend was there! He was like "you're mad". Ha ha. But I could see he wanted to. I remember the day we first kissed (etc). I had made a massive effort that day, mini skirt, knee high boots etc, and he said "you're looking v smart today". I was like, yeah, SMART. lol. It was so weird. I lived a bit away from uni, so I had to get the bus. I normally got it from one particular stop, but on this day I thought, oh I'll catch it from this different stop, cos that way I might run into him. And I did. He invited me for a drink with his friends, and I ummed and aahed but decided to go. The whole time it just felt inevitable, that there was no point in trying to stop it. We chatted the whole night, and he made me laugh like no-one else. At the end of the night, we were outside in the close, think there was a party in someone's flat, and I said I was cold. He put his arm round me and said "is that better?" Then we kissed, and it was just...wow. Even though we've split up 100 times, he's hurt me, I've hurt him...every time I see him, I feel so full of love for him. I feel at home, I've never felt like that with anyone else. I am SO happy we're trying to work things out. Every time we're apart, even when we were apart for 6 months with no contact...I dunno, I can never get THAT devestated, cos I always knew at some point we would try to sort things out with us. He just gets me, I get him and even though he knows every disgusting awful thing I've done and said, he still loves me. I never believed in love at first sight/fate/any of that - but when I met him, that changed. I feel like we're linked somehow. He said it himself the other night: I was trying to split up with him and he just said "what's the point? you can try, but you know we'll never be able to leave each other alone". Better is that before it was just this big romantic drama type thing - and now we're working on actually having a healthy relationship too. Less of the Wuthering Heights stuff! And that is my story of love! PS - Ingrid - weirdly enough, my bf has quoted that final paragraph from The Great Gatsby to me as well! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad-donna Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 My friend dared me to send an ad to a lonely hearts column in a local newspaper, and he replied. We got on well from the moment we met. Half an hour into the date I was standing on the bowling alley looking back at him and the thought popped into my head - "you're going to spend the rest of your life with him". I thought i was being silly but we spent every moment we could together from then on, and a week later he asked me to marry him. He moved in a couple of months later and we married 2 years to the day we met. A few years later he got renal failure while I was at uni. While I was doing my finals I had all the tests and turned out to be a perfect match for him, as close as if we'd been brother and sister. He was well again for 15 months. Then he had a massive brain haemorrhage. He's badly disabled now and needs me to care for him night and day, I have to take him to all his hospital appointments. He's quite depressed as you'd expect, and takes it out on me a lot, hense my mental health problems. I'd never leave him though, he's not the same any more but just sometimes there's an echo of the man I fell in love with, or I see his shadow and fall for him all over again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lapwing Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 how was it different from other people you had instant attractions to?Smoetimes i put people on pedestals very quickly, ( i haven't met "the one" yet), so how did you feel that it was giong to be different with this person? I'm married to someone that I think is the one, I've never experienced anything like it, feeling so right, but I worry that I've put him on a pedestal and that at some point it will all go horribly wrong. I worry all the time about our relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted February 26, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 some insecurity is natural probably to many relationships, BPD or not. It is that overarching sense of love you have that counts. I dont know how to describe it, but, there are very few people in the world where, when you meet them, it's like you instantly know you would do anything for him or her. Like, if you could construct the world tomorrow, you would just lay in a field of lillies with this person for the rest of your life and die a happy woman... at least that is how i feel with this person. The reason why that scares me is, it isn't very realistic. It is cloud 9 thinking....but, that IS what love is, isn't it? soaring to newer heights from the feeling...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 I have not read all of this thread since my initial comment, but in answer to the "soaring" feeling of love. Yes, I would agree that is what falling in love is all about. You may fall in love with many people but there will only be 1 maybe 2 people in your lifetime you feel "that" way about. Like you could lay in a field all day with them etc..... but that falling in love feeling eventually, over the years, evolves into being "in love" with someone where you still feel in love but you have added security and commitment/devotion to one another over an extended period. And for me it just keeps getting better and better. I love him as much as I did the first day I clapped eyes on him. I get butterflies in my tummy whenever I think of him. It pleases me to please him and I get that returned. We have been married 10 years now, have 2 beautiful children and have known each other for 16 years. What more can I say? I still remember the first time I ever saw him..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted February 26, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 that sounds really amazing. I suppose that is the goal for me. I am not the type that has to get married, or thinks i will be a failure if i don't. But, i just think at some point in my life- probably when i am a bit older and more settled in a job, i will want something more secure, something to come home to, or to know that i have someone to go through life with. Those types of relationships don't happen over night, they evolve over time, maybe making them more rarer? So you think this feeling ...that i should listen to it? Like, there isn't some rational explanation for it? It is just something that happens --a subconscious thing that our bodies do to tell us "warrning warning!! this person is special!" ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 Totally, it is special. Go with the flow, fall in love, see what happens. Nothing can beat that feeling. Yeah, over time it evolves and we have had really, really hard times and been separated and allsorts, me in hossie and him away at his Mam's but through it all we found our way back, we are like sea turtles mated for life. You may get your heart broken at some point but that is part of life too. You cannot feel the highs without some lows. Otherwise how would you know you are high? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 sometimes there is no rational reason for why you feel that way about someone. i know for me i would struggle wth asking myself why i felt that way.i over analised it way too much. i developed strong feelings for someone i had never evn met...and i thought i was going mad! you just have to go with it...sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesnt. roses...i love your story with u and your hubby!so sweet and romantic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
floyd Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 i pushed them away closed off would allow myself to be... didnt know how or if i could... got to much in the end it was to much for me before it started! :wacko: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sanctuary Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 Every man I've ever met has been 'the one' from the start. I don't know anymore what the truth is with love..... :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doormouse Posted February 26, 2010 Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 Aw..... This is such an amazing thread... You're all soooo lucky and I'm soooo..... jealous!!! lol Can't wait til I meet someone I feel like that about - and preferably who feels like that about me!! Mousex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted February 26, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 26, 2010 i need to know it exists Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brodabb Posted February 27, 2010 Report Share Posted February 27, 2010 Well, I don't know how good a person I am to reply to this, but I can tell you my story of 'the one'. Firstly, it is important to note that we have never been 'together' and the feelings are (as far as he says) unrequited. But for me, he is the one. In 2007, I made-out with one of my sister's best-friends at the time. He was the first person I ever kissed. I became attracted to him at that moment and was crushed the next day when I was told he found it 'awkward'. Despite this, I continued to hang out with him (because of the other people he hung out with at the moment, mostly). Over the next year, we became best friends. I was also best friends with his then-girlfriend. However, in the fall of 2008, they both stopped calling me and we had a falling out. In January of 2009, he came back to say he was sorry and that his girlfriend had made him stay away from me. At first I was reluctant, but I caved in and we were friends again. That March, him and his friend stole my debit card and took $600 from me. Needless to say, I didn't see him after that ordeal. That is, not until May. He came to me while I was at work and was completely wasted. He said that he was sorry for that 'accident', that he really missed me, and that his friend had put him up to it. Again, I was reluctant, but I could see the tears in his eyes and I forgave him. I knew that I would as soon as I looked in those eyes. We've been friends again ever since, although he says he's straight and has no feelings for me. At the end of the year, last year, I was going through a particularly bad time and was living on my own (I never cope well with being alone). He began getting his family members to pick me up after work (2AM) and I began spending every night on his couch. This living situation ended just about two weeks ago... when I moved in with my mom, pretty far away from him. I know he's the one because he is the only person EVER that I've been able to be completely angry with and still love all the same. I know because right now, I feel like a part of me is missing without him near me. And, the last time we talked was three days ago... and I feel like it's been a life time. I worry constantly that this is the end of our relationship. There are some more points, concerning the 'unrequited' bit: His ex-girlfriend, the one I had a falling out with, we're friends again as well. She's since told me the reason she stopped calling me was because she felt as though he was more in love with me than her. Such as the time he met me at my house after I finished work and said he wanted to 'watch the sun come up with me'. He had told her during the relationship that he was 'curious about guys', which was well after we had made-out and after he had had sexual relations with another guy. Once he had told me I was the first person he ever kissed, but when brought up again months later, he changed his story saying it was a girl. Oh, and when I expressed interest in another guy, he responded with "But I'm still hotter." Wow. I should just write a novel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markscol Posted February 27, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2010 it sounds like-- and correct me if i'm wrong-- that this person hasn't treated you the best in the world. I want to know that the kind of love exists where not only does it feel like the "one" for hte person with BPD but the other person also treats you well, and doesn't take advantage or refuse to recognize or whatever. I want those two things to be in congruence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted February 27, 2010 Report Share Posted February 27, 2010 Um, I'll say it again, IT EXISTS!!!!!! Just that a lot of other crap exists too and it's just about taking a chance and letting yourself go. Speculate to accumulate and all that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.