Sarah Kneebone Posted November 7, 2009 Report Share Posted November 7, 2009 Hi everyone I am a 42 year old mother of three. My 16 year old has emerging BPD and has been in hospital now since February, when this nightmare began - for all of us. Just yesterday my daughter was out on leave with me. She tried to cut herself with a bread knife, then stab herself with it, then tried to swallow weed killer, then left the house. When I did find her again she was sitting on the side of the road with some memebers of the public who told me they had found her lying in the middle of the road. They told me an ambulance was on the way. I did manage to control the situation and did get my daughter back to hospital, but these sorts of days are starting to become quite the routine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted November 7, 2009 Report Share Posted November 7, 2009 hi i have bpd, wil try and help if i can. cadance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah Kneebone Posted November 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 7, 2009 hi i have bpd, wil try and help if i can. cadance Hi Cadance What advice can you give me to deal with the situation when my daughter is self-harming? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinxsta Posted November 7, 2009 Report Share Posted November 7, 2009 Yeah me too, I dont think anyone can advise u better than people with BPD........it would probably be good for us to see it from the other side of the coin too.... u can see the bpd way of thinking and we can see the non-bpd way of thinking, how our actions are percieved and how urs are. This is a great support network and im sure people will be more than willing to help out. All i'll say for now is dont give up hope, 16 is a damn hard age for anyone without mh probs... but also be easy on urself, the best u can do it support her, validate her and let her kno shes wanted and loved alot, not just by actions or words but by both. XxX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted November 7, 2009 Report Share Posted November 7, 2009 hi, i find that i am most destructive, when even the slightest thing changes, such as friends not returning text, its like "they hate me" etc what have i done wrong. for me i need reassurance that people are not doing to leave me, or judge me, i have an intense fear of abandonment and put up barriers. but i find it very frustrating when people ask me what is the matter, as i dont always have a reason, let her know u are her for her if she needs it, and that she can talk to u about anything, and that u wont judge, or leave her. i know from my husbands point of view that it is very frustrating for him. for me my head feels like it is spinning and everything gets on top of me til i cant take any more. when she is feeling distructive is there something she likes to do, listen to music, art and craft stuff etc, anything to try and distract her. my cpn also suggested using rubber bands on my wrist as still feel pain but dont cause ur self damage. hope this is of some help cadance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shadow8 Posted November 8, 2009 Report Share Posted November 8, 2009 Hi there I don't have BPD, I have depression but I do sh. I think cadance is right in saying if there is something she like to do to help distract her from the thoughts she is having it can really help. Playing card games, listening to music, watching fav tv show. When the thoughts take over I just withdraw and can't deal with any sort of pressure. Just having someone with me can help me to distract from the thoughts or at least quiet them down. It can feel very noisy and hard to concertrate when sh thoughts take over. You'll find the site very useful and as jinxsta said it's good to know how people without mh probs perceive things. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roulette Posted November 8, 2009 Report Share Posted November 8, 2009 It sounds like you're both really having a very hard time at the moment! I think it's very important to remember that no matter how much of a hard time you're having of this, she's probably having a worse time and is very focused inwards on this. I know this may seem obvious but I know a lot of parents tend to forget this, so when the teen goes, "I'm having a hard time", the parent sometimes returns with, "what do you think I'm going through?" which can exasperate the situation! Also, arm yourself with as much information is possible! Coming here is a good start! There's also a book called, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which I'm currently getting my fiance to read. It's important to be non-judgemental, and right now your daughter probably feels no one understands what she's going through. You may never be able to understand, but you can try your damnest! When your daughter's head is in a better place, she'll appreciate every effort you've made. Also, when she comes home, be prepared to wipe the slate clean and forget about everything she's done when she was unwell. Most probably she doesn't feel at fault for everything she's done, no matter how bad, and to be honest, she isn't. Don't hold it over her head. But also, don't wrap her in cotton wool and smother her, because she'll just push against you. Treat her like a normal girl. Some of this probably seems a bit straightforward and a bit, "well, duh", but it's actually everything my parents have ever done to annoy me and hamper my recovery. Don't forget you need support and a little tlc too. Maybe you can find a Carers Group for people caring for mental health problems nearby? We're always here if you need some support and guidence but sometimes the words of real person in the same situation mean so much more Good luck, and I wish your daugher a speedy recovery. <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aneurysm Posted November 8, 2009 Report Share Posted November 8, 2009 Regarding self-harm, the most important thing to do is not get angry with her, which can be difficult, but is important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tracey1984 Posted November 11, 2009 Report Share Posted November 11, 2009 hello i am 25 and suffer from borderline emotional unstable personality disorder. i cant imagine what you or more importantly what your daughter is going through and that is in no way intended to offend you what so ever. your daughter must be feeling very lonely like her whole world is caving in on her and theres no escape, so she fins ways to try to escape her own mental torture. i could be wrong but ive seen and done alot of things myself. ive put my family through hell and after it all they are still there for me i am currently on anti depressants but it does not control my agitated behaviour which my parents found out today but my moods are switched like a light switch, last night i was happy this morning i was agitated then i went to see the dr stormed out suddenly felt angry like people were attacking me went home my mum came back with me we argued for hours and then i just cried and couldn't breathe, you see im going through hell right now and its not helped my depression one little bit. but im hoping i can find someone to talk to that can remain neutral and non-judge mental on my mental health as i feel like i have to take anti depressants to fit in with the world rather than just being accepted for who i am and being told that im ILL 24/7 is not helpful in the slightest. but i am here to talk and i hope you are too take care be strong and be strong for your daughter, she loves you and you love her theres just alot going on in your daughters head and like one person said shes 16 its a crucial times for any human being whether or not they jave a MH disorder or not xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
out2lunch Posted November 11, 2009 Report Share Posted November 11, 2009 Hi Sarah, Glad you found this site, as others have said it is a very supportive environment and people will do everything they can to offer insight and help where possible. Have you had much experience of Mental Health (MH) issues before things started going wrong for your daughter? God it must be awful for you all and certainly sounds like she is really really struggling at the moment. It's bad enough being a 16 let alone going through this as well. You specifically asked about SH ~ you'll read so much here on tht subject there are a lot of threads covering this. There is a user here called "Roses", who I think has some experience helping people in the real world manage SH and I think she might be a good person for yuo to try and talk to. I have personal experience but to be honest it sounds like the levels of SH your daughter is currently inflicting are a bit out of my league, but please if it would help I (and I'm sure lots of others here) would be happy to try and explain why or how it helps. I'll look out for your posts here and hope I can help you even if just a little, but would like to say that it sounds to me as if your daughter is very lucky to have you ~ you hear so many stories of people desperate for help and not getting any for years and years, yet within less than a year you have got professional help for your daughter and now you're trying to get a better insight for yourself. If you feel a bit helpless sometimes please remind yourself of this, and take heart in the fact that for your daughter at least, there is no fight to be helped or taken seriously. Take care and we are all here if you need us. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Hi Sarah, Out2lunch is right. I have had cbt for my sh and am now part of a sh group which I help to run. It is a small group but we get access to more detailed information on sh through the support worker who runs it with us. SH is a very misunderstood topic. The old fashioned approach was to remove all harmful objects/items from a person to keep them safe. but they are learning more and more that sh is a coping stretgy (be it an unhealthy one) and stops the sh'er from moving onto more serious things like overdosing or hanging themselves. It can offer the sh'er the release they need to enable them to carry on. People sh for a variety of reasons. Common ones are as a release of energy, or to 'ground' themselves. Or to punish themselves and some need to see blood. there is a sh section on the main forums of this site (top left of main screen is a click button to 'our sites'). There is also a thread with lists of over 100 things to do besides sh and I have attached something for you abotu distraction from sh which is a culmination from different resources. Personally from experience in hospital they took everything from me including my dressing gown cord and shoelaces and I still found something to sh with within the mechanism of the toilet roll holder and failing that people resort to smashing their heads on the walls and sstuff so what it boils down to is 'safer self-harm'. Avoiding the areas that are dangerous (arteries/tendons) and then replacing the action with something else like a hard training session or a run or smashing icecubes against the wall of your bath so they then fall into the bath. The smash of ice against tile is quite satisfying. I have also attached a copy of the form my therapist had me fill in for the sh and it was really, really helpful as we managed to identify a common trigger, what my basic feelings about my self were and all sorts. If youwant to talk in more detail you can always PM meaanytime. I am a mother of 2 children and I started sh when I was about 7. Take care xxxxxxx It says I can't attach my word files so will copy and paste into another post on here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Distraction From Self-Harm One way to increase the chances of a distraction/substitution helping calm the urge to harm is to match what you do to how you are feeling at the moment. First, take a few moments and look behind the urge. What are you feeling? Are you angry? Frustrated? Restless? Sad? Craving the feeling of SH? Depersonalized and unreal, or numb? Unfocused? Next, match the activity to the feeling. A few examples: angry, frustrated, restless Try something physical and violent, something not directed at a living thing: Slash an empty plastic soda bottle or a piece of heavy cardboard or an old shirt or sock. Make a soft cloth doll to represent the things you are angry at. Cut and tear it instead of yourself. Flatten aluminum cans for recycling, seeing how fast you can go. Hit a punching bag. Use a pillow to hit a wall, pillow-fight style. Rip up an old newspaper or phone book. On a sketch or photo of yourself, mark in red ink what you want to do. Cut and tear the picture. Make Play-Doh or another clay model and cut or smash them. Throw ice into the bathtub or against a brick wall hard enough to shatter it. Break sticks. These things work even better if you rant at the thing you are cutting/tearing/hitting. You could start out slowly, explaining why you are hurt and angry, but possibly end up swearing and crying and yelling. It helps a lot to vent like that. Crank up the music and dance. Clean your room (or your whole house). Go for a walk/jog/run. Stomp around in heavy shoes. Play handball or tennis. If you are feeling sad, soft, melancholy, depressed, unhappy Do something slow and soothing, like taking a hot bath with bath oil or bubbles, curling up under a comforter with hot cocoa and a good book, babying yourself somehow. Do whatever makes you feel taken care of and comforted. Light sweet-smelling incense. Listen to soothing music. Smooth nice body lotion into the parts or yourself you want to hurt. Call a friend and just talk about things that you like. Make a tray of special treats and tuck yourself into bed with it and watch TV or read. Visit a friend. If you are craving sensation, feeling depersonalized, dissociating, feeling unreal Do something that creates a sharp physical sensation: Squeeze ice hard (this really hurts). (Note: putting ice on a spot you want to burn gives you a strong painful sensation and leaves a red mark afterward, kind of like burning would.) Put a finger into a frozen food (like ice cream) for a minute. Bite into a hot pepper or chew a piece of ginger root. Slap a tabletop hard. Snap your wrist with a rubber band. Take a cold bath. Stomp your feet on the ground. Focus on how it feels to breathe. Notice the way your chest and stomach move with each breath. [NOTE: Some people report that being online while dissociating increases their sense of unreality; be cautious about logging on in a dissociative state until you know how it affects you.] If you are wanting focus Do a task (a computer game like tetris or minesweeper, writing a computer program, needlework, etc) that is exacting and requires focus and concentration. Eat a raisin mindfully. Pick it up, noticing how it feels in your hand. Look at it carefully; see the asymmetries and think about the changes the grape went through. Roll the raisin in your fingers and notice the texture; try to describe it. Bring the raisin up to your mouth, paying attention to how it feels to move your hand that way. Smell the raisin; what does it remind you of? How does a raisin smell? Notice that you're beginning to salivate, and see how that feels. Open your mouth and put the raisin in, taking time to think about how the raisin feels to your tongue. Chew slowly, noticing how the texture and even the taste of the raisin change as you chew it. Are there little seeds or stems? How is the inside different from the outside? Finally, swallow. Choose an object in the room. Examine it carefully and then write as detailed a description of it as you can. Include everything: size, weight, texture, shape, color, possible uses, feel, etc. Choose a random object, like a paper clip, and try to list 30 different uses for it. Pick a subject and research it on the web. If you are wanting to see blood Draw on yourself with a red felt-tip pen. Paint yourself with red tempera paint. If you are wanting to see scars or pick scabs Get a henna tattoo kit. You put the henna on as a paste and leave it overnight; the next day you can pick it off as you would a scab and it leaves an orange-red mark behind. Another thing that helps sometimes is the fifteen-minute game. Tell yourself that if you still want to harm yourself in 15 minutes, you can. When the time is up, see if you can go another 15. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 sh sheet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bibiddi Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Roses, that is excellent. Sarah, I hope what Roses has done may be of use to your daughter. I think it highlights that the harming behaviour isn't the focus, its the feelings and thoughts behind it. Would listening to her, when she isnt in crisis be possible? Not talking about her SH but just listening to how she feels. At times when a friend is in distress, I want to fix it, and take away their pain. I imagine a mother would want to do similar. But what really can help is just to sit and listen to them, and validate their feelings, even if you dont understand why its so important to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Yeah Bibiddi that's right. Listening. even if she can just manage one word sentences like "hurt" "pain" "blood" you can jot them down and she can think over it and discuss it when she is feeling a little brighter later on. You could get a feelings flow-chart going and eventually work up to her saying 2 word sentences, then 3 then before you know it she will be able to srticulate how she is feeling and you can begin on substituting for safer self-harm and ultimately not harming herself. It is a slow path but it can work. and if she ever relapses it is just part of the process, nothing to worry bout. It's about eeking out the time inbetween self harm until it is less and less frequent. xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
out2lunch Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 roses that stuff is brilliant thanks ever so much xx Sarah how's it going for you at the moment? xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 I love all you guys and gals on here! xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol-E Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Thanks for that info Roses :-) I hope it is helpful for your daughter, I am going to print it off for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 (((((((((((Carol)))))))))))))) xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophocles Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Gosh I wish my mother had been like you! She spent a lot of time telling me not to blame her for my problems, and feeling jealous of the professional because I could talk to them and they were helping more than she could / did. I would say that looking after your own mental health is vital. One reason why I didn't get better was because my own mother was in too bad a place for me to be able to. Had she been better, I would have had the space to improve. I was a suicidal teenager, although not usually that overt with my sh, or given such support. It must be so scary for you, as well as her. Watching someone you love destroy themselves. Emotionally, she needs compassion, non-judgmental acceptance of her for who she is now, as well as gentle assistance in her journey towards recovery. it's a hard balance, but it's one we all have to find anyway. I'm sorry I can't be more practical right now. The suggestions Roses put up are great, and are a list I've seen circulated elsewhere. Working out how she feels at any given point is likely to be hard. One thing I've done is to make lists of adjectives and colours, so that when I get to the point where I'm not sure what's going on except I might do something destructive and my brain's shutting down, I can look at the lists and just respond to them. Some people say that being 'allowed' to self harm helps them not want to do it. You may want to think about what ground rules you have to put in place that both give your daughter that space to be accepted, but also keep you and her safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah Kneebone Posted November 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2009 Wow! I'm just blown away by all of your kind words and words of advice. Thank you all so much! Roses, thanks for the detailed info. It looks very interesting. I can't believe our lives have changed so much in such a short period of time. I think Brooke first began to become ill after my separation from her dad. Leaving my ex and starting a new life was not what I had planned for my family. It was the very opposite. I stayed in an unhealthy marriage for a long time until I realised that I was no longer the person I wanted to be. No longer happy. I realised I couldn't be the best mum unless I myself was happy and felt loved. So I left him. Brooke blames me for this. So now I'm the one she takes it out on. She pushes me away so often. But I won't give up. I love her. I know one day she will thank me for not leaving her. Even though she makes it very difficult for me to want to stay around at times. She tells me she doesn't want to live with me. That she doesn't even want to visit with me. She is cold and mean and very distant at times. But I know that this is just her illness and I won't ever give up on her. She is my beautiful little girl that I brought in to this world. So I will fight for my place in her life. I have read Stop Walking On Eggshells. I meet with the Physcologist and my ex husband every week to reflect on the week gone, and plan the week ahead. I use the DBT skills I have learned. I try and engage with Brooke when she is in a good space and disengage when she is not. I am stressed and tired but I know it's nothing compared to her hell. I'm scared about the future. We have been told that it is possible she may even be developing Schizophrenia. Life really does suck at the moment! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted November 15, 2009 Report Share Posted November 15, 2009 hello welcome to the site. m glad your daughter has you to support her. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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