hummm_mabbe Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Hello I think mabbe I have posted about this kind of thing before, but needed to again ... I just wondered if anyone else has this trouble, admitting when you feel depressed? I dont know why, i just feel like I shouldnt. Tis a bad thing, cuz at the very moment I should be reaching out for help, I feel I shouldnt tell anyone how I feel. I just want to be very quiet and keep to myself, mabbe wait until I feel happier on my own and then I can 'be presentable' or something. Part of me actually wants to lash out at people who come near, like somehow they are going to make me feel worse and I just want to be away from them, be alone. Its why Ive been quiet on here lately, been feeling depressed and so just not wanted to be around folks, and not able to really say it out loud even though I know I need people. I almost feels guilty and ashamed to say "I feel depressed". Its not that I feel its bad to be depressed, because somehow its ok for others to be, but for me its like Im making it up or something, or 'being melodramatic' (that old chestnut). I dunno. I guess really part of this post I just wanted to say "hey, I feel depressed at the mo. I want people around me, but I dont want people around me .... urm confused". Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daisy duck Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 I'm definatley the same at times.I feel i have to be strong for others and admitting i need a bit of support is so difficult. Depression is so debilatating...a lot of people wont understand if they havent been through it themselves so i dont really like to bring the subject up. I find it easier now to talk about im feeling.Also it depends on how much you trust those around you to open up about your feelings. i'm sorry your feelin that way ross...i know how bad it can feel. your not alone xxxx hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 big bad topic for me atm so cant reply as i wanna, sorry... but can say that i know what u mean and i understand how u feel ((((((((((((rossie)))))))))))))) xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 hi, sorry u are not feeling too good at the min. for me i find i go into autopilot if someone says "how are u?" without out thinking i reply "fine thanks how are u?", then think why did i say that!!! eventually my friends realised i was pretending, and asked for the real truth, which when given scared em, so now they just get the auto response, with a fake happy smile, then crumble when they have gone. and when i am in crisis i just dont bother ringing, cpn or crisis team, cpn is lovely but most she can do is refer to crisis if thinks need it (i found out other day- when said how bad i felt when she visited) and crisis team i know what they will say so i just dont bother. and reluctant to go into hosp as had bad experience of asking them to remove a danger from my room, one not thought of before, they did but gave it back the next day, so actioned it, so little faith in em. (sorry for cryptic bit, didnt want to trigger anyone) then discharged me day aft!! so no given up on the asking for help when feeling bad unless directly asked, or cpn comes to the house for appoint. sorry i rambled cadance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daisy duck Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 its amazing how when someone asks if im okay i automatically say 'im fine thanks'...its almost a habit. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AveMaria Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 I do the same thing. But I am also a very private person and I learned growing up never to show any signs of weakness, so its not really a surprise. I go to be alone anytime I am sad, scared, upset, angry, sick, worried... etc any emotion that isn't positive really. So obviously being depressed is way more serious than just feeling sad or worried, so that makes me totally hide and withdraw from everything. I hope you feel better soon Ross, you have lots of people who care about you. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 ((((((((((((ross))))))))))))) i hear what you are saying and do the same, esp in real life where i cant seem to explain how i am - enough for it to be heard as you say - it is that deeply horrible feeling - longing to be with people who understand, but not wanting anyone around partly, for me, that is because i dont trust that anyone will truly care really sorry you feel like this xxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saffron Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 I feel like what you have said also. although I have to say that I disclosed to someone the other day and its actually made me feel releived and I feel a lot more relaxed around that person now. But that come very rarely as the trust is not there with most of everyone I know, however, Im trying to choose very carefully the right people to tell now as I think it might actually help. But mostly like yous I say, 'good, how are you' in which I normally then get a long run of their lives for the past week, yawn. maybe I should say fine ta. anyway. get your point Saffron Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marchmadness Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Hey - Glad you were able to post about how you are feeling. Well really feeling, and not just saying fine. Think there is still a stigma attached to being depressed and that maybe a reason why we dont speak up. I know that I do the same thing I say yeah I am fine. When inside I am in knots, but dont feel like being a burden on others maybe. But reading the replies here, it seems like there are many of us who operate like that. Hope you start to feel better soon. March Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted November 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Hi everyone I mean, for me there isnt really anyone in my life at the mo who would ask me if im ok, in order for me to lie to them. In fact even when I have people around me, its rare they will ever know I am feeling bad. I guess you could say I have never had the kind of relationships where that would happen - I have always been something of an emotional closed book my whole life. I suppose I am talking about me approaching a hypothetical other, or even telling my T or you guys on here, or my older friend who I see from time to time. Its like I can talk about past incidents of feeling bad, I can "feel about" depression, but I cant "feel into in the moment" my depression. If the feeling is there at the time, and I cant distance myself from it by describing the progress or insight ive made about it, I just want to stay in my hole. Mabbe its good for me to start by doing that here, and seeing that its ok and things. I suppose half the battle is not being entirely certain what I even WANT to happen! So much of the time I dont expect people to give me what I need, but then I dont even know what that is ... I just feel intrinsically that they will somehow make me feel worse. I know this is all stuff from the past and that ... I just need to push past holding back and actually deal with the other emotions that come up when I try to express depression, like anger or defensiveness or the urge to pull away or pretend .. Sigh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marchmadness Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Ok - So now you seem to have an idea of how you are feeling, I would suggest the next step would be to trust the members (friends) you have made on the site here. The more you can work on things here and take chances the more you will be able to take it to your everday life. Talking to your T, is the main one you should be able to tell how you are really feeling. March Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 i will say for me even if i dont know what i need i certainly know when i am not getting it from someone it seems to slap me hard in the face in a split second - i feel it deep within my heart - it burns, it aches and it is just too risky to expect people not to do it, when they do, over and over and over and over yet understanding what i need? words dont seems to work truly sorry that you feel like this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wobbles Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Hey Rossie Poo, I'm exactly the same. Whenever i'm having a bad day, or week, or whatever and am feeling depressed, i withdraw. I can't seem to bring myself to say out loud 'I'm depressed'. Then i get angry. One because i feel depressed in the first place, but also because the people around me don't see for themselves that i'm depressed and require me to tell them so that i get a bit of a break. As if i need them to be a mind reader so that i don't have to say it out aloud, and because they don't figure it out themselves, i get angry with them. I generally don't post on here when i'm feeling depressed or in crisis. Which is why i often go quiet. I think it comes from being so worried about being invalidated, either by something someone 'might' say, or by simply not getting enough replies to my post. I worry about people's reactions and thoughts about me if i tell them i'm having a depressive episode. Will they think i'm weak, whinging, self pittying, will they get sick of me, will they get angry with me, but i think really what it comes down to, is fear of invalidation. As a child, and i know i've said this before, i wasn't allowed to have my own feelings, and when i did express them, i was invalidated and often punished. So while i'm allowed to feel like shite, it's not allowed to voice it if you know what i mean. I'm learning to say, when asked how i am, something along the lines of 'I'm struggling at the moment' or 'I'm not too good at the moment'....but i always follow it up with 'But i'll get over it' or 'But i'll get there' etc. I suppose that's me doing their job of invalidating me, for them. I think it's easier to invalidate myself, than have someone else do it, it hurts less. But i do get very frustrated at not being able to just say 'Hey i'm not doing too well at the moment, please be gentle with me'. I remember with my dad's depression, his family got sick of him, that all he talked about was his depression, and therapy etc and people got tired of hearing about it. It consumed him, and it got to the point where no one wanted to know, which of course then made them all feel terribly guilty when he killed himself! So for me, it's about invalidation, and fear of it. Do you think maybe it's similar with you? Worried about not getting the response you want and need, being invalidated, which leads to more anger and depression, so it's easier to withdraw and wait till you're over it yourself? I'm pretty sure that's what it is with me. Big huggles xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saffron Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 starting here would be a good start, I think. some times I think there must be loads of us out there who feel like this really and dont show it, we probably even know people already. I told a friend at college the other day and to my surprise she said she did also, although you would never have guessed. funny how things work out eh. Sometimes saying you feel shitty or really down just to let someone know is enough without anything else. maybe it explains behaviours without going into things deeply. People should just accept that it is the way you feel and not badger you to explain why, how, what etcetcetc. sorry waffling now. Its a horrible feeling though eh Saffron Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted November 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2009 Hullo Yes lots of good thoughts there and stuff ... tis about that fear of invalidation, the fear if my reaction to it and how the other person will react (eg punitively). I dunno. Just feel kinna stuck and unsure T did say this would happen, that its actually a sign of progress because I have been living my pretend life all this time and now Im actually seeing what I was running from ... just doesnt feel great is all :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saffron Posted November 13, 2009 Report Share Posted November 13, 2009 well, im sending you some HUGS anyway. things will improve, keep telling yourself that. take care Saffron :unsure: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted November 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2009 I have become Rossie Mc Piggledabit and am working my way through a massive bar of dairy milk to make me feel better. Giving me a headache but poo meh dont care lol Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saul Posted November 13, 2009 Report Share Posted November 13, 2009 I can empathise with this. It is important to remember that guilt and shame are very common in depression. You don't want to burden other people with your problems, but at the same time you long for them to sympathise and tell you everything is going to be alright, to give you comfort. It sounds like part of the problem here though is that you have set too higher standards for yourself. Standards that you don't expect other people to live up to, but ones you expect other people to impose upon you as you do upon yourself. As you said it's ok for other people to be depressed, but there's something different about it when it's you. Remember people are not going to judge you by your standards, they are going to judge you by their own. As such you can't predict how they will respond, and more likely than not their standards will not be nearly as strict as your own and they will be able to have greater sympathy and compassion for you, than you do for yourself. I was in a similar state of mind a couple of years back. I was feeling suicidal on and off. At first it was once a month, then it was once every two weeks, then it was twice a week. It was spirallign out of control, getting worse and worse, but I told no one. I was embarrassed. I thought this shouldn't be happening to me and that it made me look weak. The biggest problem was that I knew that if I admitted what I was feeling to anyone, I would break down in front of them. After two years of keeping it to myself it finally got more than I could handle and I told a doctor. Soon after I told everyone, and I broke down into tears with every single one. But no-one judged me. No one called me weak, or thought badly of me as a result (as far as I know, of course I am not a mind reader). In regards to the guilt you feel I can only advise that you find a way to conquor this as soon as possible. You must forgive yourself, because the way you feel really isn't your fault. Guilt has destroyed my relationship with my parents and siblings. It's not that we don't talk, or seem to get along. Rather I just feel no connection to them whatsoever. I feel just as much emotional attachement to them as I feel to a stranger on the street, and this all came from the guilt. To explain breifly: When i wanted to commit suicide, the only thing that stopped me was the guilt knowing how my family would feel. My family became the barrier. The thing stopping me from doing what I wanted to do. For this I began to resent them (of course they had done nothing but existed) but knowing how they would feel made me feel guilty, which made me more depressed, which made me hate them for making me feel guilty. It's over a year down the road now, and I am off medication and rarely feel suicidal, but I severed any emotional connection I might have had to my family, and I can't get it back, because every time I try it fills me with a sort of loathing. .......And that's why you need to learn not to feel guilty. If not because it's irrational, then do it because something like this might happen. I would thoroughly recommend that you start learning some affirmations to counter these thoughts and feelings. I have used them in the past myself and they have had great effect. Affirmations are a positively phrased statement that you repeat to yourself inside your head, or out loud. When I say positively phrased, I mean something like 'dont feel guilty' will not work nearly as well. It's like saying 'dont think of a cat' you have no choice but to think of one. In the same way when you say 'dont feel guilty' you have no choice but to feel slightly guilty in order to understand the sentence. Affirmations work best when they are highly personalised. To find the best affirmations you just have to say a bunch of positive statements about yourself, and the ones that feel the most wrong, the ones that give you the strongest gut reaction afterwards feeling things like 'no, im not great' or 'no i will not forgive myself' are the ones that are most important for you. As a starter, one that had a lot of emotional impact on me was 'I forgive myself for my mistakes' and 'it is ok to make mistakes.' Say the affirmations three times in your head in the first person, or if you like record you saying them in the second person 'you are clever' and listen to them. I hope these can help you find a path to greater happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted November 13, 2009 Report Share Posted November 13, 2009 i can do this, but only just and only now. i can say i feel depressed, but it comes followed by cant talk/leave me alone/or look after me pls (if im telling my boyf) i cant actually talk about those feelings, althogh i can stay with them now, i feel overly lost for words when im depressed. but the best thing i found for getting to the not depressed stage is not fighting it, just letting it have its time, and i inevitabley come out of it knowing whats gone on behind it and often more able to voice it again. i feel alot like its an inner children thing for me, like the little part fo me and the teeange stropy part are all crushed all at once and need their quiet space and time to recover unburdened by my demands Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostxox22 Posted November 14, 2009 Report Share Posted November 14, 2009 I can empathise with you also. I don't talk to anyone about my problems, like family or friends. I can't bring myself to talk when I'm feeling very depressed and I hardly spend time with anyone anyway, but get more irritable being around people when I'm feeling shitty. *sending hugs your way* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laura1001 Posted November 14, 2009 Report Share Posted November 14, 2009 I'm finding it hard to tell people close to me how I'm feeling. Particularly my family. My mum knows that I'm depressed and on medication and seeing a counsellor and she has been sympathetic having had depression herself. But I'm finding it very difficult to tell my dad. He doesn't live nearby and I see him maybe once or twice a month. When I do see him its usually shopping and lunch and we tell each other whats been happening etc. He thinks I'm working hard, earning money and generally ok. I've actually been off work now for 3 months, have no money and I'm in such a state it scares me I really don't know how to tell him. I was a real daddys girl when I was younger and up to my early twenties. Then I found out he was having an affair off his so called friend and I had to tell my mum and they eventually got divorced. I ended up attempting suicide and refused to talk to him for about 2 years. After my nan dying I got back in touch with him as I missed him. Since then we have a really good relationship and but how can I tell him that the strong and happy daughter he thinks I am is actually an emotional wreck and thinks of suicide almost daily?? I so want to tell him as I know he'll support me so much...just can't find the words Laura xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
youknowiloveyou Posted November 18, 2009 Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 Personally, I think that the feeling of being depressed has been generalised too much by people who don't suffer with it and have no idea how it feels to be depressed. It's used to often if the shoes that you want aren't in your size, your depressed. Or if its raining, your depressed. So when you actually say to someone "I feel depressed" some don't take it as serious anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted November 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 Personally, I think that the feeling of being depressed has been generalised too much by people who don't suffer with it and have no idea how it feels to be depressed. It's used to often if the shoes that you want aren't in your size, your depressed. Or if its raining, your depressed. So when you actually say to someone "I feel depressed" some don't take it as serious anymore. Id agree with that, a bit like the word 'stress' too. I met someone on here a while back that found the dx "Post Traumatic Stress" invalidating because it had the word stress in it, which to them felt like work hassles and stuff like that. I could well see where they were coming from. Traumatic stress is different of course, but the word itself had come to be watered down, just as depression has. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
youknowiloveyou Posted November 18, 2009 Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 A lot of people are agreeing with what I say here. It's good to know that I'm not the only one thinking these things. Think I'll be staying here for a while x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nix125 Posted November 19, 2009 Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 It almost sounds like most people here all think the same ... Day in and day out its like putting on a mask when around anyone even more so with friends and family. Dont know about anyone else on here but personaly I do this cause i dont want to burden anyone with my problems especialy my mother as my father also suffered with depression and I have gone to great lengths to hide it from all who know me eg : I pay the psychologist and the pharmacy cash so there is no record of it on my medical aid... There have only been 2 people in my life that know that I suffer with depression my x-fiancee and a very close friend of mine that Ive known for around 12 years the only reason she knows is cause she had been through it herself and could just seem to see straight through me... The feeling of just wanting to be alone i can also relate to. I have kept away from all friends and family for over the past month guess Im just not strong enough to put on a fake smile anymore. My cell gets ignored when they call in the day , reason given (WORK) when really I just cant talk with them at the moment.... I have just started on medication which I have been reluctant to personal reasons guess its my last possible chance to feel ok again... Guess what im trying to say is that I think its very normal to just want to be alone but on the other hand It wont make you feel any better as Its been over a month where I been keeping a low profile from my family and friends and somehow I feel more Fu###D up than every before . I really do wish you all the best and hope you feel a bit better soon . Its an extremly hard fight but I do find that these forums offer loads of help and support... So I guess if you reading this I want to send out a big thanks to everyone!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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