Sammy Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 no one on here knows the real me and it is hurting me the assumptions some people make about me. In real life the frequency of me lashing out is so rare that i can tell you it has occured a total of 6 times in my entire life. Perhaps this tight control is why in recent weeks whilst at a low point i have reacte quite agressively on here bwing as this is my only real outlet and where i feel safe and able to share how i feel and what i think. After all in real life people have high expectations of me. I have always been the one that is caring' compassionate, tolerant, understanding, loyal, trustworthy, stable, in control, nurturing. If you were to ask any one that knows me in real life to desscribe me no one could ever say anything negative about me other than maybe i don't think highly of myself and don't take care of myself enough. I have high standards for myself and strict values which i always feel imust live up to and be true to. I feel very much i fail those standards on here and that people here judge me by my words and actions on here. They assume that because i am angry or a flake here that i am in real life which i am not. I do feel however that here i let out repressed feelings with less fear of consequences. I do believe in actively working towards recovery and doing things taht are good for me as well as balance and in real life i am doing that, even when i feel low and like it is pointless i keep going. I am a born survivor, no matter what is thrown at me or how much i am hurting or hard it bwcomes or how many times i fall or am knocked down i get back up and keep going. I learn to adapt, compromise and start again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just.me Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 No one knows the real us outside of these forums. We come here in times of need, when we are suffering, we tend to shy away from it when we are not feeling at one of our lowest points. I never came here for a few days when I was feeling *normal* - I guess we tend to shy away from our illness when we are in a normal state. I have been normal now for a week or so because of an increase in my meds, I thought that by coming back, I would be reminded of how bad I am when I am at a low ebb. Agressive, angry, sad a whole gamut of emotions. But I have found that by being here, whilst I am normal I can actually help others, because I have an understanding of depression, paranoia etc., You can do that too, no one should judge you for your bad moments, you are after all here because of those. Try posting when you feel *normal* if you have the time, then people will see at least what you can show on an internet forum of the real you. Chin up, no one thinks bad of you - how can they? They don't know the whole you, only a partial piece. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b0bulat0r Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 In one sense I want to ask does anyone really know anyone? even in real life we can hide behind masks, fake interests, pretend to be things on the surface that underneath we are not. I find myself far more honest online than in real life, I think to myself why do I need to lie/hide/manipulate anything online, i do it in real life to protect myself to fit in, to be popular etc, to stop myself getting abuse, online if i get abuse I simply turn the computer off, that is my protection. I think how much or how little people honestly know about others is based on 2 things 1) there willingness to listen and support openly without judging 2) the amount the other person wants to let them in, Am sorry that you feel as if you cant be yourself here Sammy. I just wanted to say I dont have any judgements about you, and very rarely will I ever make judgements about people, I kinda build a "portfolio" about people based on thier previous interactions/comments/attitudes etc for my own benefit of changing how i react to situations with those people in future but I rarely judge. I have commented before that I have found you to be a lovely and supportive person and I dont have a word to say against you. I wont claim to understand you, or really know you, because i'm more honest than that. but it doesnt mean I wouldnt like to know you better if given the opportinuty. *hugs* you can always be who you want to be around me, I promise that wont ever be any differnet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ocean Wolf Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 I understand what you mean about feeling safer to lash out on here and no, we don't know how you are offline. However, I think people forget sometimes is that behind the screen, we are real people. We all have pasts and issues and lives. We are hurt when lashed out at, we are confused when things aren't clear, and we see only what we are shown. Of course, that's just my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted November 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 the problem is however that on here people can misunderstand what is said and read what they choose into what is said then dismiss any explanation given and not allow me to rectify any misunderstanding. Of course if i try to resolve an issue i am just manipulative, however that is not what my post was referring to specifically. I have had a few people call me manipulative over the last few days on here and one person say i should not be a foster carer as i am unhinged. Trying hard to not take it personally but it does hurt that people think i come across like that when it is complete opposite of who i really am. Bobulator i do feel i can be myself on here but not that i can go into detail about my real life and past but that is a block in me i hope to overcome in therapy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted November 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 also hurts that no matter what has gone on before, support and undertanding and compassion i have shown only one thing taken out of context is the deciding factor that is held against me and by which i am judged. All truth, honesty, loyalty, belief, understanding, compassion, interest, listening, support and communication just discarded and forgotten like some useless piece of trash. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 I understand how you feel hun. To be honest the description you gave is kinda what I had envisaged anyways xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ocean Wolf Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 Of course, this stuff happens offline too. It's unfortunate there too. Sometimes, people are a little (or a lot) messed up from their own pasts and are afraid. Afraid of being hurt again and afraid that is the world is really what they have seen of it so far. Personally, I think it would be best to wait before fostering, but that is just because, as I understand it, you already have a lot of stress in your life at the moment. But if you feel up to it, go ahead! As I understand it, there aren't enough caring foster homes around and (as unhinged as any of us may be) a home that understands and supports is a lot better than some places. I probably should post that in the foster thread huh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 Hello real sammy nice to meet you I met other sammy here too, she was lovely as well Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just.me Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 I think you need to take a step back and not take things too personally, you are after all not known to those who might say something that will upset you. No one but you and those in your real life, know the ins and outs of you. We can only display partial parts of our personality here. Bear in mind too that we all suffer in part from a mental illness, and in some circumstances that mental illness is displayed in the way in which we answer a post, or respond to a post. Some have deep set paranoia, and whilst one may read your post one way another would read it totally different. You are never going to be able to appease everybody all the time, but if you can reach out and help but one person, you have done a good thing. I think you are being too harsh on yourself, and mayhap others in your perception of how you are perceived. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted November 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 i dunno, i think my support is of no real value, others can give the support needed if i was not here it would make little difference. I feel i have had my fingers burnt for wearing heart on sleeve and for caring. I also feel unaccepted, that just as in real life i must repress my emotions because others find it unacceptable for me to e er have a negative reaction to anything, that here too, i am judged if i display any real emotion or anything negative. Maybe all i need is to hear someone say it is ok fpr me to be angry or upset and let me get through that and move on, without being judged and condemned for it. Maybe i want the same respect and compassion i try to show others. Maybe i want the same chances tp resolve things as i give to others. Maybe it just really hurts because when someone treats me the way they have, talks to me the way they have, no matter how much i tell myself it istheir issue it still feels like confirmation of the sense of worthlessness i have. But i know more people like me and think i am a good person but then they don't really know me either do they? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anastasia Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 i think you are very brave for posting that. I also believe that a lot of people are very different online to how they are when they are offline / in rl. i know i am. i can be anyone I am needed to be. At the end of the day, you have to be true to yourself because supressing things does not make it better. BUG HUGS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 Hi Sammy It sounds like you are struggling with the same question so many of us fight with. "Inside, I feel like a bad, raging, angry, selfish, murderous, jealous, petty, lazy so and so. Out of fear I keep it all in, because I am so afraid that I will be shunned, abandoned, rejected. But if I keep it all in, how can anyone truly be accepting the 'real me'?". Its a paradox that seems to have no solution - keep it in and feel abandoned because no one knows who you really are. Let it all out and be abandoned for who you really are. Thats why I stopped seeing the purpose of therapy as "changing behaviours", "challenging thoughts" or "gaining self esteem" - because its about a great deal more than that. Its about finding out who you really are, and how you can have freedom to be that person, in the world without the punishment, rejection and judgement that you have always experienced and so now deeply, and rightly, fear. Sorry to be a bit philosophical, or if this is a bit meaningless or wistful - its just how Im feeling lately, and I look around and seem to see so many people in the same place. It isnt about me convincing you I like you for you, its about you being able to come to terms with the dark side of yourself that you are afraid condemns you to emptiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
youknowiloveyou Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 After all in real life people have high expectations of me. I have always been the one that is caring' compassionate, tolerant, understanding, loyal, trustworthy, stable, in control, nurturing. You are still all these things if not more. I'm not too sure whats gone about all this but have a vague idea. You were simply expressing your feelings and opinions on the situation so you shouldn't be judged because of that. It's good to let it all out once and a while! xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted November 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 i'm not sure what caused all this either to be honest, i don't think there was one specific event just a feeling that it is coming at me from all directions. I have ruled out the opinion of person that pm'd me to say they glad i was turned down as foster carer since she then sent me a message on facebook calling me names and being abusive to the extreme. Oncesomeone resorts to clearly putrid and disgusting nastiness i lose all respect for them and their opinion, any opinion becomes worthless. I can only be hurt by people i hold in regard, care for or have some respect for. I may have issues ineed to deal with but won't take on the issues of someone so disgusting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anastasia Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 well done lickme! you dont have to take on other people's problems. it's not for you to do. hugs and you are caring and compassionate whether you want to believe it or not Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted November 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 thank you am feeling much more validated now. I am a good person and it does not matter if someone who does not really know me thinks otherwise. I know i am true to myself and always do what i believe at the time to be the right thing. I take responsibility for myself and my actions and hold my hand up to my mistakes. I strive to be all that i can be and to recognise others needs to and where i can help to fill those needs. I am allowed my feelings heard and my needs met too. *clims back up and carries on* Thank you friends for listening, hearing me and validating me. *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anastasia Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 big hugs back :rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just.me Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 Jealousy does weird things to people, you should look at it that it is not your issue, but theirs that causes them to be the way they are. You should not be so down on yourself, someone has sent you something that has obviously hurt you, but you need to realise that by letting it you are letting them win. Block them on Facebook if you can, I don't use it myself, am way toooo old. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted November 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 the messag on facebook did me a favour by showing true colours and allowing me to dismiss their opinion. First message sent on this site got to me because i thought something of the person and her opinions, that is no longer relevant. But i should remind myself of this for future events. There arw clwarly special people here more eorthy of my thoughts and who have earned my respect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth24 Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 Hiya, Sorry it has taken me so long to reply to this. I respect you as a person and although we have not always agreed on things i still value your opinions and thoughts. I think you are a very kind hearted person but are easily hurt-that is not a fault by the way. As you say, you wear your heart on your sleeve and that makes you vulnerable. But it also makes you very loving and caring. You are very knowledgable and have great words of wisdom. Don't be disheartened by a malicious person who is obviously full of anger and hate. They probably have pronlems of their own and taking it out on you. i dunno, just a though. but i know when i am angry i lash out at people and that is something i am working on. I love speaking to you in chat, you are a funny intellegent person. Don't be so hard on yourself. you have many many friends here xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted November 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 the funny thing is that i hate being misunderstood whils desperate for someone to really see me for who i am and understand me and closeness, yet anyone who gets close and starts to see me for who i am i hate it and change myself faster than a blink of thr eye. What am i running from? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted November 27, 2009 Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 the problem is however that on here people can misunderstand what is said and read what they choose into what is said then dismiss any explanation given and not allow me to rectify any misunderstanding. Of course if i try to resolve an issue i am just manipulative, however that is not what my post was referring to specifically. I have had a few people call me manipulative over the last few days on here and one person say i should not be a foster carer as i am unhinged. Trying hard to not take it personally but it does hurt that people think i come across like that when it is complete opposite of who i really am. Bobulator i do feel i can be myself on here but not that i can go into detail about my real life and past but that is a block in me i hope to overcome in therapy. i have people misread what i write all the time, and make heaps of their own assumptions about motivations etc. thats their issue, and i know its frustrating but basicly its just their issue not ours i think youd make a great forster carer. i think precisiely the people who find a way to express the more difficult emotions are the ones who are most stable and caopable in rl. i know thats true for me, i am all of the place here (and inside) and yet cause i deal with that it doesnt rule my life. in rl i am allways the person everyone relys on, the one who manages every crisis, the one who never fails to find compassion for people and put in the effort at work. although i dont think im massively different from who i am outside here, just that people prob see different sides to me. bout what i pmd you bout, have you thought about resbite fostering? like just doing it on weekends or hols? itd be less intensive and prob many different types of kids so youd learn quick and they allways struggle to get resbite for other carers or parents, and sometimes foster agencys deal with applicatios for resbite carers differently, like theres different agancys out there and take on different people specificaly for this. just a thought, even maybe for the future Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted November 27, 2009 Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 i dunno, i think my support is of no real value, others can give the support needed if i was not here it would make little difference. I feel i have had my fingers burnt for wearing heart on sleeve and for caring. I also feel unaccepted, that just as in real life i must repress my emotions because others find it unacceptable for me to e er have a negative reaction to anything, that here too, i am judged if i display any real emotion or anything negative. Maybe all i need is to hear someone say it is ok fpr me to be angry or upset and let me get through that and move on, without being judged and condemned for it. Maybe i want the same respect and compassion i try to show others. Maybe i want the same chances tp resolve things as i give to others. Maybe it just really hurts because when someone treats me the way they have, talks to me the way they have, no matter how much i tell myself it istheir issue it still feels like confirmation of the sense of worthlessness i have. But i know more people like me and think i am a good person but then they don't really know me either do they? its ok to be angry or upsetxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted November 27, 2009 Report Share Posted November 27, 2009 the funny thing is that i hate being misunderstood whils desperate for someone to really see me for who i am and understand me and closeness, yet anyone who gets close and starts to see me for who i am i hate it and change myself faster than a blink of thr eye. What am i running from? this comes down to a self acceptance thing i think we learn growing up that certain emotions are unacceptable. very few parents accept their childs feelings of anger or hatred or jealousy or rage or needyness or greed or lazyness and a whol heap of emotions are really difficult to stay connected to if we dont have someone their acepting our feelings and enabling us to process them, like shame, fear, humilation, lonliness but just cause we learn these are unacceptable, and push them away in favour of being nice and kind and caring and sharing and happy and funny and clever and cute, cause all this stuff ensures attention, and therefore survival, the uglier feelings dont go away, they are still part of us. but if they are forever segregated away then they will push harder and harder to be noticed, and thats when they come out as explosions, or voices, or sh, or a whole heap of other things. and thats hard to deal with cause we've never had the option of stay connected to these feelings and learning to cope with them. but truth is whatever we feel is ok, it is part of how we are and it shd not be judged and pushed away to isolation. but learning to accept all these parts that have been starved for support takes so much time and often comes with the screaming agonising need for someone to see it all and still not reject us and the contradictory need to keep people away from waht we've learnt is poisonous at best and life threatening at worst (because to a little child dependant on a mother who reacts angrily at the unwanted feelings the idea of expressing these feelings them feels life threatening, because of the dependance on the m not rejecting the child) truth is you are a gd person, who is all the positive qualities you list, and someone who has all the negative feelings also. and thats ok. and you are welcome to be just who you are here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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